Sex & Love

Rocker Dude Seeks Bitchin’ Beshert

I’m the 26 year old punk rock singer for Can!!Can, an observant Jew with three tattoos, host of PunkTorah.com and gainfully employed by an online Judaica store.  Basically, I’m one big fucking contradiction. On one hand, I cover my head. … Read More

By / August 31, 2009


I’m the 26 year old punk rock singer for Can!!Can, an observant Jew with three tattoos, host of PunkTorah.com and gainfully employed by an online Judaica store. 

Basically, I’m one big fucking contradiction.

On one hand, I cover my head. On the other, I daven with the Reconstructionists. I eat biblically kosher at home, but all bets are off if I’m out or at someone’s house. My favorite rock stars are David Wolpe and Kurt Cobain. I’m typing this on Shabbat, but I pray from the Koren Sacks Orthodox Siddur.

And I’m single. And it sucks ass.

I’ve never dated a Jewish girl, but now I consider it imperative. I’m getting older, and not that I want to get married and have kids anytime soon, but I would like to know that if I did choose to knock up my beshert, I wouldn’t have to deal with a church wedding and Santa Claus.

New to the whole "Jewish Singles" scene, I’ve put myself out there and discovered I am looking for a woman that essentially doesn’t exist.

Sure, there are plenty of Gefilte-Fish-In-The-Sea, but I’m getting picky. I’ve boiled my soulmate to a very specific, bordering on psychotic, JDate Nazi-esque list of characteristics:

 

Age: 25-31 (I like older women but do give a 1-year exception)

Location: somewhere in the Confederacy

Tattoos: mostly Hebrew with some girlie floral stuff and possibly a chest-piece that pokes lovingly out of halter tops

Education: bachelors degree in something super practical from a pussy liberal state college

Boobs: proportional and large enough to give me hands full of fun

Musical Taste: ’77 punk/garage rock, grunge, early metal, experimental in the vein of Velvet Underground/Brian Eno, early Americana and folk, lo-fi art pop

Hobbies: anything artsy, blogging, volunteering for apolitical non-profits, possibly plays the drums, visiting her kick ass grandmother who was the director of a feminist co-op in the 60’s and makes really good brisket, fixing cars and other manly things, as I cannot do most "dude" stuff and really need the help

Life Goals: to start her own gender egalitarian Aleph Havurah and open a used clothing store/coffee shop

Spirituality: kicks my ass to be more observant

 

Most likely, I won’t find a girl who loves the Ramones and considers shul and a trip to the Adult Superstore an awesome Shabbat experience. But that won’t stop me from trying.