Forgive me, Arielle,
For I have sinned. Here’s hoping you can help me redeem some mitzvah points…
Last week, I had a Nice Jewish Suitor over for dinner. I cooked chicken schnitzel, pearl couscous with zucchini, and served an Israeli-style salad — sounds kosher, right? WRONG! Despite my best effort to serve his majesty a kosher meal fit for King Solomon, I utterly failed.
The culprit was the treif salad dressing, of all things! The real kicker is how I even discovered the unkosher poison. My NJS raved about the salad dressing so I showed him the bottle of white wine vinegar that dowsed the vegetables. My heart dropped to my stomach when he told me it wasn’t kosher. Oy, I felt terrible! Why did I have to show off the bottle!?
He didn’t seem overly bothered by the bait and switch — you’ll be proud to know that we still got those double Shabbos mitzvah points — but the guilt has been all-consuming.
Might you offer some wise words of advice to ease my unkosher soul?
I hereby absolve you of all guilt. Though you may wish you hadn’t spilled the beans, take solace in knowing that HaShem is merciful (I think I read that somewhere on Reddit). For real, though, my Jewish day school taught me that if someone unknowingly eats treif (Yiddish for “unkosher”) it’s NBD, so I’m gifting you a “get out of Gehenna free” card.
Your suitor probably wasn’t thrilled but it sounds like you made up for it in the bedroom. Speaking of, unless he impregnated you, I’m pretty sure the sin of spilling seed is, like, a million time worse than eating an unkosher salad. And for anyone wondering, if we disregard the halachic sacrecy of semen, it looks like swallowing a load is kosher. But don’t quote me on that.