Religion & Beliefs

Upping The Afikomen Stakes

There was a time when stealing the afikomen meant something. We’re bringing that back. Read More

By / April 15, 2011

There was a time when stealing the afikomen meant something. Hiding it was intended to be a way to keep the children awake during the Seder; since stories of 40 years in the dessert had tendency to induce 40 winks in the kids in their cushioned chairs. Yet it has slowly evolved into just another way to coddle the youth. I remember hearing about a friend’s Seder, in which all 10 grandchildren were given $100 just for trying and the lucky kid that found it, one of the 10’s goyim college friends, “won” $1,000. The Seder is meant to honor the incredible sacrifice and spirit of a people yet all over the world little boys and girls are winning a small fortune just for showing up – oh how far we’ve come.

Well we at Jewcy have seen enough so we decided to raise the stakes with some tips. These are not your grandfather’s afikomen hiding spots (undoubtedly, between couch cushions). Any of these five would truly test the metal of any young Jew or Jewess:

1. Bait and switch: It’s pretty easy, after breaking the matzah in half, show one half to the kids as the afikomen and place the other back on the unleavened bread stack. Then shout, “who’s that behind you? Elijah!?” When everyone turns his or her heads, quickly trade the afikomen with the non-afikomen half. Then just send those dummies looking for the wrong piece while the right one is hiding in plain sight.

2. There is no spoon afikomen: While the party thinks you’re looking for a hiding place, go to the other side of your apartment/house and throw it out the window. The kids will be looking forsomething that doesn’t exist anymore. This method does demand it be raining as to wash away the evidence by morning but if done properly it has longevity. Next year you can tell the patsies, “I’m not hiding more matzah. You didn’t even find last years so keeping look for it.”

3. The old inside a loaf of bread trick: This one does take a little bit more effort. The morning before buy a large loaf of bread and carefully slice it in half in a way in which it would appear seamless. Then cut an afikomen-sized hole in the center. That night the kids, out of guilt, won’t dare touch the decidedly leavened bread. (Note: The difficultly increases when a guest at someone else’s Seder, as bringing a loaf of bread would probably be frowned upon. You can’t really tell your parents, “I brought this loaf of bread to the Seder so I can trick all these dumb kids”)

4. Christmas comes just twice a year: Why did your Bubbe buy you that Barbara Streisand Christmas CD when you were dating that Catholic in college? It was for this one moment. The technique demands a matzah carving kit, or something comparable, but once you get the afikomen in its necessary circular shape it will be all worth it. No kid would dare pick up a Christmas CD regardless of the Semitic nature of the singer and most of the songwriters

5. The old relic robotic Rover trick: Remember back in 2000 when you bought that robot dog after they became so popular on Real World: New Orleans (and in-turn Road Rules: Maximum Velocity)? Well dust it off, switch it on, and strap matzah to its belly. Those little jerks won’t even know what they are looking at.

If all else fails enlist this guy for some handsome help. No matter age or gender, it would be hard for any child to look away from his glowing, half-Jew face and for a slice of hidden matzah.

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