With songs called “Angus Bangs Sheep,” and “The Schlong Song,” as well as a duet number that features Helen Keller moaning while Anne Frank shushes her, one would think that Turner’s routines would cause more of a shock. Only once, though, has she gotten guff from an angry audience member, outraged at Turner’s bit about Googling god.

Another time, a table full of senior citizens left loudly in the middle of her set. “I guess I offended them,” she said. “They got up so abruptly that I really made a big deal, because it was noisy and rude and interrupted my show. It turns out one of them was having a heart attack. I felt really bad.”

Despite her off-color lyrics and song themes, Turner is by no means a vulgar person off-stage. She spends most of her time with her husband, comedian Ralphie May, and their two young children. Turner met May when she started doing comedy 14 years ago, and she regularly opens shows for him on the road when not headlining clubs herself.

In addition to performing, Turner recently completed the treatment for a sitcom based on her life with May. She also plays a teacher in the upcoming film, Teacher of the Year, and will appear on an episode of The Dog Whisperer.

But for Turner, the journey—which included years of waiting tables and cleaning houses—has been worth it. “Just the other day I got an email from someone who said they had a bad day and seeing my show changed everything,” she said.

“Laughter is the best medicine. It can heal a hurt heart. I love to laugh. Who doesn’t love to laugh? The rush of being on stage and getting people to laugh together is an amazing feeling.”

The post Singing Along with Lahna Turner appeared first on Jewcy.

I’ve been in Los Angeles for almost a week now. I’m spending the month here figuring out if I want to move here (after one day, the answer was a resounding, “heck yes!”). I’ve even started to look into the Jewish community, which has been, to say the least, very interesting.

In New York, the ultra Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods are the most noticable. That’s mainly it when it comes to overall communities.  The Modern Orthodox ones aren’t young, and Danny and I have never felt at home in the ones we’ve visited. We were hoping to have a little bit more luck in LA.

The second day here we visited Fairfax, or as everyone out here lovingly refers to it, “Jewland.” The local kosher butcher carries South African meat, which is a rare find in NYC. It was already looking good for Danny, who is addicted to the stuff. The supermarkets have a nice vibe, and unlike the ones in NY, aren’t dominated by the traditional Orthodox or Chasidic people. They are truly a mix.

Our first Shabbat here was spent at a Conservative shul since the place where we are staying isn’t near an Orthodox one. It was… weird. The people were warm, and the building itself was beautiful, but the experience felt a little off. The rabbi and cantor brought out guitars and played a piano during services, which felt like a Jewish open mic. It was very Hollywood. I felt uneasy considering that it’s forbidden to play instruments during Shabbat. The piano felt like I was in church. And on the Conservative side, it doesn’t feel right that Danny and I were allowed to sit together. I know I sound anti-feminist or sexist, but sitting next to him really was a distraction.

Other than that, the water for washing before the meal was warm. It’s forbidden to turn on hot water on Shabbat because it lights up the hot water heater. It was mandatory for me to wear a head covering at services, and all of the women were wearing kippahs. My belief is that if I want to wear a head covering, it’ll only be after I get married. It made me feel uneasy that I didn’t have a choice. They spoke about momzers, and said people don’t pay attention to that anymore. However, I learned at my shul that there are websites specifically for momzers to meet each other. I thought it was ignorant to say that the momzer ideas are outdated when there are tons of people who still care about it and have to live that way.

I liked that women participated in the services, which is something I wish that Orthodox Judaism promoted more. That was definitely the best part of the whole experience.

It’s funny- about six months ago, I wanted to convert to Conservative Judaism, but now I can’t even imagine it. If I’m going to convert, I have to go all in and do it halakhic style. To some, it may seem that I’ve become more close minded. I look at myself all the time with a critical eye and think, will I become pro life? Will I become anti-gay? Will I move out of mine and Danny’s apartment and live on my own until marriage? Will I go to the mikveh once a month and practice the strictest family purity laws? The answer to all those is no, but I know that Danny is often afraid that they’ll all turn into “yes” once I get more into it. But if that does happen, why would Danny want to be with someone who loses herself completely to her religion?

I have my core values, and I won’t let my liberal views be tainted by my religious ones. Heck, there are ways to be pro-gay and pro-choice in Orthodox Judaism, despite close minded opinions about us. There are even ways to not have to go to the Mikveh every month. Once you get inside the Orthodox community, you learn all these things. As for people who have these opinions, I advise them to spend some time within our community.

