No more rules.  Rules suck.  Rules are for the weak. 

Tlkeajtughajer;eqwujgahhkgjadlsgfdasr;ra;. 

That's what a sentence looks like without rules.

The money experts have fucked up.  And now we're rescuing them.  And it's comical to think that the person applying for the loan is being blamed.  It's akin to a doctor taking out your pancreas instead of your appendix and then blaming the patient.  If your business is to loan money, then do your homework, don't be greedy and don't loan it to people who might not be able to pay it back.  A bank isn't a pizza place.  You don't need to say "yes" to everyone.  

A new home for bankersSo what can we do so this never happens again? 

Many child molesters have to wear electronic monitors so we know his/her whereabouts at all times.  I think all bailed out bankers need to wear shock collars around their necks and every time they try to loan out money they get 350 volts launched into their carotid arteries.  Maybe then they'd be careful.  And since we are going to bail out the banks - which with this spineless bunch of Congressional pussies was a foregone conclusion even before it was a foregone conclusion - we need to make sure that none of these people who were responsible for our economic meltdown are allowed to ever work in the banking industry again.  You get one chance to bilk people out of their life-savings and retirement dough.  For crying out loud, we don't even allow individuals to file for bankruptcy in this country anymore because that would inconvenience the predatory credit card companies (hello, Capital One!  Thanks for the 23.5% offer but I can get a better deal from my bookie) and the health care industry.

Accountability is the only cure for this catastrophe. However, just as in the Enron disaster, the fat cats will exit the building with fat pockets.  The hell with that.  Liquidate their assets and property until they're as poor as the poorest person they screwed over. 

Although there is another option. 

Let's give the $840 billion to the people and have the banks apply to us for money.  Something tells me we'll be a lot more careful with it than the assholes were.

Brian Frazer, author of Hyperchondriac, spent the last week guest blogging on Jewcy.  Want more?  Buy his book!

Damn was that town hall thing hard to sit through.

First of all, it was the second debate in a row in which Senator McCain bragged about America being the best "importer" in the world. Um... that's not a good thing, sir. That means you owe people money.  Which I guess you don't have to worry about when your wife has a few hundred million in the bank. 

Second, Mr. McCain, in order to get your glorious "preconditions" before you sit down with people ... you need to actually sit down with people!!!!

Third, please, please, pleeeeeeeaze stop saying "my friends."  Apparently you didn't swallow enough of the Bill Romanowski memory aid pills he sold you.  You just said we were friends four seconds ago.  We get it.  You're our pal.

And yes yes yes yes yes, you are a war hero.  And I commend you for the sacrifice you've made for the country.  However, what I won't give you potential presidential props for is being a prisoner of war. Sorry, but there is NOTHING about being a POW that qualifies one to be commander in chief.  Bottom line: ANYONE can be a POW.  All you have to do is be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Sorry again, but no points for having bad luck.  I'm not going to vote for the person who has been stuck in traffic the most hours either.  It's irrelevant.

In 1970, this was fashionable.By the way, in 1970 I was in first grade and had an exhibit of my clay sculptures at the local public library.  I had a red elephant and a blue walrus that everyone marveled at and an ostrich with a pipe cleaner neck and --  What I'm trying to say is WHO THE HELL CARES WHAT HAPPENED IN 1970?!?!?  In 1970 Paul McCartney released "Let it Be" - now he kinda sucks.  What IS important is how people evolve.  It appeared that John McCain WAS evolving... until 2001 when he went back to being a Cro-Magnon man.  If he and Ms.Palin get elected, America might as well be confined to a tiger cage for the next four years.    

Oh, one last point for the racist voter out there: Why not just look at Obama as being half white (which he is) instead of all black (which he isn't)? 

And for you Alaskan Jews out there: please remember to spay and neuter your wolves so there doesn't have to be any more aerial hunting of 'em.

Brian Frazer, author of Hyperchondriac, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he's here all week.  Stay tuned.

