The bill, proposed by MP David Bahati, adds Uganda to that list of other places you would never want or are currently barred from going to like Iran, Mauritania, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Yemen, Nigeria and the United Arab Emirates. Coincidentally, most of those countries are ones where Jews wouldn’t feel terribly welcome either. Sure, it’s all fun-and-games shopping for Dolce in Dubai until someone gets stoned to death for showing their sugar daddy a little gratitude. Normally, when crazy countries (see: Iran) make generic threats, members of sane societies create useless Facebook pages with impossibly long, almost incoherent names like "Ahmadinejad is a terrorist tyrant. Bring peace to the Persian people now. Join to help us reach over 1,000,000 members." But despite the similar onslaught of fruitless Facebook pages rising up in virtual condemnation against this latest humanitarian crisis, it indeed appears that Uganda’s rogue government isn’t just interested in having an international dick-measuring contest. For the first time in its 47-year history, Uganda actually seems serious about instituting social change. Naturally, in a country where 75% of the population lives on less than $2 a day, it couldn’t be for something truly good. Instead, Ugandan parliament members (with the staunch support of – who else? – Evangelical groups) have drafted legislation that would broaden the scope of what is considered illegal homosexual behavior. People with HIV/AIDS, who have prior convictions of queer conduct, and/or get caught in same-sex acts with those under 18 years old would be subject to the death sentence. As if that weren’t enough of a human rights violation, Uganda will also go after gay expatriates and individuals or organizations that support LGBT rights there. It may come as a shocker that gays even exist at all in a country where raggy shmattes rule the roads. There are, however, an estimated 500,000 sexual minorities who call Uganda home. At first glance, this whole setup doesn’t scream special, but there are several factors that make the Ugandan case unique. First, there are key players from the American Evangelical movement – namely, Scott Lively, author of the literary masterpiece 7 Steps to Recruit-Proof Your Child, "healed" ex-gay Caleb Lee Brundidge, and hetero conversion missionary Don Schmierer – that have allegedly contributed to these political developments through their travels and live talks. They’ve said they don’t condone the bill and claim they didn’t know about the implications of their so-called holy work in Uganda. At least it’s likely that one of the three will be caught cruising the bathroom stalls at the Minneapolis International Airport. Second, Uganda’s religious composition is drastically different from the usual suspects of LGBT human rights violators worldwide, because it doesn’t have a Muslim majority. In fact, Uganda is overwhelmingly Christian with over 85% of the population identifying as either Roman Catholic or Protestant. Third, Uganda has a curious place in Jewish history (yeah, Hebrew school skipped over that one, because it’s actually interesting). Once upon a time, the British Uganda Plan called for the creation of a Jewish state where ass-fucking fun is now poised to be punishable by death. It was a far better deal than the Nazi scheme to ship the Jews off to Madagascar, but one thing is clear: if the current state of affairs in Israel is any indication, gays would have been freely prancing around a Judeo-African oasis – and with at least a marginally better sense of style. But, sadly, not all is sweet in the Land of Milk and Honey. Last year, Israel’s reputation was tarnished after a masked gunman waged war on an LGBT center in Tel Aviv. And in 2005, Jerusalem’s relatively somber socio-political pride parade was marred when an orthodox male stabbed three participants. Israel’s black hat Haredim have long been aggressors against sexual minorities both physically and politically feeling more commonalities with their Christian extremist counterparts than most of their Jewish brethren. In a rare instance of cross-religious cooperation, they’ve even joined forces with the Holy City’s Christians and Muslims to ban pride marches in Jerusalem altogether – who knew that anti-gay discrimination was what it took to bring people from different religions together? Still, while Israel has to contend with its own share of gay drama, it’s reassuring to know that gays in Israel can, among other things, qualify for couples’ benefits, serve in the military, and see a drag show. To think, all of that happens in a country founded by people from socialist Eastern Europe and the most intolerable parts of the Arab World. Uganda’s homo hate bill is scheduled for a vote before parliament in late February or March. Until then, the best that gay Ugandans can hope for are a few meaningless Facebook pages and the off chance that Madonna or Angelina Jolie will be back on the market for more African babies. Luckily, some open-minded Jews are doing what they can: AJWS is already raising funds to help and support gay people in Uganda.

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Lathering up the gays may seem risky, but it’s fitting for a show that was designed to eschew the traditional, WASP-y image of the soap opera scene. In fact, OLTL enterprise holds the not-so-coveted title of also featuring the first Jewish family. It must have taken the writers several weeks to figure out what to call them before deciding on a seriously Semitic surname like Siegel. David is a lawyer and he’s married to Eileen. (Editor’s note: those name choices only make this Eli Valley comic even more brilliant.) With that setup, she’d be well positioned to throw a bitch fit at a B’nai Brith meeting or attempt a coup on her synagogue’s Purim party committee. Too bad their son is named Timmy and they live in a fictitious suburb of Philadelphia. Where is little Joshua or Jeremy? And what about New York, New Jersey, or winters in Boca? Fail by current standards, but it was still a valiant effort for the early ’70s. Fast forward 30-something years, and OLTL’s attempt at portraying a homo hookup gets a similar grade. Like any other soap love scene, the one between Kyle and Fish (known by their fans as "Kish") was accessorized with Pottery Barn vanilla-scented candles and Bose sound system serenade premiering the specially produced single "My Confession." But the only confession here should have been made by the gaggle of gays writing (or at least doing hair and makeup) on the set. This isn’t even close to real life. The OLTL approach to gay sex: endless amounts of caressing, rolling around, long looking-into-each-others’-eyes shots that force you to fill in the blanks, and an after-sex bullshitting session that includes nauseating phrases like "Is it always going to be like this?" Vomit. Surely, there must be a better way of handling fags fucking on television that still plays to the middle for Middle America.