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Going back to my hometown and realizing it’s full of vibrant Jewish life is one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced. I grew up in a blue collar neighborhood and moved to a Jewish neighborhood in Baltimore during high school. I didn’t know much about them, save for the fact that they wore all black and walked everywhere (especially on Saturdays, what’s up with that?). Little did I know that one day I’d be somewhat part of this community that just a year ago seemed so distant from my reality.

When I first went back home and was trying to be kosher, it was tough. I thought there was nowhere to eat. I broke Shabbos left and right and back and forth and up and down and side to side. Then, over Christmas, my boyfriend Danny came home with me. With his help, I started to take in the Baltimore Jewish community, only to be more than pleasantly surprised by how much I loved it.

In December, I discovered a great bagel shop where Danny, his friend and I hung out on Christmas Eve. It was great not to miss Christmas whatsoever, especially with the help of Danny. We visited a kosher coffee joint for the first time where I got a drink that was comparable, if not better than a Starbucks frap. Since I started my conversion process, when I went home, I felt uncomfortable. I knew no one in the Orthodox neighborhood, and my Reform friends aren’t kosher or Shomer Shabbos. I pretty much lost any Jewish identity I gained in New York when I went back. But now that’s completely changed.

This past visit to Baltimore, just last week, I experienced my first Shabbaton, and I absolutely loved it. I’ve figured out the tricks to keeping Shabbat: 1. Buy a crockpot, timed lights (or “kosher lights” at your local Judaica store), a hot water heater, and a hot plate. 2. Cook your little heart out on Thursday night/Friday afternoon. 3. Plug your phone into your charger, so the screen is lit up so you can see if you missed any important/emergency phone calls. Maybe that last rule isn’t so kosher, but if you struggle the most with not checking your phone/emails on Shabbat like me, then at least that takes some of the anxiety away.

At the Shabbaton, I sat around, read 200 pages of my book, and had great conversations with the family whose house we were staying at. It was one of my favorite days so far this year, and definitely the most meaningful Shabbat I’ve had yet to experience. After it was over, Danny and I got some of the best pizza and french fries I’ve ever tasted- and they were kosher. The whole experience back home really exceeded my expectations.

I think it’s much easier to keep Shabbos when you have a family and people to talk to and take in the beautiful time of week with. Danny and I usually just stay home or maybe hit up Chabad. Our Friday nights and Saturday afternoons are usually lonely or boring or both. In many ways, it’s more difficult to celebrate the holiday when you don’t have a family. We live far, far away from our shul, which is even harder to get to in the very cold or hot weather. We are considering completely uprooting our life to live in a more Orthodox neighborhood, possibly in another state. Danny and I have both been disappointed, overall, with the Jewish communities in New York City and the surrounding suburbs.

Hopefully we will be able to make the necessary adjustments to our life sometime this year and find a “happy medium.” We don’t want to live amongst the Ultra-Orthodox, but we also don’t want to be completely assimilated. It’s hard to get to that middle ground, but we’ll just have to keep exploring our options and hopefully find our place in a nice community soon.

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Being religious requires a lot of practice. And if you don’t keep up with it, you fall behind.

I admit: I don’t go to shul every week, or even every other week. I’ve been bad. But do you know how hard it is for two insomniacs, my boyfriend Danny and I, to wake up at 9 AM on a Saturday after a long week of exhaustion? It’s a bad excuse, I know, but we literally see Shabbat as our day of rest or: Our day to not get out of bed.

Danny doesn’t daven during the week, and all we do spiritually is go to class (which is barely spiritual and more factual). At one point, I was going to Shabbat every week, reading the Torah everyday, and studying my Hebrew. I was also not even trying to be kosher, which is something I’ve been very successful at lately. I guess there was a little bit of a trade off for me: being kosher makes me feel good, and so does prayer.

When I go weeks without shul, I have to admit, I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I feel guilty. But above all, the thing that matters the most is that I always forget how emotionally gratifying it is to pray, to go to shul, and to interact with those in my Jewish community. I go to the Chabad sometimes and afterwards think, “Wow! Why don’t I come here more often?” Then I don’t go back for another month or two.

Is it that I have low self esteem and don’t want to be proactive and partake in activities that will make me happy? Am I too busy? Or am I just lazy? It’s probably a combination of the first and third reasons.

