Stresses of life got you down? Looking for little ways to get back in touch with the best you? Sick of being told to try yoga? Well don’t worry, we here at Jewcy happen to also be lifestyle gurus, and we can let you know the best Jewish methods of self-care that you won’t find in the goyishe mainstream media. Next time you’re having a rough day, just take a moment, breathe, and try one of these:

• Eat some matzo ball soup.
• Stay hydrated! Try drinking some matzo ball soup.
• Unfriend that Facebook friend. You know the one: always posting about Israel, but their opinions are misguided at best and offensive at worst.
• Listen to some Miami Boys Choir. Let their androgynous prepubescent voices soothe your cares away.
• Try a new hobby, like gardening, or calling your mother for once.
• Pretend it’s Shabbat, and turn off your cell phone.
• While you’re at it, also turn off all the lights, unplug your clock, and sit alone in the dark for an indeterminate amount of time.
• Dance like no one’s watching. A hora. By yourself. In your living room.
• Make a list of all the things for which you’re grateful. Then list all your good deeds. Then list all your sins. Weigh everything against itself.
• Take a warm bath in chicken soup. Instead of bath bombs, float some matzo balls in there.
• Wrap yourself up in a cozy blanket and stream Yentl.

• Realize that Yentl is not available for streaming. Wrap yourself up in a cozy blanket and send angry emails to every streaming service you know.
• Speed down the highway with a cozy blanket over your lap, screaming that you must see Yentl. It’s for your mental health.
• Try buying some new clothes, like trousers, a white shirt, a vest, and a cap.
• Disguise yourself as a man. Study Talmud. Sing to your dead father. Fall for Mandy Patinkin.

You’re welcome. Namaste, and Shalom.

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