And so, there has to be a worst Passover movie, a bizarro-Prince of Egypt that gets everything wrong and then punches you in the nose for good measure.

Gentle readers, I have found such a film. I present to you: Moses: Egypt’s Great Prince.

As the title suggests, the film was made to cash in on its superior cousin’s success, and in fact, both came out the very same year, 1998.

The voice acting is bad. The animation has no budget. But the short feature (less than an hour) goes so far beyond a lazy ripoff into the land of bizarre trash that would make Oscar the Grouch feel ambivalent.

This movie has to be seen to be believed. You can watch the whole thing on YouTube, so let’s fall down this filthy rabbit hole together:

The film begins with a laconic narrator, telling us how a corrupt Pharaoh kept the Israelites enslaved, yadda yadda, so far, fine.

He then tells of the Hebrews’ only hope: a prophecy that a “Chosen One” would lead them to freedom.

What? Is this a Midrash I’ve never heard?

Anyway, Moses is born and his mother sends him adrift in the river. Her name, is Jekoba. Yes, I know Yocheved can be hard to pronounce, but this isn’t even close.

It is worth noting when we meet Jekoba that she is extraordinarily white, to the point of having blue eyes. Everyone in this film is white, though a couple of the villains have mediocre tans. At least in Exodus: Gods and Kings they gave the actors spray tans.

Fast forward several years, and we meet Moses, a bargain-bin Disney prince and his dog Tut, a Scooby-Doo-esque knockoff of the animal sidekicks in superior films.

Tut has a rivalry with Nefer-Kitty, an evil cat who belongs to Moses’s brother Ramses. They talk to each other, and the humans don’t understand them. They have absolutely no relevance to the plot.

But Moses, alas, is important, and he starts singing “I’m the Prince of Egypt,” in case you had forgotten that there’s a better film out there you could be watching. It’s arguably the best song in the movie in the sense that it is only slightly repulsive in melody and lyrics, full of foreshadowing, as Moses hopes for his future in ways like, “Maybe I can cross the sea.” Alas, the dog sings a bit too.

Meanwhile, the Hebrew slaves are having a Very Important Secret Slave Meeting, where an old man insists that Pharaoh has stolen the “Flame of God” from its holy resting place.

Like the “prophecy,” if that is a real Midrash, it is not one with which I am familiar.

This old man, whose name we later learn is Levi Jethro (yes, really, and I can’t even sum up the layers of wrong that is), also mentions that Jews used to be kings, but given the scale of making stuff up to come, that anachronism is at least a shout out to some part of the Bible.

Moses, who is on the run from Egyptian priests for trespassing or something, literally falls into the meeting on the head of a very angry Hebrew who we later learn is Aaron but has absolutely nothing to do with the Biblical Aaron.

Levi Jethro stares into Moses’s eyes and notices that he is Special and maybe the Chosen One when soldiers and priests show up and we have something that would have maybe looked like a fight scene if this film had the budget. Luckily, a mysterious girl rescues Moses, and he figures out from the mezuzah on her home that she’s Hebrew… even though Mezuzot were extremely not a thing yet, but whatever.

The cat and dog then sing a song that is painful while you listen but at least forgettable afterwards, that is about how they hate each other and once again has no relevance to the plot nor the Exodus.

We also meet Pharaoh, who is definitely Evil, because he demands a servant be burned to death and ends like half his sentences with “Pharaoh has spoken.” Ramses, Moses’s young brother, is there too, and he’s so annoying he makes Moses seem charming.

Seriously, Moses is as dumb as a doorpost with lamb’s blood on it.

“You look like a prince,” Jekoba, his servant who is secretly his mother compliments him before a public appearance.

“I am a prince,” he replies earnestly, not understanding any sort of verbal idioms or conversational nuance.

Moses then goes out and encounters a group of slaves.  Aaron is mean to him, so the dog pees on him. Humor! Levi Jethro shows up and takes Moses aside, showing him, I kid you not, the skeleton of an Israelite rebel chained to a pyramid next to a Hebrew inscription. And when I say “Hebrew,” I mean that someone drew chicken scratch and called it that.

