• Columbian policia have apprehended a 28-year-old man who ran a pyramid scheme so extensive that its collapse effected the nation’s economy.
• The Danish Navy rescued seven pirates that were stuck at sea on a boat with a broken motor, doing little to thwart my long-standing speculation that the Danes are in fact pirates themselves.
• A 105-year-old Dutch singer who has spent the past 60 years trying to shake his ties to the Nazis shot himself in the foot yesterday, calling Hitler, "A good guy…he was nice to me."
• The guy diagnosed with the only documented case of amnesia not used as a sitcom premise died this week.
• O.J. Simpson will be sentenced today for his role in last year’s robbery, and could potentially receive a life sentence.
• A man was stabbed to death for refusing to relinquish the microphone at a karaoke bar in Malaysia. Remember, Asians fucking LOVE karaoke. 
• Adelaide, Australia’s fifth-largest city, has been reduced to importing water during the continent’s current drought, the worst in over a century.
• Jewel thieves in Paris made off with $80 million worth of booty.

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• AT&T and DuPont don’t want to get left in the dust as far as this newfangled layoffs trend goes.
• Israeli troops exchanged gunfire with Jewish extremists in the West Bank.
• A bailout plan has been presented for New York’s Metro Transit Authority.
• Zimbabwe has successfully topped its economic crisis in terms of ridiculousness, declaring the nation’s cholera outbreak a national emergency. 
• German soldiers in Afghanistan are apparently drinking too much.
• British scientists have successfully engineered robot strippers.
• Lest anyone not understand the extent to which Australians are total hicks, measures have been proposed that would subject politicians to breathalyzer tests prior to voting sessions. 
• CBS-2 in Chicago reports that nationwide gun sales are up 42% since Barack Obama’s election last month.
• Moscow mayor Yuri Luzhkov has banned gays and lesbians from promoting their way of life, whatever that means, claiming they are responsible for spreading HIV and AIDS.

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• Cheers! Friday will mark the 75th anniversary of the ratification of the 21st amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which repealed the 18th amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. Now put that joint away or you’re going to jail.
• On a similar note, this past Monday marked the 75th anniversary of the bloody mary, which was first concocted in Manhattan by Ferdinand Petiot in 1933.
• The Minnesota Senatorial Election between Al Franken and Norm Coleman has still not been decided. 
• American folk and blues singer Odetta died in New York last night.
• For some reason, the Washington Post deemed it newsworthy that the attackers in Mumbai last week used digital maps and Blackberrys to coordinate their assaults. Because, you know, terrorists usually navigate using their trusty sextants and abaci.
• The New York State Government came up with a pretty cool solution to Mario Cuomo’s continued refusal to pose for a portrait for the State’s Hall of Governors.
• The Bush White House approved a rule yesterday to make it easier for coal mining companies to dump their debris wherever they see fit.
• The State of Hawaii and the Hawaiian Electric Company are teaming up to attempt an innovative new plan to make electric cars a feasible mode of transportation around the state.
• The New York Giants’ Plaxico Burress has been suspended without pay and placed on the reserved list for the remainder of the NFL season after he sustained a self-inflicted gunshot wound at a nightclub on Saturday.
• The Crown Heights man who stabbed a New York City bus driver to death during a dispute over a $2 transfer was apprehended by police yesterday.
• Gary Coleman was ordered to pay a $100 fine after pleading ‘No Contest’ to a disorderly conduct charge in a Utah court for his role in a fight and subsequent car accident at a bowling alley in September. The more interesting news from the linked article, however, is that Coleman apparently has a personal bodyguard.
• Trouble is a-brewin’ in friendly ol’ Canada.
• NATO deferred on the decision to add former Soviet nations Georgia and Ukraine.
• Logitech claims to have produced the world’s one-billionth computer mouse.
• The new visitor center at the U.S. Capitol opened to the public on Tuesday after six-years and $621-million in construction. 
• Tickets will go on sale December 26th for Will Ferrell’s new play, You’re Welcome America: A Final Night With George W. Bush, which will open on Inauguration Day, January 20.

The post Jewcy Zeitgeist: A Boozing Milestone, NATO Playing It Exclusive and Why Google Maps Should Be Outlawed appeared first on Jewcy.

• The renowned terrorist hunters of Pakistan will be assisting India in the investigation of the Mumbai attacks.
• A congressional task force has somehow determined that a nuclear attack is expected to occur sometime before 2013.
• Sound the drums of battle! The first shots have been fired in the U.S. War on Pirates!
• The Prime Minister of Thailand has resigned.
• The European Union will take in 10,000 Iraqi refugees from the U.S. war. 
• U.S. terrorism officials are taking this opportunity to deliver a polite but firm, "Toldya So," to India over last weeks attacks in Mumbai.
• Some pretty sweet Stone Age carving have been uncovered during an excavation in Russia.
• The six Jews confirmed dead in the Mumbai attacks were apparently tortured before they were killed.
• Kraft will provide heat at bus stops around Chicago this winter as part of an ad campaign for delicious Stove Top stuffing.
• The FCC is working to provide free wireless Internet access across the entire country, however, the network would be censored. Thanks, Big Brother.

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• President-Elect Obama is expected today to announce the appointments of Hillary Clinton and Robert Gates as the Secretaries of State and Defense, respectively.
• 20,000 U.S. troops are expected to be stationed within U.S. borders by 2011, courtesy of the Department of Homeland Security.
• CNN is taking on the AP with their very own newswire.
• American students are flocking to universities abroad in record numbers.
• Jorn Utzon, the architect who designed the Sydney Opera House, has died in Denmark.
• The BBC has made contact with the pirates who are famously dominating the Somalian coast, via a 12-year-old child.
• Taking a cue from Caesar Bloomberg in New York, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez wants to amend his country’s constitution to allow him to run for office in spite of previously established term limits.
• The goverment of the Indonesian province of Papua wants to implant HIV sufferers with microchips.

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• Defense Secretary Robert Gates will get to keep his job, at least for now.
• Ibrahim Nasir, the first president of independent Maldives, died on Saturday in Singapore.
• Michael Vick has entered a guilty plea for last year’s dogfighting charges and could be granted early release from prison on grounds of being a famous person.
• A Russian economics professor predicts that America will collapse and break up into several autonomous countries, with Russia and China becoming the world’s financial regulators.
• Venezuela is playing host to several Russian warships, the first Russian presence in Latin America since the Cold War.
• Like the Jewcy staff, astronauts aboard the International Space Station are hoarding their urine for future consumption. 
• Americans are stockpiling weapons amidst fears that the incoming Obama Administration will take measures to restrict gun ownership.
• 360 people in Zimbabwe have died of cholera since August. 
• Robots can now act in Japan.
• An Italian right-wing political party is offering 1500 Euros to any families who will name their children after Mussolini or his wife.
• Atlantic Records reports that digital downloading has surpassed physical CD sales for the first time in the company’s history.

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