Anyway, I decided to join JDate for a few reasons. 1. My dad said he would pay me to do it although I have yet to see that money direct deposited into my account. 2. My roommate from college met her now fiancé on it (although when she joined we all made fun of her NON STOP). Now the bitch is laughing all the way to the chuppah. In addition, everyone’s cousin, including my own, has met their wife on JDate, so I realized I gotta keep up with the times. I don’t have an Instagram so the least I could do is keep up in other ways. The last straw came when I read a quote from Robert Frost or JFK or someone and it said, “Your destiny is not something to wait for, it’s something to be achieved.” Clearly, he was talking about JDate. Or the Cold War. Whatever.

So I made a sexually appealing profile and let me tell you, I found so many people who I know in real life and would never expect to see on the site. The problem is instead of looking for new guys, I just sit there and send sexual messages to the people I already know (both male and female) because I find it humorous. I just imagine them thinking they got a message from some hot bitch, and it’s just little old me sexually harassing them … usually in Hebrew. My roommates will often call me from their rooms and say “what are you doing?” I answer with a simple “Ohhhh, nothin. Just JDating in the living room.” It’s my new favorite verb and lately, I’m constantly tempted to put a J before everything. Whenever I use the word J-Walking I laugh to myself.

So … there are a few guys worth mentioning. One is the guy who messaged me and the subject of his email was “NINNNNJJJJJJAAAA.” ENOUGH SAID. Then there was the gem whose personality profile is fine but looks like the spitting image of The Craigslist Killer. Too much, too soon. My favorite was a guy from New York who could not have been better looking. His profile seemed cool and I was starting to think he might be my other half when I noticed that he may or may not have been 5’5’’. That isn’t just short, that’s minuscule. Really rude of God to do to him. If he was an Atheist, I would get that. Last but not least, came “Dimitry.” Dimitry had a name that immediately gave away that he was a Ruski. Ever since my Russian ballet teacher had no sympathy for me—the poor child with a red, hand-me-down leotard when everyone else had a regal pink tutu—I just haven’t been able to connect with Russians. Sue me.

Anyway, Dimitry looked identical to my ex boyfriend, so logically, I wanted to give him a try. Always a healthy decision. So he seemed cool, we messaged back and forth a little and then he asked for my number. I gave it to him with the rationale that Time Warner and the Gas company have my social security number, so what’s one more asshole knowing my personal info. He texted me right away. Like within 5 minutes. Eh. We chatted and then the convo was over and I said bye … and after my bye … he sent A SMILEY. No, no, no. It was over. Long story short, he left me a voicemail the next day. Let’s just say his voice was at an octave I don’t think Susan Boyle could reach. So high pitched. My soul mate doesn’t have a mouse voice. He just doesn’t.

The point is I’m gonna J-Wait and see if there are any gem stones for me to meet on JDate because that’s what my look-a-like Gisele would do … if she wasn’t married to Tom fucking Brady.

A version of this post originally appeared on Another Day in Paradise on May 31, 2012.

Gabriela Marcus graduated NYU Tisch School of the Arts a few years ago with a degree in drama. She is an aspiring actress and writer living in Los Angeles. If you want to know how that’s going, you can read her blog.

The post J-Dating in the Dark appeared first on Jewcy.

Some have called this the greatest year in television since 2010 and I think those people are right. Here is what I’ve notice from a year of watching far too much (but really not enough) television:

Jonathan Ames the character is Half-Jewish but the man definitely is not

This might be the last season of what was our favorite show of 2010, Bored to Death. It’s undoubtedly a bummer but, considering how specific a niche it hits, it’s not a surprise. Though, the second season will probably go down as the show’s best, this season felt the most fully realized, and the best reflection of Jonathan Ames himself. As a memoirist, Ames is famous for an absurdly Jewish variety of sexual and personal frankness with an undercurrent of sweetness. Bored to Death, though equally as Jewish and sweet, had never been as comfortable in its perversion, instead using it as a catalyst for action or a gag. Some of have referred to this season as the show’s darkest but in a way that makes it its most honest. Ray fetish for much, much, much older woman was not a one episode goof but a revelation into his character; George’s daughter married a much older man because of his absence as his father; (Spoiler Alert) Jonathan ends the season (the series) knowingly in a relationship with his sister because they’re perfect together. All these stories are treated with certain dashes of silliness (the show is a comedy after all) and seriousness. There is one jokes that jumped out from the season, from Jonathan, “I’m good at platonic. It’s my default sexual setting, after nervous.” Never has a line from the show felt like it could so easily fit within the prose of Ames (the real life one). If this is in fact the show’s last season, I think this is the right way to end it.

Glee still exists and every time I watch it, I think “Man, there are a lot Jews on this show and boy are they all THE WORST.”

