So, I saw Love & Other Drugs, which should be renamed “Anne Hathaway’s Chicken Breasts and Jake Gyllenhaal’s Tushie Are In a Movie Together.” (Can Annie plz play me in the FFJD movie?)

I’m not really complaining about the Gyllenhaal Glutes Situation, although the movie was pretty terrible. Hathaway’s illness felt like a disingenuous plot mechanism, and she also wore a lot of overalls because this was supposed to be 1996. But I don’t think I even wore that many pairs of overalls in 1996 and I’m fairly certain that it would’ve been more accurate if one strap were undone (to then subsequently fall into 6th grade bathroom toilet. Sigh. Then I had to trudge back to class and I couldn’t change and it really sucked, save for the awesome Limited Too furry shag rug top thing that I was wearing.) relevance

I was trying to glean some FFJDness from it, and all I came up with was that there are randomly some very attractive medicine salesmen, Judy Greer again was relegated to her trademark Ugly Girl role, and sleeping around for professional gain is fine for Jakey, but not for girls. Although it was an exaggerated point, Sex Scenes & Jake’s Wayfarers really did bring up interesting issues of dating and physical health, and the lengths you go to be with someone you really care about.

One of my favorite scenes, though, was when Mr. Taylor Swift starts shaking uncontrollably, has a panic attack, and then tells Hathaway’s character that he loves her, and that he’s never said that to anyone, ever. “I said it to a cat once,” she replies.

For all the things that we have facilitating relationships – online dating, texting, video-chatting, those three words still seem to carry a lot of weight.

I think some guys think that “I Love You” is sort of like signing in blood on a dotted line to donate all of your organs to that girl. Whereas for chicks, it’s just not the same. I just don’t think it carries as much meaning because we are always loving everything – friends, new shoes, posters of Mr. Gyllenhaal’s face, the new lox cream cheese you bought.

“I love you” is still sort of a benchmark in a relationship though. You can sort of divide your time between pre-ILY and post-ILY. What if you never got to it at all? Does it mean it was a meaningless relationship? I’d hope not. But it’s one of the first questions people ask when you say you broke up and you sort of feel like you need to justify why you didn’t get him to proclaim his undying love for your being:

“Yeah, Josh and I ended things.”

— “Were you saying I love you yet?”

“No, but my toothbrush was there and we had 16 tagged photos together on Facebook.”

—-“Oh.”

Also, who says it first? There’s a lot of debate over this. People always tell me/it’s a common conception among girls that you should always wait for the guy to say it first, even if you think you feel it before he does, lest you lose the power struggle over who can hold out the longest. Do guys feel this way too?

Is there ever any good timing? I think I once used M&Ms as a segue to saying “I love you” to a boy. Yeah, thanks Mars Candy. But I really do love Peanut M&Ms, clearly. A friend’s ex said it to her for the first time when he was blacked out. Romantic! She had to remind him the next day, which lead to similar panic attacks as seen in above film.

I really do love you, Four Loko.

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