Sex & Love

It’s A Very FFJD Passover

A few tips for seder survival. Read More

By / April 18, 2011
Jewcy loves trees! Please don't print!

It’s that time of year again – Passover.

No Carbs Left Behind is usually the diet that precedes or follows these 10 joyous days of Matzah. (I don’t really like Matzah. Do people actually like Matzah? Or is this like convincing yourself that you like going to the gym?)

I used to find it highly amusing in high school when the cafeteria served Matzah during Passover and all my non-Jewish friends loved it. Matzah is sort of the bastard love child of wallpaper paste and drywall. Both of which don’t taste too good. It’s not to say that the significance isn’t important.

Passover is a fun holiday to see your family, eat six kinds of macaroons, and potentially find the Afikomen sandwiched between couch cushions. This year you might get an extra $5 from Uncle Larry (and be able to finally get that 1/8th of a The Row skirt at Intermix!)

Passover also makes it socially acceptable to stick your hands in alcohol. Not to mention, ignore general rules of safety by leaving your front door open. One family friend’s house we used to go to Passover for had Plague Puppets. I always got boils. Sigh.

I am here to wave my Matzah fan (you probably could use it as a fan) and decree that all FFJDers have a very happy Passover.

I have a few tips for seder survival. (Don’t I always?)

Be Prepared to Discuss Your Personal Life with Grandparents and/or Family Friends.

  1. Stick to the same story. If you’re not dating anyone, you have free reign to just make someone up to make Grandpa happy. Trust me – I’ve been dating James Franco before. I’ve also been dating Colin Firth, Will Ferrell, and Mindy Kaling. Too bad my grandparents don’t know the last one is a woman (Mindy, call me, I love you).
  2. If you are dating someone, be armed with photos and maybe an engagement timeframe for the sake of Aunt Sally. And not just Blackberry photos, because this requires the entire table to take out their reading glasses.

So for convenience, go to Kinko’s and get some print-outs of you and the guy you’ve hooked up with twice and/or a photoshopped picture of you and Clive Owen. But just don’t show them to the guy you’ve only been dating for a month, because he might find that exceptionally strange and/or intense. (Just give them to odd Aunt Marion because she will show them lovingly all over the nail salon while also discussing the medical afflictions of every member of the community.)

Try Not to Be the Youngest at the Seder.

Because then you are stuck with the four questions. While this is an honor, it’s also embarrassing and always made my ears turn pink. So bring a friend who happens to be a month younger than you (sucka!)

Don’t eat too much Matzah.

It’s constipating.

Also, send me your delightfully horrifying, extremely mortifying, or somewhat amusing tales to


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