I get it. In a sea of red and green, you want to loudly represent the blue. What’s the harm in that? Be proud! That’s not my concern.

But why the hell are we still marketing Judaism as quirky Christianity? 

Over a century ago, a bunch of American rabbis came together in a conference called The Pittsburgh Platform and long story short, they decided that Jews were no longer a nation, but a religious community like any other–specifically Christians and Muslims.

It was an attempt to modernize Judaism and allow American Jews to assimilate into the fabric of the United States. This idea had a lot of influence to say the least, and it still lingers in the way many of my American Jewish brethren see themselves today.

But if you have read any of the scathing infographics from the rightfully angry Jews in your Instagram circles, you know this isn’t true. We know that Judaism is not just a religion but also an ethnicity, that a rejection of Jewish nationhood is not reflective of the relationship Jews from around the world share, and most obviously, that our belief system is completely different from those of Christianity and Islam. We all agree Judeo-Christian is not a thing at this point, right?

Look, I don’t blame these rabbis. Wrong as they were, they were just reacting to a society which has always been reluctant to accept us. They were trying to help Judaism survive, and surely non-Jews not caring enough to understand us played a huge part too. But… one thing leads to another, and thinking of Judaism as a kooky Christianity most certainly paved the way for Hanukkah as “Blue Christmas.”

If Christmas is Christians’ most important holiday, then Hanukkah, which falls around the same time, must be ours. It must be a culmination of all things Jew-ey and Jewish-ey, with the oys and the veys and the gimel, dalet, heis. Add a dash of gentile-steered corporate crazy, some good ol’ Jewish overcompensation, and BAM! We’ve got Hanukkah gnomes, Magen David Santa hats, and of course, the ever-dazzling Hanukkah sweater.

And listen, Hanukkah sweaters, in theory, are probably the least problematic product of this whole balagan. (Don’t even get me started on the Hanukkah Bush.) Truth is, a lot of our culture and traditions are born out of being the other, some even inspired by the larger cultures we live within. And that’s okay! Hanukkah gifts became a thing just so we wouldn’t be jealous of Christian children, and you won’t see me complaining. The problem is that these products are made from a complete misunderstanding of who we are as a people and what we are celebrating. So, we’re stuck with a hoard of with slogans like:

Oy to the World,

Deck the Halls with Matzo Balls,

Jew-dolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,

Happy Llama-kah,

Challah at Me,

And even the raunchy, You Little Horah.

First of all, I am Sephardic so if I’m decking the halls with anything it’s going to be sambousaks. And secondly, notice how these have absolutely nothing to do with Hanukkah whatsoever?! They’re just goyishe holiday phrases with a Jew-ey pun jammed in. The others are just cliché Yiddishisms on knitwear, usually accompanied by illustrations of the most generic and recognizable Jewish symbols like an Orthodox man with peyos (yikes), stars of David, or the most Jewishiest of all… a reindeer with menorah antlers? What the hell?

Hanukkah sweaters are so ridiculous that they’re almost funny except… a lot of Jewish people buy them and wear them.

Like I said before, I get it. Being proudly, outwardly Jewish in a predominantly non-Jewish society is hard, especially when others don’t fully understand our culture. But instead of dumbing down our traditions and our identity to nothing, can’t we stand out in a way that’s authentic to our two-thousand-year-old-peoplehood? And at the bare minimum, in a way that even peripherally relates to what we are celebrating? 

And honestly, if you want to get some Hanukkah-wear, go for it. Who am I to stop you? (Personally, I’d go with a “I like you a latke” or “spin my dreidel” situation.) But let’s stop minimizing ourselves for the non-Jewish world. Let’s remember who we are. We are more than just a piece blue fabric and comic relief in a TV show.

And most importantly, let’s remember that Hanukkah is about a violent revolt against a kingdom who wanted to abolish Jewish culture–not “the light” and “the dark” and “Tikkun Olam.” It was a war against colonizers who tried to ravage our temple and take our property–in no other than Zion, by the way… Hanukkah, chaverim and chaverot, is as anti-assimilation as it gets.

Put that on a sweater.

The post Is It Time to Retire Hanukkah Sweaters? appeared first on Jewcy.

Rihannukah may be an obvious pun but that doesn’t make it any less amazing when Drake raps about them both on SNL and makes them rhyme, or when you can buy greeting cards with the mashup.