Sometimes it just seems so intense, all the praying at once. Many times, the prayers just don’t click for me. It’s hard to relate to prayers that are focused on growing crops in Israel or on ancient themes. In Judaism it just seems like there are endless themes and prayers and songs and analysis of all three. It’s overwhelming.

Another phase I’m going through, which my Rabbi said was totally normal, is paranoia. Every time something bad happens to me, I think back to what I could have done that would’ve caused it. How do I tempt the evil eye so that I was cursed? The other day, I woke up, and my car was gone from my parking spot. It had been towed. The day before that, I had told my friend, who had been towed numerous times, that I always got good parking spots and had never been towed. When I told Danny, he told me, “You should have said “Bli Ayin Hara!”

How many things can I say Bli Ayin Hara to? It could be endless. Thinking I’ve been punished by Hashem or the evil eye is just my way of making sense of things that just don’t make sense. Life is a mix of chaos and fate in my mind. I don’t know what Hashem has planned for me. I also don’t think that the punishment theory holds up. I feel like Christians have it much easier- you do bad, you repent, and you’re saved! If not, you go to hell! Without much emphasis in Judaism on the afterlife, we can’t always point to that theory either.

Becoming Jewish is wonderful, but it’s also frustrating. I think it’s alright to be angry with the religion or depressed over it. Right now I’m going through a lot of these emotions, but it is just part of the process.

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Recently, I traveled around the United Kingdom with my boyfriend, who was doing comedy there for two months. We went to places like London, Belfast, Cambridge, Glasgow, and the ever-popular Fishguard, Wales. Yes, Fishguard, the number one popular destination for tourists to visit. Whenever we told people we were going there they’d say, “Fishguard, eh mate? Isn’t that where you go to catch the boat to Ireland?”

All of these places reminded me of the one fact that makes it so difficult for Jews: We are greatly outnumbered (can I say “we” yet? Is that acceptable if I’m just Jewish by belief right now? Correct me if that’s offensive). In Belfast, there was a huge lighted sign on their city hall that said “Happy Christmas!” In Cambridge, people live on Jesus Lane. Churches are everywhere. There is no kosher food. Since I live in Brooklyn, I am much less exposed to reminders of Christianity here. But over there, it was hugely apparent.

I gave up non-kosher meat after Yom Kippur, and didn’t slip up once, until I got chicken four times in the UK. Since I got back two weeks ago, I’ve been on track again. But eating fish all day every day or vegetables isn’t my idea of fun. I also sort of kind of lie to people, telling them I’m vegetarian or pescetarian when in fact, I eat meat. It just evolves into a long, detailed conversation about being kosher and Judaism that I don’t want to get into… especially on vacation.

These days, my favorite activity is going to nearby Orthodox neighborhood and going food shopping. It’s paradise for me. Everywhere else, especially restaurants, just make me feel out of place in a way and so limited. After getting back from the UK, where I only saw about 10 visibly Jewish people, it was such a wonderful change to get back to one of the most Jewish places on Earth.

Another thing I’ve been struggling with in this journey is the fact that I don’t live in a very Jewish neighborhood currently. I love my neighborhood, but it is mainly WASPy, Italian, and Hispanic. On Saturdays, everyone is out and eating brunch and shopping. On Friday nights, the bars are packed. I only have one Jewish friend over here aside from my boyfriend, and she doesn’t observe Shabbat. It’s lonely when no one else around you is going through what you are, or observing the same thing. I’m already an outsider, and adapting to my Orthodox life will definitely contribute to that.

Finding a balance between staying in mainstream culture and being immersed in Orthodox Judaism is going to be one of my biggest challenges. Giving up bacon, shellfish, and non-kosher meat wasn’t as hard as I thought it’d be. I just took gradual steps, which is how I’m learning to deal with such big changes. Converting to Judaism is like trying to lose weight: First you give up soda, then desserts, then carbs, and the rest follows. First I celebrated the holidays, attended Chabad Friday night dinners, started attending shul regularly, and went kosher. Eventually, you’ll shed a few pounds or gain a new religion. But don’t try to do both simultaneously, because Judaism is full of really good food.

The post Becoming Jewish: England, Baby Steps, And Being An Outsider appeared first on Jewcy.

For 18 years of her life, Lacey Schwartz didn’t know her true identity.  She had been led by her family to believe that her parents were both white Jews, but her dark skin color told a different story. Then, when she became an adult, it was revealed that her mother had a secret affair with an African American man. This is when Schwartz began a journey involving a self-identity crisis as she coped with this life-altering news. Now, she’s showing the world her story in her self-made film, Outside the Box.