Because Moses is secretly a Hebrew and also the Chosen One, he can magically read the inscription which straight up says that he is the Chosen One, even though the movie has been beating that fact over our heads this entire time.

Moses confronts the Queen, and when the Pharaoh overhears her confirm Moses’s origins, the king disowns our intrepid hero.

Moses is so sad about everything that he runs and finds the mysterious girl, and there’s definitely supposed to be chemistry between them, which is weird, because she’s probably going to be his sister Miriam, right?

Oh, great, they have a vague song about what’s probably reaching Canaan.

.

WAIT, WHY ARE THEY KISSING IN THIS DREAM SEQUENCE? ARE THEY SIBLINGS?

Immediately after this song, Moses magically knows the girl by name even though she never introduced herself. He calls her Zipporah, which is a relief because it means she’s based on his Biblical wife, not sister. We also later learn that Zipporah is Levi Jethro’s daughter, because sure.

They then fight some Egyptians for pretty much no reason, who knock them and the dog out with an ether-like substance, for once again pretty much no reason.

The gang wakes up to find themselves being mummified alive, which sounds terrifying except that it looks like mummification is  just being wrapped in bandages. They immediately escape because literally the only thing holding them back is strips of linen.

They wind up in the Pharaoh’s basement or something and find a torch that they immediately know to be THE FLAME OF GOD. Zipporah immediately tries to touch it, and complains that it’s hot, because she’s an idiot.

Moses, however, makes contact with the flame and it makes him glow like an anime character and magically know he’s the Chosen One even though they have told us this about 613 times already.

They then make it out of there by avoiding silly booby traps like saws that come out of the wall and trapdoors filled with scorpions. It should be noted that Zipporah helps by suddenly producing a boomerang.

OK, that’s pretty freaking cool.

Moses gets captured again, because of course, and Pharaoh orders him chained to a pyramid to burn to death as a contest between God and Ra, the latter of whom the Egyptians talk about as if they were monotheistic. Subtle historical reference to the reign of Akhenaten? Doubtful.

Ramses then sings a song entitled “Please Please Ramses” which is so awful and painful to watch that it’s actually kind of impressive. It may win as Worst Song in the Movie, which is no easy task. The cat gets a solo too.

Meanwhile, the Hebrew are very upset that this guy they don’t really know is chained to a pyramid, and when Levi Jethro tries to address the crowd an Egyptian shoots him with an arrow, which, I’m not going to lie, is kind of funny. Aaron responds by leading the Jews in a violent revolt.

“No, this isn’t the way it’s supposed to happen,” says Moses from atop the pyramid. My thought exactly, but he then clarifies he’s referring to violence as not being the answer, which would be an offensive critique on methods of manumission were this film not about a cat that wears an Egyptian headdress.

The slaves actually manage to corner the king, and Aaron makes a list of demands, including that Jews be paid for their work. It’s honestly a pretty good labor action.

Also, a Force ghost-like vision of Levi Jethro, who is probably dead, hovers in front of Moses and gives him some kind of inspirational speech, so Moses glows, and his bonds dissolve. Apparently, he also acquired Spider-man powers, because he sits on the side of the pyramid like he can stick to it.

Moses approaches the slaves and Pharaoh, and his face is sparkling because he’s holy or something.

Ramses tries to attack him, and Moses responds by SHOOTING A LASER OUT OF HIS CHEST.

THIS LASER BURNS THE BAD GUYS AND FREES THE SLAVES WHO ARE CHAINED UP. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. APPARENTLY THE BIBLE WAS NOT WEIRD ENOUGH AND THIS MOVIE GAVE MOSES SUPERPOWERS THAT INVOLVE MAGICAL LASERS. THIS IS SO AMAZING IT ALMOST MAKES WATCHING THIS WHOLE ATROCITY WORTH IT.

Oh look, Moses also magically gained a shirt. The powers of God are great, indeed.

Pharaoh is at this point so fed up, that he sets the slaves free (he calls it banishment), which is confusing, because the rest of the movie is about the slaves going free but I thought that that was what just happened?

Anyway, Moses and Zipporah get married and— wait. Is that Levi Jethro officiating?

So is he dead or isn’t he? Whatever, I don’t care.

