Yids of the faygele variety know there are better ways to pay tribute to history’s most famous Jewish carpenter than with an order of deep fried cat from Peking Palace. It ruins all those hours spent at the gym competing for the attention of hairless, muscled goyim. And watching A Christmas Story (you know, the treyf tale of that boy Ralphie who whines for a full 90 minutes about wanting a rifle under the tree) for the 50th time on AMC not only seems boring, it probably qualifies as sacrilegious at this point.
Enter: Jewbilee. It’s New York City’s answer to the straight-laced Matzo Ball enterprise, and the brainchild of the J-queer community’s current king Jayson Littman. "If all the straight girls at the Matzo Ball were wondering where all the cute Jewish doctors, lawyers, and professionals were, they went to the Christmas Eve Gay Jewbilee. But better they didn’t show since they may very well have bumped into someone they’re currently dating!" says Littman.
For the last three years, the party has been run under Littman’s self-run event promotion venture He’bro and served as a much needed midnight mass for gay Torah-toters. And the 2009 bash at Manhattan’s barely one-and-a-half-year-old hotspot Hudson Terrace was the best attended yet. Reality TV revelers may remember the space from the fiery finale of The Real Housewives of New York City – fittingly catty conditions for the over 850 boys who turned out to get their hands on a slice of kosher beef. When you consider drink prices high enough to make South Beach look like a stroll down the liquor aisle at Wal-Mart, that’s quite a feat.
The crowd was decidedly homo but far from homogeneous. Minus the small herd of lesbians and other sexual minorities, the almost sinful celebration (fun fact: an astonishingly low number of drug infractions were reported) was comprised of 99% men. And these male party players fall into seven distinct categories – each with their own corresponding probability of shacking up.
1. Husband Hunter
He’s single, his mother doesn’t know why, and he yearns to stand under the chuppah with any boy as long as his last name is Goldberg. In varying degrees, most of the attendees belong here. Unfortunately, this guy ends the party by logging onto JDate from his iPhone as he takes a taxi home – alone.
2. Long Island Lolita
Hailing from Hewlett, the drunk d-bag is dressed in a cheesy Robert Graham button-down, True Religion jeans, and D&G dog tags. He could spare losing 15 pounds and thinks his shit doesn’t smell. It does. But somehow, he still manages to get laid.
3. Nebbishy Nerd
This one is a lawyer (or equally lame Jewtastic career) with a painfully boring personality to match. In an ensemble that makes rolling out of bed in pajamas look like effort, he stands in a corner for the first two hours of the party and dips out without even being noticed. It’s questionable whether or not he knows what sex is, so picking up a Hebrew hottie for the night is highly unlikely.
4. Couples
These tied-up types have successfully found what is eluding the Husband Hunter. One is a surgeon, the other is in finance, and they’ve been together for five years in a fabulous Columbus Circle condo. In May, they’re getting married in Jerusalem en route to sourcing a baby from South Korea. The "wild" one of the duo gets his kicks by talking with the Husband Hunter about separate sets of dishes and a recent trip to Israel only to reveal his relationship status at the end of the night. To the despair of the more adventurous among the Husband Hunters, the potential for a ménage-a-Manischewitz is never anything more than a mirage.
5. Bagel Chasers
This is the most populous of the gentile contingents. They’re the real-life version of those frauds on JDate. The better looking among them at six feet tall with blonde hair and blue eyes get the Husband Hunters excited. Perhaps he’s from that tiny enclave of Swedish Semites? Hardly. The Bagel chaser is just on the prowl for cut cock. And sometimes, he’s successful.
6. Asian Mafia
Decked in the latest threads from Armani Exchange, this perfectly coifed crew roams in packs of at least 10. It’s unclear if they know this is a gefilte-only gathering, but no matter. They rock it out Szechuan style on the dance floor anyway. Other than serving as a reminder about the Chinese feast forgone, they are inconsequential to the majority of the nice Jewish boys there.
7. Tourists
This is a quaint collection of Dutch and/or German men and/or women who use Time Out as their nightlife news source. Despite an explicit description of the event, they still arrive shrouded in a cloud of confusion. Gay? Jew? Huh? The men may occasionally get mixed up with the Aryan-looking Bagel Chasers, but this is a breed more interested in partying than after-hours play.
The shindig peaked around twelve with a line long enough to turn unfashionable latecomers away and an obligatory drag performance by the unshiksa-looking Chevonne. Her hardy but hot nose and plush sheitel were dead giveaways. All in all, the Jewbilee crowd may be a hodgepodge of people who put the X on Xmas, but it’s comforting to know that there are tasty menu options other than house lo mein on Jesus’ special day.
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