Sex & Love
FFJD: Five Latkes Of Wisdom
From strip dreidel to Hanukkah dates. we give you five ways to make the festival better. Read More
It’s that time of year again, the Festival of Lights, also known as Do I Choose Between Eight Small Presents or One Big One? Also, Can We Finally Have a Hanukkah Bush This Year? My biggest conundrum with the fiesta of Jewish Candelabras (Menorahs) is that I don’t know how to spell Hanukkah. Is there a correct spelling? Chanukah? Hanukah? Hanukkah? Hannukkkkkaaahhhh? This is very overwhelming for a spelling nerd such as myself.
But anyway, you’re probably gearing up with your Barney’s Menorah and writing a list of all the things you want, like a new Marc Jacobs key fob (prerequisite for being an FFJD girl in college), or maybe the new box set of Gossip Girl or an iPad. I am accepting gifts…just saying. Anyway, I came up with some latkes of wisdom to enjoy your Chanookahah.
1. Latkes are the key to everyone’s heart.
See that cute boy over there? Give him a latke. Are you Team Applesauce or Team Sour Cream? I am a fervent Team Applesauce, having won our team’s softball game against Sour Cream with my amazing bunting skills. Sour cream is disgusting, sorry. I know I’m going to warrant some rants about this.
A friend of mine likes powdered sugar on latkes. Any way you fry it, just be sure to ingest a lot of those potato pancakes. Maybe even sweet potato ones. Has anyone used ketchup on latkes? Or is that insulting to both hash browns and home fries?
2. Have a Hanukkah Party.
So that a) you have an excuse to seduce that adorable guy who works in Corporate that you’ve just been dying to kiss under the mistletoe (I think mistletoe is fine for Hanuuukeah, because generally encouraging smooching is great) or b) you have an excuse to exchange presents and drink excessively.
You could even have a Schanuka pregame, just don’t forget to have straws because girls get annoyed when there are no straws. I don’t know why, it’s just a thing. And gelt is good, because chicks also like chocolate.
3. Strip Dreidel.
I wish I could take credit for this little nugget of genius, but alas a male friend told me in all seriousness that he has played this before. FFJD is the official sponsor of Dirty Dreidel. No need to be Jewish, just a propensity for dropping your drawers.
4. Go on a JDate During Hanukkah.
Just because that’s pretty Jewish, menorahs are good romantic centerpieces, and I always want your material (firstname.lastname@example.org!) $10 if you tell your date over romantic Night 6 Sushi that he’s your “present” this week.
5. Do Not Buy Hanukkah Gift Wrap.
I know this one is pretty random, but wrap your chatchkes in a) the comics, b) Vogue back issues, or c) a random Saks shopping bag. You know you once bought a roll with cute dreidels on it and its sitting in a closet somewhere and your friends know which present is yours for birthdays because who uses an entire roll of Hanukkah wrapping paper? Maybe penguin paper (guilty) or snowflakes, but I really don’t want my Jo Malone fragrance set to wish me a happy Festival of Lights. In August.
Email me your Hanukkah horrors or naked pics to email@example.com!