Sex & Love
FFJD Advice Corner: Never Ending Dates
Sometimes you don’t want a date to ever end. Other times you have no choice. Read More
Today’s FFJD Advice Arsenal question is about when a date goes on for far too long. When you like the guy, but basically you’ve been sitting on the bar stool for so long your butt is asleep, you’re pretty sure that you were sober then tipsy then sober and now bored and wondering whether or not you DVRd Conan or not (which I can’t decide if I like? But I certainly feel bad for Seth Rogan’s topless fiancee).
What to do?
I am a huge fan of your blog and can completely relate to it from my own JDate experiences. I wanted to know your opinions on the problem I’ve been having lately when a guy asks me to get “drinks.” The issue is kind of like your post on “how to say no” except with how to let the guy know the date is over. When I go out to dinner with a guy, dinner ends, we get the check, we go, clearly the date has a timeline.
With drinks…there is no clear ending. Lately my “drinks” dates have been lasting usually an hour to 1.5 hours wayyyy longer than they should be. Even if the date was going well initially, I’ll leave the date completely disinterested with no intentions of seeing him again because I am just so frustrated that it went on so long.
I start to shift uncomfortably, fidget, mildly start acting disinterested and bored, but guys don’t seem to get it. The check will come, he will take forever to pay. He will finally pay and then not push the check out assertively, so the waiter will have no idea he’s paid, it’s extremely frustrating.
Since I’m not the one paying, I don’t feel comfortable being like, “OK! Time for you to just push your money out a bit more assertively, I really want to get out here, you have seriously started to bore me!”
Any suggestions? I’ve never been one for the “oh my friend is calling, might be important” stunt. I might be ready to give up on getting drinks and strictly suggest dinner to potential daters.
– Bored Betty
Dearest Bored Betty – this can be an issue with getting drinks. There is no ending point. I’ve encountered this before, and it can be especially uncomfortable on a Friday or Saturday night, because you’re like oh hey we just met and you’re cool and all but like, do we have to go out together now to Napoleon and spend the entire evening together even though I just learned that you have double-jointed thumbs?
Do you do dinner instead? Dinner can be expensive, long, and then you’re trapped with an extremely nice Jewish boy who just really isn’t doing it for you. And you’re only on the first course.
Basically, you just need to be vocal and cut it off. It may seem awkward and hard at first, but you don’t want to get continually bored by your dates. Plus, if you talk about everything under the sun you want have anything to talk about the next time you rendezvous for VSCs. (vodka, soda, cran, duh.)
This means fibbing a little. Not a bad lie, like an oh I’m not actually single or I stole the car I drove here in, but more of something along the lines of “I have to work in the morning and I’d like to not fall asleep at my desk and drool on my NYT crossword (WHICH IS SO IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THESE DAYS, COME ON WILL SHORTZ. But I do love that your last name is Shortz.) and subsequently ruin 27 Down with my saliva.”
But you know, you don’t have to get that detailed. If you do like the guy, just be sure to not make that excuse seem like you’re blowing him off. Maybe follow that up with how much fun you had and that you’d love to do something soon.
If it’s a weekend night, just say you have a birthday or another event to go to. This can be uncomfortable, because you don’t really want to bring this guy to anything involving your friends if it’s a first date (unless it’s going swimmingly and basically you’ve fallen in lurvey lurve boo boo doo doo and can’t wait to introduce him to everyone…and in that case I’d still wait).
The bottom line is, you don’t have to bring him along all night. If you do, it can create a horrendous situation because you’re going to have to introduce him to people. Which is awkward always until you have a firm grasp of where you stand in the relationship/have known each other for more than 1.5 hours.
“HIiiiiiii JESS!! This is Jeff.
Oh, how do we know each other? Funny you should ask. I met him about 2 hours ago. His dog is named after a 30 Rock character. Check out his thumbs.”
Any other suggestions, FFJD-ers?
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