I watched last week’s Glee, you know just to check in. Do people still like this show? Did people ever like this show? I’m as happy as the next guy that all these Jewish teens are getting work but do they all have to have such annoying faces. What I gleaned (or gleened) from the episode is that this school that never wins regionals has such a wealth of glee clubbing talent that they could make two teams of annoying jerks. Still, the main team of jerks beat the newly formed jerks (coached by the delightful Idina Menzel). One of the winning jerks went to convince the losing jerks to return to the fold and form a super club of jerks. The losers, however, were worried that Rachel, the show’s queen jerk, would want all the attention because she is the queen jerk. In a big surprise twist, the losing jerks DO join the winning jerks—all hail the super jerks! Next stop regionals!

The Rise of the Jewish Asshole

Friends ended in 2004 and took with it Ross, the last pure manifestation of the neurotic Jewish archetype on television. What followed was the curmudgeon Larry David, the ferocious Israeli Ari Gold, and Judd Apatow’s Jew slob. Now seven years later, there are many male Jews responsible for the lion’s share of their show’s comedy but they are far from insecure nervous wrecks—they’re asshole. Schmidt (The New Girl), Max (Happy Endings), Ruxin (The League), Jean-Ralphio (Parks & Recreation), and even in a way Maroon 5 lead-singer/The Voice judge Adam Levine are all openly Jewish and are all apparently douchebags. The slovenly Max proudly acknowledges that he will best survive a zombie apocalypse because he doesn’t care about any of his friends; Schmidt routinely works taking his shirt off into conversations and speaks in a way where a douchebag bar is necessary; Ruxin behaves like the human equivalent of a Disney villain; Adam fills the Simon Cowell role of his singing competition but replaces a English prickishness with a Jewish intellectual superiority and a uniquely Los Angelian smugness. When I interviewed Schwartz earlier in the year, he had this to say about his scene stealing character:  “Jean-Ralphio is a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG so in my head I’m like, ‘What is douchiest way to do this’“ and he absolutely nails it, they all do. Yet they are all loved characters and its likely cause they are exactly that, characters. In the case of all of them (except Levine who is liked because generally he’s harshness is correct), they are playing against the archetype. All have had at least a few moments of vulnerability that suggest under their tough, wavy brown-haired exterior exists a little man with bad posture, who’s worried that the discoloration on his lip is Cancer.

The Gif-able Jewish Sex Symbol

Two years ago Details posted an article, “The Rise of the Hot Jewish Girl,” which seemed complimentary but mostly boiled down to “Hey Jews, congrats, your Catholic friend wants to fuck Mila Kunis.” To Details, the “Fran Drescher rep [reputation] has given way to a more smoldering image.” What it failed to realize is there were plenty of people who grew up having a crush on The Nanny’s Nanny. This year’s Jewesses are unmistakable so and derive both a sexiness and power from it. On Community, the hotness of Alison Brie’s Annie’s Jewishness has been alluded to since its first season, but it was this year where her character started to wholeheartedly own it. To this point Community creator, Dan Harmon, was quoted earlier this year as saying, “I … do try many times a season to put Alison [Brie] in a situation, wardrobe-wise, that I know is going to end up as an animated GIF file,” and he has succeeded. Yet, Community avoids reducing her to nothing more than Two & a Half Men styled objectification by winking at it and finding comedy in its absurdity. This culminated in last week’s Christmas episode and her performance of “Teach Me How Understand Christmas” which owed a lot to one Jewish sex symbol of the past, Betty Boop. Similarly, the “billion percent Jewish” Kat Dennings brings an overt sexuality to her supposedly Christian, Max, on Two Broke Girls. The show is a good a show wrapped in the clothes of a bad show but one of its bright spots is Dennings (the other is the second broke girl) who brings a flawed toughness to Max, a centerpiece of which is her crassness. About three times an episode there is a double entendre based joke and though they are oft groan-worthy, they do contribute to the confidence inherent in her character. On Shameless, Emmy Rossum also is not supposed to be playing a Jew, but have you looked at Emmy Rossum’s face. She is the show’s star and frankly, gets naked a bunch. However, though Showtime has a reputation for intentionally gratuitous nudity, Emmy seems very assured in its necessity for the part, explaining on Chelsea Handler: “Sex is meant to feel good, and she wants to feel good. Her life is so shitty in so many ways. Some people use alcohol, some people use gambling, and some people use sex.” I’m aware it’s a bit reductive to assert that these Jewish women’s sexuality is their noteworthy trait; however, it’s also a bit reductive to assert that their characters’ sexiness must be exploitative, especially considering how much ownership each brings to it. More than anything, all three characters are good characters, rich characters and if it means they need to bring a certain Semitic hotness to them, so be it. Also, Fran Drescher came out with a new show this year for TV Land called Happily Divorced—she’s wonderful in it.

The Return of the King

After two years off, Curb Your Enthusiasm came back this summer. This season can be remembered as the one where Larry lives in New York or the one where he is completely single; however, I think of it as the one where he’s the happiest, which might be because of the divorce and/or New York. There was still plenty of grumping around but it was difficulty to ignore a certain smirk that he brought to his performance. In the hilarious episode where he and Rosie compete over the same girl, it was hard not to imagine that instantly as the camera cut they all started cracking up. Often, this can be a problem for sitcoms* but considering how long we’ve known this character (including the years he was George Costanza) as a miserable, unlucky crank, it’s quite nice to see him having a blast.

