I do not have a head for business. I know this for a fact. In college I took one business class to fill a requirement and when it came time to write my final paper, my topic was: "Why I’d Be a Bad Business Owner." I got an A-; apparently, I had an airtight case.
After college, I tried out my own handbag business. It wasn’t lucrative by any means. After all was said and done, I had made a few thousand dollars over the course of the year, I had my custom-made handbags in stores in Boston, Brooklyn, and Boulder, but I was definitely not on my way to being the next Kate Spade. I did it more for the love of handbags and sewing, and less for the big dreams of seeing my bags on the arms of celebrities and socialites. I thought I had abandoned all whimsies of the business world until a friend sent me an article about something I think I’d like to get into…making money off the Christians. Yes, that’s right: making money off the Christians. I’ve piqued your interest, haven’t I? So this company, Eternal Earthbound Pets, is offering the service of "confirmed Atheists" to look after your pet when the Rapture happens. Obviously, when the Second Coming of Jesus rolls around only the Christians (both alive and dead ones) are going to be called on up to Heaven, and sadly, their pets will be left behind. Eternal Earthbound Pets charges the very reasonable rate of $110 per animal per household ($15 for each additional animal per household), and guarantees the safety of your pet for up to ten years of receiving your payment. Yes, this means that if the Rapture goes down 11 years from now, then you’re shit out of luck. Like any good business, Eternal Earthbound Pets has a set of terms and conditions, and basically, you’re not getting a refund if you lose your faith between now and the end of the world, or if Jesus decides you’re not worthy and leaves you behind. Oh well.
As a "confirmed Atheist," I want in on this action! Right now Eternal Earthbound Pets is only offering to take in the usual pets like cats, dogs, birds and "small caged mammals." But what about horses? Miniature ponies? And we all know there are at least a handful of alligators living in one or two bathtubs in New York City that will need to be cared for when, or if, their owners go home to Jesus. And why limit it to the United States? This could be a major global enterprise! We could take that ten-year guarantee and double it! Why should you only get a ten-year window of time to ensure the safety of your pet? Some tortoises have been known to live longer than 150 years, shouldn’t they be allowed Atheist coverage if the Rapture happens 90 years down the road? I figure we can charge $100 per pet per year of coverage – $100 a year is nothing to a pet owner. If you want to insure that Harold, your pet tortoise will be safe in the arms of a loving Atheist in 2092, then sign right here on the dotted line and please pay the $830 needed to make sure that when the sun turns black, the Heavens quake, and fire shoots out of the mouths of babes, Harold’s appointed new guardian will pick him up at your house and bring him over to his new home.
And who do I want to go into business with? The Jews, of course! Like me, the Jewish community is not going to be invited to participate in the Rapture (oh, darn!). The Atheists and the Jews saving animals across the globe! How brilliant is that?! We can take our conglomerate to epic proportions and be Fortune 500 rich by 2011! Upon further research, I discovered The Rapture Index. The Rapture Index is updated daily about the state of the world and how close we are to the Rapture…yes, such things exist. As of August 31, the index was at 163 – which according to this particular website translates to "fasten your seatbelts" – so yeah, it’s a comin’. I say we sit down and flesh out the particulars of this business venture stat: someone can make the flyers, someone else can build the website, and I’ll stay home tonight and work on a catchy jingle that will make Christian pet owners line up around the block to get in on our services. There’s money to be made here, people, and I say we step up to the plate and take advantage of it. Now.