But now, elevating what could be a one-off pun to its next level, Amy Schiller, the creator of the Beyonceder brings you another pop diva Jewish holiday with Rihannukah memes.

Enjoy a few examples, with RiRi lyrics in the context of the Festival of Lights:

And of course, this calls for a revisit of Schiller’s OG meme project, “Hey Girl Happy Hannukah,” in which Ryan Gosling seductively invites you to celebrate Chanukah (and other Jewish festivals).

For example:

Happy Chanukah. And Beyoncé bless us, every one.

Images courtesy Amy Schiller

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Chanukah is a great holiday for kids. Games, fried foods, lighting candles— add in the Americanization of the holiday with gifts, and it’s an easy favorite.

Plus, there’s the simple narrative of the holiday— the dual miracles of the impossible war, and the oil that burned for eight days. But there’s lots we don’t bother to tell kids about the holiday, that, I have learned, really piques their attention. Use your best judgment— don’t tell a kindergartener about a man being crushed to death, for example. And some of the fascinating geopolitics might be a bit sophisticated for even the most precocious of tykes. But here are some great ways to make a Jewish child question their entire holiday experience up to this point:

1. The story really starts with Alexander the Great.

OK, you do need a kid nerdy enough to appreciate the historical connection, but if they’re Jewish, the odds aren’t necessarily against you. The villain of our story after all, Antiochus, was really Antiochus the IV. The kids almost certainly won’t know how the Seleucids came to be in possession of ancient Judea— when Alexander’s generals divided up their late leader’s empire like it was a giant cake.

2. Judah the Maccabee died during the War. In fact, most of the brothers died.

Our heroes are the sons of the priest Mattathias, especially the middle of the five— Judah. What we don’t bother to tell kids is that Judah didn’t live to see the end of the war, after walking into a bloodbath rather retreating. Watch their eyes grow wide as you break it to them. And he was far from the only core member of the gang to die, which brings us to:

3. One word: Eleazer.

Judah’s brother Eleazar had a notoriously sticky end. In battle, the Syrian-Greeks brought out elephants, because if you had an elephant, wouldn’t you? Anyway, Eleazar charged the elephant, spearing it in the stomach. What happened next in retrospect was sort of obvious; the dying elephant fell up Eleazar, killing him.

The best part? The Jews didn’t even win that battle.

4. The post-victory government imploded pretty much immediately.

We tell kids proudly how the Maccabees won the day and ejected Seleucid rule. We usually end the story right there. Admit to the child in your life that attempts to create a stable government in the aftermath of the war lasted like 70 years and then collapsed in a heap when the corrupt monarchy ended in everyone assassinating one another like it was Game of Thrones. (Why is a kid watching Game of Thrones!?) Don’t worry kids, you still get gelt.

5. Chanukah is pretty much Sukkot.

Listen, you don’t need to tell a kid that the miracle of the oil “may not have happened,” unless you want to have a huge conversation about the evolution of Judaism and the way we create and then codify faith-based narratives. But you can also gently point out that Chanukah is the same length as Sukkot— the Maccabees were fighting so long and hard for the Temple that they had to put off the High Holy Day’s celebration until the winter. What will they do with this information? That’s up to their tiny little minds.

6. Giving Chanukah presents is only because of Christmas envy.

Sorry, kids. We know you want to insist to your gentile friends that Chanukah is just as good as Christmas, but the presents you so covet are because your great-grandparent immigrants saw the Macy’s holiday windows one too many times and snapped. Back in the old country, you would get a kopek and a potato, and be grateful.

And so, blow a child’s mind this holiday season! Let us know how it goes, and you’re welcome.

Image: Gustave Doré’s “The Death of Eleazar” via Wikimedia.

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Chanukah has always been regarded as a holiday about resistance. So in these #metoo times of women speaking truth to power, you can make sure your celebration includes the story of a courageous woman rising up to defeat a fearsome enemy. The Book of Judith is coming back.

In this story, the ancient people of Bethulia block the path to Jerusalem of an invading Seleucid army. Furious, the bloodthirsty General Holofernes lays siege. As water supplies dwindle and infants and elders fall sick, the starving population prepares to surrender.

