To: Courtney E. Martin; Tedra Osell

An unexpected shift occurred after the last big primary night, when Hillary took Ohio, Texas and one of those little states, too: we got bored. Exhausted. Kind of over it. If we’re this fatigued, I can’t imagine how the campaign workers are holding up. Plus, we’re going to have to ride this roller coaster again in Pennsylvania and Indiana and apparently Puerto Rico. Who knew that Puerto Rico was part of the United States? Certainly not women!

What filled up the space left over from primary fatigue (which is different than fibromyalgia, a made up disease that women complain about) is that some women – but not the guys on MSNBC – ran out of things to say. So we started harshing on each other. Because that’s what women do! We’re nice to your face, but we are so mean behind your back!

Some lady wrote that editorial in The Washington Post saying that women are dumb. For a week, women got upset about it, except Maureen Dowd who kept smirking because that’s been her strategy all along. The response to that story spread like…peanut butter! Oh, I really wanted to think of something funnier than peanut butter, but I’m a woman so that’s pretty hard for me. It’s hard to remember (especially when you’re a woman, because we’re so forgetful!) that whenever there’s a lull in the conversation, some paper or magazine or site publishes an incendiary, self-hating essay just to stir up sales. A woman will write that other women should just stay home and raise kids like she did. Or a Jewish person will say that the Holocaust was a lie. A black person may write about the upside of slavery. A Hispanic person will editorialize, “We must be more strict about immigration policy in this country!” I think you catch my drift, but I can’t be sure, because I’m a woman and women talk in circles! The author or editor always defends herself by saying that the piece was just a way to get people talking. Personally, I’ve never needed to be bullied into having an intelligent discussion, but then again, I’m a woman.

There was a drama like this last year when a male essayist wrote a piece in Vanity Fair stating that women aren’t funny. Then women got upset about it and said, “Excuse me, but we are so funny!”

I’ve made a list of stuff that proves women are not dumb and women are funny. I want to make sure right from the start that you understand this list is ongue-in-cheek. My hope is that anyone reading it would infer its tongue-in-cheekiness, but because women are dumb and not funny, it’s possible that you would get confused.

I’m writing it like that guy who does the “You might be a redneck if…” jokes. I was gonna do it “Yo mama’s so fat…” style, but then I thought, What if your mama is so fat? Most women are sensitive about body image issues. So I didn’t want to offend anyone. Also, just by using the colloquial “yo” rather than “you,” I might sound racist. In this election cycle, yo never can be too safe!

Okay, you might be a woman if… You’re dumb! You might be a woman if… You’re not funny! You might be a woman if… You complain a lot! You might be a woman if… You’re voting for Obama!

You might be a woman if… You’re a really bad driver!

You might be a woman if… You complain about your period!

You might be a woman if… You’re a mediocre public speaker!

You might be a woman if… You drive your husband crazy!

You might be woman if… You need a makeover!

You might be a woman if… You never get to the point!

You might be a woman if… You deserved it!

If I missed anything, please post a comment here, because really, isn’t that what the Internet is all about?

We did need a break from the rhetoric. The carnage of the past weeks was a much-needed reality check, reminding us that whoever ends up in the Oval Office will have bigger responsibilities than health care and mortgage rescues. Our next president must initiate and support a global shift away from terrorism and violence and towards peace. It’s been said that men are violent and women are peacemakers, but I hate to resort to stereotypes.

So this marks the end of our Jewcy experiment, with three feminists and three different points of view deconstructing the election so far. I’m not sure if our experiment was successful. In the larger media world, we still seem to be confused that women can be all different kinds of things, with multiple viewpoints, some internally conflicted, all worthy of respect. But you know how we women are…

The post “You Might Be A Woman If…. You’re Voting For Obama!” appeared first on Jewcy.

To: Courtney E. Martin; Tedra Osell

I’m fascinated by Courtney and Tedra’s POVs. How delightful it is to debate and think and posit without being right or wrong! For months now we’ve been watching these presidential debates and just tagging them as win/lose, or playing a highlight reel as if it was a football game. “And a Hail Mary from Obama!” Guess Obama is a Giant in more ways than one right now.

A few Saturday nights ago, I stumbled in from a party. I didn’t stumble because I was inebriated, but because I wore high heels that were killing me all night. (That’s another issue for another day: “The pain we are somehow willing to undertake to fluff up our image of femininity…”)

Okay, so I stumble in, I plant myself on the couch, and turn on the TiVo, which has recorded “Saturday Night Live.” Oh, right! I’d watched it on February 23rd, when it somehow managed to stir up a discussion about how Hillary had been mistreated by the media. Then Huckabee showed up to make some gags, Tina Fey was hilarious as usual, and the show went on. While I was watching, I thought: “Why is HUCKABEE on this show? Shouldn’t it be Hillary making the cameo? This is the perfect opportunity to be funny…” Yet again, a disappointing disconnect.

