At the beginning of Exodus: Gods and Kings, Ramses II—heir to the Egyptian throne—and his adopted brother Moses prepare for battle against a Hittite army. Before riding off into the fray, they exchange swords as a symbol of their fraternal bond and intertwined destinies. It’s a compelling scene, and I had high hopes that Exodus would prove to be an evocative retelling of what is perhaps the most intriguingly human strand of the biblical narrative: two men, who are raised as brothers, become bitter adversaries in an epic clash of powers. As it turns out, while there are plenty of adjectives that can be used to describe Ridley Scott’s latest film, “evocative” is not one of them.

As far as cinematic interpretations of the Passover story go, Exodus is the most uninspired, laugh-out-loud-ridiculous of them all. Seriously, this movie makes A Rugrats Passover look like Citizen Kane. Exodus is plagued (see what I did there?) by turgid dialogue, campy costumes, and an abundance of logical inconsistencies. As Moses, Christian Bale does what he can with the script, but it’s hard to accept his gravitas while he’s covered in spray tan and spouting off cornball lines like, “You can learn a lot about somebody by looking him in the eye.”

For the most part, Exodus sticks to the key points of the biblical narrative: an Egyptian prince discovers that he hails from a family of Hebrew slaves, goes into exile, has a pow-wow with God, returns to Egypt to liberate the Israelites, and much divine smiting ensues. The film’s interpretations of the scriptural story are more often than not contradictory and absurd. Early on in Exodus, two Egyptian officers mistakenly refer to Moses as a slave, and he kills them because… well, it’s not entirely clear why. When Moses is told by one of the Hebrews that he was born to a Jewish mother, he responds in disbelief: “That’s not even a good story. I thought you people were supposed to be good at telling stories.” And yet Moses seems to have known for some time that a palace servant is actually his Israelite sister. How he comes to this realization is never made clear; maybe the filmmakers figured we would forget about the discrepancy if they threw enough CGI locusts our way.

The most laughable of all the film’s ludicrous moments is the appearance of God, who manifests to Moses as a little boy with a British accent and a shoddy haircut. I’m not sure what to make of the religious implications of this casting choice, but it is disastrous on a narrative level. Whenever the Almighty brims with rage, it’s impossible to refrain from thinking that he needs to be sent to his room and have his Xbox privileges taken away.

The truly unfortunate thing about Exodus is that the film bungles some perfectly fertile source material. There is much to explore in the story of an Egyptian prince whose world is upended when he discovers that he belongs to a nation of slaves, and who is forced to wreak havoc upon the very people who saved his life when his own mother was forced to abandon him. But in Exodus, Moses and pretty much every supporting character are frustratingly half-baked. The first meeting between Moses and his biological brother Aaron packs about as much emotional heft as a cardboard sandwich. As Moses’ wife Tzipporah, Spanish actress Maria Valverde is reduced to shooting lusty glances in Moses’ direction and uttering the least exciting dirty talk imaginable (“Proceed”). Aaron Paul makes an appearance as Joshua, Moses’ eventual successor, but he isn’t given much to do except shout “Moshe!” at crucial moments in the narrative.

Only in Ramses II, played with spirit and copious amounts of eyeliner by Joel Edgerton, do we get some semblance of a multi-dimensional character. Ramses is pained by the suffering of his family and his people, but he cannot bring himself to concede to the one thing that would rid Egypt of the plagues. He rages over the insubordination of the man whom he once thought of as a brother. He seems bewildered by Moses’ allegiance to a God that wipes out a nation of firstborns. But as soon as God begins the wreak havoc in Egypt, the interactions between Moses and Ramses become too clipped to feel substantial. At one point, rather than show up to the great palace in person, Moses sends Ramses a white horse with a warning written on its side. I think this is supposed to be menacing in a Godfather-y sort of way, but it really isn’t.

I will say that unlike some other biblical epics (ahem, Noah), Exodus looks great. The film is shot against a vast expanse of creamy sands and looming mountains. There are mudslides, and hailstorms, and some pretty epic croc attacks that usher in the first plague by tainting the Nile with human blood. The parting of the Red Sea—essentially the climax of the whole story—is pretty underwhelming though. For some reason, in a movie about a man who talks to God and ushers in a sequence of divinely-ordained plagues, the filmmakers decided that this would be a good time to affect some realism. As the Israelites prepare for their crossing, the Red Sea simply froths and dries up without much ceremony—not unlike the trajectory of this film.

(Image: 20th Century Fox)

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Have you ever set a plan in motion and slowly watched the pieces move into place? Did that plan involve pretty much murdering a country’s entire army in cold blood? If so, you’re just like Yehovah in episode 26.1 of OMGWTFBIBLE, preparing the Reed Sea (A.K.A. the Red Sea) for his planned drowning of the Egyptians.

This episode, host David Tuchman is joined by ad exec and Modern Orthodox Jew Michael Schreiber to read “Beshalach,” the fourth portion in the book of Exodus. The Reed Sea is about to split in two, and Michael has a lot to say about the forces that are dividing the Jewish community. Listen to it all here!

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. The next live show will be recorded at the Limmud conference in England in late December, but David will be hosting an open mic in New York before he departs for the U.K.! Bring your most horrible holiday stories to Beauty Bar on December 22 at 7:30 PM and share them with the world!

