ANNOUNCER (in Yiddish accent): “Live! From the Nelson and Happy RockefellerJewish Community Center on the beautiful Upper West Side in magnificent New York City! Brought to you by Bank of America! It’s A One Percenters’ Hanukkah! Now, please welcome your host, Donald Trump!”
TRUMP: “Hi there, folks. I know I’m not technically Yiddishkeit, but I own most of Manhattan, and most of Manhattan is comprised of Jews, so that makes me Jewish by proxy. We’ve got a very classy lineup for you tonight, so let’s get started with the tradition candle blessing. Please welcome my good friend, a real yiddishekop and a true champion of the people, Mike Bloomberg.”
BLOOMBERG: “Donald, always a pleasure. Here’s your Chanukah present, to you from me, for another great year of progress and money making.”
BLOOMBERG hands TRUMP a box wrapped lavishly with gold paper.
BLOOMBERG: “We had that paper specially made by Occupy Wall Street folks. That’s 100% recycled protest signs made by the 99%. Who says we don’t support them?”
TRUMP opens the box to reveal a gold-framed mirror, encrusted with diamonds.
TRUMP: “It’s perfect, Mike. Just what I’ve always wanted, another reflective surface to admire myself in. It’ll look so classy in the Gold Bathroom off the second foyer in my penthouse. By the way, here’s my gift to you AND to the City of New York.”
A stagehand wheels in a huge statue of Trump, made of gold and wearing a fur coat. Together, TRUMP and BLOOMBERG light a giant diamond menorah with platinum candles.
TRUMP: “Now THAT’S classy. Thanks so much, Mike. Such a mensch. And now, please welcome, the next President of the United States, Mitt Romney!”
MITT ROMNEY enters, carrying a large gift wrapped in candy-cane striped paper.
TRUMP: “Don’t tell me that paper was made from actual candy-stripers! Oy vey!”
ROMNEY: “Donald, this year, I’m so grateful to still have so much money, even though I don’t technically have a job. So you could say, I’m the 99% of the 1%!”
(More canned laughter)
TRUMP tears open the box to reveal a series of smaller boxes, finally revealing a ring box. He opens it and takes out a diamond tie pin that spells out “Vice President Trump.”
TRUMP: “Vice President Trump. I like the sound of it. Sounds classy.”
ROMNEY: “Romney/Trump in 2012! Wait, that’s pretty soon, right?”
TRUMP: “I’ll ask my assistant’s assistant to check that for you.”
TRUMP: “Mitt, my good friend, I couldn’t let this Chanukah go by without giving you a little something.”
A Victoria’s Secret model enters the stage, smiles at MITT ROMNEY, and they leave together, arm in arm.
TRUMP: “Thanks, Karolina, you’re a classy lady. Some tuches on that shiksa, don’t even get me started! A great miracle’s about to happen somewhere, am I right?
(Slide trombone) And now, please welcome to the stage some personal friends of mine, a classy group of guys, Coldplay.”
COLDPLAY is revealed standing in front of a giant backdrop of Masada.
TRUMP: “Hey, Chrissy, how’d you guys like that private jet I sent you?”
CHRIS MARTIN: “Oh, Donald, it was so lovely of you. We especially enjoyed that special Bikram yoga studio you installed so we could meditate during the flight.”
TRUMP: “My pleasure, Chrissy. Now, what have you brought me for Chanukah this year?”
CHRIS MARTIN: “Donald, our gift to you, and to the world, is this new song we wrote backstage. We realize that not everyone is as fortunate as we are, and so we’d like to dedicate this to them.
“Fair trade…fair trade…
That’s how we spend the money we’ve made
Fair trade…fair trade…
Thank you for buying the music we’ve played…”
COLDPLAY is joined onstage by a huge celebrity chorus comprised of Beyonce, Jay-Z, Sting, Bono, Gwyneth Paltrow, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Black-Eyed Peas, the Kardashians, Oprah, and various others. TRUMP joins them for the finale.
“Without the workers, legal or not
We wouldn’t have everything that we’ve got
So keep on trying, you’re almost there
Whoever said life would be fair?
Fair trade…fair trade…
Thanks for buying our little charade
Fair trade…fair trade…”
BEYONCE steps to the microphone for her big solo. JAY-Z raps the lines after she sings them. It’s very impressive.
“Happy Chanukah all my shana maidels
Think of us when you’re spinning your dreidels
Light those candles, they’ll bring some heat
The leftover latkes will be a tasty treat
Go on and Occupy, if it makes you feel better
How you like my Prada sweater? PEACE!”
JAY-Z: “Shake it, all my shaygetz!”
TRUMP steps to the front as the chorus continues behind him.
TRUMP: “Well, my mishpochah, that’s our show. I hope you enjoyed A 1%’ers Chanukah, and I hope to see you when we do it all again in five days for A 1%’ers Christmas. Shalom!”