1.) Tennessee Volunteers Legendary goofball Bruce Pearl — he's famous for wrestling students in a blow-up sumo outfit and showing up for a women's game shirtless and painted in orange — has turned around the Tennessee men's program. A New England Jew, Pearl was shunned in the late 1980's for tape-recording a recruit telling how another school offered him $80,000 and a new Blazer, and then turning it into the NCAAs. He had to beat the Division II bushes, but took the Southern Indiana Screamin' Eagles to the title before leading the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers to the Sweet Sixteen.

The Volunteers were ranked #1 earlier this summer after a team-bonding trip to a concentration camp, an experience that got Pearl all teary-eyed talking about his distant relatives in the Holocaust on HBO's Real Sports. Pearl is often criticized for his wild antics and bright orange blazer, but give him credit for two things: Dick Vitale trashed him and he managed to humanize Pat Summit for God's sake. I am putting my sheckels where my mouth is and picking UT to win it all in one bracket.

2.) UCLA Bruins Although the real "Jewish Jordan," Jordan Farmar, is now with the Lakers, the Bruins still have coach Scott Garson. According to JewishJournal.com, Garson's "family loved two things: Judaism and basketball. His mother, Corinne, was president of the Woodland Hills Reform congregation Kol Tikvah, while his father, Lee, is a UCLA alum who coaches youth basketball." The Bruins are one of the favorites this year, thanks to Garson's handling of their stupendous backcourt of Darren Collison, Josh Shipp and Russell Westbrook. For people like me who are always looking for a Catholic angle, know that Garson learned his X's and O's under the ample belly of the great Rick Majerus. And hey ladies, he's single.

3.) Memphis Tigers What is about the Volunteer State and the Chosen coaches? According to the Memphis Commerical Appeal, coach John Calipari, "a Catholic of Italian heritage, was recently at the Anshei Sphard-Beth El Emeth Congregation speaking to an audience of Orthodox Jews about community and charity and his new favorite theme of bouncing back from personal and career misfortune." Sure, some believe Calipari has a reputation of running a clean fast-break and a dirty program, but if the dude spreads the Tiger love with the Torah, it must mean something. Never forget: It's hard out here for a pimp. Bonus points for Calipari's stumping for Tennessee's 9th District Jewish Congressman, Democrat Steve Cohen.

4.) Duke Yes, Coach K is undeniably hard to root for, but the #1 name in college hoops (which hasn't won a game in a couple of years, by the by) has a 6'5" Jewish 6th-man former Illinois "Mr. Basketball" known for really strange facial contortions, which means you should definitely– Oh, who am I kidding? Don't root for Duke; it's like cheering for Bill Kristol.

5.) Special Underdog Pick: American University First of all, what's more egalitarian and patriotic than American University? After Barack's speech, I think it's clear we're all in this NCAA tournmanet bracket together. Plus, American is the alma mater of the dude who runs the website BlackJew.net (which is exactly what it sounds like.) As Mr. BlackJew himself said:

"when we finally reached this impossible goal of going to the NCAA Tournament it was a dream come true. Win or lose we still made it! AU IS GOING TO THE BIG DANCE. ONCE AN EAGLE ALWAYS AN EAGLE."

Unfortunately, American is playing Tennessee in the first round, but my fellow hoop friends, that is what "One Shining Moment" is all about.

Go Marquette! Nobody call me for three weeks.

The post The Jewcy Guide to the NCAA appeared first on Jewcy.

• It would be facile (not to mention condescending) for me to comment on how soul-deadening it is to see Auschwitz firsthand, but I did want to share a couple of tidbits from our excellent, somber, forthright tour guide. After explaining that these weren’t my views, but that rather I had “written about Holocaust deniers” (scholarly, no…but still technically accurate), I asked if they’d ever encountered any on the tour. She said no, but added that there had been a couple of teenagers with a Scandinavian school group who espoused Nazi ideals. They were immediately sent home because it is illegal in Poland to express those views. Apparently, a professor was even fired from his job for translating a David Irving book, even after making it clear these weren’t his beliefs in the introduction. Considering the horrific immediacy of the surroundings, the free speech question never entered my mind, but I did find one thing the tour guide told me interesting. She said, “We aren’t bothered by the Holocaust deniers. We are scared by those who sympathize with the Nazis, especially amongst the young, because it is easy to influence their minds.” I guess it makes some sense, but it was striking to hear that Holocaust deniers are no big deal while walking alongside the Birkenau train tracks.