(Image: Moses splitting the Reed/Red Sea in The Ten Commandments)

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And they’re out! In Episode 25.4 of OMGWTFBIBLE, featuring David Tuchman, Rishe Groner, and a very irreverent translation of the Hebrew Bible, the Hebrews finally leave Egypt.

That’s right, the long slog through slavery is done! Now it’s time for a long slog through the desert. Listen to it all right here.

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

(Photo credit: Timothy A. Clary/Getty Images)

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. David will be reading the next live show with Michael Schreiber at Beauty Bar on November 24!

The post OMGWTFBIBLE: In Which the Israelites Finally Peace Out of Egypt appeared first on Jewcy.

Finally! Episode 25.3 of OMGWTFBIBLE, featuring David Tuchman, Rishe Groner, and a very irreverent translation of the Hebrew Bible, is here!

Your intrepid readers get even further into “Come” (aka “Bo”) this week, reading about all the ultra-violence that transpired during the very first Passover. And what is Rishe’s seder secret? Listen to it here and find out!

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. David will be reading the next live show with Michael Schreiber at Beauty Bar on November 24!

(Image: Lamentations over the Death of the First-Born of Egypt by Charles Sprague Pearce)

The post OMGWTFBIBLE: In Which the Firstborns Die, and the Israelites Pillage Egypt appeared first on Jewcy.

The Middle East Media Research Institute (MEMRI) reports that Egyptian columnist Ahmad Al-Gamal has called on his government to sue Israel for damages resulting from the 10 plagues. Yep, those 10 plagues—the ones allegedly wrought by God, in the Bible, thousands of years ago.

Gamal’s cri de coeur was published in the Egyptian newspaper Al-Yawm Al-Sabi on March 11; translated excerpts were recently released by MEMRI. Satire or serious, it’s an entertaining read. Here’s a highlight:

We want compensation for the [Ten] Plagues that were inflicted upon [us] as a result of the curses that the Jews’ ancient forefathers [cast] upon our ancient forefathers, who did not deserve to pay for the mistake that Egypt’s ruler at the time, Pharaoh as the Torah calls him, committed. For what is written in the Torah proves that it was Pharaoh who oppressed the Children of Israel, rather than the Egyptian people. [But] they inflicted upon us the plague of locusts that didn’t leave anything behind them; the plague that transformed the Nile’s waters into blood, so nobody could drink of them for a long time; the plague of darkness that kept the world dark day and night; the plague of frogs; and the plague of the killing of the firstborn, namely every first offspring born to woman or beast, and so on.

Additionally, he proposes suing Turkey for invading Egypt during the Ottoman period, France for the 1956 Suez Crisis, and Britain for 72 years of occupation.

One pressing question: if Gamal truly believes in the historical veracity of the Torah, can we presume he also believes that the land of Israel, “from the Red Sea to the sea of the Philistines,” belongs to the Jews? Someone put this man in touch with Bibi Netanyahu, stat!

Read the rest here.

(Image: ‘The Seventh Plague‘ by John Martin.)

The post Egyptian Columnist Wants To Sue Israel For The Ten Plagues appeared first on Jewcy.

Visit http://live.ajc.org on Tuesday March 15th, 2011 at 7:00pm Eastern to participate live in this timely, topical and interactive program.

The post Changing Dynamics in the Middle East appeared first on Jewcy.

• Israelis showing some Valentine’s love for Egyptians.

• Israeli Foreign Minister Avigdor Liberman shows who’s the dominant one in the relationship.

• The Simon Wiesenthal Center would love to put former Hungarian military officer Sandor Kepiro behind bars.

• Jewish books…about love.

• Calling out Republicans who won’t stand up to people who call President Obama a Muslim.

The post Daily Valentine Jewce: Israelis Loving Egyptians, Jewish Love Books, Catching Nazis And More appeared first on Jewcy.

• Hosni Mubarak is the new Carmen Sandiego: where in the world is he?

• The Forward profiles 37 Jewish men and women that lost their lives in combat in Afghanistan and Iraq.

• What do the Muslim Brotherhood and the ultra Orthodox right of Israel have in common?

• The Atlantic takes a look at the evolution of video game music.

The post Daily Jewce: Where’s Mubarak?, Remembering Jewish Soldiers, Ultra Orthdox And The Muslim Brotherhood, Video Game Music And More appeared first on Jewcy.

• According to a survey, nearly 40 percent of Israelis believe there is too much freedom of expression in Israel.

• Part 1 in a series on Baruch Spinoza at The Guardian.

• Cario, 1938, in beautiful technicolor.

• Jonathan Richman is one of the greatest songwriters ever.  If you don’t know, check it out.

The post Daily Jewce: Too Much Freedom In Israel, Talking Spinoza, Jonathan Richman and More appeared first on Jewcy.

• MTV in the Holy Land and the birth of Israeli hip-hop.

• Hacktivists target the regimes in Egypt and Yemen

• Big Jewcy alumni, Leandra Medine, talks to BlackBook.

• The Jewish Book Council talks poetry.

The post Daily Jewce: MTV Israel, Hacktivists And The Middle East, JBC Talking Poetry And More appeared first on Jewcy.