1. Jackie Mason

Who?

The ever-kvetching 1950s stand-up comedian straight out of Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Why?

Easy battle. Statistically speaking, an able-bodied young man such as myself should be able to take the seventy-two year old no problem. He’ll wail "enough already" in minutes.

How?

My method here is confusion and disorientation. When Jackie asks a redundant question (i.e. "What, you call this a piece of fish?") I will answer the question as if he really meant to ask it (i.e. "Why yes, this is a piece of fish, Jackie"). The ensuing frustration and over-eager witty retorts will exhaust him to the point of surrender and/or incapacitation.

2. Gene Simmons

Who?

Front man of hard rock band Kiss; also known as "The Demon."

Why?

My guess is that God is already miffed with Gene. The blood-spitting, the fire-breathing, the pancake make-up? I’ve clearly got the upper hand as fan "capital F" favorite.

How?

I’m banking on Gene’s alleged thousand-plus beddings to have preemptively tuckered the poor guy out. Five hundred groupies ago maybe he’d stand a chance, but no circumcised seed of Abraham can stay so robust. I will take advantage of his lethargy and kick him in the nuts.

3. Rahm Emanuel

Who?

President Obama’s hot-headed, half-Israeli Chief of Staff.

Why?

Generally I steer clear of Israelis – they are scary strong! – but I make an exception when the rewards are great. Here I’d finally win the respect of Rahm’s brother, powerhouse entertainment agent Ari Emanuel, thereby securing Brad Pitt star status, finally.

How?

Since it would be treason to throw Rahm off with a bogus threat on the White House, I am forced to play this fair and square. My weapon: my quick intellect. He throws a quick right hook-I duck. He chucks a ninja star-I duck. He whips out a sword-I duck, crawl under his legs, bite his ankle, pull him to the ground, and sit on his face. Hava THIS negila, Rahm.

4. Moses

Who?

So-called Biblical hero; had a lisp.

Why?

He’s already dead, it’s not a fair fight, blah blah blah. His loss is my gain, and if the tables were turned we both know you wouldn’t object to his rubbing my fossilized face in Egyptian dirt.

How?

Swimming competition. Think about it.

5. Michael Ian Black

Who?

VH1 pop culture show mainstay; my writing partner on Comedy Central’s upcoming Michael and Michael Have Issues.

Why?

Working intimately with Michael over the years reaps many benefits: a valued friendship, a fruitful professional relationship, and the ability to mind-meld. I am physically able to get inside his head, predict his next move, and do it first. But Michael, you may ask, couldn’t the other Michael mind-meld, too? It’s true, he could – but he’s far too preoccupied with Twitter to remember his meals let alone undermine my efforts to crush him.

How?

Watch Michael and Michael Have Issues to find out. I mean, I can tell you I definitely win, but I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise of just how badly I whoop Michael Black’s ass. [Spoiler: it’s pretty bad.] 

You can also pick up my debut comedy album Sandwiches & Cats at the JDub Records store or on iTunes.

The post Michael Showalter’s “Jews I Could Totally Take in a Fight” Hit List 2009 appeared first on Jewcy.

And what does it mean to "Love America"? Or more to the point what are "Un-American views"? Is it un-American to be self-critical? If so, then we should still have slavery and women shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Or by that logic then I guess it’s un-American to oppose Roe v. Wade? It’s in the Constitution after all. Still, the implications that Barack Obama holds un-American views persist. What’s the idea there? That he’s going to become president so that he can bomb… himself?

If you’ve been watching her interviews you’ll notice that Sarah Palin’s favorite word is "Ahmadinejad". She just loves saying that word. And I mean let’s face it: it is a very hard word to pronounce. It reminds me of a story about James Ellroy’s LA Confidential. It involves the word "valediction". The gist of the story is that using big words like "valediction" (or "Ahmadinejad") can sometimes con an audience into thinking things make sense when in fact they don’t. "Boy, that’s a long word, she must know what she’s talking about."

With the latest revelation that Sarah Palin has spent more than four times what Joe the Plumber makes in a year, $175,000 to be exact, on her wardrobe so far, I couldn’t help but thinking of another book: The Bonfire Of The Vanities. I also thought of the movie, or to be more exact, the making of the movie. The making of the movie version of Bonfire of the Vanities as detailed in the book The Devil’s Candy by Julie Salamon is the story of a pretty good idea that became a really, really bad idea really fast. I think that the publisher’s comments sum it up well: "When Brian De Palma agreed to allow Julie Salamon unlimited access to the film production of Tom Wolfe’s best-selling The Bonfire of the Vanities, both director and journalist must have felt like they were on to something big. How could it lose? But instead Salamon got a front-row seat at the Hollywood disaster of the decade…This riveting insider’s portrait provides a timeless account of an industry where art, talent, ego, and money combine and clash on a monumental scale."

If only John McCain’s presidential bid were just a movie. Then again who thought really thought that the movie about the chihuahua would do so well?

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