There’s a dramatic Jewish Lead that you can really hang your Yarmulke on

Football-crazed Dillon, Texas—zombile-apocolyptic rural Georgia—crystal meth ridden Albuquerque are not places that scream “Jews Welcome!” Accordingly, during this golden age of a television there has been a decidedly lack of Jewish leads.** Boardwalk Empire has a bunch hanging around yet despite some being badass they aren’t nearly as well rounded as the principle leads. Also, though others at Jewcy might disagree, it’s hard for me to think of Boardwalk Empire as anything but a very attractive snoozefest—earning it the nickname from our friend Julie Klausner, “Boredwalk Empire.” No, this year’s best new Jewish character is from this year’s best new show, Homeland. Mandy Patinkin, who we (or at least I) last saw 12 years ago playing Huxley in the seminal The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland, plays Saul Berenson, CIA Middle-East Division Chief/mentor to the shows lead, Carrie Mathison (Claire Danes). Saul is quite possibly the most nuanced and specific Jewish character ever (yep, ever) to be put on American television. Episode seven (aka the one Showtime will submit for his eventual Emmy nomination) features him on a long drive with a terrorist he’s trying to crack. The drive takes them to a broken down farmhouse in rural Indiana, which we learn was his families manufactured synagogue. He tells the terrorist of feeling like an outsider due to growing up one of the few Jews in town, and the animosity he felt towards his faith as a result. What is so engaging about the character, and Patinkin’s performance, is that beyond the necessary heft behind this moment there’s a twinge of mystery. Homeland is fundamentally a political thriller and with Saul they’ve created a character so nuanced and complicated that it’s hard to exactly know what he’ll do.

Next year should be a fun one: Mad Men is coming back, Dustin Hoffman is going to hang out with some horses, and we’ll all have a blast. Until next year, I leave you with my Top 10 Shows of 2011:

1. Friday Night Lights
2. Parks & Recreation
3. Homeland
4. Louie
5. How I Met Your Mother
6. Breaking Bad
7. Community
8. Happy Endings
9. Curb Your Enthusiasm
10. 30 Rock

*One of the many things Whitney struggles with is how satisfied Whitney the actors looks when the studio audience laughs at the show’s “jokes.”

** Breaking Bad does have Saul Goodman but the non-Jew Bob Odenkirk plays him in a way where it almost feels like the whole Jewish thing is a way to hide his real identity.

The post The Year In Jewish Television appeared first on Jewcy.

From the moment Mike Edison wandered into Los Angeles’ Stray Cat Cafe with his entourage, including Counterpoint/ Soft Skull Press publisher Charlie Winton posing as his chauffeuring Samoan lawyer, for the occasion of a very Jewcy interview before a lively reading of his newest Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! across the street at The Last Bookstore, the vibe of the evening was a largely liberated one. And not in the scary Big Lebowski nihilist we-believe-in-nothing sense, but somehow still bound by something sacred, despite the passing around of a vulgar vintage canned Penthouse puzzle and even more filthy discourse. Yes, while he just about manages to use every word soapboxed by Carlin in the index alone, Edison engages in something wholesome and good in his chronicles: preserving freedoms.

Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! reads like the lovechild of Screw Magazine and Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States. In this highly researched yet devourable volume, Mike Edison, founding publisher of High Times and editor-in-chief of Goldstein’s Screw (a cornerstone of uncensored, smart free speech with an actual informed opinion–pro-sex, yes, but also anti-war), provides a historian’s perspective that is that of the insider at the top, but also more importantly that of the active citizen who has done his part in testing, exposing, and now chronicling the limits of freedoms so that they (and we) could continue enjoying them today. Dirty! pops four notorious gentlemen–Hefner, Goldstein, Flynt and Guccione–into a time machine so that they could be reread in their appropriate contexts, rather than through the traditional skewing lens of a moralizing public applying an emotionally-charged value system. And the outcome is not entirely reverent.

Starting with a crash course in the history of US sexuality, Edison hits up the most interesting gamechangers in the perceptions of sex through the country’s short history. It’s a match between the Comstock-humping prudes and the libertarians fought outside the ring (that Edison is familiar with in his dabblings with Kaufmanesque wrestling) and in the centerfolds, courthouses, cities, and suburbs of the country.

The book is riddled with citations of court cases. Another American tradition after porn is the popular punishment of its purveyors and fans, citizens on the prowl for the perfect quench to a primitive thirst sans measurable harm to others, reactionary persecution that is an offense against constitutionally protected individual pursuits of happiness. In addition to the freedom of religion, Dirty! reminds that it is important to defend the part of the first amendment that also protects freedoms from religion so that the peaceful minority can do what it does without the restraints of a system to which it does not subscribe even tacitly. Through this volume, a contextualized discourse that goes beyond good and evil is made possible equally for those who agree and disagree with the achievements of fellow American playboys and hustlers.