Enter our badass hero, a childless widow with a bold plan. Judith convinces the Bethulians to give her a few days to save the city. She uses her last drops of water to bathe and dresses in her finest robes. She laces up her sandals to show off her smooth ankles and heads down the mountain to the enemy camp. She convinces Holofernes that she has information critical to his success and will betray her people because they are no longer following their strict religious diet. (OK, they are starving to death and trying to survive, but luckily Holofernes isn’t up to date on his Torah studies.) Holofernes and his men are a little nervous about the strange Hebrew God who, rumor has it, sent plagues down on the Egyptians, so they welcome Judith as a turncoat. They even throw her a party.

At the bacchanal, Judith shares her goat cheese with the general, a salty snack that leaves him thirsty. When she gets him alone in his bedroom (she wore those sexy sandals for a reason) she plies him with wine until he passes out drunk. She then uses his own sword to cut off his head, which she carries back up to Bethulia in her cheese basket. Judith’s success inspires her people, who rally to chase off the invaders. The story of Judith is sung throughout Judea, encouraging her relatives, the Maccabees, to rise up against their oppressors. But we all know that part of the story.

Judith’s cunning and bravery has been resurrected throughout history as a symbol of the weak challenging authority. An iconic painting by Artemisia Gentileschi shows the artist herself as Judith, slashing the head off of a Holofernes that resembles Gentileschi’s rapist. In Florence, a statue by Donatello bears the inscription “Behold the neck of pride severed by the hand of humility,” referring to Medici rule. One of the Chanukah lamps decorated by a triumphant Judith is said to represent Empress Maria Theresa of Austria standing up against Frederick the Great in 1741. The list goes on.

Some Sephardic communities have celebrated Judith for centuries. Traditionally, the seventh night of Hanukkah is reserved for, chag habanot, or Festival of the Daughters. Women study Torah, celebrate their daughters, and enjoy special treats prepared by the men. These treats are dairy based in honor of the cheese Judith used to trick Holofernes.

American Jews are now reinventing the Festival of the Daughters tradition. Why not indulge in wine and cheese one night of Hanukkah and tell her story? Why not use one of the fantastic recipes out there to make cheese latkes? Why not let the men cook and clean one night so the women can rest and tell our own stories?

And these day, with women risking everything to tell our stories, to run for office, to #resist in these crazy times, we all could use a little more courage every day. Perhaps celebrating the story of Judith at Chanukah will embolden us as we march forward into our own battles.

Melina Selverston-Scher is a writer based in San Francisco. She recently completed a historical novel based on the story of Judith and Holofernes called For You and All of Us. Her blog is: What Would Judith Do.

Gentileschi’s painting via Wikimedia.

The post This Chanukah, Fight Misogyny with Wine and Cheese appeared first on Jewcy.

After my father died we had to clear the apartment he kept his office in, and my mother started collecting old menorahs from thrift stores. I still can’t go past a window display with some old Jew’s cast-offs without wondering when that was last lit, and how.

I saw the first on top

of a book case, hiding, funereal

and black as a cenotaph

tucked behind my father’s photo.

The next was on the ledge

of the window and she showed it

– opening the tiny frame

in the heart that contained ten commandments.

The last one (recently acquired)

was stone in part, and green amethyst

(or look-alikes) bejewelled the cups

where the candles, if it were used, would be put.

Why she should collect the lamps

of the dead, who don’t light their candles,

take them home instead and light

just her own one  I could not say.

But she stands running her hands

on the candle cups. Her doctor mentioned:

“You can’t just leave them. It’s a call.”

And my mother agreed, bought a new set

and when she lights it is the first

of at least ten that gleams

in the gloom of the back room.

It’s a cold room.

I notice my father’s room;

their bedroom, where he died, a sad room.

It has light now and flowers

but still you can’t help hearing him, groaning.

She says, “There really aren’t

that many lamps in junk shops,”

as more and more Jews die

and their sons clear their house for scrap.

She says, “Only this one, and that.

You can’t leave them. In shops

You have to rescue them.” She hangs

a hand on the brass candle cup.

We take candles wherever we go

something requires that we light

before full dark – it isn’t law,

it is the need for someone else to see the match.

If you find a lamp – please do not leave it –

somehow you’ll find your way back

to when you were at home, and light was with someone

and a spark fell before dark.

