OK, we’ll let up with all the Hogwarts Houses and Biblical characters, but one last one for now. Women of the “Nakh” part of “Tanakh,” so, post-Torah, Hebrew scripture. Let’s do this:

Michal is, first of all, the best character of any gender in the entire Bible. That’s a post for another day, but suffice to say that she persists through many personal tragedies with a strong sense of self and defiant spirit. Gryffindor or Slytherin is a tough call here, but perhaps the most telling anecdote is when she helps David escape Saul. She first convinces her husband to leave, and then lies to her father that David threatened her into abetting him. She does what she can to protect the man her love, but takes the calculated risk of inflaming her her father’s anger at him to save herself as well.

Michal is a Slytherin, and Slytherins are awesome.

Ruth is tireless. “Loyal,” “true,” “Unafraid of toil,” are quotes that come straight from the Sorting Hat, and describe this woman to a T. The first time we meet her, she sacrifices her own comfort for love of Naomi, and she stays with her mother-in-law the rest of her story, never complaining, constantly working towards a better life. She’s a perfect Hufflepuff, proving once again that it’s a house much maligned.

Naomi isn’t quite the ray of sunshine that her daughter-in-law is. She’s a woman to which life has been cruel, and she’s not above despairing. But when we moves forward, it’s with a balanced canny in encouraging Ruth’s next actions that suggest a Ravenclaw. But I can still be convinced otherwise on this one.

Esther, like Morechai, is a tough one, in her case because she often seems to be passive rather than active, or acting based on someone else’s desires. But the number one thing to know about Esther is that people really, really like her. The Megillah makes it explicit. And it’s not fair to call her doing what Mordechai says as weak; she protests, she shares her anxieties over his risky plans, but she goes on ahead in good faith. It’s her trust in her loved ones, but not a blind trust, that makes her a Hufflepuff.

So no Gryffindor women today, but remember, there were a whole slew in the Torah! But if any of these are wrong, feel free to reach out on Twitter and virtually yell about Harry Potter. That’s always a good time.

Image of Ruth and Naomi from the Walters Art Museum via Flickr.

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After our wildly successful attempt to sort men from the Torah into Hogwarts Houses, it’s time to move on to the ladies.

Women in the Bible can be tricky; they tend to be underdeveloped or have their agency downplayed. But without leaning on Midrash, let’s see what we can do:

Eve is the first woman in the world (unless you count Lilith), and also the first Ravenclaw. The very first thing we see her do is eat from the tree of knowledge despite being forbidden. Her temptation to do so? Curiosity, pure and simple— the snake tells her she can learn good form evil. And the fact that she went on to immediately share the fruit with her husband doesn’t show corruption or slyness, but that she was a huge nerd who likes sharing what she knows.

Sarah is a complicated woman of her day— devoted to her patriarch, in desperate need of producing a male heir to secure her own legacy. It’s hard to extricate her own decisions from being her husband’s sidekick. But here are a couple of interesting incidents:

• She insists that her husband take her servant as a concubine so he can have children.
• She regrets her decision and demands that Hagar be cast out.

Sarah is a survivalist, and she does what she has to, be it acquiesce to pretending her husband is her brother, to denying that she laughed at the prospect of her bearing a son in her old age. For better or worse, she’s a Slytherin.

Rebecca can seem a mess of contradictions; her two most famous stories are of her showing care for man and beast alike at a well, and helping her favorite son trick her husband. But all along the way, she’s also surprisingly outspoken. There’s the moment that she volunteers to leave her home to an arranged marriage early, and her insistence to her husband to send Jacob away to marry into her family.

But every thing she utters has an agenda, so is she a Slytherin or a Gryffindor?

It’s a hatstall, but her declaration that any curse placed on Jacob would fall on her instead nudges her into Gryffindor territory. There’s a cunning to her actions, but a boldness, too.

Rachel is more like her Slytherin husband than she gets credit for. From outwitting her father to steal his idols to cutting deals with her sister using their husband as a bargaining chip, she’s nobody’s fool. She’s a Slytherin, too.

Leah is the Gryffindor to her sister Rachel’s Slytherin. While they have a lot in common (including father and spouse), Leah tends to be direct. When Rachel promises Leah the night with Jacob, Leah straight up goes to her husband and lays it on the line.

Almost every time she names a baby, it’s references to the fact that will her husband actually like her now, please?! She’s in some ways an underdog, but doesn’t act like it, and isn’t afraid of making it clear what she wants.

Miriam appears fewer times in the Torah than perhaps you remember. Nonetheless, here’s what we have to work with:

• As a child she watched her baby brother in Nile and arranged for their mother to become his nursemaid.
• She was a prophetess who led the women in song and celebration during the Exodus.
• She spoke ill of her brother’s choice of wife, and lamented his superior position of power and Aaron, and was punished with leprosy.

A common link here is speaking out at risk of her own safety (in the first example, imagine a slave girl approaching a princess unprompted). She’s ambitious, sure, but more than that, a straight-shooter, looks danger in its face, and a vocal leader of her people. Like her youngest brother, she’s a Gryffindor.

Once again, if you want to kvetch about our decisions, you can do so in the comments or on Twitter. And let us know if you think we should go on with characters from the other parts of the Bible! Because we probably will anyway.

(Update: We did. Ladies. Dudes.)

Images via Wikimedia, Pottermore, and Warner Bros. Studio.

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