Jesus was not white. This statement is simple enough, and it is truthful, I suppose. (I never assumed he looked like a Renaissance painting because I have common sense, and now we have BBC’s reconstruction, which looks like he would have been profiled by airport security, for sure.) 

But once you give an inch… Now, absolutely everyone wants to claim the lord and savior as theirs. I mean, we’re all obsessed with “representation,” and the son of God is the ultimate cop. Jesus has been Black. He has been Asian. He has been Irish. Jesus has even transcended the racial debate and has been gendered as non-binary. OH, and lest I forget, Jesus has of course been Palestinian. A Palestinian Brown Jew, nonetheless. Might as well have been a sphinx. 

So here’s where the Jews come in. We–and this is a loose ‘we’ thankfully–have resorted to defending ourselves against misinformation and erasure by stating the obvious. Jesus could not have been Palestinian because Palestine did not exist in his lifetime. He was born in the Kingdom of Judea, and the term “Palestine” wasn’t used until more than a century after his death. And I hope I don’t have to explain why he wasn’t Black or Asian because I won’t. Jesus was a Jew. He was Judean, if you will. Fine.

There are, of course, those of us who are going as far as to say Jesus was Mizrahi, which is unfortunately as ridiculous as saying he was a Palestinian Jew. If we’re using the argument that he could not be Palestinian because Palestine wasn’t a thing… Well, then neither was the Mizrahi because the diaspora wasn’t a thing either (not as we know it today), and Jesus was also not in it. No sense at all. This argument, apart from being very wrong and using the same non-logic as other communities, seems to one-up the defensiveness of just saying he was a Jew. It’s a little iffy, and this is the sense I get from a lot of the Jewish response.

To put it plainly, my friends, some of you Jews are a little too eager to ‘claim’ Jesus. 

I get it. As Jews, we’re forced to cede our representation all the time now because we’re deemed not worthy of it. But Jesus!? We’ve spent thousands of years distancing ourselves from this man who, by the way, was a heretic according to our tellings, one whose name many religious Jews will not even utter. There was a whole other religion created from him which was used to oppress us, and the cherry on top is we were blamed for his death. Now suddenly he is our poster child? Hashem Yishmor. I’m all for claiming what’s ours, but I will graciously take this ‘L’.

Also, isn’t the whole point of Jesus that he was a beacon of universalism? I claim to be no expert on Christianity, but I’m pretty sure obsessing over Jesus’ race and appearance is counterintuitive to his message, no? The fact that communities want to see themselves in him, and depict him in their own image is not crazy. It’s natural, and I take no issue with it.

I do not care. I don’t! And neither should you. Wasn’t that one of the selling points for Judaism in the first place? That we do not have to care about all this? God knows we have other things to worry about.

Let them claim him. He was one of ours, but he isn’t ours. Ironic as it may be, it is funner this way too and great to watch from afar. What will Jesus be next? Azerbaijani? Losangelino? A teletubby? Vegan? A barb? Maybe he’ll even be Ashkenazi. I bet he likes bagels and klezmer and chopped liver. Happy for him. And ultimately, whatever he is, wherever life takes his legacy, I’ll take comfort in knowing that it’s absolutely none of my business.

The post Jesus Was Ashkenazi appeared first on Jewcy.

The picture she posted to her Instagram account has accrued 66,000 ‘hearts’ in just two days, which probably makes it the most popular Purim costume of all time. She then posted a picture of herself with someone dressed up as Jesus, with the caption “Ive got a friend in Jesus! #revolutionoflove” (sic).

#MarbimBeSimcha, y’all!

Related: Madonna’s Son Rocco Got Bar Mitzvahed This Weekend
Sarah Silverman Talks Reproductive Rights with Jesus Christ

The post Her Madgesty Does Purim, Game of Thrones Style appeared first on Jewcy.

“Using religion to dictate legislation is un-American, but it’s happening,” says comedian and women’s rights activist, Sarah Silverman, in her new five minute short promoting “V to Shining V,” a national reproductive-rights pride day scheduled for September 28th.

Clad in a “Feminist” t-shirt, Sarah was simply grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge when she was visited by THE Jesus Christ–or more like a Jesus Christ supermodel if you ask me.

Before they eat popcorn and watch a riveting episode of NCIS, Jesus asks Sarah to be a messenger for the people, because he’s exceedingly bummed that people are using his name for acts of “intolerance and oppression.”

She asks Jesus when life begins, and he replies, at 40, of course. “Fertilized eggs aren’t people, people are people, but people who believe fertilized eggs are people, are people too, and you have to love them.” Jesus has spoken.

This isn’t Sarah’s first foray into progressive politics. Most recently, Silverman and Zach Galfianakis raised $20,000 for the Texas Abortion Fund at a comedy show called “A Night of A Thousand Vaginas” to benefit women in Texas seeking abortions in the face of prohibitive costs and obstacles by their conservative state legislature.

Enjoy this informational video starring Sarah, Jesus, and little sperm babies (for reals).

(Photo by Getty)

The post Sarah Silverman Talks Reproductive Rights With Jesus Christ appeared first on Jewcy.

• The Harvard basketball coach behind Linsanity? A Jewish kid from Scarsdale. [Tablet]

• H. Jon Benjamin returns as Archer tonight, proving yet again that neurosis and alcoholism are funniest when left in the hands of a Jew. [Slate]

• Jesus was Jewish??? [Huffington Post]

• Nazis still trying to steal Jewish artwork from beyond the grave. [Times of Israel]

• In other news, political women still subjected to games of hot-or-not. You stay classy, Germany. [Haaretz]

• Jon Stewart uses comedy against the NRA because logic and reason can’t seem to make a dent. [The Daily Show]

The post Daily Jewce: The Jewish Coach Behind Linsanity, Jon Stewart and the NRA appeared first on Jewcy.

Get your Kosher Salt fix: Jews with Tattoos
Soliciting Judaism on the Street

Elizabeth Simins is a compulsive doodler living in New York. She splits her time between making paintings, being a production designer, and playing pretentious indie video games. She tweets here.

The post Kosher Salt: Jesus Christ Superstar and Me appeared first on Jewcy.

• Gefilteria, which we profiled earlier this month, gets the Times treatment.

• A look at Barbra Streisand’s look while filming Funny Girl.

• Rachel Shukert points out there are four different Jesuses on the New York stage right now.

• Joan Rivers mocks Alicia Silverstone’s baby-feeding video-gone-viral by chewing food and spitting it into Kelly Osbourne’s mouth.

The post Daily Jewce: Mezuzah Non Grata, Four Jesuses on Broadway, and more appeared first on Jewcy.