PunkTorah – Jewcy

The Jewcy Fitness Plan: Jennie & Patrick Do Chai Bo

Jennie Rivlin Roberts — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 16:12:01 +0000

This is week three of Jennie & Patrick’s fitness journal for your viewing pleasure. Not only will they be reporting the embarrassing details of their physical disrepair, but, like all good Jewish professionals should, they’ll be making this a Jewish fitness journey. Each week they’ll be reviewing a new Jewish fitness fad and reporting whether the Chosen method de-schlubinates as promised.

This Week’s Jewish Fitness Fad Review:
Chai Bo: Come-Life

Chai Bo Gets a 5 out of 10 on the De-schlubometer.

Jennie & Patrick say:

The anonymous author of Chai Bo informs us this powerful exercise/spiritual program is a mix of Chinese martial arts and Lithuanian minhag as studied at the Schvitzer Yeshiva of Shanghai.

The author tells us Chai Bo is not only a workout but also a lifestyle: including diet and Torah study. Each morning, after exercise, one should study a daf of the day or some sentences from the weekly Torah or Haftorah portion. In addition, Chai Bo offers prayers for the ability to exercise!

Daily Blessing for the Ability to Stretch Our Bodies
Baruch Ata Adonai, Elohaynu Memelch Ha-Olam Mahteer Ahsurim….

Daily Blessing for the Ability Strengthen Our Backs
Baruch Ata Adonai, Elohaynu Memelch Ha-Olam Zokayf K’fufim….

But better than tell you about Chai Bo — Let us show you in the video!

Chai Bo is a good workout. We give it a 6 out of 10 on the de-schlubometer. However, despite, Jennie’s weight registered as ERROR on the scale this week. Patrick lost another 2 lbs.!

Jennie Pounds Lost: 2, 11% on the Chicken Meter of her total goal of 18 lbs.

Patrick Pounds Lost: 4, 14% on the Groom Meter of his total goal of 28 lbs.

Each week Jennie & Patrick will be checking in with their progress, updating their stats and pics, as well as reviewing a Jewish fitness fad.

Next Week’s Jewish Fitness Fad:

Paula Abdul’s Get Up and Dance!

Tune in next week for their fitness update and fad review.

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Can!!Can (JDub Records)

punktorah — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 18:21:54 +0000

Can!!Can (JDub Records) with The Dirty Streets, A: The Color (formerly Holy Ghost).+ Indie Dance Party @ Midnight! This party is a celebration of Patrick A (from Can!!Can) getting married the next week.

$7 Cover. Free Can!!Can merch with entry

Visit www.cancanband.com to hear more from Atlanta’s favorite Talmud art punks.

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The Jewcy Fitness Plan: Jennie & Patrick Do Kabbalah Yoga

Jennie Rivlin Roberts — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 11:00:19 +0000

This is week two of Jennie & Patrick’s fitness journal for your viewing pleasure. Not only will they be reporting the embarrassing details of their physical disrepair, but, like all good Jewish professionals should, they’ll be making this a Jewish fitness journey. Each week they’ll be reviewing a new Jewish fitness fad and reporting whether the Chosen method de-schlubinates as promised. Read Week One.

This Week’s Jewish Fitness Fad Review:
Kabbalah Yoga: Creating Your Own Fountain of Youth with Yvonne Dayan

Kabbalah Yoga gets a 2 out of 10 on the De-schlubometer.

Jennie says:

This DVD is more than just downward kosher dog and tree-of-life pose. Kabbalah Yoga promises “rejuvenation of your reproductive center,” thymus and pineal gland stimulation, and neuron growth. In fact, Kabbalah Yoga suggests you could add 20 or 30 more years to your life!

The 20 minute routine takes us through a series of yoga poses which, we are told, open our bodies and minds to each of the 10 Sephirot, the 10 aspects of G-d, which are also within us. By doing yoga poses to open our Malkush, Yesod, Hod, Netzach, Tiferet, Gevurah, Chesed, Binah, Keter, and Chokhmah, guru Yvonne Dayan says many wonderful goodies will come our way. However… I’ve been walking around with my Chokhmah open all week and no one’s even noticed.

In all seriousness, Kabbalah Yoga is a relaxing time, a fine yoga stretch, and decent Sephirot review for those of us who are Jewish professionals and may need to know this stuff.

As far as de-schlubinating: forget about it. I jogged, hip-hop danced, and skipped dessert to lose my 2 lbs. this week.

Pounds Lost: 2, 11% on the Chicken Meter of her total goal of 18 lbs.

