Just in time for the latest summer blockbuster, Eli Valley revisits The Incredible Hulk -- as an American Jew.

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In the glutted landscape of Jewish communal life, no institution blusters with greater pomposity than the Organization That Claims To Speak On Behalf Of The Jews (OTCSBJ). What’s most frustrating about the OTCSBJ is that it often speaks not on behalf of “the Jewish People” but of the tiny percentage of Jews who sign up for its email lists. Most notorious in this category is the Conference of Presidents (“American Jewry’s recognized address for consensus policy”), which clamored vociferously for an invasion of Iraq (see its "Daily Alerts" of cherry-picked panic from 2002 and 2003) despite the fact that a majority of American Jews opposed the invasion.

A relatively new OTCSBJ has entered the scene: The Jewish People Policy Planning Institute. Chaired by Dennis Ross, the JPPPI seeks to formulate an overarching “Jewish policy” with an eye towards strengthening the status of Israel as the “center of Jewish life.” As a sign of how it views the vitality of Diaspora Jewish life, the JPPPI has on its team the famed Israeli demographer Sergio DellaPergola, who clings to the widely-discredited National Jewish Population Survey of 2001, with its bleak outlook for Jewish life in America. After all, it's easier to promote Israel as the "center of Jewish life" if Jewish life everywhere else is falling apart.
Yehezkel Dror: Modern Day Jewish Prophet suspiciously resembles Larry "Bud" Mellman
Now the Founding President of the JPPPI, Yehezkel Dror, has written a stunning op-ed in The Forward about where he feels “the Jewish People” should head. Essentially, he argues, the "requirements of existence" must trump everything else. In light of Israel's (or "the Jewish People's") interests, Dror characterizes moral considerations as "political correctness and other thinking-repressing fashions." He singles out Jewish activism on China and on Turkey's genocide of Armenians, arguing that Jews must be supportive of China and Turkey, "or at least remain neutral," in light of Israel's strategic interests. Bewilderingly, he then takes the "end to morality" argument to the nuclear level:

Similarly, Jewish leaders should support harsh measures against terrorists who potentially endanger Jews, even at the cost of human rights and humanitarian law. And if the threat is sufficiently grave, the use of weapons of mass destruction by Israel would be justified if likely to be necessary for assuring the state’s survival, the bitter price of large number of killed innocent civilians notwithstanding.

Thankfully, Dror concedes that it's hard to define what constitutes "survival" ("there is much room for debate," he assures us. Gosh, thanks, Yehezkel!). But, he insists:

When important for existence, violating the rights of others should be accepted, with regret but with determination. Support or condemnation of various countries and their policies should be decided upon primarily in light of probable consequences for the existence of the Jewish people.

In short, the imperatives of existence should be given priority over other concerns — however important they may be — including liberal and humanitarian values, support for human rights and democratization.

If nothing else, Dror's outlook -- shared, presumably, by the JPPPI -- represents a remarkable devolution. Yesterday's popular Jewish cant about Israel ran along the lines of "Israel, and everything it does, is by definition moral." How far have we progressed if we no longer even pretend it's moral, instead insisting that morality itself must be relinquished as a vestige of an earlier age? What's more, we must weigh Israel's interests not only in discussions of the Middle East, but in ethical issues that come up anywhere in the world. Whatever the situation, says Dror, we risk imperiling the Jewish People's existence by aligning ourselves purely with morality.

One wonders how the term "survival" will be defined. With the proper argument, it can include not only nuking Iran, but rounding up all non-Jewish inhabitants of the West Bank (and hell, pre-Green Line Israel too) and shipping them off to the other side of the Jordan River. Slobodan Milosevic was interested in his people's survival too. Was he the intellectual and moral forefather of the JPPPI?

It seems almost providential that just last week, Albert Einstein rose from the grave to give us a warning about Jews and power. “As far as my experience goes," he wrote about Jews, "they are also no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power.” Dror offers evidence that sixty years into what some people call "the Jewish return to sovereignty," it might be time for some chemotherapy.