Anyway, the film blessedly realizes it’s out of time, so Moses encounters the burning bush, and God conveniently sums the rest up. He shows us a much older Moses coming back, confronting Pharaoh, etc. The plagues are explained as blood, locusts, and poison gas on “every Egyptian,” the latter of which is both made up and especially offensive.

God sends Moses to Midian and says he will call for him when the time is right. This makes no sense because Moses already freed the slaves? Are they coming with him and then going back to Egypt later just to torture their former oppressors? Or are they going to return to slavery until Moses has grown a Charlton Heston-like beard?

Whatever.

The film concludes with a narrated montage of the Jews reaching the Promised Land with Moses (which, you know, he didn’t do).  Finally, cut to live action stock footage of 20th century Israel, and the film concludes about the Hebrews:

“They live there to this day.  Home at last.”

…Sure.

There’s no way to conclude such a cinematic journey without a plea to change copyright law and give someone control over the Bible’s creative properties. Clearly, it has no place in the public domain if it’s going to suffer this abuse.

Happy Passover, and thanks for making it through this.

The post The Worst Exodus Movie Ever Made appeared first on Jewcy.

Sure, God created the world, drowned almost everyone in a massive flood, killed a bunch of Egyptians, and has all sort of laws he wants people to care about, but did you know he also designs clothing? It’s true! And that’s what guest Catie Lazarus spends the majority of Episode 30.1 of OMGWTFBIBLE reading!

The hilarious host of “Employee of the Month” joined OMGWTFBIBLE host David Tuchman to read about some divine fashion choices that have been out of style for a few thousand seasons. What does she think of holy vests? Can she pull off a Godly breastplate? Find out here:

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Check back here tomorrow for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. David will be reading the next live show in New York at Beauty Bar with Shulem Deen, author of All Who Go Do Not Return, on April 27!

(Image: The Holy of Holies; illustration from the 1890 Holman Bible)

The post OMGWTFBIBLE: In Which God Goes All Project Runway on the Israelites appeared first on Jewcy.

When we last left our heroes, David Tuchman and Mark Leuchter were in Raven Lounge in Philadelphia, reading about all the stuff God wanted in his desert tent. That’s right, they were halfway through “Terumah,” the seventh portion of Exodus, and growing weary of all of God’s very specific and confusing instructions.

Can they make it through? Can they finish episode 29.2, complete God’s directions, and find something remotely meaningful to talk about in all this? Find out on the next episode of OMGWTFBIBLE, available right here, right now!

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. David will be reading the next live show in New York at Beauty Bar with Catie Lazarus on March 23!

The post OMGWTFBIBLE: In Which God Reveals a Penchant For Interior Decorating appeared first on Jewcy.

OMGWTFBIBLE with David Tuchman has hit Philadelphia! On February 25, David was joined by Temple professor Mark Leuchter at Raven Lounge in Philly to read “Terumah,” the seventh portion in Exodus—next to a stripper pole. Among other things, they discussed Professor Leuchter’s love of guitars, his approach to the Bible, and why in the world God spent so much time on building directions.

That’s right, building directions. In episode 29.1, with all those pesky laws out of the way, God spends a great deal of time describing some stuff he wants made. Is it interesting? Are there any questions that can be asked about this? Why is it in the Bible in the first place? Listen and find out. Maybe.

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. David will be reading the next live show with in New York at Beauty Bar with Catie Lazarus on March 23!

(Image: Model of the tabernacle, as seen in Timna Park, Israel)

The post OMGWTFBIBLE: In Which God Spends a Great Deal of Time Describing Some Stuff He Wants Made appeared first on Jewcy.

Have you ever wondered about the appropriate liquids in which to boil kid goats? Thirsty to know when the best time to go to the bathroom is? Do not fear! The Bible, as rewritten by David Tuchman, is here to answer your obscurest questions!

In episode 28.2 of OMGWTFBIBLE, David is joined by Sha James to read the second half of “Mishpatim,” the sixth portion in Exodus. And, oh my, is it a doozy. Episode 28.2 is pretty hard to put into words, especially because it’s really all over the place, so you may as well just start listening right now.