Dirty! deeply profiles the drives behind smut kings and what dents they made in the economics, politics, and morality of the country over the decades between the 50s and the information age. Their victories (like Goldstein’s relatively modest win against Pillsbury for cartoons in Screw portraying indecent acts among baked goods with yeast infections) and failures (Guccione’s Gore Vidal-screenwritten, Roger Ebert-walked-out-on Caligula) are scrutinized unapologetically (with his sex-drugs-rock-and-roll-allegiant biases exposed gonzo-style at every peephole) side-by-side with other iconic champions of freedom off the printing press like Jewcy-favorite Lenny Bruce. One of the shiniest gems in the book is the primary document that acts as the final chapter, an interview with Chip Maloney, a smutty relic of a pretty much extinct breed of journalism. A man with “so much shit inside his head, he should clean his ears with Pepto-Bismol,” Maloney’s is a day-in-the-life account from the perspective of Goldstein’s favorite ghostwriter, pairing well with Edison’s first book, his autobiography I Have Fun Wherever I Go.

Man-haters may be silenced in noticing that a prevalent persuasion in the book is Edison’s staunch feminism, manifesting most vividly in his disdainful view of Hugh Hefner, Playboy extraordinaire who helped send the modern material girl to the shallow end of the pool. It is a passion felt most during the Dirty! “reading” in his inspired beat “Hugh Hefner Hates Girls,” (accompanied by the Space Liberation Micro-Arkestra, featuring Danzig veteran Howie Pyro on zero-gravity fuzz guitar, Beatnik No. 9 on bongos, and Edison on electric space piano and theremin). Throughout the progression of Hefner’s trajectory, Edison deduces the king-pimp’s deep-seated anxieties stemming from early miserable romantic relations that reveal some major roots of idealogies supporting the possession of women in modern pop culture.

I don’t care who he had to screw to get here, Edison’s is noble work done not because he hates women, but because he loves people and their freedoms. As was deduced at the Stray Cat, he is the gentleman pornographer. An established “fucking mensch,” these two words describe the state that every self-respecting human being wishes to embody, from the holy rabbi to the common scumbag.

The post Jewcy Interviews: Mike Edison Talks Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! appeared first on Jewcy.

As the foliage withers to dead orange, so too must your delusions annually dissipate. The anachronistic Jewish spring cleaning of high holy days is a tradition that allows participants to reevaluate decisions that made doves cry. Repentance requires self-awareness, sacrifice, and the resolve to act differently. Whether you spited another person, yourself, or your spiritual compass, admitting wrong humbles, cleanses, and allows you to bypass a future as a lone schmuck that even you can’t look at.

But what’s the point? What are the incentives to go the distance and convince yourself, your people, and the lord that you will no longer do what thou should not have?

You’re sorry because you ruined everything.

• Thinking that everything bad is your fault is exactly how you should feel! Shame on you!

• Cruise’s eyes in Legend really resemble the fear-stricken ones from Blair Witch: it’s the realization that the apocalypse is near, and you ruined everything. The only person who could empathize with the kind of fuckup that enables the Lord of Darkness to a thrown of power is probably Steve Bartman.

You’re sorry because you don’t want to go to hell.

Damnation isn’t necessarily a leading driver for atonement among the Jews, unless you count your mother’s threats. Choosing to improve out of fear of the alternative is part of a logical survival instinct: I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to get caught, I don’t want to die, I don’t want eternal fire and everlasting pain.

Repent! For the anger of the lord is on the nations. Shoulda read his pamphlet the first time around).

Worst-case-scenario.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8V_6M4lmgY

Or

Kinky guilt-ridden folks can turn to the Christians for a fun alternative to fasting. Since their literature conveys the belief that no amount of atoning will ever do the work to clear your tablet, that it is up to someone holier than thou, the idea is to put yourself in the place of passion that another famous Jew was in. You know, roleplay. Just keep saying you’re sorry.

You’re sorry because you’re screwed.

Similar to running from threats of damnation, repenting because the only choice you have is even more severe self-sacrifice is a funny way to go about self-improvement, but hey whatever works.

Most definitely sincere.

Apologizing is a good way to get what you want, but not to keep what you have.

You’re sorry because you want sex.

Inscription in the Book of Life isn’t for everybody. If that is not priority, then something else is–and chances are, it’s sex.

Through honesty, self-judgment, and an argument for salvation, repentance can result in more mutually satisfactory tail, providing future opportunities to improve within the relationship.

Take a tip from the professor: leaving a comfort zone wakes you out of your sinning stupor, and is usually persuasive enough an effort to convince whoever you are apologizing to/ trying to bang.

Not sure what prompted it, but embodying this look of guilt, humiliation, and regret that you should aim for in any strategy that you implement.

You’re sorry someone else is an asshole.

Not actually taking any responsibility for wrongdoing, but doing the world’s karma a favor in repenting for someone who’s acting a bigger fool than you. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but you are a fucking motherfucking asshole” is really great direct communication, but the narcissistic nature of this kind of apology doesn’t really feature enough neurosis for the occasion either.

