The Mark Foley PageGate controversy has been boiling for almost a week now, which means that all the obvious positions on the issue have already been taken. We know, it’s hypocritical for a guy whose job involves protecting children to ask sixteen-year-olds to measure their dicks. And sure, it’s a cop-out to cry alcoholism. BO-ring.
To liven up the discussion, we offer five new and unlikely Foley stances. Deploy them at will to liven up dinner conversation, water cooler chat, or post-cybercoital IM debate:
1.) The “what else are pages there for?” stance. After all, as Laguna Beach has more than amply proven, 16-year-olds might be cute, but they’re dumb as rocks. Given that your average page has way more experience with IMing than politics, you could say Foley was just utilizing his staff to the best of its abilities. (Yeah, that’s right, we said “utilizing his staff.")
2.) The NAMBLA stance. As the man-boy love advocates like to say, “Seven is heaven, eight is too late.” From NABLA’s POV, Foley likes ‘em practically ancient. (Actually, joking aside, Slate has a pretty interesting piece on why Foley’s attraction to older teens means he’s not a pedophile.)
3.) The “wait a second—did he say ‘cast fetish’?” stance. This is less an argument than just a reiteration of this bizarre snippet of IM (scroll down.) Seriously: cast fetish?
4.) The Joe Francis stance: What kind of self-respecting businessman finds a semi-willing teenage sexual partner and doesn’t film it?
5.) The “George Soros did it” stance. Oh wait: that’s been taken.
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