It’s no news that Third Reich paraphernalia collectors are alive and well, and living amongst us. It’s just when one of them is supposed to be an advocate for human rights that one’s brain is sort of thrown for a loop. Garlasco blames his infatuation with these pieces on his German grandfather’s draft into Hitler’s army. I’m not really buying it. Granted, I don’t know this Marc Garlasco fella personally, but my grandfather had his indiscretions too: you don’t see me taking up heroin just because he spent some quality time in opium dens in Vietnam in the early 1960s. In further Hitler-related news, it was discovered that Hitler was a woman. Well, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. According to the BBC, US scientists have revealed that part of a skull that was once believed to be Hitler’s actually belongs to a woman…between 20 and 40 years old. Even before DNA testing, scientist Nick Bellantoni said he "suspected" that the bone didn’t come from an adult male, because "normally male bones are much more robust." Does anyone really think of Hitler as "robust"?

Alas, DNA has proven that the skull fragment is indeed that of a woman, but who? Eva Braun was 33 years old when she and her new husband committed suicide in that bunker, but it doesn’t seem to belong to Eva Braun…or they would’ve said so, I would imagine. Eva and Adolf were married for less than forty hours when they did themselves in, so I guess that says something about the two of them. I’m not judging, of course, but even celebrity marriages last a few days longer and we all know how awful and self-involved that lot is.

So in light of this new information, how did Hitler go out of this world? The general consensus is that he shot himself, while Eva popped a cyanide pill. Granted, he popped a pill too, but when it didn’t kick in fast enough, he decided to shoot himself in the head…because that’s what cowards do. (I watch movies, so I know this to be a fact.) There will always be speculation, I suppose. And in the same vein of Elvis Presley, there will always be those who believe he didn’t die in that bunker and actually escaped with his beloved Eva and is living on an island with Tupac Shakur or whatever. Even Stalin had reservations about believing that Hitler had actually died. They say there are two certainties in life: death and taxes. There were no witnesses to the actual suicides of Hitler and Eva Braun. There was an autopsy on what was thought to be their bodies, but secrecy on the part of the KGB and the discovery of DNA being decades away, nothing will ever be conclusive. If there’s even a chance that Hitler is still around, what does one do? Well, in the words of Mort Goldman from Family Guy, "We save Jon Stewart! He’s our most important Jew!" ‘Nuff said.

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After college, I tried out my own handbag business. It wasn’t lucrative by any means. After all was said and done, I had made a few thousand dollars over the course of the year, I had my custom-made handbags in stores in Boston, Brooklyn, and Boulder, but I was definitely not on my way to being the next Kate Spade. I did it more for the love of handbags and sewing, and less for the big dreams of seeing my bags on the arms of celebrities and socialites. I thought I had abandoned all whimsies of the business world until a friend sent me an article about something I think I’d like to get into…making money off the Christians. Yes, that’s right: making money off the Christians. I’ve piqued your interest, haven’t I? So this company, Eternal Earthbound Pets, is offering the service of "confirmed Atheists" to look after your pet when the Rapture happens. Obviously, when the Second Coming of Jesus rolls around only the Christians (both alive and dead ones) are going to be called on up to Heaven, and sadly, their pets will be left behind. Eternal Earthbound Pets charges the very reasonable rate of $110 per animal per household ($15 for each additional animal per household), and guarantees the safety of your pet for up to ten years of receiving your payment. Yes, this means that if the Rapture goes down 11 years from now, then you’re shit out of luck. Like any good business, Eternal Earthbound Pets has a set of terms and conditions, and basically, you’re not getting a refund if you lose your faith between now and the end of the world, or if Jesus decides you’re not worthy and leaves you behind. Oh well.

As a "confirmed Atheist," I want in on this action! Right now Eternal Earthbound Pets is only offering to take in the usual pets like cats, dogs, birds and "small caged mammals." But what about horses? Miniature ponies? And we all know there are at least a handful of alligators living in one or two bathtubs in New York City that will need to be cared for when, or if, their owners go home to Jesus. And why limit it to the United States? This could be a major global enterprise! We could take that ten-year guarantee and double it! Why should you only get a ten-year window of time to ensure the safety of your pet? Some tortoises have been known to live longer than 150 years, shouldn’t they be allowed Atheist coverage if the Rapture happens 90 years down the road? I figure we can charge $100 per pet per year of coverage – $100 a year is nothing to a pet owner. If you want to insure that Harold, your pet tortoise will be safe in the arms of a loving Atheist in 2092, then sign right here on the dotted line and please pay the $830 needed to make sure that when the sun turns black, the Heavens quake, and fire shoots out of the mouths of babes, Harold’s appointed new guardian will pick him up at your house and bring him over to his new home.