This approach doesn’t do much in the way of atonement, and probably makes for something you’ll have to apologize for later.
Bad habits fill important niches, and it’s up to you to fill them with better things, whatever that means to you.
In the end, it’s what matters to you most that is going to convince you to change your ways. On Yom Kippur we are all Thurgood Jenkins, tossing a final joint over that bridge in turn for the sweetest things in life. No matter what the persuasion, a pious person and a debaucherous one can both look around and fill in their own Halfbaked blank: “l love ______, okay ? l love it. But not as much as l love _________.”

The post Stop Hitting Yourself Why Are You Hitting Yourself?: Incentives Behind Atonement appeared first on Jewcy.

What fun it would have been to deduce the vibe of festivities at the union of two Yalesters. (After crashing a birthday bash of one of their Ivy League peers at a downtown bar this weekend, I can confidently say that there was no dancing at this wedding.) But alas, The goyim sans moyle get to pop bottles, but don’t get dubbed Mazels. Instead, this week we take a look at some Jewish weddings that could have easily gone down on Skype as Google, Twitter, and the web at large celebrate the union of some of their own.

The wedding between Samantha Acunto and Brandon Cohen probably had the best analytics in the city. Both specializing in advertising on the gnarliest monstertruck of all search engines, their compatibility spans beyond devices and platforms. Hopefully they can avoid unsubscribing from one another in not throwing too much SPAM around.

Another match that goes more than tag-deep, litigious Kimberly will forever be trending on Chad Rosen’s radar, a software programmer at Twitter. Elsewhere in Style, a science teacher ties the knot with a web editor/ freelance writer, proving that Einstein was right when he said “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” The internet is.

The post Monday Mazel: Jew Blue Weddings With The Best Analytics appeared first on Jewcy.

Wouldn’t it be great if religious observance were a bit more like Fudruckers?  At Fudruckers you choose your base: a hamburger, a turkey burger, a chicken sandwich; and then you take to the fixings bar with a steaming hot sense of self and an appetite for individuality, plucking pickles, Thousand Island Dressing, jalapenos and, whatever feels right for you.  So let’s say I identify as Jewish, take pride in my heritage and can even tolerate that stereotypes that come along with it, but I subscribe to other religious traditions as I see fit.  Perhaps, I like to celebrate Hanukkah, but I’ve enjoyed the scent of a Christmas tree and find the whole mistletoe thing rather alluring.  Best of all, this pan-religiousness would mean being able to pick and choose holidays as needed.  This year, there have been quite a few non-Jews who could probably benefit from taking a little time out of their year, to abstain from food, beat their chest and pray for god to inscribe them in the Book of Life.  The following news-making non-Jews in particular might want to buy tickets for temple before they run out.

5. Charlie Sheen

Compared to the rest of the people on this list, Charlie Sheen is an absolute mensch, and after all is said and done, he came out of his public meltdown looking not-so-bad.  In fact, his life has become something of a meta-reality show, that’s tested positive with the world.

Last week Two and a Half Men premiered its first sans-Charlie season, going up against the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen.  Though the roast was by far the funnier watch, it had no chance of competing against the sitcom behemoth for ratings.  Although Kutcher’s whole dumb-lovable-millionaire act felt like nothing more than a slightly tweaked version of his character from That 70’s Show, critics and fans ate it up, which is exactly the kind of thing likely to make a middle-aged Hollywood train wreck relapse.  Since tiger blood medically has no more tolerance for crack cocaine than human blood, why not spend an hour suffering the bad breath and inscrutable hymns of the high holidays.  Chaim Levine can probably recommend a Torah portion for you read.

4.  Mel Gibson

Why not right?  You know he wants to do it.  Mel Gibson’s life has become a big game of “What can I do to become a bigger a-hole.”  Making a movie version of the Hanukkah story crossed an invisible line.  Now it’s just a matter of dreaming up the most ridiculous, bad taste things he can possibly do.  However, attending High Holiday services for Mel might actually do a fair amount of good.  The Beaver was proof that no matter how good a movie he makes, he’s soiled his reputation too much to successfully act in movies, so a meltdown is probably right around the corner.  After Yom Kippur, perhaps he’ll go ahead and decide to convert.  It’s absurd, I know, but this is the nature of what the world is like after the invisible line crossed.

3. Sarah Palin

For those who are thinking that it’s unfair to include the Palin on this list, please consider for a moment the entire Tea Party, and the possibility that Palin was the spark that ignited it.  But don’t stop there: Palin did a pretty nice job skirting controversy after the Arizona tragedy, but to act like nothing was wrong with those target posters she made is sad, and deserving of at least one day of atonement.  Moving along, the Palin daughters have turned into a slightly less zombie-like equivalent of the girls from the Westboro Baptist Church with their anti-gay rants and Facebook wall posts.  Thus we must blame the mother that bore them.  The Palin’s have shown that perhaps G-D knew what he was doing when he put Alaska way up high, separated from the rest of country.  At the very least, Sarah might want to atone for the all the bears she put down this past year because Paintball just wasn’t satisfying enough a thrill.

