Myers-Briggs is too broad. Astrology is bunk. The only valid way of discretely sorting all people is into the houses of Harry Potter’s alma mater: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, or Slytherin. And who hasn’t tried to sort not only all of their real-life acquaintances, but also fictional and/or literary characters outside of the Harry Potter franchise? So, why not folks from Jewish religious lore?

Here are some Biblical male characters, and you can read Part 2 about the women here. To keep us from going totally overboard, we’ll limit it to the Torah for now, and get to the rest of the Bible another time. (Update: Another time has occurred. Men. Women.)

Here we go:

Noah had to organize his family to spend ages working on a structure to God’s exact specifications, and to gather two of each animal. He had to stay laser-focused as the world around raced towards destruction. He had to employ lots of Ravenclaw skills there.

Abraham is a bit more complicated, even if you ignore Midrash and go strictly with stories that appear in the Torah. Here you have a man who can at times be cautious, or not protect those he loves (like when he pretends Sarah’s not his wife, or almost sacrifices his son). But, ultimately, Abraham is a man of clear vision and purpose, who sticks it through tough times because of a balance of a strong sense of self and, ultimately, a strong moral compass.

It’s a tough call, and maybe you can make an argument for Slytherin, but 1) Abraham’s argument with God on behalf of the people of Sodom and Gomorrah and 2) His bold actions led purely by blind faith make him a Gryffindor.

Isaac is the patriarch who seems the least proactive, but that’s not why he’s a Hufflepuff. He’s a simple man whose main concern is his family (playing favorites notwithstanding). He’s kind, trusting, dedicated to his father’s legacy and, well, nice. Which is more than you can say about a lot of men in the Bible.

Jacob is such a Slytherin. We could sit here coming up with examples all day: Getting Esau’s birthright, his personal and professional dealings with Laban, how even his bold move of wrestling with an angel ends with him using his upper-hand as negotiating leverage. For good or for bad, there’s only one house for him.

Joseph always managed to rise to the top based on his own wits and the relationships to powerful men around him, from his father to the Pharaoh. Sometimes this meant alienating those around him and getting into trouble, but he always got out again. The kid’s obviously a Slytherin.

Moses is the big one! It’s tempting to just stick him into Gryffindor because he radiates “protagonist,” and he does belong there, but it’s more complex than that. He goes through a lot (down to fear of public speaking) to gain the courage to become the leader he was destined to be. But he also shows early signs of boldness and, frankly, disregarding of consequences due to his passion for justice. Killing the Egyptian taskmaster, even though it eventually means exile? Such a Gryffindor thing to do.

Even once he was leader of the people, Moses often lost his temper, and was shockingly outspoken to both the masses and God despite his position also being highly political. Between his occasional lapses in judgment based on his temper coupled with a strong sense of right-and-wrong and his overcoming his fears Neville-Longbottom-style, yes. Moshe Rabbeinu is a Gryff.

Aaron was also a leader of the people, but not as brash as his brother. As the High Priest, he was focused on ritual, on organization, on logistics. Aaron had to be a stickler for detail (failure in this regard cost two of his sons their lives).

No doubt about it; the man’s a Ravenclaw.

Joshua is also pretty clear cut. Even before he was Moses’s successor, Joshua makes a name for himself in the Torah by being the vocal minority among the spies. He had some of the same qualities as Moses, most importantly, a strong sense of right and wrong.

Plus, it’s post-Torah, but tearing down walls? Quintessential Gryffindor.

Think that we’re wrong about any of these? WANT TO HAVE A FIGHT? Tweet us your own arguments.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the Biblical ladies!

Source Images for this SPECTACULAR Photoshop job via Vimeo, Pottermore, and EBay

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Almost two years ago, I got the crazy notion that it would be a good idea to write my own original translation of the Hebrew Bible. And, since the Torah is read aloud in synagogues each Shabbat, my translation had to be read publicly, in front of a live audience. And since it’s the 2010s, it also had to be recorded as a podcast. The show started on October 15, 2012 at the Parkside Lounge with writer Joe Winkler in front of a curious crowd of friends and family.

22 months later, in front of a packed house at Manhattan’s Beauty Bar, I put to rest the first book of my translation. To celebrate, I collected all my previous guests (either live or prerecorded) to read pieces of the trippy blessings Jacob gives his sons in the final chapters of Genesis. Anchored by the reading of the very talented Julie Sugar, it was a heck of a night, all preserved in podcast form.

Before the reading began, there was a moment of reflection. Reversing how this usually goes, Julie took on the interviewer role, and asked me about my translating, “Has anything surprised you about this process, about your relationship to all this stuff, over the last two years?” My answer began:

I’ve been surprised at how close I’ve gotten to it. Like, I think when we started doing this, and I’ve listened to the older episodes somewhat recently, I was a lot angrier about it and a lot like “ah, this is ridiculous.”