Cut to the show that aired the following Saturday, with Ellen Page hosting (a total kibosh, but whatever). The show starts with another debate, and the joke again is that the press loves Obama and hates Hillary. The sketch so long and boring that I think it was more fun to wear those high heels. Then a shock – Hillary on screen, looking absolutely radiant, I might add. Whatever her survival secret is, bottle it up and send it my way, because I wore nice shoes for three hours and wanted to give in.

Hillary proceeds to do a long jokeless monologue, and then has an awkward conversation with Amy Poehler who plays her on the show. Giuliani showed up to be self-deprecating, which made the opening sketch seem Pulitzer-worthy. Obama did his due diligence on the show last November. Hillary worked Letterman and she’s parried with Jon Stewart (“You’re right, Jon, this is pathetic.”). This is what politicians do, now. Sketches. Boy, Bill Clinton blows a saxophone on “Arsenio” and the whole campaign system goes nuts.

But there’s Hill on “SNL,” not being funny, and not even making fun of the fact that she’s not funny. That would be funny! And of course, “Saturday Night Live” is so old and dusty that John McCain probably watched it as a kid. Hardly where you go for cutting-edge comedy, but then again, there are very few public venues.

Maybe it was just the endorphins talking, but as I watched the show tick by, I imagined what Hillary might say:

“Hi, everyone, I’m Hillary Clinton. It’s been established that I have no sense of humor, so if you’re looking for laughs you better change the channel. “I’m not funny. I’m not fresh. I’m not going down in history as a brilliant public speaker. But I will make as history as the first female president of this nation. “As the great citizen Shania Twain once said, ‘I’m a bitch. I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother. I’m a sinner, I’m a saint. I do not feel ashamed.’ What I am – and what Obama could never be – is a major, full-time, badass bitch. Congratulations. You’ve found me out. I’ve lost it. Screw all my expensive advisers; we’re officially in Howard Dean territory.

“It is essential to have a bitch in office in 2008. When we’re negotiating with the Iraqis, who do you want in that room: a good guy or an unrelenting, insistent bitch? When the Senate is debating a bill, who do you want signing it – a dreamer or a doer? You may not like me, but you can bet your ass that I’m going to get the job done, even if I have to harangue a mufti to do it.

“I’m not the only one. Condi’s a bitch. Nancy Pelosi? Super bitch. Michelle Obama certainly belongs to the club. Ruth Bader Ginsburg may come off like a lovely lady, but let me tell you, there’s no way a woman can look Clarence Thomas in the eye every day without turning into a hard-core, mega bee-yatch.

“I’m sure that some of you don’t like that word. It’s rude, it’s inappropriate, and its connotations are generally negative. I really don’t give a damn. Because I have nothing left to lose but this election, and frankly, that’s not going to happen.”

As a bitch myself, I endorse that message fully.

The question that people keep asking me is: “If Obama is here, offering hope and idealism, how can you afford to turn it down?” Hillary keeps crushing idealism. She can’t stop. So I understand why Courtney and other peers can’t understand why Obama’s message isn’t motivating to me.

I think he’s offering us a wonderful fantasy. But we’ve been living in a fantasy for the past eight years, about patriotism and the economy and the heckuva-job-Brownie safety for our citizens. I know Obama’s dream is different. But I’m over the fantasy, hope and dreams. What I want in office right now is a realist, and that’s why I still want our First Lady to be our first lady.

The post A Realist Among Dreamers Is Exactly What We Need appeared first on Jewcy.

To: Courtney E. Martin; Tedra Osell

I’m an Entertainment Tonight feminist. I’m a read-the-arts-section-first feminist. I’m an “I-LIKED-Jennifer-Garner’s-hair-at-the-Oscars” feminist. It doesn’t mean I’m foolish or uninformed; it’s just that much of my feminist sensibility is shaped by pop culture. A lot of the news I get and opinions I follow shoot through the filter of TV and film, magazines and Madonna.com. I like stories, I like characters, and all of silly, larger-than-life celebu-stars seem to be players in some national soap opera that has a 24-hour news cycle.