Just Say "Sleaze": The JPPPI's Foxman and Kissinger -- Judaism's Moral Compass Just as importantly, with this op-ed, the JPPPI has shown that it has scant knowledge of "the Jewish People," most of whom do not base decisions, moral or otherwise, on the exclusive basis of what David Ben Gurion would wish for. But that won't stop the JPPPI from insisting it speaks on our behalf. In his description of the mission of the organization, Dror has written that "most Israeli policy-makers and also intellectuals and opinion-shapers, suffer from a lack of understanding, as well as ignorance about and misperception of, Diaspora realities, especially concerning the mindset and feelings of the majority of the younger generation." Let's see, how can we bridge this gap in understanding, especially with the "younger generation"? Hey, how about we propose an abandonment of morality whenever Israel is in the picture? That should work beautifully!

At least the JPPPI is consistent with other Organizations That Claim To Speak On Behalf Of The Jews. It's currently enjoying Stage Two of Jewish organizational process:

Stage One:Establish an organization that claims to represent "the Jewish People."

Stage Two: Espouse ideology that the vast majority of Jews would consider to be out-of-touch or morally execrable.

Stage Three: Lament, in limitless policy papers, the fact that so few Jews choose to "affiliate" with the organized community.

Stage Four: Go to Stage One.

To many people, the concept of Zionism signifies the establishment of a Jewish State, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, or cheesy Eurotechno discos on the beach. But from its inception, Zionist philosophy was imbued with some rather startling attitudes towards Diaspora Jews. Whether in Zionist ideology, in ways in which the nascent state conceived its identity, or in contemporary Israel-Diaspora relations, the philosophy known as "Negation of the Diaspora" has been one of the most persistent elements of Zionist discourse. In honor of Israel's 60th Anniversary, Jewcy comic artist Eli Valley explores this aspect of Zionist mythology with superheroes that would fit seamlessly into almost any Jewish educational setting today.

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Eli Valley's Envelope Slideshow of Terror: See real examples of actual Jewish fundraising literature.

If you’ve ever subscribed to a Jewish newspaper, if you’ve ever signed a Jewish petition, chances are you’re on a donor list. You receive dozens of similarly-worded pitch letters from organizations ranging from The Simon Wiesenthal Center to the American Jewish Committee. What is the secret to the success of these letters? How do they help the Jewish organizational world raise millions of dollars from its constituents every year?

Below are excerpts from an actual fundraising letter mailed by B’nai Brith International. In order to facilitate transparency, we’ve added helpful translations in red.

Note: According to its website, the mission of B’nai Brith International is “to unite persons of the Jewish faith and to enhance Jewish identity through strengthening Jewish family life and the education and training of youth, broad-based services for the benefit of senior citizens, and advocacy and action on behalf of Jews throughout the world.”

Dear Friend,

Six Million Jews were exterminated during the Holocaust because the world ignored the genocidal ranting of Adolph Hitler and his maniacal followers.

Translation: You will die.

Today that same number – six million Jews – live in the State of Israel.

Translation: You cannot run, nor can you hide. Every single Jew, no matter where he lives, will be hunted down and killed.

Just consider what Israel sees when it gazes upon its regional neighbors.

Translation: Jewish rat!

Syria – upgrading its Air Force with the latest Russian fighters even as it builds fortified underground bunkers and arms itself with offensive missiles.

Translation: That new iphone you bought? It will look spiffy in the hands of the roving Muslim marauders feeding off your bloated carcass.

Hezbollah – after devastating Israel last summer with missile attacks, has restocked its armaments, boasting today of more than 33,000 missiles...

Translation: The upcoming Holocaust will make the first Holocaust look like a simple dress rehearsal.

Hamas – now in control of the “Palestinian Authority,” is turning Gaza into a launching point for the next war, importing tens-of-thousands of rifles, rocket-propelled grenades, armor-piercing artillery shells and missiles.

Translation: A dress rehearsal where the costumes don't fit and everybody is forgetting their lines.

Iran – could acquire a nuclear bomb within three years according to U.S. intelligence officials; even as it continues to fund and arm the most radical terrorist groups.

Translation: Nobody will forget their lines in Holocaust II.

Facing such dire circumstances, we must all take responsibility – each and every one of us – to do all that we can to support international efforts to put a halt to Iran’s nuclear ambitions and to restrain the murderous rampage of global Jihadists.

Translation: Think of your favorite magazine. Got it? The editor hates Jews. The editor wants to see you dead.

…Let me put the whole story in context for you.

Translation: Rigor Mortis.

... Terror threats have now placed the U.S. Jewish community on alert.

Translation: You think you’re safe in your terrycloth bathrobe, scratching your crotch and watching reruns of “24”?