To hear what changed, my first memory of Torah, my thoughts on the concept of God, and, of course, the jam-packed reading in this extra-long episode, listen here:

Bringing this show to life has been an incredible journey, during which I’ve learned more than I ever expected. At this crucial juncture, I’m asking listeners to partner with me to generate the funds to keep the show going. That’s why I’m launching an Indiegogo campaign to cover the cost of the show and a whole lot more. Below, you’ll find a video where I make my pitch. If you’d like to donate or share the campaign, please visit the Indiegogo page here to become a partner in this project.

What do you think of Jacob’s blessings and of Genesis so far? Let us know in the comments.

David will be hosting a public mocking of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” at Beauty Bar (231 E. 14th Street) at 8:00 PM on July 28, and will begin Book Two of his translation at the same location on August 25.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Image: Jacob Blessing the Sons of Joseph, Rembrandt

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Michael Malice went to Pyongang, sifted through piles of English-language propaganda, and wrote “Dear Reader: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Kim Jong Il,”a first-person account of North Korean history written in the voice of its late leader. He also joined me at Beauty Bar on Monday night to read a few chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE. Which was more terrifying? You’ll have to listen to find out.

This month on the show, we read about Joseph’s revelation of his identity to his brothers (and what a revelation it was!) and the anticlimactic aftermath. We learned about the not-quite-democratic political system Joseph imposed on famine-stricken Egypt. How does it compare with Kim Jong Il’s North Korea? Michael Malice has the scoop.

What do you think of Joseph’s decisions? Listen to the podcast and let us know!

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

Also! Big news! On June 23 OMGWTFBIBLE will be wrapping up Book One with a technicolor reunion show featuring every previous guest at Beauty Bar at 8:00pm. 

The post OMGWTFBIBLE podcast: Author Michael Malice on Joseph vs. Kim Jong Il appeared first on Jewcy.

Leah Vincent may be best known for her shocking escape from a restrictive Orthodox community in Cut Me Loose, her leaving-the-fold memoir, but since its release, she’s been working to carve out a space for less traditional approaches to sacred text. In The Forward this week, she wrote about her struggles approaching Jewish scripture and her attempt to reclaim the Shema as a feminist prayer.

This month, Leah stopped by OMGWTFBIBLE to read the continuation of Joseph’s story. Together, we dove into Joseph’s deception of his brothers and discussed what happens to families when people push each other away. Oh, and there were jokes.

At the core of the conversation was the question of whether, sitting on the throne in Egypt, Joseph is hiding himself or is finally living authentically. Listen above to hear our thoughts, then let us know what you think.

The next live recording of OMGWTFBIBLE will be at Beauty Bar at 8:00PM on May 26 and will feature author Michael Malice (Dear Reader: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Kim Jong Il).

David Tuchman translated the Tanakh as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here, and listen to previous episodes here.

The post OMGWTFBIBLE podcast: Leah Vincent on Joseph and Fractured Families appeared first on Jewcy.

When Ari Mandel left his Hasidic upbringing, his atheism was so strong, he tried to sell his spot in heaven on eBay and only kept Shabbos in exchange for $1000 for charity. In the most recent episode of OMGWTFBIBLE, I convinced Ari to do what no rabbi could: read the Torah.

This month, we read some of the more, ahem, sexually explicit passages in Genesis. First, Judah’s family is torn asunder by the apparently irresistible allure of the seductive Tamar. Then, Joseph, house-slave to a man named Potiphar in Egypt, is very definitely sexually harassed by his boss’s wife. Along the way, we shared maybe a little too much about our time in Yeshiva day school.

In an attempt to sum things up, I noticed a parallel between Judah’s sex romp and the fall of Adam and Eve:

The story reminded me of the story of Eden, or Gan Eden, where God, or Yehovah, tells Adam not to eat from the fruit and Chava interprets it as “you must not touch of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Life and Death or you will die.” And the snake uses that additional layer of stricture, or of banning, in order to convince her to actually eat. Because she reaches out, touches the tree, and she doesn’t die. And then she’s like “ok, I guess I can eat now.” And that’s what leads her to eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Life and Death.”

What does this have to do with Judah and his sons Onan and Er? Listen and find out.

David Tuchman translated the Tanach as a comedy and called it OMGWTFBIBLE. Each month on his podcast, he calls up a different guest to read as many chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE as they can while they both make fun of it.

Jewcy is the proud (internet) co-host of OMGWTFBIBLE. Read more about the project here.

The post OMGWTFBIBLE Podcast: Joseph, the Irresistible Allure of Tamar, and Stories from Yeshiva Day School appeared first on Jewcy.