Schwartz, who is the managing director of Truth Aid and director of outreach for Be’chol Lashon, said she hopes her film, which is still in-progress, will get people talking and thinking about family, community, and identity issues, since she struggled with them herself. “For me it took a long time to integrate my two identities of being black and Jewish. Initially I compartmentalized both identities and looked at being black as disconnected from being Jewish. I really had to push myself to acknowledge that was ridiculous and that I had to be able to accept myself as both things and that there is no real distance between the two. I had been raised in a world where being Jewish meant being white. I challenged myself and that assumption by connecting to the many racial and ethnic diverse elements of the global Jewish world.”

For her thought provoking film, Schwartz has so far raised over $280,000, but needs $75,000 to take it through the festival circuit. Truth Aid, which she runs with her partner Mehret Mandefro, as well as Be’chol Lashon are collaborating to produce it. Diane Tobin, the Executive Director of Be’chol Lashon, said, “For those of us with complicated Jewish stories, [Outside the Box] will be tremendously comforting and vindicating. And for others, it will be unsettling, and further proof that the Jewish community is going to hell in a hand basket. But whether you love it or hate it, I think it will stimulate game-changing dialogue.”

Schwartz and Tobin are working hand in hand creating an educational outreach campaign for the film. Tobin wants to screen it in classrooms, museums, and community centers “in order to kick start a much needed discussion about how Jewish identity is transforming in the 21st century.”

Finding a concrete statistic on how many Jews of color there are is difficult, but the New York Times estimates that no more than 10 percent of America’s Jewish population are Jews of color .  It is no wonder that Schwartz felt different in her community, where her kind is rare. When asked if she was ever discriminated against, she said, “I don’t know if I would use the word discriminated… Judged maybe… Definitely questioned. For better or worse I tend to avoid situations where people would have an opportunity to discriminate against me.”

Despite the unfortunate presence of ignorance and hate, globalization has positively contributed to the wider acceptance of more diverse Jews, according to Tobin. “Jews are part of American life and are affected by social trends. Taboos around interracial and LGBT unions are diminishing, transracial adoption is increasing, and people see being Jewish as one of many choices. America is becoming less white with a majority of Americans approving of interracial marriage. Given that 50 percent of Jews intermarry, Jewish diversity is increasing.”

Tobin believes that Schwartz’s story will be particularly captivating to younger people trying to find their personal identity. “Whereas Lacey’s life story maybe be unique, her honest no-holds-barred approach to resolving questions and pushing boundaries is universally compelling, which I think will particularly resonate with younger generations who are searching and whose Jewish identity is one choice among the many identities they may navigate.”

Mandefro believes that Schwartz’s film will be inspiring, and give people the gumption to stay true to themselves despite what others may think. “[Outside the Box] is a very courageous film that demonstrates that resilience begins with vulnerability,” she said. “Lacey bears all in this film in ways that make you want to dare to do the same.”

Schwartz agrees with Mandefro, and hopes that “Outside the Box” will contribute to a better world. “On a personal level, I want [people] to come out of [the film] not just thinking about my story and my family, but about themselves – who they are and what they need to do to come out of their own box. I think if people continue to push themselves to live more authentic lives it will increase our collective well-being.”

To donate to Outside the Box, please visit TruthAid.org.

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The show is featuring: Danny Lobell (Comical Radio), Nick Vatterott (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon), Myq Kaplan (Last Comic Standing), Chris Iacono (Comical Radio), Jamie Lee (Last Comic Standing), and Adam Newman (Montreal Comedy Festival). Tickets are available at the door.

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It’s been an intense two weeks. But I am sad that the holidays are almost coming to an end.

This was my first Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot. Once we’re back at Hanukkah, I will have celebrated (or observed) all the holidays. While it feels weird to almost be back there again, and I cannot wait for those delicious donuts.

Throughout this whole year of holidays, I’ve experienced so many traditions that are exciting and strange and fun and uplifting. Although it’s not even over yet, I can safely say that Sukkot is my favorite. I guess the best was saved for last.

Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur were built up to me so much by other people and my classes that I think it led to disappointment. These are supposed to be the holiest days, the high holidays, and I just couldn’t get into that mindset. As I said in my last column, I was happy and smiling while confessing my sins to G-D during Rosh Hashanah. My boyfriend Danny was upset with me because while he was being serious and trying to have a dialogue with G-D, I was giggling at the little boy; dressed in a Superman costume, running away from the seagulls on the beach.

