As a therapist, I’ve found that one of the most subtle and frequent ways we "miss the mark" is by approval-seeking. 

Just for a moment, ask yourself:  During the past year did I exaggerate my own merits or goodness at any moments to convince someone I was more than I am and to win their approval?  Did I hold back from speaking up for something important because I didn’t want to lose the approval of certain individuals?  Did I pretend to be fine with something that was in need of repair because I didn’t want to sound "high maintenance?"  Did I stay stuck in an unhealthy relationship, a deadening job, a gossipy group, an abusive or toxic situation, or an unresolved conflict because I was afraid to make waves and risk someone thinking badly of me?

As infants, we desperately needed the approval and nurturance of our early caregivers.  Approval-seeking is one of the most important survival skills that keep us alive and well-fed early in life.  Not only do fragile infants and young children need to win the approval of their individual caregivers, but they also need to win the approval and support of their tribe, their clan, their posse in order to survive. 

Yet at a certain age, we start to learn new ways of standing up for ourselves and speaking truth to power.  We learn how to be different from the expectations of others and to find a creative, positive way to express our unique gifts and talents.  We learn how to say "No" or "Let me have some time to think it over," rather than jumping each time someone says jump in order that they will approve of us as a "good boy" or "good girl." 

It’s not easy to learn how to speak up for yourself or to say "No" or "Let me have some time to think it over."  Some do it with angry, clumsy outbursts, whininess, or self-righteous haughtiness.  Others rarely speak up and prefer to hold their feelings locked inside until these stored-up feelings slip out in sarcasm or nasty remarks.

At Selichot and during the weeks of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we don’t just seek forgiveness for diminishing ourselves and others because of our approval-seeking and other old habits–we also seek to change in a more holy direction, to improve, to stop doing what doesn’t work and to start trying out new ways that are more healthy and have greater integrity.

In my new book FITTING IN IS OVERRATED: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider, I describe several creative and effective ways to speak up for what truly matters and to do so without going to the extremes of self-righteousness or excessive niceness.  In between the two extremes of angry outbursts or smiling phoniness, there is a beautiful middle way described in many Jewish teachings.  It requires treating yourself as a holy vessel of Divine light and also treating the person you are confronting as a holy vessel of Divine light.  If you fully respect your own diverse insights and the other person’s right to hold diverse insights, something wonderful often happens.  The two of you not only can hear each other better, but your mutually compassionate relationship and your respect for your profound differences becomes a holy experience in itself.

Several years ago during the week before the High Holy Days, I arranged to have lunch with someone with whom I had been having silent disagreements even though this person and I were still trying very hard to win each other’s approval.  I was nervous about this lunch, concerned that if it went badly this person would forever judge me in a negative light.  But I knew we had to stop walking on egg shells with each other and that we needed to have a more authentic way of dealing with our differences.

We began our lunch by telling each other three things that are wonderful and decent about the other person.  Then we began to brainstorm about how to stop getting on each other’s nerves about a particular clash that had been going on for several years. 

By the end of the lunch, the theme of our relationship was no longer about winning each other’s approval or fearing each other’s disapproval.  For the first time in years, we saw each other as equally opinionated and decent human beings, both of us caring deeply about a particular controversial question and having very different ways to answer that question.  For the first time in years, our hearts were open and we were no longer so tense and guarded toward each other.

Twisting yourself into a pretzel to win someone’s approval is not good for your body or your soul.  If you notice your stomach tightening, your teeth and jaw clenched,  your adrenalin rushing, or your thoughts racing when you are face-to-face with someone whose approval seems extremely important to you, maybe it’s time to ask yourself, "What if I stop giving so much power to this person and his or her judgment of me?  What if I envision both of us as holy vessels of Divine light?  We are different vessels and we might have different purposes and different tasks in this lifetime–but neither one of us is meant to spend any more time cringing in fear or going overboard to seek the other’s approval."

The month of Elul and the High Holy Days are a terrific opportunity to ask yourself if it’s time to stop diminishing yourself by putting someone else on a pedestal.  It’s an excellent time to explore with a therapist, a coach, a rabbi, friend, or loved one how to let go of the excessive need for approval-seeking and all the ways it is costing you emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I hope you have some success in this worthy endeavor and I wish you a good and healthy L’shanah tovah!

