That led me and a few other folks to thinking what the best way to settle the dispute as to what exactly the most superior large book of last year was.  Of course since we did this over several pints of beer, we came up with the brilliant idea to take the books and shoot them — and to maybe include a few other notable titles as well.

Somehow, unlike 98% of all the other brilliant drunken ideas that seem to be slept off just prior to experiencing hangover, this one came to fruition.   The good folks at Electric Literature secured a location, and we were finally able to come to the conclusion that Witz by Joshua Cohen, is indeed the best book to have protecting your vital organs if you go into a bad neighborhood.

The post Which Big Book Will Keep You Safe? appeared first on Jewcy.

Two movie trailers have come out in the past few weeks, one called Friends With Benefits (see trailer, NSFW) and one called No Strings Attached (see trailer, somewhat NSFW), that are literally the exact same premise, but with different, semi-interchangeable actors.

One is with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman (does this strike anyone else as strange that NP would choose this role? She’s all about artsy/angsty/social justice-y let me portray someone effed up in a somewhat indie romantic comedy and I’ll wear a helmet because I have epilepsy and still look hot) and the other is with someone else and someone else. (I had to check, it’s Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. JT acting again. Oy.)

Literally, they’re the same movie. I watched both trailers.

The following is NOT A SPOILER JUST A HYPOTHETICAL AS I WAX POETIC ON THE BUS BACK FROM FILTHADELPHIA (FFJD does the bus? I know, but lets be real bloggoramalamadingdonging isn’t the most lucrative. Not to mention Free City shirts are pretty expensive. So in that case I’ll just sit in front of a monk, which is literally not a joke and I would provide a Twitpic if it weren’t heinously offensive, and the driver picking his nose and flicking it out the window. Feel bad for me. My money was better spent on edgy 3.1 Phillip Lim cropped pants to wear every day and bitch that my ankles are frigid. Which they will be. But it’s for fahshun. I can’t believe this is all still in parentheticals.)

Anyway, the movies both go (judging from the previews): hookylookin oh fun casual booty up turns into everyone falling for everyone else and then a moment of running towards the airport gate (which is tricky in movies today to portray the level of security….like maybe a cute kid in Love Actually could get away with this but if you’re a grown man you’re going to get bodychecked and a full cavity inspection. Not as in your teeth.) Snooze.

However, both movies/I think they might have been filmed on the same lot and split up in postproduction/US Weekly took pictures of all these celebs filming and I am so confused…. do raise an interesting point that I mostly used to make jokes up until now.

But let’s get serious. Srsly.

Is it possible to do friends with benefits? I say no. I’ve been in a few of said situations, sans paparazzo (sigh) and Ashton on the other end (although I could say one was a Jewish adorable Ashton who I thought was a gem because he didn’t realize he was hot, but then I realized he definitely knew, which sucked because Unknowing Hotties are the unicorns of boys) and they just really don’t work.

The power dynamic is just off, and someone often ends up wanting to get more serious than the other.

These situations usually begin something like this:

1. You meet Derek at a happy hour. You notice him because he has a Blackberry (plus 2), is above 5’8 (+15), and seems to be able to carry on a normal conversation about Jonathan Franzen (any literary references, in a nonobnoxious way, +35.5 points). You and Derek exchange info.

2. You obsess all week over whether Derek will call you. He doesn’t, and just as you’re making googly eyes over sushi with your friends and trying to decide if you should text that cute boy who works on the floor below who you always try to linger in the elevator with but he isn’t really paying attention to you until one day when you dumped a latte on his front (sometimes you just have to get aggressive) and you gave him your number because you offered to take his shirt to your superstar drycleaner, Derek BBMS you:

11:01 DMan: Hey, what are you up to tonite (-17 for heinous spelling)

…you purposely wait 3 minutes to BBM back lest you seem too desperate

11:04 Aly$$a: heyy, not sure yet you?

11:06 DMan: I think I’m going to Churchkey

This is the worst thing in the world. If someone asks you what you’re doing, why would you reply with something that isn’t an invite but just a statement? PET PEEVE.

Anyway, you and your friends go anyway and you and Derek end up hooking up on and off for months, in this fashion every Friday or Saturday night, sometimes with a few emoticons. It’s just not going anywhere.

Can you just have fun with someone without getting attached? I think it’s nearly impossible to move from somewhat hookup to real bf, (if that’s what you want).

However, if what you’re going for is just a Hanky Panky removal buddy, by all means go ahead.

What do you think, peepz?

_____________

Email stories, rants, raves, love notes, and emoticons to fiftyfirstjdates@gmail.com

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The post FFJD: Friends…With Benefits? (And Maybe Dental Coverage Too…) appeared first on Jewcy.

Everything was fine. Then I published a book. Not just any book. A book of Jewish cartoons. A book of Jewish humor. Although it’s just over a hundred pages between two pieces of cardboard, don’t tell me it’s not significant. Hell  no. For me, this is “War and Peace” and Jonathan Franzen’s entire oeuvre rolled into one. And we might as well throw in Augie March. So, I did what any author would do. Typed its title, “Kvetch as Kvetch Can,” into that little Amazon search bar and hit return. I then scrolled down down down the page for the all-important number. “Holy Freeholie,” methinks. There are that many books! But, something amazing happens. Even though it’s well into five figures, sometimes six, it figures as a top 100 seller in one category. Humor/Religious. OK, it’s not Fiction/Literary or even Fiction/Pulp, but it’s something. Sure my competition are funny books about Christians (a few), Muslims (fewer) and Buddhists (fewist.) But here’s the rub. Lots of my competition in this brutal division is from fellow Tribesmen (and women.) And all of a sudden, I find myself stalking their rankings. Me, a stalker! I was even stalking someone who blurbed me! Talk about ungracious. But the really sad thing — there’s nothing I can do about it. Short of pounding a few of my books onto my already battle-scared MasterCard (and I am not above doing that, I tell you) I just have to sit in front of the pixels and stew. It’s not that I don’t admire, love, relish, laugh at, chortle over, applaud, approve, and endorse every single book on the Humor/Religious list. It’s just that my responses to their rankings are often less than humorous and certainly less than pious. Who knew? Who knew?

Excuse me, another hour has just rolled over and they are updating the rankings. Gotta go.

The post Commandment 11: Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Fellow Jews Amazon Ranking appeared first on Jewcy.

• Graffiti artist and Chicago activist William “Upski” Wimsatt’s (above) new book, Please Don’t Bomb the Suburbs is discussed at Lit Kicks.

• Melville House turns down an Amazon award for the English translation of Israeli novel The Confessions of Noa Weber: “The point is, it’s clear to us that Amazon’s interests, and those of a healthy book culture, whether electronic or not, are antithetical.”

• New York Observer reviews The Instructions by Adam Levin.

• Mr. Franzen goes to Washington.

• Big Jewcy alumni Adam Whitney Nichols launches his multimedia project, Fortnight Journal.

• At NPR, Myla Goldberg’s newest novel, The False Friend, is discussed.

• David Rakoff talks to the Bat Segundo Show.  We really like the way Rakoff talks.  Is that weird?

The post The Weekly Yiderati: William “Upski” Wimsatt, Melville House Turns Down Award, Myla Goldberg, David Rakoff and More appeared first on Jewcy.