• I was stunned to learn that, thanks in large part to the efforts of those who been imprisoned there, the camps were opened to the public a mere two years after the liberation. Two years. So, let’s recap: In a poor, desolate country, physically destroyed by World War II, people who were left with nothing after surviving the Nazi nightmare got Auschwitz up and running by 1947 to bear witness to the atrocities they had just experienced. I think you know where I’m going with this…I realize it’s not apples-to-apples, but it sure makes the seven years of Ground Zero squabbles seem awfully small.

• Casting no aspersions on fellow tourists, but it is very strange to watch people take photos of themselves in front of the crematorium.

• They sell hot dogs at the Auschwitz snack bar. I’ll let that sink in for a moment… In fact, the only food available for lunch that can quickly be wolfed down before the bus to Birkenau is the hot dog. I can’t say with 100% certainty, but both my wife and I thought it was a traditional frankfurter. And we do enjoy our frankfurters. By the way, the hot dog? Delicious. It was served on this crunchy-on-the-outside-chewy-on-the-inside roll, it came with a homemade relish of big chunks of pickled onions and cabbage, and was topped off with killer tangy ketchup. From the center of Krakow, the Auschwitz tour is an all-day deal, so the sale of nourishing non-kosher concentration camp hot dogs sure seemed like one final twist of the knife.

• Krakow’s old Jewish quarter, Kazimierz has been reborn since the fall of the Commies. It’s bustling with coffee shops, restaurants, hipster hotels, bookstores, boutiques, etc., and we were told that a lot of the entrepreneurs are the grandchildren of those who were persecuted by the Nazis. That seemed reassuring. However, we stopped into an art gallery with an exhibit–a modern art black-and-white-photos-covered-in-spray-paint collage kind of thing. The picture in the window had two topless women, and the head of a bald man had been pasted over one of the ample-bosomed bodies. The proprietor told us it was a nationalistic Polish priest with a popular radio program (probably Father Tadeusz Rydzyk) who shovels “anti-Semitic propaganda.” This was not reassuring.

• Word on the Euro street is that Krakow is the hotspot for stag parties and that the town has a thriving sex trade. I didn’t notice an excess of strip bars or sex shops, but then again, we spent most of our time in the Medieval castles-and-churches section. After all, it’s an anniversary trip, and I’m old. What I can attest to, is that Krakow has an incredibly high number of beautiful, beautiful, beautiful women, including our maid at the Ostoya Palace hotel. Fellas, the dollar still owns the zloty, so you may want to take that into consideration before booking Vegas this summer.

• If you are the kind of person who can power through a full day of sightseeing, I recommend taking the Wieliczka Salt Mines tour as rejuvenation after getting your spirit crushed at Auschwitz. Basically, you walk down a labyrinth of wooden stairs (reaching some 440 feet) into a massive mine filled with statues made of salt, walls made of salt (I licked them for proof) and an enormous chapel with a giant chandelier that hosts weddings, concerts and Sunday mass. There’s even a salt lake where a bunch of drunken Austrians capsized a boat and suffocated to death a century ago. There’s also a health center on the grounds for the traditional salt bath. Salt isn’t like coal or copper: It's good for the system, and great for the lungs. Plus, it’s always a balmy 55-60 degrees in the mine, so the dudes that toiled down there were healthier than the general populace. The Nazis took Wieliczka over and used it as a munitions factory (I think that’s what our guide said) and it was the only time slave labor was ever used in the mine. During World War II, people from the nearby Plaszow camp were brought over to work in the mines. Consider this if you will: you’re a Jewish factory worker reassigned to Wieliczka in say 1940. You bust your hump in the mines for the next few years, which ironically helps with the old lifespan. And for argument’s sake, let’s assume you’re down in the middle of the Earth without much access to the goings on at the extermination camps a few miles away. I’m not saying they’re lucky; they were slaves to the Nazis, after all. However, the mine job with the clean air and the comfortable temperature had to lead to one hell of a whopping guilt complex in the Krakow daylight.

• I lied. Salt mines won’t do the trick. Might I suggest the “Wodka Sampler” at the U.S. car-themed bar, Oldsmobil. I don’t know what happened to the “e,” but the six shots are smooth and clean. And the owner does a great impression of an American that didn’t sound like any American I’ve ever met. Much needed jocularity, though. Na zdrowie!