And who do I want to go into business with? The Jews, of course! Like me, the Jewish community is not going to be invited to participate in the Rapture (oh, darn!). The Atheists and the Jews saving animals across the globe! How brilliant is that?! We can take our conglomerate to epic proportions and be Fortune 500 rich by 2011! Upon further research, I discovered The Rapture Index. The Rapture Index is updated daily about the state of the world and how close we are to the Rapture…yes, such things exist. As of August 31, the index was at 163 – which according to this particular website translates to "fasten your seatbelts" – so yeah, it’s a comin’. I say we sit down and flesh out the particulars of this business venture stat: someone can make the flyers, someone else can build the website, and I’ll stay home tonight and work on a catchy jingle that will make Christian pet owners line up around the block to get in on our services. There’s money to be made here, people, and I say we step up to the plate and take advantage of it. Now.

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When my mother returned from church, she’d tuck us in our beds, but not without making sure we brushed our teeth and prayed – in that order. Although I doubted the existence of God, I prayed to him until I was inhigh school; I guess one could say I was covering all my bases, because youknow, just in case. I asked God to keep my family and friends safe. I asked him to make whatever boy I was crushing on at the moment adore me back. I prayed that when I grew up, I’d never know pain or sorrow, or loss. I tried to make bargains: if I quit smoking pot, I’d grow up to be a success and make my parents proud.

I’ve been told by Agnostics that God is a feeling, and not so much an entity; and while I respect that, I’ve just never felt that sort of presence. I always feel alone, and I know no one is out there looking out for me. How could God be looking out for all us? How could someone or something care that much to have a daily hand in the lives of so many people? Seems like the stuff of fairytales to me. I guess I don’t believe in things I don’t see -I need to be able to put my hand on an item, pat it, push on it, run my fingers across it before I can believe it’s real.

I could simply say I don’t believe in God because the notion of it is silly to me, but I don’t think that’s fair to those around me who do believe. More than anything, I think, it’s religion with which I have the main issue. While the majority of my friends are atheists, I have a few Catholic friends, and since I live in New York, even more Jewish friends. I work with a Muslim, and even know a handful of born-again Christians (yikes!). And while I find some beauty in the tradition of these individual religions, I still don’t get it. 

Having been raised Catholic, and knowing this religion the most, I find it quite antiquated and sexist. I guess all religions are sexist in their own ways.  I won’t even get into the Muslim outlook on women in both their society and religion. Catholicism doesn’t allow for the growth of women inside the walls of its belief system. Women are not allowed to be priests, and in not allowing them to attain this highly respected position, they are not allowed to conduct a Catholic mass, or preside over a parish. No, in the Catholic religion, women are given the option of joining the convent where they can become nuns – and from there their options are few. Just as it was hundreds of years ago, nuns find either missionary or education work – the power in Catholicism is left in the hands of the men.

This uneven power also extends past the cloth and into the parish where Catholcisim does not allow birth control. A "good" Catholic woman will practice the "rhythm method" instead of taking the birth control pill or using condoms. The rhythm method, of course, leaves plenty of room for error, which leads to unwanted pregnancies.  Since abortion is absolutely out of the question, more and more Catholics are inevitable. Should a religion have the power to control what you do or don’t do in the privacy of your own home? I don’t think so. Should it be allowed to dictate the intimacies of procreation and family? Again, I don’t think so. These are decisions best left up to the individual.

I once worked with a guy who introduced me to Judaism, or at least pieces of it. The dedication to the Jewish faith, even by those who weren’t completely devout, is a dedication I never witnessed in my own religion. Catholics don’t gather with their friends and families every Friday for Shabbat. And while this in itself is a beautiful tradition of bringing loved ones together, is it really necessary? Do you need to be part of a religion or believe in God to be a good, kind and loving person? No, you don’t. 

No matter whom you do or don’t pray to, we’re all in this together…life, that is. To me, that’s where the real beauty lies…the continuity of the grand scheme of it all. We’re all susceptible to being vulnerable or scared, feeling lost, hopeless, and even alone sometimes. But we also share the ability to be intensely, painstakingly happy at times, too. Isn’t that gorgeous? You don’t need to be a believer or of any religious faith to be able to see the simplicity and beauty in being part of something so phenomenal.

While my non-believer status will always be part of who I am, it does not define me as a member of society or of the human race. While I don’t believe in God, I believe in echoes and impressions that we make on each other in our day-to-day lives. I believe in feeling deeply, so deeply that I’m shaken to my core and I feel alive. I believe in my family and friends, I believe in the sometimes too rare kindness of strangers, I believe in being part of something so organic and righteous here on earth, that it far outweighs the need for me to seek a celestial being. But hey, that’s just me.

Disbelieving doesn’t make you a nihilist. There are plenty of things I do believe in, like love. However, God will take a lot more convincing for me.

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