2.  Rupert Murdoch

This one is pretty self-explanatory.  Murdoch is going to end sitting pretty after all is said and done with this hacking scandal, and at the very least he might want to get right with the man upstairs.  Unlike the New York Post, actual consideration goes into who makes it into the book of life, and Rupert as old as you are, might want to consider an hitting the bimah and belting out a few Avenu Malkenu’s to make sure your byline gets printed.

1.  Casey Anthony

If, in the name of shorthand, you were to call this a “Worst People of 2011” list, you wouldn’t be far off (with the exception of Charlie Sheen.)  Yes, Casey Anthony takes the cake when it comes to being the worst person of 2011.  During the trial, people split into those who thought that she was guilty and those who thought she was not guilty, but now that the trial is over, there’s pretty much no discrepancy regarding whether or not she’s a good person.  Inherent in Anthony’s case for innocence was the notion that she was a terrible person who mistakenly killed her daughter and then covered it up and Snookie’d her way around Florida for a month.  If Casey Anthony were to subscribe to the Fudruckers religious movement, she might want to go straight to Ramadan after Yom Kippur.   In fact, Casey Anthony might just want to never ingest food again in order to get right with the lord.

For the rest of us, the High Holidays, though severely unpleasant, is the season that keeps observers in check for the rest of their year.  Had the people on this list knew they’d eventually have to revisit their trespasses come late September, maybe they’d have thought twice about being such bastards.

The post Godforsaken Goys: Five Non-Jews Who Need Attonement For 5771 appeared first on Jewcy.

September is a time for many beginnings, including (perhaps most important) the Jewish New Year and the start of the NFL season. We had a close call with the league lockout, but there are a few Jewish owners who will have a little bit less to atone for on Yom Kippur now that the stadium doors are open and the games are on.

We counted 13 Jews in the NFL this season, representing 10 teams, and playing a wide range of positions on both sides of the ball and special teams. Here’s who we see being notable in 2011:

Gabe Carimi (T, Bears)
Carimi has been on Jewcy’s radar since he was picked up by the Bears on draft day last April. “The Jewish Hammer” stands 6’7”, weighs 315 pounds, and is projected to be a starter on the offensive line. He has his work cut out for him protecting Jay Cutler, but we see him and Chicago doing good things in 2011. Possible Super Bowl appearance? We’re not sure, but we’d love to see this guy have a go at the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Adam Podlesh (P, Bears)
The Bears went from no Jewish players last season to two in 2011. Podlesh spent the past four years as a solid punter for the Jaguars, and now he brings his services to the Windy City alongside Carimi.

Antonio Garay (DT, Chargers)
This 320 pound defensive lineman had a breakout year with the Chargers in 2010, collecting 5.5 sacks and 48 tackles, but San Diego slipped from the league’s elite ranks. Look for Garay to have another strong year and the Chargers to rebound. Jewcy predicts we will see him deep in the AFC playoffs.

Sage Rosenfels (QB, Giants)
Congratulations, Sage, you are the backup to Eli Manning. Before that you bounced around the league backing up Brett Favre in Minnesota, Matt Schaub in Houston, and Jay Fiedler in Maimi. Look, we really want to see you succeed, and the Giants are our home team, but until you guys figure out the Philadelphia Eagles and the rest of the NFC East, we just don’t see this being your year.

Adam Goldberg (T, Rams)
Goldberg wins the prize for most generic sounding Jewish name, though he’s only Jewish on his father’s side. His St. Louis Rams have a great shot at winning the weak-as-usual NFC West, but they won’t get any further.

Kyle Kosier (G, Cowboys)
Sure we’ve got love for this offensive lineman (what’s up with all the Jewish linemen?) who gets plenty of playing time in front of Tony Romo, but the bottom line is that he’s on the Dallas Cowboys, and what self-respecting Jewish website would say something nice about the Dallas Cowboys?

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Last Wednesday I joined the covenant of Abraham.  I stood before the mikveh a gentile and left a Jewish woman.  My rabbis blessed me and handed me the Torah and now I’m part of the Jewish people.  I’ve studied and prepared for the day when I’d be able to say that I am a Jew.  For over a week I’ve been able to make that declarative statement, yet the same question keeps popping into my head-What happens now?

Our rabbis warned us that this would happen-the let down. If you’ve never been through the conversion process you may not know what I mean so let me explain.  There’s a lot of support and checking-in for would-be Jews.  When you are in the process of converting to Judaism you have a huge team of people behind you every step of the way.  These people are usually your rabbi but can also be other people in the process of converting.  If you’re as lucky as I was, you have between 4-7 rabbis at your beck and call almost any time of the day.  For the past year I knew that I could pick up the phone, write an e-mail, send a text, or Facebook message any one of them and was guaranteed to have a response within the hour.  Every week I went to the synagogue for conversion classes.  I sat in the same spot at a table in a room full of who wanted to convert to Judaism.  Each week I was engaged with Jewish texts, I was encouraged to look at them, read them, question them and read them again.  At least once a month and sometimes twice a month I sat down with my conversion rabbi to ask hard questions about my life, my future, my decisions.  I was asked to consider how I felt about God, Israel, the Jewish people.  I was asked to reflect about my Christian past and think about what trips back home would look like, sound like, feel like.  I was given so much information-passages of Torah, print outs, books with the most important chapters and pages highlighted for me, suggested supplemental reading and memoirs of converts.  You are given so much information in a loving, caring, thoughtful way and then one day, mikveh day, it all comes to an end.  This is not to say that my rabbis have deserted me, they have not and they are still there, but they’ve got new students to get to the place that I am now, a week-old Jew.