Atar Hadari’s “Songs from Bialik” was a finalist for the American Literary Translators’ Association Award. His Pen Translates award winning “Lives of the Dead: Poems of Hanoch Levin” is out from Arc Publications in January 2018.

Image via Wikimedia

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Let’s be plain: there are not many good Chanukah movies. For the children, there is the Rugrats Chanukah special. For the adults… It’s A Wonderful Life? (One can only imagine a restless Jewish station manager conspiring to schedule as the yearly Christmas viewing a movie that is 98% human misery and only 2% Christmas.) However, blessed is the Disney Channel, for from this unlikely place came one of our only modern Chanukah classics (the other, of course, being The Hebrew Hammer in all its exploitation glory), Full-Court Miracle.

Inspired partly by the true story of ex-Sixer Joe “Jellybean” Bryant, who coached the girls of Akiba Hebrew Academy so his son (Kobe—you might have heard of him) could play basketball at nearby Lower Merion High, and partly by the real-life Lamont Carr, 2003’s Full-Court Miracle tells a fable of five Philly day school kids and their quest to win a local basketball tournament. There’s T.J., whose temper can only be cooled by his passion for Rebecca Bloomberg; Joker, mouthy and sardonic; Ben, the fat one; Stick, a leggy nice Jewish boy who is clearly the MVP of the movie (he’s the first to dream up that their new coach is Judah Maccabee, is endearingly bookish, and even scores the winning points with his hook shot); and Alex “Schlotz” Schlotzky, our pint-sized, basketball-obsessed hero.

When Schlotz is tired of losing to a team of the most obviously villainous opponents since the 80s, he stumbles upon a former college basketball star, Lamont Carr, who the boys believe to be a reincarnated Judah Maccabee (a classic, I know). A series of obstacles ensue and are overcome, and along the way we all learn the true meaning of Chanukah.

It’s really a miracle that this movie exists at all. Nothing else stands like it in the canon of Disney Channel Original Movies, a staple of many childhoods, with a new movie featuring snowboarding or surfing or motorbiking teens each month. (Sadly for kids today, these are released with much less frequency.)

In Full Court Miracle, there are menorahs on every surface, so you know these characters are really Jewish. The sports-fanatic rabbi has a running joke asking “is there something on your mind beside a yarmulke?” There are explanations of chukim (Lamont responds to the idea with a saying of his grandmother’s about how if we knew everything God knew, we would be God ourselves). There is a moment of tension when, at the Shabbos table, Lamont asks for a glass of milk with his chopped liver—even though, of course, he just ate chopped liver with his gefilte fish. There is a Dreidel, Dreidel rap remix. (I don’t think it can be overstated how much of classic this movie is.)

On the other hand, it’s unbelievable no one made this movie before. Chanukah really is the ultimate sports movie, if you consider sports movies at their hearts to be underdog stories. Who has ever been more underdog than the Maccabees? (Think of how many Jewish sports organizations are somehow Maccabee-derived.) Full-Court Miracle merely mashes up the genres to create the optimal version of the Chanukah story. Instead of the Syrian-Greeks, we have the Warriors—yes, the Warriors—led by the sneering Tyler, who is so evil he calls a timeout to end the final game, and his over-the-top coach, who is begging for a mustache to twirl. Instead of Judah, there is an ex-ballplayer with bad knees who lives in a van down by the river. (License plate: JM 165.) Instead of the hills of Judea, there is a facsimile Philadelphia. And the climax of the movie models both miracles of Chanukah when a bunch of Jewish kids succeed where they are not supposed to by outlasting their rivals and a backup generator overextending its fuel supply.

Of course, this idea makes up the DNA of most Jewish sports movies: when the world isn’t a level playing field, let the playing field level the world.  Even Ernest Hemingway noted it, in his more-than-vaguely anti-Semitic portrait of Robert Cohn in The Sun Also Rises: “Robert Cohn was once middleweight boxing champion of Princeton… He cared nothing for boxing, in fact he disliked it, but he learned it painfully and thoroughly to counteract the feeling of inferiority and shyness he had felt on being treated as a Jew at Princeton.”

Consider School Ties, where the protagonist is a Jewish quarterback in an anti-Semitic 50s boarding school, who bests his detractors in the end zone. Consider Chariots of Fire, where the protagonist is a Jewish runner in an anti-Semitic 20s university, who bests his detractors on the track. Consider Race, where in the midst of Jesse Owens’ story, Marty Glickman and Sam Stoller cheesily flash their Star of David necklaces in the faces of Nazi guards. Each feels freakish and undermined, and so responds with feats of greatness, avenging themselves and their people in an arena where disadvantages can be surmounted.