The Palestinian terror group, Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades announced that they would target Zionists outside of Palestine in order to take Jews as hostages that could be traded with Israel for the release of Palestinian terrorists imprisoned in Israel.

Translation: Even if they have to swim the ocean, they will come here with photos of you, and they will knock door-to-door until they find you, drag you in the street, and chop off your head before salivating throngs.

These are real events taking place today, with very real consequences for the people whose lives and freedom hang in the balance.

Translation: Do we need to spell it out? Okay. Your parents and your children, your spouse and your siblings, will all be dead.

But this is not a time for despair. It is a time for action.

Translation: You know how your cat does that cute thing where she rubs her nose up against your ear? If you don’t act now, your cat will be killed too.

… B’nai B’rith has been instrumental this past year in getting the United Nations to take responsible actions that were quite unprecedented – such as the convening of its first meeting ever devoted to the problem of anti-Semitism; its official commemoration of the 60^th anniversary of the liberation of Nazi concentration camps; and its selection of Israel to chair a session of the General Assembly.

Translation: B’nai Brith is your only hope of surviving the onslaught of vampires famished for the blood of pasty-skinned Jews.

… With your support, B’nai B’rith can launch an all-out effort to use our extensive network of international contacts and influential opinion leaders throughout Europe, South America and elsewhere to help ensure that the United Nations will not fail to rise to these historic circumstances.

Translation: There is a chance, however remote and quixotic, that we can avert the next Holocaust, but it will not be possible without your generous help.

Failure under these circumstances is too terrible to contemplate.

Translation: Did we mention your imminent doom?

Please tell us that we can count on your support at this time.

Translation: We cannot guarantee success in averting the next Holocaust. But maybe we can reduce its magnitude. Maybe, if we try hard enough, we can save you.

Just take a moment right now to write the most generous check you can afford.

Translation: Who knows, maybe we can save your family, too.

Whether you can afford just $36, $50, $100, $500, $1,000 or more, you can be assured that your contribution will be effectively put to work.

Translation: It comes down to this: If you can't scrape together a minimum of, say, $500, our chances of averting Holocaust II will be diminished accordingly. Are you willing to roll the dice? Are you feeling ... lucky?

You know what’s at stake. History has taught us the extraordinarily painful costs of failing to act in time.

Translation: Remember that old friend of yours from Sophomore Year of High School? Remember your pact? How if the world were about to end, you'd drop everything, declare your love for one another, and have wild sex on the brink of oblivion?

Won’t you please stand with us now?

Translation: Write that check now or your childhood friend will be the first to die, studmuffin.

Sincerely,

Daniel S. Mariaschin

International Director

Translation: I am Edward Mambo of the Democratic Republic of Congo (formerly Zaire) and the former aide de camp of the late President Laurent Kabila of blessed memory.

P.S. In every area of Jewish life—from fighting for Israel in the world’s great forums to helping to educate our young people and providing assistance to Jewish seniors to combating anti-Semitism, B’nai B’rith makes an enormous difference.

Translation: I am presently living in Nigeria on asylum. In case you are wondering, I got your contact form the foreign trade office of the Nigeria Chamber of Commerce and Industry. The events of the past one year in my country has been very unfortunate. The late President Kabila successfully toppled the very corrupt government of the late dictator Mobutu Sese Seko and ruled justly and peacefully for a few months. Unfortunately, the Tutsi from Goma, the northern part of the country rebelled against his government and since then my country has been at war.

But we can’t do this alone.

Translation: After the late President Kabila was assassinated under very questionable circumstances, I knew I was in danger of losing from both ends. I have in my possession funds amounting to U.S.$15.5 million. In the usual manner of conveying such funds, the money is in defaced form in a trunk box for security reasons. It is now in the safe custody of a security company.

We need men and women who really care about what we do – and about issues like Israel’s security – to give and give generously to support what we are working so hard to do.

Translation: Now I am seeking foreign assistance to transfer the funds overseas. You will understand that my entire life and future depend on this money and I shall be very grateful if you can assist me. The major thing I demand from you is the absolute assurance that the money will be safe and you will not sit on it when it is transferred to your account.

I hope you are one of those people. Please help us continue this work by responding to this letter today.

Translation: If you are ready to be of assistance, please contact me immediately, so that I can furnish you with the modalities for the transaction and what is expected of you. I shall be most grateful if you maintain utmost confidentiality and keep this message entirely to yourself.

Best regards,

Mr. Edward Mambo

c/o Goddess Perlman.