All primates care for their young.  Turn on any Discovery Channel special on primates and you’re sure to see a small infant monkey or great ape clinging to its mother for dear life.  Just as the baby clings to the mother, the mother clings to her baby.  She doesn’t let other monkeys come too close.  I read some where that it’s not unusual for orangutan babies to stay with their mother until their teens.  It occurred to me the other day that I’m a week-old Jew trapped in the body of a thirty-one year old woman.  Had I been born Jewish I would have an entire network of Jewish people to guide me through this infancy.  This is why it’s important to have a congregation before you convert-so that you have a group of people around you when you take those first steps into Jewish life.  Without a congregation to call my own, I’m like an orphaned Jew.  I thought that these first few weeks as a new Jew would be all about finding ways to live more Jewishly, finding deeper meaning in my Jewish practice, feeling more connected spiritually to Judaism.  With the High Holidays looming in the not-too distant future, it’s been more about trying to find a congregation that I can call my own.

Throughout the conversion process the community aspect of Judaism was always the largest pill to swallow.  Since I had refused to set foot back into my Baptist church at twelve-years-old I’ve been on a spiritual and religious path.  When I found Judaism last March I knew that I found what I was looking for.  Accepting the religious aspect of Judaism was not hard for me, being a loner-prayer it was the people part was the part of Judaism I struggled with.  This community aspect of Judaism was one of the questions that my beit din asked, “How did I see myself fitting in the Jewish community?”  I answered the question with a question, naturally.  “In an ideal situation, a congregation or Jewish community is a sort of safety net, the folks you turn to when things are going on in your life-good or bad.”  That’s what our conversion rabbi would remind us.  Isn’t that what my friends and family are for, I wondered.  Can’t I be a Jew on my own?  Turns out, you can’t.  Ever been to a seder with only one person present?  Neither have I.

For the most part, it’s safe for me to assume that the women and men in my conversion class have the safety net our rabbis talked about because the synagogue we studied in, the synagogue that handed me Torah, is their home synagogue.  If I was an Upper West Side-r it would be my home, my safety net.  As a Brooklynite, I’m still wandering.  Luckily I have a network of Jewish friends that serve as my Jewish family.  I have three synagogues that I’m seriously considering as synagogue homes.  It will be nice to have a group of folks to sit next to on Friday nights and Saturday mornings-going into a new shul, by yourself is so nerve-wracking.

There should be a support group for New Jews-New Jew Anonymous-where we lost at sea Jews can lean on other folks going through the same process.  One of my favorite bloggers and fellow Jew by Choice recently wrote about this feeling of “New Jew Angst“.  He reminded me that while I may be “lost at sea” trying to find my way,I’m in control of the ship.  As I read his words of encouragement I realized two things 1.  He’s really good at that ever-so-Jewish art of imagery in story telling. 2.  He’s right, I am in control.  As much as it sometimes feels like I’m drifting on an ocean of uncertainty, I have control of my Jewish destiny.

The other day one of my seven rabbis sent me an e-mail linking a trip to Israel she thought I would be interested in.  She closed her e-mail with the following, “Fly little bird, Fly!”  So that’s what I’m doing.  As much as it feels like I’m lost I was given a really solid step to start on.  I’ve learned so much in the past year and know that there is so much more for me to learn.  I could be complacent.  Just as I made the choice to become Jewish I could make the choice not to do another Jewish thing for the rest of my life.  I could ignore Fridays when they come around, I could forget to go to shul, I could never open my pocket Tanakh again, but why would I?  I’ve accepted this really beautiful gift, Judaism, and I want to make sure I’m as good to it as it has been to me.  So here I am, just a week old taking my first steps in this big Jewish world.

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Good News-The Date is set.  No, I’m not getting gay married to my sweet Jewish girl-I’m getting converted!  On August 17th at the West Side Mikveh I, Erika Davis, will join the Jewish people!  I cannot fully put into words what I’m going through right now.  I walked into my rabbi’s office last week expecting to have a normal “check in” and instead after a few minutes of conversation she said, “You’re ready.”

I sort of just looked at her.  I think I played it really cool.  I calmly took notes on the things I’d need to solidify over the next few weeks.  Personal Statement and Hebrew Name.  I smiled and nodded and when I got to the corner of 83rd and Central Park west my hands were visibly trembling as I dialed my girlfriend’s number.  She barely answered before I shrieked into her ear, “I’m GOING TO BE JEWISH ON THE 17TH!”