To reflect inward a moment, Full-Court Miracle feels like a movie that was designed almost specifically for me: Jews, sports, loving shots of the Philly skyline, Allen Iverson jerseys. But I can sympathize with Schlotz and his Lions even more because my alma mater once cooked up an experiment as to whether or not a Jewish day school could front a competitive tackle football team. There were even pep rallies and cheerleaders. (My school sport was geography, and no, we did not have pep rallies or cheerleaders.) It went about as well as could be expected, but we kept the orthopedic surgeons sharp that season.

The lesson here is not in the failure, but in what makes Full-Court Miracle such a universal movie: it is ultimately about dreams. Dreams we have and dreams we shouldn’t have, dreams we reach for even though we’re told we can’t accomplish them and dreams that change as we change. Maybe a yeshiva boy shouldn’t dream of playing in the NBA, but neither was Judah Maccabee expected to liberate his people. Which is why this is the Chanukah classic we all deserve—because in the face of insurmountable odds, what is really to fail is to never try at all. (And because of the Dreidel, Dreidel rap remix. Of course.)

Image via YouTube

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At what point do we appreciate these seasonal crumbs, and at what point do we turn it into an opportunity to kvetch? Is it nice to be included at all, or do the generic blue decorations smack of insincerity? Isn’t there anyone who knows what Chanukah is all about?

If it’s not worth engaging in debates about the commercialization of Chanukah (the very fact that we give gifts for it mean that ship sailed long ago), we can still nitpick about one thing: Merchandizing accuracy.

A Christmas tree doesn’t need to look like anything; there’s no real right or wrong with the way to depict it on your gay apparel. Chanukah, on the other hand, is full of technicalities, some of which are confusing to even regular practitioners (wait, do I light the Menorah starting from my right or the window’s right?). And so, if we take a closer look at seasonal Jewish products, you can start to notice some pretty mistakes, big and small.

For example, Target came out with a Chanukah-print dress and jumper this year— but if you look closely, you’ll notice that the letters on the dreidl seem to be going left to right; the hey and the gimel spots are reversed. Or more egregiously, a Bonton sweater (currently, somehow, out of stock) depicts a Chanukah menorah as having seven branches, when it has nine… Perhaps they’re simply making a sophisticated reference to the original menorah from the origins of the holiday. (It’s a particular fad— JCrew socks did the same thing— though they generically call them “holiday candle socks.”)

And so, it seems pretty obvious that these retailers create these pieces without talking to an actual Jew, right? Actually, not necessarily.

If you’ve ever listened to a podcast, you’ve heard an ad for MeUndies— their underwear is hella soft, they have a subscription service for a monthly pair, they make fun prints, etc. And this year, in time for the holiday season, they have released a limited edition print (available for multiple genders, in several different styles): “Joy Vey.”

OK, let’s play a fun game and figure out the two major mistakes on this pair of Jewish underwear:

You find them? The first is that yes, once again, the chanukiyah has only seven branches. The other is the dreidl. It’s not that it’s upside-down— it’s the fact that it has a Bet on it. Now, some dreidls have a Pey where others have a Shin depending where in the world you are, but no dreidls ever have the Hebrew letter Bet.

MeUndies kindly responded to Jewcy for comment, and admitted— they have latke on their face.

“This pair was designed by our creative director, Tyler King, who is indeed Jewish,” said a company rep. “But it doesn’t stop there. Our founder, VP of marketing, head of brand marketing, and CEO are all Jewish and were so excited to release this pair. We felt that Hanukkah has always been underrepresented during the holidays in the U.S., and we hoped this would be a nod to what we always wished for growing up.”

So… what went wrong?

“In our feverish excitement around releasing a print with a Hanukkah theme, we overlooked some key flaws to the design… Tyler, our designer, has told us his family will remind him for the rest of his life about the time he goofed on this Hanukkah print. We pride ourselves on being an inclusive brand, but human error will creep in every so often. These underwear will now live on as a collector’s item and a representation of the time we messed up something that was so close to our hearts.”