Let’s take a look at how the Israel’s Channel 2 did it. Til The Wedding tells the story of a budding romance between Harel and Amir (a totally butch wedding dress designer, which, if you’ve ever witnessed the tragic state of Israeli wedding dresses, is plausible). It’s the classic tale of boy-meets-boy at a bus stop – a locale with which every car-less daytime dweller can relate. Three short months later, they’re sharing a house. That kind of scripting is admittedly more appropriate for power tool-wielding lesbians than Gucci shopping gay men, but one can dream.

Luckily, the reality railroad manages to get back on track with Amir’s decision to chow down on a side of hummus for his final hoorah. He orders delivery from the convenience of his computer – every good gay man’s go-to gadget when hunger of one kind or another strikes. So how does this hit-and-run end? The flavor of the night curls up like a kitten in Amir’s toned arms that were undoubtedly molded from countless trips to the gym and not from his days in Tzahal intelligence (read: low-level sector of the Israeli army loaded with gays). Finally, in the true spirit of homo hospitality, Amir gives him the boot and comes clean about the boyfriend. Now that, no offense to OLTL, sounds more like it.

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Enter: Jewbilee. It’s New York City’s answer to the straight-laced Matzo Ball enterprise, and the brainchild of the J-queer community’s current king Jayson Littman. "If all the straight girls at the Matzo Ball were wondering where all the cute Jewish doctors, lawyers, and professionals were, they went to the Christmas Eve Gay Jewbilee. But better they didn’t show since they may very well have bumped into someone they’re currently dating!" says Littman.

For the last three years, the party has been run under Littman’s self-run event promotion venture He’bro and served as a much needed midnight mass for gay Torah-toters. And the 2009 bash at Manhattan’s barely one-and-a-half-year-old hotspot Hudson Terrace was the best attended yet. Reality TV revelers may remember the space from the fiery finale of The Real Housewives of New York City – fittingly catty conditions for the over 850 boys who turned out to get their hands on a slice of kosher beef. When you consider drink prices high enough to make South Beach look like a stroll down the liquor aisle at Wal-Mart, that’s quite a feat.

The crowd was decidedly homo but far from homogeneous. Minus the small herd of lesbians and other sexual minorities, the almost sinful celebration (fun fact: an astonishingly low number of drug infractions were reported) was comprised of 99% men. And these male party players fall into seven distinct categories – each with their own corresponding probability of shacking up. 

1. Husband Hunter

He’s single, his mother doesn’t know why, and he yearns to stand under the chuppah with any boy as long as his last name is Goldberg. In varying degrees, most of the attendees belong here. Unfortunately, this guy ends the party by logging onto JDate from his iPhone as he takes a taxi home – alone.

2. Long Island Lolita

Hailing from Hewlett, the drunk d-bag is dressed in a cheesy Robert Graham button-down, True Religion jeans, and D&G dog tags. He could spare losing 15 pounds and thinks his shit doesn’t smell. It does. But somehow, he still manages to get laid.

3. Nebbishy Nerd

This one is a lawyer (or equally lame Jewtastic career) with a painfully boring personality to match. In an ensemble that makes rolling out of bed in pajamas look like effort, he stands in a corner for the first two hours of the party and dips out without even being noticed. It’s questionable whether or not he knows what sex is, so picking up a Hebrew hottie for the night is highly unlikely.

4. Couples

These tied-up types have successfully found what is eluding the Husband Hunter. One is a surgeon, the other is in finance, and they’ve been together for five years in a fabulous Columbus Circle condo. In May, they’re getting married in Jerusalem en route to sourcing a baby from South Korea. The "wild" one of the duo gets his kicks by talking with the Husband Hunter about separate sets of dishes and a recent trip to Israel only to reveal his relationship status at the end of the night. To the despair of the more adventurous among the Husband Hunters, the potential for a ménage-a-Manischewitz is never anything more than a mirage.

5. Bagel Chasers

This is the most populous of the gentile contingents. They’re the real-life version of those frauds on JDate. The better looking among them at six feet tall with blonde hair and blue eyes get the Husband Hunters excited. Perhaps he’s from that tiny enclave of Swedish Semites? Hardly. The Bagel chaser is just on the prowl for cut cock. And sometimes, he’s successful.

6. Asian Mafia

Decked in the latest threads from Armani Exchange, this perfectly coifed crew roams in packs of at least 10. It’s unclear if they know this is a gefilte-only gathering, but no matter. They rock it out Szechuan style on the dance floor anyway. Other than serving as a reminder about the Chinese feast forgone, they are inconsequential to the majority of the nice Jewish boys there.

7. Tourists

This is a quaint collection of Dutch and/or German men and/or women who use Time Out as their nightlife news source. Despite an explicit description of the event, they still arrive shrouded in a cloud of confusion. Gay? Jew? Huh? The men may occasionally get mixed up with the Aryan-looking Bagel Chasers, but this is a breed more interested in partying than after-hours play.

The shindig peaked around twelve with a line long enough to turn unfashionable latecomers away and an obligatory drag performance by the unshiksa-looking Chevonne. Her hardy but hot nose and plush sheitel were dead giveaways. All in all, the Jewbilee crowd may be a hodgepodge of people who put the X on Xmas, but it’s comforting to know that there are tasty menu options other than house lo mein on Jesus’ special day.

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