(For more information on how to honor your own uniqueness and to overcome the habit of excessive approval-seeking, please see www.fittinginisoverrated.com).

Dr. Leonard Felder spent the last week guest blogging for Jewcy.  This is his farewell post.  Want more?  Check out his book, Fitting in Is Overrated.

The post Speak Up: Asking for Forgiveness for Approval-Seeking appeared first on Jewcy.

I was 22 and had recently graduated from Kenyon College in Ohio when I got my first grown-up job in the Research Department of Doubleday Publishing in New York.  Among the many assignments in that job, the one I enjoyed most was attending meetings for an upcoming book from a man who had worked many years in the Coast Guard before trying to break in as a writer.  His name was Alex Haley and he’d signed a contract with Doubleday twelve years earlier to research and write a nonfiction account of how his ancestors were taken from Africa and eventually became his grandmother’s family in Tennessee.  He’d been researching the details for twelve years because the story of his "roots" was much more complicated and intense than he’d ever imagined.

During one of those meetings, a heated discussion arose between several of the corporate "suits" and this one courageous writer.  The "suits" were insisting that the book would only do well with African-American readers and a small percentage of whites.  The courageous writer explained that this was not just a black story but essentially the longing of every individual to find out who you are, where you come from, and what is your soul’s journey in life.   

Alex Haley said something at one of those meetings where he was severely outnumbered by corporate "suits" that I will never forget.  He leaned forward with that compelling expression on his face and said, "There are two things that I keep in mind and that help me stay true to who I am.  The first is that I am not a slave to money.  I do what I do because that’s exactly what my soul is telling me I need to be exploring and learning." 

You have to understand that in the modern world of publishing, you don’t often hear someone saying he doesn’t care about money.  It was completely silent now in the meeting room.  Then the silence was broken by Haley’s slow but deliberate speech.  He said: 

"The second thing that helps me keep my sanity is that I believe if you tell the truth and you do it with grace and respect for the person who is hearing your truth, some amazing things can happen.  Just like the Bible says ‘the truth shall set you free,’ so have I found that there is a mysterious power in seeking the truth, speaking the truth, and risking everything for the truth.  Living that way brings me more joy than focusing on dollars or the approval of others."

When he stopped talking, there was silence again.  But his passionate words have stuck in my head ever since.  I’ll admit I worry about financial security as much as the next person.  But I also began to consider the freedom and the personal integrity I saw in Alex Haley.  It made me wonder what it would mean in each of our lives to have a stronger sense of truth in our daily interactions, our business dealings, our government policies, and our connection to other people and the living things of this world?

You probably know that Haley’s book Roots sold millions of copies and inspired every ethnic group (including Jews, Irish, Italians, Latinos, and many others) to dig deeper and rediscover the wisdom and courage of their ancestors.  In my own life, I have a little voice in the back of my head whenever I am sitting in a business meeting or a non-profit volunteer gathering and the question arises of whether we should cut corners and sell out a bit.  I always hear Haley’s voice reminding me that "there is a mysterious power in seeking the truth and living that way brings me more joy than focusing on dollars or the approval of others."

Alex Haley is one of a dozen famous people profiled in my new book FITTING IN IS OVERRATED:  The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider.  (The others include "community organizer" Betty Friedan, director Ang Lee, singer/songwriter Macy Gray, environmentalist Andy Lipkis, and others).  Each of these vulnerable and compassionate people has inspired me because they found a way to put truth and healing ahead of approval-seeking and easy riches.

We live in a very impatient and greedy time in human history.  So each of us needs role models who were able to step off the rat race and they found a profoundly decent and empowering way to make a difference in the world.  I hope you find those role models in your own life, as well as the joy of knowing that you are living in the mysterious power of "emet/truth." 

(For more information about how to nourish your soul by honoring what makes you different or unique, log onto www.fittinginisoverrated.com)

Dr. Leonard Felder, author of Fitting in Is Overrated, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he’ll be here all week. Stay tuned.

