Is there anybody in the world that doesn't want to kick Andy Dick's ass? "Some people just need hittin." That's what the fat, pervy looking guy in Daisy Dukes that used to check membership cards at the JCC told me once when I was a kid. When Jon Lovitz repeatedly smashed Andy's Dick's face into the bar of an LA comedy club recently, he proved that while the lowly JCC employee of my youth might not have been so good at keeping his nutsack in his drawers, he did know a thing or two about life. Some people just got it coming. And from what I have read, Lovitz had been holding back for years. He apparently blamed Dick for Phil Hartman's murder. And Dick being, well, a cocksucker, apparently rubbed that in Lovitz's face one time too many. It doesn't surprise me so much that Lovitz went ape-shit on him. More so, it caught me off guard that the confrontation between those two could ever escalate past sissy slap-fight into actual bloodshed. So, hey, score one for the Critic. The whole thing doesn't really surprise me. Spend enough hours in comedy clubs, and you will want to beat the shit out of several comedians. It is a by-product of dozens of quirky personalities being forced into awkward relationships with one another as they hit open-mics on the way up the ladder. And by quirky personalities, I mean a lot of people that, for the most part, just really need to get laid. It is an explosive situation. But the violent rivalries between big-time guys like Lovitz and Dick don't even compare to the absurdities of the beefs I have seen on the amateur circuit. Last night over a couple of bowls of my Midnight Mexican Matzoh Ball Soup, my man Jake Flores filled me in on some static he is having with two local comics. First of all, he can't get over the fact that when a fellow comic and his former roommate left the apartment with no warning, he took the giant chickensuit with him. All he left was a "Dear John" letter and an aging jar of pickled jalapeno slices. Jake was really starting to make a name for himself in that chicken suit. It's really a shame. Plus, Jake also has to look out for his girlfriend, with whom he is on a break, because a rival comedian jumped all up on her as soon as Jake posted one of those broken heart icon thingies on Facebook. In true comic fashion, Jake promptly wrote him a biting, witty email to put an end to it. The other dude invited him to talk about it over a beer. We can only all hope it ends with one of them smashing the other's face into the bar.
That's what the pros do.
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