• One last note for my fellow American travelers. We aren’t as popular these days, as I was reminded late one night in the land of my ancestors. A sousy Irish bride told me she had never been to “the States” and didn’t care if she ever did. Then she snarled, “Thanks for George W. Bush.” And this was the day after she got married. And this was after a friendly half-hour chat with her husband about New York City architecture and the Philadelphia Eagles. And the Irish are suppose love us. (Note to the County Cork gent who inquired: No, Bill Clinton is not generally regarded as one of the five greatest Presidents of all time.)

So, to the kid from the Oregon private school on the World War II trip–the one in the Jewish bookstore in Kazimierz who insisted on hectoring the young sales girl with variations of, “When the Nazis came, why didn’t they just pretend they weren’t Jews?” You know who you are. The clerk patiently responded about the importance of religion, the poor uneducated populace, the powerlessness… She was being sincere. You were being a dick. That ain’t helping our cause. From one former punk teen to another, you’re better than that. And she was hot. You sniveling little fuck. From Cracovia with love, Patrick J. Sauer

Related: The Connoisseur's Guide to Internet Anti-Semitism

The post From Krakow, With Love appeared first on Jewcy.

* * *

Unfortunately, there is one ugly dénouement to the story. In its infinite sappy wisdom, Hollywood decided to turn the inspirational story of community activism into a schlocky movie-of-the-week. For starters, they decided to call it Not in This Town, perhaps because they didn’t want to pay royalties to the “Not in Our Town” movement that sprung up to help communities respond to acts of hate. Or, maybe they didn’t do their homework. Either way, it’s more or less what you’d expect on the Lifetime network. Adam Arkin plays the big city Jewish doctor who moves to Billings to get away from the urban ugliness and be left alone to fly-fish in peace. Kathy Baker plays his shiksa wife who can’t believe this is happening in Utopian Billings. She won’t be denied and starts meeting the uplifting minorities culled right out of Hollywood P.C. casting 101. The simple black house of worship becomes a packed mega-church with a choir right out of Forrest Gump, the native Americans no longer live on the poverty-stricken Crow reservation and invite her to commune with the spirit world or some such, and of course, the coup de grace that brings Arkin out of his shell, is when she finds a Holocaust survivor who tells of what happens when communities look the other way. All nice in theory, but in practice, it was a simplistic Oprah-friendly treatment that doesn’t do much to honor the incredible events in the first place. And I am pretty sure they filmed it in California, because Lord knows, Billings didn’t need any of that residual Hollywood income. The only thing that kept it from making viewers throw a brick through the television is the unintentional comedy of the actor chosen to play the leader of the white supremacist group. You guessed it, Ed Begley, Jr. Watching a man who powers his house with his own waste gather people around a campsite (they sit on hay bales, natch) and seriously discuss “elements” destroying Billings provided enough comic relief that Not In This Town is actually worth a watch. If the average Nazi skinhead were as frightening as Begley in his L.L. Bean getup…well, there wouldn’t have been much need for the newspaper menorahs in the first place. * * *

My hope for you this season is that someday everyone gets to experience a powerful moment of community activism at some point in his or her life. I guarantee it will move your spirit. Oh, and if Hollywood comes calling, you simply say: not in our town. Happy holidays. p.s. Here is the website of the Not in Our Town organization.

The post Montanans Unite Against Anti-Semitism appeared first on Jewcy.

Rent until you die The three biggest lies you’ll hear this week: “the surge is working,” “just the tip, just for a second,” and “renting is throwing away your money.” Somewhere along the line, buying a house became the most important purchase you’ll ever make and damn those of you who are too busy enjoying their limited cash to see the forest for the manicured lawn. But is home still where your heart is when it turns out to be the "worst investment ever”? Sure, the housing market is slumping, but that doesn’t mean renting is a waste. This New York Times calculator allows you to plug in your current rent, the cost of your dream home, down payment, mortgage, and taxes, and work out for yourself whether renting is better than buying,

Quit driving like a jackass to save a couple hundred bucks According to the Department of Energy, your gas mileage can drop as much as 33% from aggressive highway driving. Stick to the speed limit and that’s a few hundred ducats a year. This list of ten ways to prevent road rage will save you money and possibly keep you from misguided attempts to show that jerkoff in the Hummer a lesson. (If you’re feeling extra generous, take a page from the Yom Kippur book and keep a “sorry” sign in your car at all times to help everyone else save, too.)