The post Roots Vs. Suits: What I Learned from Alex Haley appeared first on Jewcy.

So have any of your good ideas been thwarted or ignored by certain keepers of the status quo?   Maybe it’s a creative idea that has been too scary or innovative for those who like to keep repeating what’s already been tried.  Or maybe it’s a creative solution to a problem that needs fixing where you work, where you go to services, or even in your own extended family. 

We Jews are supposed to be repairing the world–globally, locally, and even in our own complicated families.  But how do you stay healthy, positive, and persistent when your good ideas are being opposed or dismissed by the powerful insiders who don’t like anyone shaking things up on their familiar turf? 

In my new book FITTING IN IS OVERRATED: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider, I describe several practical steps and the most effective strategies (from Jewish, psychological, and management teachings) for bringing about positive changes in a hesitant group, organization, club, social gathering, or family situation. These steps include:

HAVING THE HUMILITY TO KNOW YOU ARE BUT A GRAIN OF SAND AND ALSO THE SELF-AWARENESS TO KNOW THAT THE ENTIRE WORLD IS DEPENDING ON YOUR PERSISTENT ACTIONS.  One of the greatest teachings in Judaism comes from the Talmud and it says that we need to carry at all times both the humility of our smallness and fragility, as well as the bold courage and strength of our being important partners in the ongoing creation and repair of the world.  Remembering both of those parts of who you are during a stressful power struggle at work, in a group, or with your family can help you from falling into the traps of being too arrogant or self-righteous, as well as reminding you never to give up on a cause that is worth pursuing because the world needs your outsider insights on how to repair that particular situation.

FINDING ONE OR TWO ALLIES AMONG THE POWERFUL INSIDERS WHO ARE OPEN TO CHANGE.  In Judaism the struggle for women’s rights and gay rights took hold when powerful allies began to speak up on behalf of those who had been marginalized or excluded for centuries.  It doesn’t take a quick majority for change to occur, but rather it requires some persistent outsiders and a few courageous insiders who are willing to risk their own credibility and start including the research, ideas, voices, and win-win solutions from the outsiders who long to be included.  If someone in your temple, your workplace, your neighborhood, or your family has been feeling like an outsider and you are the possible bridge who can help them be heard, make sure you use your power for good this year.  Or if you are the marginalized outsider in a slow-to-change organization or family situation, please stop hitting your fragile head against the wall long enough to sit down and have a few supportive lunches with the few courageous insiders who might be willing to be your future ally.  You don’t have to do it all by yourself, especially if someone on the inside has the heart and wisdom to appreciate the merits of what you know must be changed and improved.

TREATING EVEN THE PERSON WHO IS OPPOSING YOU AS A HOLY SPARK OF THE DIVINE (even if their holy sparks are deeply hidden under some rigid personality traits).  One of the best ways to come up with win-win solutions and better teamwork in a slow-to-change organization or family situation is to surprise your opposition by the decency and integrity of your approach.  Rather than demonizing the other person or gossiping about him or her, our Jewish teachings from the Torah and the Musar tradition from the 19th century of how to walk-the-walk say that you will be more successful if you treat each human being as containing sparks of holiness and glimpses of the Divine. 

I think of recent incidents in which Israelis, Palestinians, and Arab leaders were finally sitting down together to talk respectfully about water shortages and how to revive the Jordan River, the Dead Sea, and the fragile water distribution systems of the Middle East.  I think of recent moments when people from the pro-choice movements and the pro-life movements sat down together to talk about pro-active ways to reduce unwanted pregnancies and positive ways to prevent AIDS through finally talking about condoms and safer sex.  I think of synagogues and temples where hawks and doves recently sat down together respectfully to discuss the fact that they were both lovers of Israel and that their clashing styles were each necessary to keep our beloved Israel balanced and strong.  I think of families in my counseling office where instead of screaming at one another or retreating into resentful silences, they engaged in a healthy family discussion of how to respect and include the family members who are rebellious, different, or formerly excluded.