That was last week.  This week I’m in panic mode.  I knew that choosing a Hebrew name would be a vital step, I was just counting on having a bit more time.  I’ll admit I went pretty girlie with it.  I’ve written out my Hebrew name options in script, in print, and in my favorite fonts.  I’ve spoken them aloud, quietly and even shouted them.  When I first realized that I would have to choose a Hebrew name as part of the conversion process the idea seemed fun, even novel.  As my conversion date approaches it has become less novel and much more serious.  While I don’t think that I will legally change my name in the near future, my name will be on many halachic documents.  First and foremost, it will be on the piece of paper that declares my Jewish identity.  While it’s true that this piece of paper will not be sufficient for me to make Aliyah, it will declare me Jewish.  When I get married it will be on my ketubah and in most synagogues it will be the name used when I’m called to read Torah.  It will be used when I apply to, study, and graduate from rabbinical school.  It’s the name that will be on my children’s birth certificate and on my headstone.  Even when I am gone, my Hebrew name will be tied to my children and their children.  When I think about it in this way, it becomes so much more than just picking out a good sounding name from a list of names.  It becomes more than how it looks on paper.  It, in many ways, is a reflection of who I am as a Jewish convert and the Jewish person that I hope to be.

I started with a list of twelve names and have it narrowed down to 3: Adva אַדְוָה which means ripple.  Batyah בַּתְיָה which both means daughter of God-Pharaoh’s daughter left Egypt with the Israelites and renamed herself Batyah.  Dalia/Dalya דַּלְיָה which means branch-The idea of a branch is really attractive to me.  I don’t necessarily see it as a branch coming from a tree but as a branch connecting one thing to another.  Like as converts we are connecting our past to our Jewish future; weaving who we are into Judaism.

Born Jews have the opportunity to acknowledge their parents and therefore their Jewish past with Hebrew names.  When one is called to Torah or at any time when the entire Hebrew name is used, you hear those parent’s name; “Erika daughter of Vince and Pathy.  “My parents” will be Abraham and Sarah.  That, too, is a lot of pressure.  It carries a lot of weight and a lot of responsibility.  I don’t want to let the family down!  I’ve never actually been in a synagogue that uses this way of calling people up to Torah.  In all likelihood I’ll only use my Hebrew name at life events.  It shouldn’t be as hard as I’m making it.  Still, when I’m tossing these three names around in my head I remember one of my readers who lamented on their own impending name change, “What if I name myself wrong?”

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This week’s Simcha section was jam-packed with people who do so much good that it only serves to make each and every one of us feel bad about ourselves. From one Jewish announcement to the next, a bride or groom listed their employment as “good deed doing,” “world saving” and / or “peace making.” In short, I ended my reading of the Sunday Styles feeling sick to my stomach at the thought that I would return to my work on Monday as a fashion stylist, writer and publicist – doing quite little for the good of mankind and instead focusing all my energies on the well-being of their closets. Oh how materialistic I feel as I celebrate the meaningful mazals of the tri-state area’s goodie two shoes’ – may you feel equally as inadequate as you wish them a hearty mazal while realizing that your work as a magazine editor, investment banker and barista pales in comparison to the brides and grooms below.

Let’s start with Janet Weinberg, 56, and Rosalyn Richter, 55 – the chief operating officer of the Gay Men’s Health Crisis, Manhattan’s AIDS service organization, and the associate justice of the appellate division of the State Supreme Court in Manhattan. A justice of the New York State Supreme Court officiated the nuptials of these two dedicated servicewomen. God I feel ugly inside.

I then met Idit Klein, the Executive Director of Keshet, a nonprofit organization in Boston that works for LGBT equality within Jewish communities. Loving Idit already, I was even more pleased when I met her wife, Jordan Namerow through the pages of the New York Times. “Ms. Namerow, is the senior communications associate of American Jewish World Service, an international relief organization in New York.” As I was googling charities to donate chai ($18.00) to in order to make myself feel better for how little I have done for mankind as of late, I wondered – could Jordan Namerow have had anything to do with the genius Judd Apetow PSA Jewcy premiered earlier this year? International relief and comedic relief? Is there anything these women can’t and don’t do? UGH.

My frustration continues…Meet Heather Stoltz, an administrative assistant at the Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance in Manhattan. Heather married Geoffrey Mitelman, “the associate rabbi at Temple Beth El of Northern Westchester in Chappaqua, N.Y.” and I am sure, an all around goodie two shoes. Together the two plan to rebuild desolate communities, donate much of their hard earned wages to charity and sign me up for the Peace Corps. In her past time, Heather works as a textile artist who creates fabric sculptures. “Her work was on display earlier this year in group shows at the Barnard University Kraft Center for Jewish Life in Manhattan and in the Callahan Center of St. Francis College in Brooklyn.” Facilitating major girl power while being featured in two museum exhibitions? I can’t even get my two blogs in order…

Wishing all these amazing world savers all the best in their newly-nuptials and wishing me, you and everyone we know all the luck in the world trying to do as much for man and womankind as these couples have done in this year alone. MAZAL!

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