Chock Full o’Nuts your way to the Caribbean Come back from the strip club with nothing but a pocket full of crumpled ones? Your significant other probably appreciates your honesty about where you were, but what she’d prefer is a romantic battery-charging getaway to make everything better. The solution? An empty coffee can. Stuffing the money left over from the night before into a grown-up piggy bank ensures it won’t be spent on a hangover breakfast or an ironic tee shirt. Mock the geriatric simplicity if you want, but my wife and I did this in the year-and-change before our wedding and socked away over $1,000 for the Grecian honeymoon. Granted, it takes more than singles, and you need the discipline to leave it be, but you’d be surprised how those random bills add up. I recommend going with a Chock full o’Nuts can for that robust coffee scent.

Make money just by being patriotic You may feel like less of American for not joining the Armed Forces, but collecting all of the commemorative quarters of these here United States will at least make you feel like you’re supporting the troops somehow. 2008 wraps up with Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska and Hawaii, the last five states admitted to the Union and to our lovely custom coin folder. (Not to be a homer, but my native Montana’s the quarter to beat.) As any seasoned numismatic will tell you, once coins are out of circulation, they become more valuable, so get in before the price of these rises to .38 or so. As an investor, you’ll want to keep your completed quarter set in a safety deposit box to pass down to your great-grandchildren, or until you decide to take $12.50 on a nostalgic trip to the arcade.

The post Like a Virgin: Money appeared first on Jewcy.

You would think with 65,000 new videos a day, trying to find popular YouTube videos aimed directly at Jewcy’s sweet spot wouldn’t be an arduous task, but the vast majority is about as original, thought-provoking and funny as a 2 Live Jews tribute band. They all tend to involve the same tired formats (parodies of movies, ads, hip-hop, and TV shows) with the same tired material: Rabbis, Hebrew slang, circumcisions, the Holocaust, bagels, guilt-inducing mothers, Hank Greenberg, Juice Newton. Researching what’s out and about in the YouTube world helps prove a hypothesis I’ve long held: Ethnic humor, by and large, sucks.

Or, to put it kindly, ethnic humor is utterly predictable. It’s not that a well-timed ethnic gag can’t be funny but 99% of the time, the joke is so obvious that you can spit out the punchline before the bit even begins. If the gangsta stylings of the rapper 50 Shekel sounds like something that will make you laugh, then it will.

Jews aren’t the only ones out there who love the easy stuff. If you look up my people, the Irish, you’ll find the usual lame-o staples: Whiskey, Guinness, fighting, bagpipes, hugging, crying, Notre Dame, Michael Flatley, kilts, the Kennedys, shamrocks, Angela’s Ashes, the Lucky Charms leprechaun and every pub on Third Avenue. Given the fact that YouTube is taking down copyrighted material, it should be a glorious time for amateur filmmakers. Unfortunately, amateurs recognize what the professionals have known all along. People love spreading re-affirming comedy.

So what makes a Jewish video “viral”? It’s as subjective as any slice of pop culture, but there is one golden rule: The minute it’s over, you should immediately want to watch it again and send it to everyone you know. A great viral video should be a pleasantly unforeseen break in the day, a welcome addition to the Inbox and not the you-know-what’s-coming Saturday Night Live trailer for Apocalypto. To that end, shorter is better. And although it seems that viral videos aren’t meant to have a long shelf life, they live on forever, so a timeless quality certainly helps.

I have selected five popular Jewish-themed viral videos and evaluated them on Jewishness, re-watchability and viral impact (basically, whether you would be proud to forward it). Some are predictable and funny, some predictable and lame, but none of them match up to this hard-hitting news report, which, for my 50 shekels, is the funniest of all.

1) Wassup – Jewish

The epitome of ethnic humor gone wrong can be summed up with the tagline: Whitefish: Oy! Ostensibly, this is a parody of the Budweiser “True” ad campaign that debuted during the 2000 Super Bowl, back when we were all getting over our Y2K fears. I don’t know when it was created, but it was still DOA at the start of the millennium. It’s as broad as Ariel Sharon’s ass and I was bored halfway through the first time, even though it only runs 1:11. A general rule of comedic thumb: you shouldn’t know exactly what is going to happen based on the title, especially six years after the fact. Also, the main character in the piece sounds like Jackie Mason, which is a deterrent to belly laughs like a Joan Rivers sex tape is to erections. The production quality is professional, but that suggests an origin in a brainstorming session for marketing geeks. Yet somehow it’s managed to average 4.5 stars on YouTube —apparently the elderly are becoming a lot more tech savvy.