On Sunday, the New York Post, that bastion of neutrality, had a piece about Senator Biden entitled: "Is Joe Hidin' Facial Work."  First of all, how do you "hide" facial work? Put scaffolding around your eyes? Wear a goalie mask?  This is yet another attempt by the conservative biased media to "hide" John McCain's abysmal record.  How does Biden having "definitely had Botox in the forehead region" or appearing to have had "some sort of 'Lateral Brow/Eyelid Lift'" affect ONE AMERICAN?  Actually, I take that back.  It does affect one American: the doctor who did the procedure.  Everyone else should shut the fuck up.  This is reminiscent of John Edwards and his $400 haircut.  I don't care if he'd spent $700,000 on his haircut - it's his money.  Same thing with Biden. If he wants to get a tattoo on his face like Mike Tyson, he has my blessing.  If he wants to fill his cheeks up with silicone so he looks like a squirrel, go right ahead, sir.  If he wants to invest in gold teeth like Flava Flav, he should go for it. 

He can still make facial expressions.The Republicans say they want to get government out of the lives of the American people - unless it comes down to a women's body or wiretapping your phone or telling a Senator what he can and can't legally spend his money on.  "Excuse me, Mr. Rove - is it okay if Hillary Clinton buys that dress at Bonwit Teller?  And which credit card would you prefer she put it on?"  If Joe Biden is spending his money on mink eyelashes like Madonna then I have a problem with it - but only because minks are adorable. Otherwise leave the guy alone and concentrate on fixing our country before America is transformed into a full-fledged Banana Republic (if we're lucky) or a Third-World nation (if we're not).

Brian Frazer, author of Hyper-Chondriac, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he's here all week.  Stay tuned.

It wouldn't have been intentional, but I almost ruined my brother's wedding last week.  I had no idea when he asked me to be his best man that I would have any responsibilities other than making a speech before dinner.  Had I known that I'd have to stand with him at the Chuppa, I would've had to decline the best-manship. 

As I stood in front of all the wedding guests alongside my brother, I became very light-headed. The room started to spin and my heart began to palpitate so I gripped the wooden Chuppa poles with my hands for support.  Seconds later, I fainted.  As my wife, Nancy, my sister and several others rushed to my aid with water, juices and handkerchiefs to wipe my brow, everyone assumed it had to do with low-blood sugar or the heat.  Only Nancy knew it had nothing to do with either.  It was my aversion to religion that had caused yet another meltdown. 

It all started shortly after my Bar Mitzvah, in 1977.  Two months after I had officially become a man, my Long Island rabbi ditched Judaism to become an Episcopalian minister in Rhode Island.  Ever since then I have freaked out when being exposed to organized religion.  It's not limited to Judaism, either.  When I go to a Catholic wedding I need to sit in the back row, so I can periodically take breaks from the sermon.  When I was in Bangkok, I was unable to last more than three minutes in a Buddhist Temple, despite not understanding one word of Thai.  Even weeks before my own wedding, when Nancy and I first met the rabbi in his office, I needed to leave the room to get into the fetal position on the cold bathroom floor. Thankfully, at our actual wedding I was able to stay upright, but only because I'd instructed Nancy to keep pinching my finger as we held hands, so I could concentrate on physical pain rather than emotional pain while simultaneously counting the pinches.  

A surefire way to stay awake at servicesI don’t want to be like this.  For years I met with a religion therapist to try to conquer my problems. I even went on Zoloft to combat the anxiety attacks that plagued me in houses of worship.  Both have helped improve my religious stamina, but obviously not enough.

The religion therapist thinks it has something to do with my mother having M.S. for the past thirty plus years and, combined with my rabbi's exodus, I had lost my faith in God.  I'm not sure that's the case.  I think between the aforementioned events and the sad fact that most of my relatives were killed during the Holocaust, the entire concept of God has me confused.  The problem is that it's hard to find the answer when the questions make you pass out.  So for the time being, if you see me at a wedding, I'll be outside pacing during the ceremony, which beats turning white and having a rabbi pat down my sweaty head with his yarmulke and then lying that I have low blood sugar to mask my issues.  But I will be at the reception where I will help myself to some of those tiny zucchini things.

Brian Frazer, author of Hyper-Chondriac, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he's here all week.  Stay tuned.