During Yom Kippur, it wasn’t very different. I fasted, but that didn’t take me to a more spiritual place. At points, I just focused on the hunger, and at other times on the headache. Mostly, I thought about nothing at all. The services (not at my usual shul) were entirely in Hebrew, and I didn’t understand why we kept saying the same prayers over and over. If I said a certain prayer two times instead of three was that not good enough? Would the pearly white gates close on me? For a religion that doesn’t emphasize the afterlife, the whole heaven part of the holiday was a bit uncomfortable to me. Not to mention, everyone around me seemed to be much more into it than I was. I saw people crying and praying. I don’t know if I could ever imagine prayer being that intense for me.

The best part of the prayer services, for me, is always the Amida. Silent prayer. Confessing my sins and repenting along with a big group of people in a Shul did not feel comfortable for me. I want confession to be a silent thing. I even think it’s odd that people confess to priests. Maybe next year I’ll understand Yom Kippur more, but from my first experience, it definitely wasn’t what I expected and hoped it would be.

Sukkot is a totally different story though. Danny and I helped build my Shul’s sukkah, and I ate many of my meals and prayed in it this past week. I love the idea behind it- that the Sukkah represents how life is temporary. It reminds me of the fact to live in the now, and to not waste time on things that I don’t love doing. Fall (especially in New York) is the best, which also adds to how magical this holiday is. Spending so much time in my Shul and with the community there just made me even happier that I found it. I really feel like I belong there, especially since a fair number of the congregants are converting.

I look forward to the two holidays next week. But I’m pretty certain that my jelly donut craving won’t go away for the next two months.

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First off, I want to thank everyone for their support and kind words after my last column. I always appreciate emails and comments and insight into Judaism. Keep ‘em comin’!

This was my first Rosh Hashanah. I started experiencing the Jewish holidays last Chanukah, so I’ve almost made the full round! I am so excited that it was about one year ago that I initially thought about converting, and today I can read some of the prayers in Hebrew, albeit very slowly.

For this holiday, I went where I always go, Long Island, with my boyfriend Danny to his family’s home. Rosh Hashana is definitely at the top of my list of favorite holidays. I like the feeling of starting anew, and striving to be better in this year to come. For once, I actually enjoyed New Year’s (fun fact: New Year’s has always been my least favorite holiday. Sorry, Dick Clark. Kathy Griffin…not sorry.). The central foods in this holiday are healthy and tasty, and I loved learning about the significance of all of them in the Jewish world. I took the time to make sure I was relaxing, so I had no work on my mind. That definitely helps.

The time in Shul passed by quickly. I couldn’t believe I was in there two or three hours each day. Unlike in the past, I could follow along by reading the English slowly and really taking in the prayers. I didn’t feel rushed and I went at my own pace. There were acquaintances around me who also didn’t know Hebrew, so I didn’t feel alone. There were people reading different prayers altogether. I don’t know if it was the fact that I stopped caring so much about looking like I knew what was going on or that the Shul was so full of life, but prayer really clicked for me that day. I felt that warm glow I felt at Purim in that same Shul. This is what I was talking about in my last column!

The two best moments of the holiday were at the beach on Long Island and in Shul. At the evening prayer on Thursday, I was only one of three women in the stands. I sat alone, reading along and listening to the Hebrew chants in the background. I found it very helpful to sit there and silently pray in my head. I wasn’t stressed like I normally am or distracted. I think that’s one problem I have at Shul. There is so much going on all the time that I can’t focus and just give up. Rosh Hashana taught me how to get past that and just worry about myself.

The beach was where we performed Tashlich. It had just rained, and about 50 people from the Synagogue had gathered on the boardwalk and in the sand. The kids chased seagulls and the adults prayed. The sun was bright red and my feet were touching the wet sand. It wasn’t a serious moment at all for me, though. I was happy and joyous and giggling. I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel guilty about not feeling so serious, but I couldn’t control it! Everything just seemed so perfect so all I could do was smile. I never got a piece of bread though! I didn’t get to metaphorically cast my sins away, which I was looking forward to doing. I did silently pray though, and list all my self-improvement goals in my head for the New Year.

I’m looking forward to Yom Kippur, even though I’m horrible at fasting. I was incredibly moved by Rosh Hashanah. It’s a beautiful and exciting holiday and I had a great first experience. My faith in the conversion is definitely back in full swing. I can only hope that it keeps getting better from here on out.

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