2)Who Let the Jews Out?

Ahead of the viral video curve, Sam Apple and Dan Meth devised this video to serve two purposes: Cornering the woefully underserved market of on-line animated Passover greeting cards while promoting Apple's book, Schlepping Through the Alps. The strategy worked like a 14K gold Mogen David pendant, garnering upwards of three million site hits and moving the book from an Amazon rank in the six-figure range to one in the top 1,000.

I dreaded yet another version of the 2000 hit Who Let the Dogs Out? by the Baha Men (so named because the lead vocal dude recently served me a chicken taquito at Baja Fresh), but it turns out that watching cartoon Chosen People bouncing convertibles (one with a “Promised Land or Bust” bumper sticker) through a parted Red Sea while guzzling Manischewitz is quirky fun.

3) Yiddish with Dick and Jane

This is yet another promotion for a book: A spot-on recreation of the repetitive children’s Dick and Jane primers that ruled grade schools from the 1930s to the 1970s. It’s a simple idea done with panache, unlike so many viral videos that try (and fail) to create a graphics-laden, special-effects-driven masterpiece. It’s educational too: I learned the definitions for less familiar terms like shpilkes, mispocha, ibbledick and alter kocker from a dude with a frightening moustache. Sure, it’s a naked sales pitch, but it made me think of buying a copy of Yiddish Fun with Dick and Jane for my half-Jewish nephew and niece, Ben and Sophie.

4) Matzah

You would think the novelty of a Jewish rapper would have been played out by Paul’s Boutique, but Smooth-E is staking out new territory as the definitive “Weird” Al Yankovic meets M.C. Serch of Judaism. JibJab has animated his ode to everyone’s favorite yeastless bread with its familiar bobbleheads and the yuks come so fast and furious that it demands a third viewing. Watch carefully to catch references to Justin Timberlake, Jay-Z, Cribs, The Brady Bunch, a “Wailing” Wal-Mart and Charlton Heston (which, coincidentally, rhymes with indigestion.)

5) Make Love, Not Terror

I am the Noam Chomsky of the “9/11 never would’ve happened if young Arab men got some ass” theory of global affairs, and this honest-to-goodness tourism promo goes a long way towards elucidating my argument. It’s as focused as a guided missile—no extraneous chatter, just an arousing rendition of “Sex Bomb.”

Absence makes the heart grow harder, so clearly the answer to the Middle East conundrum is for more hotties and jihadi to make love as sweet as Al-Nur honey. I enjoyed this video the most because it shows suicide bombers as human beings with human penises, and has numerous close-ups of a four-star caboose. (The only major drawback is that in close-up, the betty resembles a transsexual Tyra Banks.) Plus, it gets points for at least attempting to derive humor from terrorism, which takes a lot more stones than gags about whitefish.

Related: Upload your own videos to Jewcy!

The post What Makes a Great Jewish Viral Video? appeared first on Jewcy.

The Super Bowl has always been about excess, but you can blame ESPN for the proliferation of awfulness in all aspects of sports. The ESPN formula pollutes mainstream sports media like piss in a fish tank. It calls for overbearing ex-jocks, shticky announcers, and stats geeks, each of them a virtuoso in treacle, snark, condescension, and fake laughter. Hawaiian shirts and chest hair must be on-screen at all times. We’ve been forced to take ESPN's assault on our senses because there’s been no alternative. Until now.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, we are in a golden age of sports media. To truly enjoy the pre-and-post coverage of the Super Bowl—or anything else related to sports—turn off your TV and turn on your laptop. It’ll take you back to the days when wasting time on the couch watching other men sweat, and then listening to commentary about said sweaty men, was fun.

The sports blogosphere harkens back to the pre-"Boo-YAH" era—Boo-YAH being the signature cry of insufferable ESPN commentator Stuart “I’m blacker than you, dawg” Scott. Gone is the cult of personality
afflicting mainstream coverage. Sports bloggers deliver the unfiltered essence of sports fandom: love; tribal, infantile, often hilariously conveyed love, and an embrace of the daily ridiculousness of modern athletics. They liberate sports from the boorishness of young marketing turds and the incessant unfunniness of middle-aged hip-hop-wannabe color commentators.

The blogosphere recaptures what SportsCenter lost years ago, while also offering nudity, profanity, and camera-phone snapshots of liquored-up Super Bowl quarterbacks. Everything wrong with ESPN and all its mainstream clones is what’s right about the best of the sports blogs. Not only do they cover sex scandals, horse deaths and terrible coaching decisions with the right amount of skepticism, cynicism and your-team-sucksism, but they do so without actually believing their own ESPiN.