And so, what’s the lesson here? An argument for stronger Jewish education to prevent such mistakes? That Jewish-themed apparel needs a mashgiach? That we should all just stop complaining and chill out? (No, definitely not that last one.)

Certainly, it reminds us that it’s not just misguided Gentiles creating off-kilter Chanukah goods. And if Jews can’t muddle our own traditions, who can?

The post Chanukah Fails: Merch Gone Wrong appeared first on Jewcy.

It may be hard to think of a time post-Chanukah, but it’s sooner than you think. And in that week between Christmas and New Years, when you’ve run out of excuses to get out of the house, we present you with one more: Jewcy’s end-of-year, Notakkah party!

We will be celebrating by watching the greatest Chanukah film of all time— The Hebrew Hammer. Conspiracies! Romance! Evil Santa! How does the 2003 film hold up? Well, we may be getting a sequel soon, so now’s the time to re-watch and decide for yourself!

Plus, for an amazing treat after the movie, the film’s creator Jonathan Kesselman will be virtually visiting us for a short video interview!

The shindig is Thursday, December 28th at Halyards Bar (406 3rd Avenue) in Brooklyn.

RSVP on Facebook here!

Doors open at 7 p.m., and we’ll start the movie promptly at 7:30. That will wrap up around 9, and we’ll then have about an hour or so of music, food, surprises, and more.

Admission is free, with a 2-drink minimum.

Including: Did you receive a Chanukah (or other holiday) present that you don’t want? Sweater the wrong size with no gift receipt? A book you already own? Something you just hate? No judgment! Just bring it to the party, and we’ll pool the reject gifts and redistribute them— socialism style! From each according to her Chanukah ability, to each according to her Chanukah need! Heck, bring your leftover chocolate gelt; someone will want it!

Let’s have a party; we’ll all dance the hora.

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As New York City is decked in faux snow, scattered with twinkle lights and smelling of pine thanks to the epic Rockerfeller tree, us Jews are only days past digging into our sad excuse for a Thanksgiving meal. In the homes of Jewy Jews, Thanksgiving marks a harvest festival without a key ingredient. And so, I typically grip my Venti gingerbread latte in its adorably Christmas themed Starbucks cup each Thanksgiving morn as I take a moment to mourn the sad absence of butter in the infamously fleyshik feast. While we typically get a week or so between what soon turns into the most gluttonous month of the year, this year the masters of the lunar calendar had a more permanent food baby in mind when they managed to let Hanukkah and its latkes land itself immediately after we’ve stuffed ourselves full of Americana. With all the eating to fit in, there is not much time to prepare for eight nights of gift giving. And so, I thought I would take the liberty of assembling some quick solutions for catering to the wishlists of your friends and family.

For the Tech-Savvy Teen: After you’ve spent the year spoiling your teen with various gadgets, Echo’s Touch Gloves ensure their little fingers won’t catch frostbite as they punch in your credit card number to download the latest apps this winter. With styles ranging from your basic winter wear to more stylized driving gloves, your tween will not be sacrificing fashion for function as he or she skis down the slopes to the “WASPy Sporting” playlist they’ve created on their new iPod Touch. Sold in a variety of colors and textiles makes unisex gifting as simple as shopping online. Echo Touch Gloves, $25.00 – $78.00 are available at Bloomingdales nationwide and at echodesign.com.

For the Happy Hostess: While the average Jewish man believes that this title should apply to any and every Jewish female, there are few among us who truly epitomize what it means to be a ruffled apron wearing, cupcake baking, overwhelmingly perky happy hostess. These mini Martha Stewarts smile at the sheer thought of brining a whole turkey and find it essential and normal for their homes to consistently smell of something freshly baked. These ladies collect vintage kitchen trinkets the common chef would have no use for and surprisingly, love their booze as much as they do a perfectly butchered piece of meat. Selecting a trinket they are bound to not have picked up in the chaos of pre-holiday food preparations is sure to get you invited to their gourmet holiday soiree. Anthropologie’s Castle Key Bottle Opener and Dining Room Measuring Spoons are perfect for poppin’ corks, takin’ names and preparing the adorable little bar snacks she will not be able to resist whipping up. The Castle Key Bottle Opener, $12.00, and the Dining Room Measuring Spoons, $24.00, are available online or at Anthropologie stores.