I see the presidential race as Dallas in Washington, a nightly drama set in D.C. starring a spurned matriarch (Hillary), a…patriarchal patriarch (McCain), and a sexy young upstart who throws everyone into a tizzy (Obama). Huckabee? Well, he’s the kooky neighbor down the street. What makes Hillary different than, say, Joan Collins (thank goodness) is that she killed all of her sex appeal. No flirting, no dripping in diamonds. Like feminism itself, Hillary can’t win when it comes to womanhood; we still can’t figure out how to wrangle our sexuality. The election echoes the movement itself. We still haven’t figured out how to say to other women that your choice is a good choice — as long as you have the legal right to make one.

The animosity towards Hillary throughout this race has shocked me, especially when it's animosity in the guise of civil rights. It’s no surprise that Americans support a guy of any color before we support the white woman; non-white men got the vote in the U.S. a full fifty years before women did. As a nation we are historically more open to color when it comes with a Y chromosome.

I like Obama. I think he’s done a great service for our country by calling for a new attitude and new policy, inspiring those who have held back from civic duty in past elections. But I’m voting for Hillary. Not voting AGAINST Obama; I’m voting FOR Hillary. I like her voting record and support for women’s rights. I have no doubt she will fight for reproductive choice while she’s in office. I think her universal health care plan is do-able and I’m glad she wants to see the end to this war. But most of all, yeah, I like Hillary because she’s a girl. I want a lady to run this show. It’s not feminism (although it is). And it’s not gender-based affirmative action. If she’s a girl, and she’s got the goods, that’s where my vote, feminist or humanist is gonna go. I haven’t wavered on my Hillary support at any point during the campaign. I knew the lady had certain baggage that would drag behind her, but I honestly believe that she’s the best man/woman for the job.

The knocks against her that I keep hearing again and again:

1. “She voted for the war”
2. “She should have left her husband”
3. “I just don’t LIKE her”

As far as voting for the war…well, I’m not too thrilled about that either. But when I was living here in New York in the days/weeks/months after 9/11, it was hard envision a peaceful solution to terrorism. Hillary was voting on behalf of her constituents, and a good number of her constituents (like me) were pissed off and vengeful. Our current president refuses to admit the war was an error in judgment. At least Hillary has a plan (I know, Barack does too) to bring this disaster to a close.

Okay, the Hill and Bill drama. I can’t quite figure this “love him, leave him” thing
out. I don’t know that divorce is a feminist issue. My sense is that you don’t end a marriage for feminism’s sake. It’s a personal issue for the couple. So I’m not quite sure why this has become an issue on the campaign. Besides, back in the impeachment days I recall lots of liberals looking back at the Clinton administration with fondness. Can’t happy days be here again? Isn’t the amorphous “change” we’re looking for a change from the Republican Party? Both Democratic candidates are senators. Their votes are equal on the floor.

As far as not liking the lady: You’d think that by this point Hillary and her handlers would have gone the Al Gore route and realized it’s a lot more fun (and maybe more effective) to screw politics and go for the Oscar. Red carpet beats White House. I hear over and over again how she’s so warm, and personable, and funny, and what a dern shame it is that the public rarely gets to that side of her.

It is a shame. But I keep thinking: I’m not looking for a best friend; I’m looking for a president. We all know who Hillary is in the days of our lives: She’s the mom. She’s the math teacher. She’s the chagrined principal. I’m not the first one to point out the similarities between this election and Election, starring Hillary as Tracy Flick, her eyes on the prize, while Barack is the object of accidental political adoration. She’s the yearbook editor. He’s the quarterback. How important is personality? Everyone says George W. is very charismatic and affable; look where that got us.

I know we dream of a Clooney-esque president. Well, maybe Pitt for president while Angelina runs the U.N. Hillary, like so many women of her generation, doesn’t seem fun or glamorous. These women have to-do lists. They drive SUVs and join book clubs. They wear tan nail polish. They’re on diets. Women “of a certain age” aren’t seen and heard. They birth us, they raise us, and they support our anxieties but still we like the cute boy better. If not Hillary, then what kind of woman are we supposed to vote for? Britney Spears?

My feminist contention with Hillary is her refusal to use the f-word — her inability to say “Vote for me because of my gender” just as Obama has never said, “Vote for me because of the color of my skin.” Once again, fear seems to have trumped feminism.

A lot of ladies were on the Hillary bandwagon until Obama came to town. I see exactly what they like in him. He’s our national crush object. If Obama is the guy you date, then Hillary is the guy you marry. So, (almost) all things being equal, I’m voting for Hillary. Because I like her policies. Because I like her track record. And most of all, because I want the girl to win.

The post Voting For Hillary “Because I Want The Girl To Win.” appeared first on Jewcy.