Here are five of the best blogs out there:

1) Kissing Suzy Kolber: Named for the coquettish sideline reporter extraordinaire. The site also
features all the award-winning NFL coverage you’ll ever need, especially if your needs include stories such as “KSK Celebrity Bowl Pick Bukkake: George W. Bush!” and “ESPN’s NFL Analysts Meet Strippers—We’re Not in Bristol Anymore.”

2) Deadspin: This is the Rose Bowl of sports blogs, the “granddaddy of them all,” from which all others flow in the incestuous circle of Interweb life. It’s a continually updated source of game analysis, web links, player arrests, incriminating photos, columnists like James Frey and the Assimilated Negro, and of course, Carl Monday, the Mike Wallace of keeping Ohio safe from masturbating Dewey Decimal types. The beauty of Deadspin is that it appeals to all levels of fandom: mouth-breathers, die-hards, face-painters and pseudo-George-Plimpton intellects alike. If you like sports and aren’t reading Deadspin then you don’t deserve to wear a Chargers throwback.

3) The 700 Level: Suzy Kolber grew up in Philadelphia and I like to imagine her at Eagles games in the upper-deck of the old Veterans Stadium wearing a Jaworski jersey, demolishing hoagies and raining insults and curse words down on Cowboys fans. This blog is like that, only better, because Philly rules. What other town’s greatest sports star also starred in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot?

4) Free Darko: As the NFL winds down, the NBA fires it up and this site captures it best. Named for everyone’s favorite 7-foot Serbian, it’s sharp, witty, and thought-provoking. The proof is in the book club pudding: “Black Planet settles on a system of false positives concerning players, true negatives about race in the NBA, baseline questions about American race relations, and a narcissistic prison of personal negatives.” Why don’t you go ahead and throw that down, Bill Walton.

5) Drunk Athlete: Self-explanatory, but a nice counter to all of the “Thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for enabling me to hit a walk-off home run and sign for six years at $72 million” nonsense that poisons the sports well.

So this Sunday let’s raise one to the emerging online commenteriat. An army of bacon-martini-guzzling bloggers are cutting down the ESPN colossus. There’s only one word that comes to mind.

Boo-YAH!

The post How to Enjoy the Super Bowl appeared first on Jewcy.

Can the best of these sites turn me into a Jew-hater? I’ve spent months of thorough research combing the Internet, separating the academic highbrows from the brown-shirted goons. One star goes to the unconvincing sites that made me think only “Oy! Can’t we lay off the chosen people for once!” Five stars go to any site that persuaded me that Jews are the spawn of Satan and had me salivating for the racial holy war (RAHOWA for us in the know).

If only for a fleeting moment, of course.

1. Prussian Blue

It’s Like: The Indigo Girls if they were Aryan twins who sang lyrics penned by Dr. William Pierce and didn’t perform cunnilingus.

Target Audience: The kids. Or, the parents who are hoping to get their progeny into “positive” pro-white music because they can’t stand all that infernal boot-stomping death metal.

Alexa Traffic Rank: 374,783

What You’ll Find: Folk music from the duo Prussian Blue. Lamb and Lynx are a pair of angelic blonde-haired, blue-eyed, home-schooled fourteen-year-old twins with not one but two albums to their credit: “The Path We Chose” and “Fragment of the Future” ($14.88 apiece). The site also features extensive lyrics, biographies, a blog and MP3s of songs like “I Will Bleed for You.”

Nutshell Quote: “I see you all around me/I see the apathy in your eyes/knowing not what it means to be free/watching as the White flame dies,” from “I Will Bleed for You” (lyrics by Ken McLellan.)

Highlights: From the fan mail section: “Thought that I'd just let you girls know that you are awesome! I'm from Northern California currently serving in the USAF. I wish there were more girls like you two when I was younger or even now. Most white girls now-a-days are Nigger lovin’ Liberals and it makes me sick! I'm serving my country as a proud Aryan and can't wait to get out to show my pride! Listen to your parents because they are teaching you girls well. AMMO! –Mark”

Conclusion: One star. Only dirty hippies dig folk music, and the warbling of these two adorable, precocious imps sounds like they’re chewing Milk Duds with retainers still in their mouths.

2. The Barnes Review

It’s Like: The Congressional Medal of Honor if they posthumously awarded it to Ed Gein.