It takes a lot of persistence and a lot of subtle people skills to get things done in this world.  So if you have a creative project, a work situation, a social dilemma, or a family conflict that needs excellent strategic moves right now, don’t revert to your old ways.  Find a book, a teacher, a coach, or a friend who can keep you on track to bring out your best efforts for overcoming the hesitance of the slow-to-change keepers of the status quo.  It can be done, but not if we just revert back to self-righteous anger or old-school resentments and bickering.  

(For more information on creative methods for being a more effective change-agent in all areas of your life, see www.fittinginisoverrated.com)

Dr. Leonard Felder, author of Fitting in Is Overrated, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he’ll be here all week. Stay tuned.

The post How Long Before A Great New Idea Bears Fruit? appeared first on Jewcy.

For several years, I’ve belonged to an innovative congregation of Jewish adults where a sizeable number of women and men have strayed from the Jewish party-line at one time or another before coming back in a deeper way.  Some have gone to yoga, meditation, Buddhism, agnostic therapists, or atheist writers before returning to look more intensely into the profound wisdom and daily practicality of Jewish spiritual teachings.  A number of congregants tend to have one foot in their Judaism along with another foot that searches for additional ways to explore the unknowable.

While researching my new book FITTING IN IS OVERRATED:  The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider, I asked hundreds of creative and thoughtful people from all walks of life what they can see now after spending time away from the beliefs and expectations of their family-of-origin, their social class, their religious tribe, or the entrenched habits of their high school and college friends.  Here’s what I discovered:

DEVELOPING FRESH EYES.  When you stray from the mind-set you were raised with, it allows you to return later with a much stronger curiosity and appreciation for each flavor, each insight, and each spiritual activity.  It’s almost like when you eat ginger to clean your palate in between courses at a Japanese restaurant.  This allows you to pause and breathe in slowly, to take a moment to notice what you’ve just tasted, and to open up from a place of conscious curiosity to the next flavorful experience you are about to have.

DEVELOPING YOUR ABILITY TO CHOOSE WISELY.  When you look at your own family background, your own life path, and your own religious tradition with the objectivity of a curious outsider, it’s more likely that you will choose what’s holy and healthy for the next phase of your life while steering clear of what’s toxic or no longer life-affirming.  You might choose to reaffirm some of the beliefs, values, and practices you strayed from for a while, but what’s different this time is that it will come from choosing wisely rather than blindly going along with something you didn’t quite understand previously.

DEVELOPING A MORE OPEN HEART.  In Judaism it says that to connect with the holiest energies, you first need to "circumcise your heart."  Ouch, that’s gotta hurt.  

As a spiritually-oriented therapist, I have helped thousands of women and men go through the pain and the liberation of opening up their hearts after they had broken off a formerly-comfortable relationship with a lover, a friend, a family system, or an organization that felt like home but eventually became suffocating.  Once you go through the pain of opening up your heart to something new and uncertain, a deeper sense of commitment and competence is possible.  Only with a circumcised heat can you truly connect with the relationship, the career, the friendships, and the unique path that is your own.

So if you are currently or recently a Jew who has strayed, I say mazal tov and I welcome you back when and if you are ready to go deeper.  Or if you know someone who has been feeling guilty or sneaky about the fact that they’ve received some wisdom and comfort from another path, please offer this straying Jew the love and shared search for truth that we all would want from a compassionate tribe that is committed to loving each and every spark of the Divine. 

Or if you have strayed from the beliefs and expectations of your family or your friends, I say Yasher Koach, may the strength of the Eternal One be with you as you gather up wisdom and experience that you will hopefully use as a blessing for repairing many corners of this broken world. 

It takes a curious mind and a rebellious, questioning spirit to get to the truth and to come up with innovative solutions to the pressing problems we all face.  Please don’t let anyone trample on your right to be curious, questioning, and rebellious.  It’s a wonderful aspect of being a Jew and the world needs the wisdom that we gain from our outsider’s perspective. 

(For more information about how to turn an outsider’s pain into healing and innovative ideas, visit www.fittinginisoverrated.com). 

Dr. Leonard Felder, author of Fitting in Is Overrated, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he’ll be here all week. Stay tuned.