For the Buttoned-Up Prep: For the girl who will likely be receiving more than her fair share of button down oxfords and bland winter scarves this season, its your job to spice things up. Knowing fair well that you will find her at holiday parties and on New Years Eve dressed as a standard Plain Jane, gift her an item that won’t take her too far out of her comfort zone but can still unleash the fun-loving edge she’s been keeping hidden behind those starched collars. Christian Louboutin is beloved even by the conservative set and selecting a pair you know she would never choose on her own is key. Turning any dress into a holiday look is simple when sporting these Ron Ron pumps. Their all over sparkle makes them versatile and simple enough to be paired with almost any cocktail dress. This works out well for Plain Jane – you know that having to put together complex, fashion forward looks makes her as uncomfortable as vacationing outside of Martha’s Vineyard. Christian Louboutin Ron Ron Pumps, $595.00, are available at Barneys New York and on their website.

For the Acquaintance: Whether it be in the form of a colleague, friend of a friend or an all too amicable distant relative, having good manners turns gift giving into an instant unpleasantry when they present you with a perfectly wrapped token of your supposed bond. Feeling the need to reciprocate when presented with a beautiful gift from someone who until now you thought you had all figured out is not as simple as the designer cashmere scarf they had wrapped for you, their supposed best friend. Preparing yourself for said awkward situation with an affordable, elegant and thoughtful gift option gives you a one up on this presumptuous gifter. Sending anyone a box of artisinal chocolates from Gail Ambrosius Chocolatier infused with flavors as exciting as earl grey, saffron and sweet curry and shiitake mushroom  is a sophisticated way to appear as though you’d planned it all along. Gail Ambrosius’ truffles, $22.00 for a box of 12, are available on her website.

For the Girl Who Has Everything: You know her and you love to hate her, she somehow has everything and you have the means and desire to buy her something lavish she has yet to acquire on her own. This is where you should find yourself competing with the closet of your giftee – its your job to get her something current, exciting and frivolous that she has not yet seen but that can keep up with the labels she is accustomed to. Proceed with caution – if you have read any of my pieces before you likely know that when left to my own devices, I always take the time to recommend you buy something completely stunning, financially daunting and all things considered, totally unnecessary. That being said, this special gift recipient would thank me for suggesting you buy her this jeweled Lanvin shoulder bag. I consider jewelry to be far too sentimental to gift on a whim, but this glittery, holiday evoking piece is just perfect. Lanvin’s Jeweled Nyota Shoulder Bag, $2,890.00, is available at Barney’s New York or on their website.

For the Sartorial Gentleman: Whether they come with or without hefty bank accounts, there is a new breed of man that I cannot help but find devilishly attractive. Such is a breed of male that regardless of budget truly cares how he looks, smells and how often he grooms. He drinks single malt scotch, takes the time to shop vintage and yet remains undoubtedly rugged and masculine. For this chic magnet, I love gifting a few items I know he’ll never purchase for himself but would appreciate owning.  Byredo Parfums took the time to honor this sartorialist with their Fantastic Man Collection which makes the perfect gift for those who secretly enjoy smelling clean, fresh yet unique and factor that appreciation for hygiene into what makes them an uber man. The Fantastic Man Collection, $45.00 – $195.00, is available at Barneys New York or on the Byredo website.

For the Flipped-Out Frummie: For that friend of yours who went rogue for most of your college experience and who you later found out was spending most of their time at Hillel, it is important to honor the traditions they have committed to while providing them with a way to do so stylishly. For those who care far more about lighting the Hanukkah candles at exactly the right time post-sundown than they do their home decor, pick up this Jonathan Adler Hex Enamel Menorah which is certainly spiritual yet tastefully modern. sending them something a relative should have been nice enough to gift them at their Bar Mitzvah is a thoughtful way to insist that you really do understand the tradition that lurks behind the gift giving and delicious fried nibbles. The Hex Enamel Menorah, $295.00, is available at JonathanAdler.com.