Target Audience: Revisionist history buffs, Alex S. Perry Jr. fans, peaceniks.

Alexa Traffic Rank: 785,758

What You’ll Find: A case from revisionist historian Alex S. Perry Jr. backing up his thesis that “if anyone deserved the Nobel Peace Prize, it was Adolph Hitler.” He explains how Hitler was democratically elected and dreamed of an alliance with Britain, but was thwarted when Winston Churchill and Franklin Roosevelt conspired to start World War II. Perry also justifies Hitler’s blitzkrieg in Poland, claiming he had no choice after thousands of innocent Germans were killed by Polish mobs.

Nutshell Quote: “Young German boys, when captured by the Poles, were castrated.”

Highlights: Perry’s essay has 30 footnotes, including three from Hitler’s War, written by renowned Holocaust-denier/jailbird David Irving.

Conclusion: Two stars. Although the Barnes Review scholar is thorough, and even manages to convey empathy for Der Führer having to watch his Teutonic brothers and sisters slaughtered, his argument that Hitler “worked for peace in every way he could” is really undermined by that whole Holocaust thing.

3. The National Alliance

It’s Like: “This American Life” if it featured broadcast stories from Father Charles Coughlin, David Duke and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Target Audience: Aryans of all ages, preferably those with cable modems or shortwave radios.

Alexa Traffic Rank: 151.434

What You’ll Find: The weekly wisdom of downloadable “American Dissident” broadcasts delivered by Chairman Shaun Walker. Impressively, Walker manages to speak on topics such as eugenics, the nefarious plots behind 401(K)s and Indian casinos, and that omnipresent problem, the Jews, all in the soothing manner of a seventh-grade social studies teacher. He hammers on a lot of the same topics, but give him credit for his partisanship: he has equal disdain for the “Jewish-dominated media” and “the moron from Texas” with his “thoroughly Zionist staff.”

Nutshell Quote: “You know, it is a good thing to be White. There really is no way to be modest about such a thing,” from Walker’s essay “Racial Identity.”

Highlights: Surprisingly, the National Alliance is aligned with Cindy Sheehan and Michael Moore. They, too, are against the Iraq war and think the al-Qaeda/Iraq connection is hooey—although the National Alliance’s main beef is that Americans are dying for a right-wing Zionist neoconservative war to empower Israel. Still, anti-war is anti-war. These Christian soldiers are even selling yellow ribbon magnets ($2.50 including shipping) that proudly demand “Bring Our Troops Home & Put Them on the Mexican Border.” Their site also features an investigative piece titled “Who Rules America?” It’s a who’s who of news Jews—a handy guide to those who control the media (now with headshots!).

Conclusion: Three stars. Initially, Walker is great at making the case for why people of my ilk should be 100 percent pro-white, why we deserve living space free of outsiders with no chance of race-mixing, and so forth. But then he drones on…and…on…and…on….Brevity is the soul of white, my brother. Nobody wants to listen to his or her laptop for 35 freaking minutes a pop.

4. Blacks and Jews Newspage

It’s Like: The History Channel if it were staffed entirely by the Black Israelites.

Target Audience: Blacks; not so much Jews. Not so much me, either.

Alexa Traffic Rank: 1,115,964

What You’ll Find: The “most controversial book (and study guide) in America,” The Secret Relationship Between Blacks and Jews, which “vindicates” Reverend Louis Farrakhan by documenting numerous slave owners of the Hebrew faith. It’s not all old school, though. Search around and there’s a link to a site that sheds some light on the Columbine murders, which weren’t the work of neo-Nazis after all, but rather a Jew and a dude who once dated a Jewish girl. You can also read all about the Israeli developer/drug kingpin who blew up the New Orleans levee to get rid of the blacks, presumably to put in condos and a Starbucks.

Nutshell Quote: “Bob Dylan, real name Zimmerman, was a honcho of the Sixties' pro-Viet Cong, pro-communist, pro-hippy element, which sought to destabilize the country during the Vietnam War. [Dylan] Klebold's mother doubtlessly chose the name for her son as a showing of solidarity with the extreme left.”

Highlights: An investigation into the “Curse of Ham,” which unfortunately, doesn’t have anything to do with pork. Rather, it’s some curse that Noah put on Canaan that ultimately led to the enslavement of Africans. The site also makes frequent hay of Henry Louis Gates, “the epitome of a house Negro.”

