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Chaser Amy: Bethany E., The Iron Lady of Wine

Meet: Bethany E.

About Bethany E.: "I am always ready to wrestle. My nose whistles when I breathe. I am in touch with my inner jap and sometimes respond to the name 'Golda.' I have freakishly strong hands. I believe in rescuing animals, not people."

Currently Watching: I am a TV whore which is probably a good thing considering I work for the largest film &; entertainment company in the world….

Age, Status: 30, single

Oh Bethany, you bring my dreams of a Jewcy MySpace equivalent closer to fruition. If Lindsey Lohan could see your profile from rehab, she’d be envious–and proud. You've brought a touch of class to us party girls, peppering your "About" section with wit; random wit albeit, but wit nonetheless. You're likely a feisty sex fiend–"always ready to wrestle"–but lest I take that thought too far, you've mentioned a decidedly unsexy whistling nose. Love the ambiguity.

I'd speculate you're also slightly loopy–or not "sober"–more often than deemed socially acceptable if you only sometimes respond to the name "Golda". When, pray tell, might that be? As cohorts try to pry that glass of wine from your "freakishly strong hands"? Perhaps it refers to Golda Meir–the Iron Lady of Israeli politics? In the spirit of random "wit," a play in half an act: Bethany E.: Last glass of wine is mine, all mine! What time is it? Cohort 1: Nine o'clock. Bethany E.: Shit! Quick, get to the wine shop before it's too late! And J. Lo's new dance show is on! Put on MTV NOW! Cohort 1: Uh, ok, Golda. I came here to escape the dangers in the streets, not to be your, like, slave. And since when do you run out of wine? Enter Cohort 2 Cohort 2: Yo, Cohort 1, hows it goin'? Hey Bethany E. Bethany E.? Bethany E.: [silence; nose whistles] Cohort 2: Er–Golda? Golda: What’s up. All my bitches in da house! Whoo! Cohort 2: Got anything to drink? Golda: For moi [nose whistles], the Iron Lady of Wine and the cat, yes. Cohort 2: Umm. I'll go out and try to grab something? Cohort 1: But there's a riot in the streets, you won't be safe! Golda: Shut. Up! They're having an "On the Six" dance off! [nose whistles] And I've slept with all of them!! Cohort 2: A riot? Cohort 1: Apparently, all the Comcast subscribers who are unable to Jewce have banded together and are about to storm Comcast HQ. Golda: But it's on the next block–you'll be fine. [nose whistles] The Iron Lady of Wine will lead you quickly at a commercial break. Unless they show that funny "Rock the Cazbah/Rock the Catbox" commercial–then you're on your own. Cohort 2: Ok. Let's bring a bulldog for safety. Golda: You're in luck–I adopted one just this afternoon! You'll never guess how it happened! I turned around as I was leaving Tiffany's, to check out the reflection of my ass in my new Juicy Couture gold velour sweatsuit, and I noticed a cute puppy crossing the street. I turned back, pausing once again to make sure my lip gloss was still sparkling, and noticed a meteor about to fall on the cute poochey. Faster than I can buy Dior sunglasses I sprinted to the pup. I kicked aside the man who appeared tethered to my new baby by a leather rope grabbed the little thing and found safety in Bergdorf's. Cohort 2: I think I'm going to need a sip of your– Golda: Sic 'em, pookie!

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