Patrick says:

Now, I’m going to be honest here…I hate yoga. I’ve tried it twice and both times I found it to be a disturbing experience. Frankly, I have a musician’s body which is meant to run around, act crazy, get injured, and heal itself before getting back in the van. I’m not meant to feel the Will of the Universe or anything like that.

My second beef with yoga is that it’s impossible to follow the instructions and do the poses. I keep looking up at the screen to see what I’m supposed to do, then fall on my ass.

I’ve read the Cliff Notes version of the Zohar and I’m pretty sure that the Baal Shem Tov wasn’t into downward dog. I’ll leave this activity to those Ju-Bu’s I hear so much about. That’s all I can say without jumping into Lashon Hara territory.

A steady diet of my new favorite cocktail (Saint Germaine, orange vodka, and ginger ale) and the last remaining pieces of my fiancee’s bridal shower cake are not helping my cause on the dietary front.

I have found that using my iPhone “Lose It” app at least keeps me in a neurotic self-conscious state. My daily allotted calories are around 1,300, which, for me, is like skipping a meal and a half a day. I wonder if this constitutes a technologically induced eating disorder? But heck, I did lose two pounds. Go me!

Pounds Lost: 2, 7% on the Groom Meter of his total goal of 28 lbs.

Each week Jennie & Patrick will be checking in with their progress, updating their stats and pics, as well as reviewing a Jewish fitness fad.

Next Week’s Jewish Fitness Fad: Chai Bo

Tune in next week for their fitness update and fad review.

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Will Nick Hornby Write a Musical About PunkTorah?

punktorah — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 01:05:47 +0000

Tonight in Atlanta, a pairing we didn’t really expect to see: British author Nick Hornby will read, and Can!!Can, fronted by Jewcy contributor Patrick Aleph, will rock.

Hornby is on the road after a brief stint supporting the record that the scribe and the songsmith worked on together, Lonely Avenue. But tonight he will read from his book, Juliet Naked, and will play songs from his iPod. Can!!Can will supply their southern fried punk, and either scare the crap out of Hornby, or make a fan out of him.

Either way, I had to ask Patrick his thoughts on Hornby, Ben Folds, and the whole situation going on in the ATL.

Jewcy: Nick Hornby just wrote lyrics for a Ben Folds album. I feel like I should know more about Ben Folds and Nick Hornby. It’s sad, but all I know from Ben Folds in the song “Brick,” and from Hornby, I saw the film for High Fidelity, and I read his column in The Believer. What about you?

Patrick: I used to rock out to Ben Folds when I was a teenager. There was a pub across the street that I used to hide out in and the 20-somethings that worked there always played, “Song For the Dumped.” After a while I realized I liked him more than just background music, and even though I’m Mr. Garage-Punk-Torah guy, my secret dream is to be able to sing and play like that guy.

Honestly, I know nothing about Hornby, outside of the fact that he must have really hated life after High Fidelity the movie came out. I bet he couldn’t show up to any US event without some douche bag screaming “Cosby Sweatah!” in the worst Jack Black voice possible. I did like About A Boy, because I love the idea of living off the royalties of one song. Kinda working on that goal myself.

Alright, we are in agreement that Honby has done a good job at writing books that turn into movies we like?. So as you say, you’re”Mr. Garage-Punk-Torah guy,” but your “secret dream is to be able to sing and play like that guy.” That’s cool When I was a kid, I wanted to be Billy Joel. Except sans the drunk driving and being married to models (because I thought girls had cooties). Do you think there is something in Jewish DNA that makes us want to be “piano men”?

Mmmm, I dunno. We have our foot in the door of every musical genre there is, other than Nazi H8core. And even then I wouldn’t be surprised if someone put out a parody album called “Blood Matzah” or something equally insane. Whatever happened to your goal of being Billy Joel? There’s still a chance…you’re a young guy.

I got this gig at Jewcy. So Nick Hornby and Ben Folds are both middle aged dudes who are probably obsessive about music, women and pop culture — that’s what I’ve gathered. Do you think you can convince them to collaborate on a Can!!Can musical? I think I’d go check that out.

Probably couldn’t convince them to do a Can!!Can musical, though I will get to see nick at the show were doing with him on Monday at the highland inn ballroom. And Jason, don’t worry about learning to play piano. Being a good musician is overrated. I take what Iggy Pop said as my motto, “when I first heard the Velvet Underground it gave me hope. Here is a guy who can’t sing, and I can’t sing, so I should sing!”

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