Conclusion: Four stars. The present-day conspiracies seem a tad implausible, but the sites probes into the murky historical truths of the slave trade, opening a still-resonant Pandora’s box

5. Vanguard News Network

It’s Like: The New York Times, if Bill Keller were Joseph Goebbels.

Target Audience: News junkies; film buffs; white people.

Alexa Traffic Rank: 88,730

What You’ll Find: “No Jews. Just Right.” This site gives readers a handpicked digest of top stories and resonant issues to start their morning hatred off right. It offers Victor Wolzek’s handy “Terror Timeline” of Jewish misdeeds from B.C. to Jan. 17, 2004, the date Zionism apparently reached its zenith when Elmo “brainwashed preschoolers” by appearing at the Los Angelitos Early Education Center to help kick off an Anti-Defamation League training program to help tykes learn about tolerance and cultural diversity. Vanguard News encourages community-building by soliciting op-ed pieces from everyday folks outside the semitically correct filter. It’s the Bizarro world version of the Sunday New York Times, covering national affairs (how the Bush administration perpetrated 9/11 on behalf of the Jews), style (a look at modern dating habits that found most women frown upon the “materialistic, urban, Jewish” lifestyle); Sports (a column on how the NFL wants “racial purity” and keeps the running back position “coal black”); and a stir-the-pot editorial titled “These Butt-Ugly Affirmative-Action University Cunts Are So Goddamned Predictable!”

Nutshell Quote: “Some Christians claim that the Jews are devils in human form. This claim is true if one defines being ‘devilish’ as homicidal and other behavior, but the case for some supernatural being named Lucifer, or Satan controlling all of their actions is unprovable, to put it mildly,” from the article “Planet of the Kikes” by Max Hadden.

Highlights: “The movie reviews. Not ones to shy away from pop culture, Vanguardians embrace mainstream movies, though they aren’t afraid to point out all the insidious Jewish Hollywood infiltration you might be missing. For example, Syriana is “essential viewing” and gets a straight arm’s up, even though it “uses the standard jew m.o., diversion and complication, to cover the ongoing campaign against nations,” proven slyly because “the J-word, I-word and Z-words are never mentioned, not once.” Scour the archive and you’ll discover that American History X “lets a Nazi make his case.” Meanwhile, The Notebook is great because James Garner is “promoting basic Aryan values,” and families should watch Thirteen to understand the “horrors of miscegenation.” Plus, of course, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back illustrates exactly why the rape and murder of a five-year-old white Canadian girl isn’t on MTV News. I’ll be damned if Anthony Lane is wading into those critical waters.

Conclusion: Four stars. First off, the anger permeating from the site is intimidating and I don’t want to end up suiting up for the wrong squad in the upcoming race war. Second, the breadth and depth of the Vanguard News Network is staggering; it’s like they know the issues that are specifically affecting me…or other random Irish Catholic would-be screenwriters from Billings, Montana who’ve had their work rejected again and again by Jewish producers. In fact, I’m going to submit a review to Vanguard of Paradise Now, “the crowd-pleasing, feel-good movie of the year!”

Trawling through the muck on these sites left a bad taste in my mouth. None of the sites I studied is all that convincing. Don’t get me wrong: read enough rantings of lunatics and they start to seep in. I have to constantly remind myself that only 12 to 18.5 percent of what these folks have to say is gospel.

But as noted Jew Rodney Dangerfield once said, “Always look out for number one and be careful not to step in number two.” Since I work in media, and since I’m not giving up my Village apartment to move back to Montana and start a compound in Randy Weaver’s memory, I need to assimilate. I am nothing if not pragmatic. Bring on Zionist global domination!

Being part of Jewcy puts me on the inside. I am officially on the road to controlling the media instead of letting it control me, which is even more awesome than the make-your-own-sundae-bar at Adam Weissman’s bar mitzvah.

N E X T

Do: If you're not too busy leavening your rye with the blood of gentile babes, you may want to leave some feedback on this article in the Comments section. (To Zev-583AR2, Minister of Copper Price-Fixing: "The operation will commence as scheduled. Be sure to bring a poncho and four (4) glow sticks. Elder High Command.") Go: Want to meet some people who think the Jews were responsible for 9/11? Then be sure to stop by the 9/11 Truth Movement meeting on Saturday, November 11 in Arlington, Virginia. Read: Antisemitism: Its History and Causes, by Bernard Lazare. It's out in paperback, and the shipping is free from the warehouse. Natch.

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