Dear San Francisco: Keep Your Laws Off My Unborn Baby’s Foreskin
If you try and stand in the way of my unborn child becoming a Jew by getting circumcised, I will punch you. Read More
Let’s talk about impossible things. The first being that I move to San Francisco.
This is not a slight on San Francisco, but it ranks at the #1 spot in terms of places that I love so much, I could never move there. Because when you move somewhere, it automatically begins to suck more than you could have ever wanted it to. I don’t want San Francisco to begin to suck. I love the burritos and the Green Apple Books too much, and I always want to get excited to look forward to those things.
But for the sake of argument, let’s just say I’m offered twelve million dollars for the dream job of a lifetime. I don’t know what that job actually would consist of, but let’s also say the only stipulation would be that I’d have to move to San Francisco. With that kind of money, I could probably find a lot less to complain about, and I’d probably say “peace out New York. I’m rich. I’m going to hang out in a drum circle in Berkeley!”
Now what if that impossible thing happens, and then the citizens of San Francisco vote in favor of a ballot measure that would outlaw circumcision on boys under the age of 18 this November? People are saying that this is also an impossible thing, but we will play devil’s advocate, and say I’m offered 12 million dollars, I move to San Francisco, and that happens. Then a few weeks later another crazy and unexpected thing happens, and I find out that I’m having a baby son.
The first thing I would do, is drive the hell out of SF, because I’m a Jew, my baby would be a Jew, and Jewish guys don’t have those weird flaps of skin hanging of their dinkies. I’m sorry to all you who wear the crown, but seriously, those things need to go. They’re gross, and they cause people to ask questions on public forums like “[My] Foreskin touched dirty and hairy toilet porcelain, can I catch any virus, like herpes or hepatitis?”
The answer to that question is “Who cares? Get that thing chopped off.”
The second thing I would do was I would find the idiot who got the ball rolling on this whole anti-foreskin thing, and I’d punch him in the nose, then I’d yell “This is what you get for making an Arrested Development skit come true. You fucking idiot!”