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. David will be reading the next live show with in New York at Beauty Bar with Catie Lazarus on March 23!

Image: Shutterstock

The post OMGWTBIBLE: In Which the Jewish People Are Forever Banned From Eating Cheeseburgers appeared first on Jewcy.

At the beginning of Exodus: Gods and Kings, Ramses II—heir to the Egyptian throne—and his adopted brother Moses prepare for battle against a Hittite army. Before riding off into the fray, they exchange swords as a symbol of their fraternal bond and intertwined destinies. It’s a compelling scene, and I had high hopes that Exodus would prove to be an evocative retelling of what is perhaps the most intriguingly human strand of the biblical narrative: two men, who are raised as brothers, become bitter adversaries in an epic clash of powers. As it turns out, while there are plenty of adjectives that can be used to describe Ridley Scott’s latest film, “evocative” is not one of them.

As far as cinematic interpretations of the Passover story go, Exodus is the most uninspired, laugh-out-loud-ridiculous of them all. Seriously, this movie makes A Rugrats Passover look like Citizen Kane. Exodus is plagued (see what I did there?) by turgid dialogue, campy costumes, and an abundance of logical inconsistencies. As Moses, Christian Bale does what he can with the script, but it’s hard to accept his gravitas while he’s covered in spray tan and spouting off cornball lines like, “You can learn a lot about somebody by looking him in the eye.”

For the most part, Exodus sticks to the key points of the biblical narrative: an Egyptian prince discovers that he hails from a family of Hebrew slaves, goes into exile, has a pow-wow with God, returns to Egypt to liberate the Israelites, and much divine smiting ensues. The film’s interpretations of the scriptural story are more often than not contradictory and absurd. Early on in Exodus, two Egyptian officers mistakenly refer to Moses as a slave, and he kills them because… well, it’s not entirely clear why. When Moses is told by one of the Hebrews that he was born to a Jewish mother, he responds in disbelief: “That’s not even a good story. I thought you people were supposed to be good at telling stories.” And yet Moses seems to have known for some time that a palace servant is actually his Israelite sister. How he comes to this realization is never made clear; maybe the filmmakers figured we would forget about the discrepancy if they threw enough CGI locusts our way.

The most laughable of all the film’s ludicrous moments is the appearance of God, who manifests to Moses as a little boy with a British accent and a shoddy haircut. I’m not sure what to make of the religious implications of this casting choice, but it is disastrous on a narrative level. Whenever the Almighty brims with rage, it’s impossible to refrain from thinking that he needs to be sent to his room and have his Xbox privileges taken away.

The truly unfortunate thing about Exodus is that the film bungles some perfectly fertile source material. There is much to explore in the story of an Egyptian prince whose world is upended when he discovers that he belongs to a nation of slaves, and who is forced to wreak havoc upon the very people who saved his life when his own mother was forced to abandon him. But in Exodus, Moses and pretty much every supporting character are frustratingly half-baked. The first meeting between Moses and his biological brother Aaron packs about as much emotional heft as a cardboard sandwich. As Moses’ wife Tzipporah, Spanish actress Maria Valverde is reduced to shooting lusty glances in Moses’ direction and uttering the least exciting dirty talk imaginable (“Proceed”). Aaron Paul makes an appearance as Joshua, Moses’ eventual successor, but he isn’t given much to do except shout “Moshe!” at crucial moments in the narrative.

Only in Ramses II, played with spirit and copious amounts of eyeliner by Joel Edgerton, do we get some semblance of a multi-dimensional character. Ramses is pained by the suffering of his family and his people, but he cannot bring himself to concede to the one thing that would rid Egypt of the plagues. He rages over the insubordination of the man whom he once thought of as a brother. He seems bewildered by Moses’ allegiance to a God that wipes out a nation of firstborns. But as soon as God begins the wreak havoc in Egypt, the interactions between Moses and Ramses become too clipped to feel substantial. At one point, rather than show up to the great palace in person, Moses sends Ramses a white horse with a warning written on its side. I think this is supposed to be menacing in a Godfather-y sort of way, but it really isn’t.