The post Have You Ever Strayed From the Tribe? If So, Yasher Koach! appeared first on Jewcy.

I’m the child of a Holocaust survivor and I’m named after my grandpa who perished in Auschwitz.  My grandpa never got to hang out with the ruling elite of Germany.  So maybe Joe Lieberman doing high-fives with Cindy McCain, Sara Palin, the Bush family, and Obama’s distant cousin Dick Cheney (from the Kansas mishpachah of Obama’s mom) should be viewed as a blessed event for my tribe.

But as Gilda Radner used to say after her rant on what’s the big fuss about saving Soviet Jewelry, "NEVER MIND!"

Here are 3 reasons why I’d rather Senator Lieberman (and other Jews) take a second look at McCain and Palin before getting deeper into bed with them: 

1) WE JEWS LIKE TO WRESTLE WITH TORAH, NOT TO ACCEPT IT BLINDLY.  Even our name Yisra-El means to wrestle with the Holy One.  So when John McCain said quickly last year that "America is a Christian nation," did that make you wonder about how much he wrestles with issues of faith and practice?  Or when he said last month to Pastor Rick Warren that what it means to be a Christian is not about following Jesus in repairing the world or confronting the powerful, but rather (in McCain’s quick answer that got huge applause), "It means I’m saved and I’m redeemed."  Did that feel like a very comforting answer to those of us who seek redemption through teshuvah, tikkun olam, and constant soul-searching?

2) WE JEWS DON’T TEND TO VOTE FOR BOOK BANNERS OR PEOPLE WHO FIRE LIBRARIANS WHO OPPOSE BOOK BANNING.  I really hope they get Secret Service protection for Anne Kilkenny and the fired librarian from Palin’s hometown who both got put in the irreversible "banished forever" file because they weren’t open to book banning.  I’m sure Sara Palin has many great qualities, but I certainly don’t want to see someone a heartbeat from the presidency who views everything in such black-or-white, all-or-nothing absolutes.  I know that John Kerry lost a lot of votes in 2004 when George W. Bush called him a "nuanced thinker" and Bush reassured the nation that "I don’t do nuance."  But we Jews have survived for thousands of years by embracing the fact that Rabbi Hillel and Rabbi Shammai are both correct and that in the nuanced tension between clashing views we find holiness and sparks of the Divine.

3) WE JEWS HAVE PLENTY OF POWERFUL INSIDERS WHO APPRECIATE US, SO LET’S NOT MINGLE TOO MUCH IN PLACES WHERE THEY ONLY WANT TO CONVERT US.   The key to Jewish survival has always been the supportive organizations we’ve created in every community where we’ve lived and the strong alliances we built with those who appreciated us as outsiders who are different and yet worthy of being treated with justice and kindness.  Rather than pretending we are in love with those who desperately want us to convert to their one-and-only way, we do much better when we create new alternative circles that help repair the broken world.  

For example, when I was researching my new book FITTING IN IS OVERRATED: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider, I discovered a wonderful true story about a young woman named Bettye Goldstein who was excluded from all the cliques at Central High in Peoria because she was perceived as "too bookish, too Jewish, too honest."  So, young Bettye began to write articles and books on how to be a smart woman and find both men and women who would honor your strengths.  Then, under her married name of Betty Friedan, she began to form thousands of small consciousness-raising groups where women could find their voice and expand their support systems.  Like little havurot (groups of friends studying together and supporting one another through good times and rough times), these consciousness-raising groups changed the world enormously in the past 40 years.  But this change occurred not by trying to fit in with those who were out to turn back time to the way things were.  The change occurred by creating new supportive groups and friendships where it was finally ok to be bookish, Jewish, and honest.

Question:  What do you think?  Is it better to be different and create alternative circles of support and empowerment?  Or is it better to get invited to hang out with the currently powerful insiders and hope they will overlook the fact that you represent everything they detest?    For more on this topic, log onto www.fittinginisoverrated.com.

Dr. Leonard Felder, author of Fitting in Is Overrated, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he’ll be here all week. Stay tuned.

The post Now That Jews Can Mingle, Should We Partake? appeared first on Jewcy.