Sex & Love

10 Jswipe No-No’s from a Newbie

Obviously there are gifs involved. Read More

By / June 20, 2017

In a late night experimental mood, I decided to see what the dating app life has to offer in terms of Jewish dudes out there, since in theory I would like to meet a fellow member of the tribe, or as one of my best friends calls them, “boychiks.” So I downloaded JSwipe and set up a profile.

I’m not impressed, folks. I have been on this app for less than 12 hours and already I have a LOT of advice for you, dudes. And I’m not even talking about the shirtless pics. Because everyone’s probably already told you to stop that. No disrespect meant to your hot Israeli IDF bod — it is quite spiffy, but JSwipe isn’t really Grindr.

Here are some other things you should really not be doing:

1. No bio.

I mean, come on. Even if your pics are hot as hell, if I have no clue who you are, bye. This is basically 80-90% of profiles I’ve seen.

2. A bio that just says “I hate bios” or “there’s too much about me to fit into a bio.”

Oy, aren’t you special. Newsflash: we all hate condensing ourselves into a tiny pinprick but hello, if I can be bothered to put in the effort, so can you. Put on your big boy pants and deal with it. And yeah, I would hope there’s more to you than can fit in a bio, but if you can’t even come up with enough info or personality to fill half a phone screen, things are not looking great for the rest of you.

3. A bio of only emojis.

Wow. Much impress. “That menorah emoji really speaks to my soul,” said no one ever.

4. One word bios.

“Hi.” “Adventure.” “.רְצִינִי” “CPA.” “NJB [Nice Jewish Boy].” “INFP.” If you’re going to use one word, it had better be something that represents you, and if these are the most interesting things you can say about yourself, that does not bode well.

(Fun fact: The Most Interesting Man in the World is Jewish. Up your game.)

5. Bios that say, “I’m new at this!” and nothing else.

Well, guess what, boychik – so am I, and I’m already way better at it than you.

6. Bios that place a weird emphasis on your height.

Like either it’s the only thing in the bio, or one of less than 5 characteristics you’ve listed. I get that we are a people populated by men of small stature, so you feel special if you’re 6 feet tall, but again, if your height is the most interesting thing about you, you need some more hobbies. (I don’t care at all about height so personally any bio with height listed makes me roll my eyes.)

7. Bios that tell me you have a sense of humor but back it up with nothing.

Just because comedy and sarcasm is seemingly hardwired into our ancient culture and our less ancient celebrity icons, does not mean that you are automatically gifted with it. I too can claim to have a sense of humor. I included examples of it in my bio. Did you?

8. Bios that include one sentence about you and then a trite inspirational quote.

Great, I can have a date with my shul’s wall calendar that has as much to say as you do.

9. Bios where your primary interest is traveling.

Look, traveling is great. I’ve done it. I too have pictures of myself surrounded by Jerusalem stone and silhouetted against the Western Wall! Imagine that. But I want to know what makes you interesting aside from the places you can afford to visit. I want to know that if we’re stuck at home, you have enough conversation skills that I won’t be bored to tears. Travel is not a substitute for personality.

10. Bios that start in on what “most girls” like or want and how you’re different and special and shouldn’t be judged by the standards “most girls” use.

Just stop. Your bio is a space to tell me about you, not about all your past failures with women and your subsequent bitterness and Nice Guy Syndrome, you schmuck.

Sarah Meira (SM) Rosenberg is a jill-of-all-trades, including but not limited to: publicist for the bestselling Unofficial Hogwarts Haggadah, co-host of the Nice Jewish Fangirls podcast, freelance editor, former teen novelist, and retired auto mechanic. If you need stuff done, try her.