For the Young Fashionista: For twenty somethings on a budget or pre-teens well-ahead of their J.A.Pdom, gifting something festive and holiday evoking while remaining affordable is key. To me, anything with sparkle fits the bill for a perfect holiday token and when it comes to affordable luxuries, fashion lovers are looking to beauty products, particularly nailpolish, to give them the fresh, exciting rush one gets from sporting a new ensemble. Gifting a single nail color can seem a little slighting so opting for the perfect set can be ideal for youthful fashion lovers. Deborah Lippmann’s All That Jazz Collection has versatile colors that are both on-trend and age appropriate for spreading all kinds of seasons greetings. I’d plan to sport the sapphire glitter polish for the eight nights of Hanukkah and swap it in for the ruby glitter when I attend my office Christmas party. For the rest of the season, the warmth and sparkle of the blush glitter will keep me smiling as each time I done and remove my gloves. The All That Jazz Trio, $40.00, is available on DeborahLippmann.com.

For Your Wife [not your Mistress]: Jewelry aside, shopping for one’s spouse is typically tricky, primarily when lingerie is concerned. While a wife would tend to purchase super sexy separates with her husband in mind, gifting an intimate item that is more for her than for you could be the personal touch you were hoping to achieve. The perfect cross between loungewear and lingerie is key in this case, and selecting an item in a delicate fabric ensures that all things selfishly raunchy get saved for later. Kiki de Montparnasse does sexy yet ladylike intimates and loungewear better than anyone and is perfect for both naughty and nice gifting. This time around, opt for their Wrap Teddy in a warm and luxe rose color. While choosing something special and feminine that is as comfortable as her sweats can say, “I appreciate you,” presenting your wife with an unsolicited box of naughty intimates can scream, “I accidentally swapped your gift with my mistress'” Kiki de Montparnasse Wrap Teddy, $195.00, is available at Barneys.com and in Kiki de Montparnasse boutiques worldwide.

For the Closet Fatty: This indulgent lady or gentleman relishes in the nights they get to take dessert to go and enjoy it in sweatpants, in peace and quiet on their living room couch. For this sweet-toothed foodie, eating dessert when full from one’s entree just is not the same as saving it for later when it can be properly savored as a pre-midnight snack. But, for the nights when you hope they are looking for something sweet without the added calories, Laduree Mini Perfumed Candles transport anyone to a lavish tea service at the famed Parisian macaron shop without contributing to one’s love handles. Pick up Laduree’s perfumed duo of fresh strawberry and sweet brioche mini votives, $50.00, at Opening Ceremony stores worldwide or on OpeningCeremony.us.

While you may not have a sartorial gentleman, a girl lucky enough to have everything or a JAPpy tween in your life, one of these exciting gifts is certain to put a smile on the face of any friend lucky enough to receive them. Whatever gift you choose to present to your loved ones, be sure to remove all price tags and pair it with a sentimental, handwritten card – nobody likes a gift from a disingenuous cheap-o.

To read more from Carrie Goldberg, visit her blog at ThisIsMPC.com.

*Header image brilliantly styled by Randi Brookman Harris for InStyle.

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I gotta hand it to The Jewish Journal for their tasty looking “Double Down Latke Sanwich,” but as a proud carnivore, I need something I can sink my teeth into a little bit more.  So, may I introduce the famous “Levitz Hanukkah Meat Sandwich” made by my family around Hanukkah. Somewhat similar, but not really…

• Preheat oven to 250°F.  You’re gonna need this to store the latkes in.

• You could peel potatoes and coarsely grate, directly into a large bowl of cold water.  Or you can just buy them shredded.  Your call.

• If you choose the long way, soak potatoes for a few minutes

• Spread grated potatoes, chopped garlic and onions on a kitchen towel, roll up and wring out as much liquid as possible.

• Transfer potato mixture to a bowl and stir in egg and salt.  Add a pinch of matzo meal and a dash of pepper.

• Heat a large skillet. Add enough oil to cover the bottom plus a bit more. Get the oil hot but don’t burn it. Spoon in the potato mixture into skillet, spreading with the back of the spoon into 3 or 4-inch rounds.

• Reduce heat to moderate and cook until undersides are very well browned, about 5 minutes. Turn latkes over and cook until undersides are crispy.

• Transfer to paper towels to drain and season with sea salt.  Keep the latkes warm in the oven.

• Next you get a bunch of brisket, you braise the brisket, and you pour a bunch of BBQ sauce all over it, you put it in between two of the latkes, and BAM!  You’ve got yourself a Levitz Jewish Hanukkah Sandwich.

• Go jog for about ten miles and drink a lot of red wine, because your cholesterol just went up a whole lot.

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