I will say that unlike some other biblical epics (ahem, Noah), Exodus looks great. The film is shot against a vast expanse of creamy sands and looming mountains. There are mudslides, and hailstorms, and some pretty epic croc attacks that usher in the first plague by tainting the Nile with human blood. The parting of the Red Sea—essentially the climax of the whole story—is pretty underwhelming though. For some reason, in a movie about a man who talks to God and ushers in a sequence of divinely-ordained plagues, the filmmakers decided that this would be a good time to affect some realism. As the Israelites prepare for their crossing, the Red Sea simply froths and dries up without much ceremony—not unlike the trajectory of this film.

(Image: 20th Century Fox)

The post In ‘Exodus: Gods and Kings,’ Turgid Dialogue Plagues a Great Story appeared first on Jewcy.

This is episode 26.3 of OMGWTFBIBLE, featuring David Tuchman and Michael Schreiber—the last OMGWTFBIBLE in the U.S. for 2014. This time around, God responds to the Israelites’ “whining” by throwing food at them. As gods do. And we learned that Marx totally plagiarized the whole “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need” schtick from the Torah.

Also, in this final piece of episode 26, David finally responds to all those religious guests who refuse to say God’s name. And Michael lets David know what he really thinks about the show. Listen to it all here!

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. The next live show will be recorded at the Limmud conference in England in late December, but David will be hosting an open mic in New York before he departs for the U.K.! Bring your most horrible holiday stories to Beauty Bar on December 22 at 7:30 PM and share them with the world!

(Image: The Big Lebowski.)

The post OMGWTFBIBLE: A Great Jewish Tradition Begins—Kvetching About Food appeared first on Jewcy.

Here it is! The massive, water-filled set piece! One of the last action scenes in the Bible for a very long time! God murdering so many people! It’s all in episode 26.2 of OMGWTFBIBLE, featuring David Tuchman and Michael Schreiber.

This is the big event God’s been prepping for for centuries. It all goes down this week. But more importantly, Michael and David explore a problem with the casting of Christian Bale as Moses that hasn’t come up elsewhere. What’s the problem? Who would they cast? Listen to it all here!

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. The next live show will be recorded at the Limmud conference in England in late December, but David will be hosting an open mic in New York before he departs for the U.K.! Bring your most horrible holiday stories to Beauty Bar on December 22 at 7:30 PM and share them with the world!

(Image: Christian Bale as Moses in Exodus: Gods and Kings, duh)

The post OMGWTFBIBLE: High Drama on the Reed Sea appeared first on Jewcy.

Have you ever set a plan in motion and slowly watched the pieces move into place? Did that plan involve pretty much murdering a country’s entire army in cold blood? If so, you’re just like Yehovah in episode 26.1 of OMGWTFBIBLE, preparing the Reed Sea (A.K.A. the Red Sea) for his planned drowning of the Egyptians.

This episode, host David Tuchman is joined by ad exec and Modern Orthodox Jew Michael Schreiber to read “Beshalach,” the fourth portion in the book of Exodus. The Reed Sea is about to split in two, and Michael has a lot to say about the forces that are dividing the Jewish community. Listen to it all here!

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. The next live show will be recorded at the Limmud conference in England in late December, but David will be hosting an open mic in New York before he departs for the U.K.! Bring your most horrible holiday stories to Beauty Bar on December 22 at 7:30 PM and share them with the world!

(Image: Moses splitting the Reed/Red Sea in The Ten Commandments)

The post OMGWTFBIBLE: God Plans to Obliterate Egypt’s Entire Army in Cold Blood appeared first on Jewcy.

And they’re out! In Episode 25.4 of OMGWTFBIBLE, featuring David Tuchman, Rishe Groner, and a very irreverent translation of the Hebrew Bible, the Hebrews finally leave Egypt.

That’s right, the long slog through slavery is done! Now it’s time for a long slog through the desert. Listen to it all right here.

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

(Photo credit: Timothy A. Clary/Getty Images)

Check back here in a week for the next installment of OMGWTFBIBLE. David will be reading the next live show with Michael Schreiber at Beauty Bar on November 24!

The post OMGWTFBIBLE: In Which the Israelites Finally Peace Out of Egypt appeared first on Jewcy.