Fans have been a bit anxious about this final season of Big Love, concerned that, with so many new emerging plot lines, the writers are simply going to ignore the long lasting questions that have plagued fans since earlier seasons.  It seems that the writing of this final season, as well has the fans’ reaction to it, has been quite similar to the final season of Lost, in which the show’s writers attempted to introduce wholly new plot lines in order to wrap up old ones.  Lets explore the major conflicts that were visited in this week’s episode and see how they might help to inform the show in its entirety.

Lois and Frank

The Itchy and Scratchy like relationship between Lois and Frank is nothing new.  Since the show’s inception we’ve known of this tumultuous relationship, only at first glance, it seemed like a truly grave situation.  The introduction of Lois’s dementia may have seemed like a new plot line, but now, coupled with Frank’s busted hip, we learn that it’s merely a way of showing the bigger picture of their marriage.  Now that we see how their end looks, we get a better understanding of what Lois and Frank might have looked like in the beginning.

Cara Lynn Hot for Teacher

This one might be brand new.  Hell Cara Lynn was only introduced last season, but that doesn’t mean it won’t prove to somehow inform the show in a bigger way.  This week, Cara Lynn’s relationship with her teacher settled into seriousness and during the wedding reception, Margene finally caught on.  The concern in Margene finding out is that she might make it her business to put a stop to it as a way of dealing with her regret over marrying Bill so young.  Other than that, this relationship simply illustrates the general Utah weirdness we’ve been seeing all season.  When they all went out at the theater and Nikki thought the she was the object of the teacher’s affection, it was major dramatic irony, but totally realistic in this crazy Mormon world we’ve come to know.

Alby and the Compound

One of the most memorable scenes from this week’s episode was the shot of the compound when Bill and Nikki first drove in.  The snow covered grounds of the compound riddled with children brandishing shovels, and smashing TV sets to pieces.  “Something bad is happening,” Says Nikki, speaking as somebody who knows.  Later Adeline tells Nikki that Alby’s banished all TV’s and phones because the kids have discovered “Something called sexting.”

Meanwhile, Alby is busy buying up Bill’s Home Plus property in order to put him out of business and at the same time playing tiddlywinks with his new boy toy in his office.  Of course, Alby’s madness is nothing new, but neither is the Henrickson/Grant war, in fact, it’s a part of the very fabric of the show.  The great legend of Big Love is that Roman Grant probably murdered Bill’s grandfather in order to become profit.  Now, Bill and Alby are going to war.  Since the beginning of the show, viewers have wondered if the series will end with Bill as the new profit of Juniper Creek.  Suddenly, it seems very possible.  The question is: Will Bill turn into an only slightly more benevolent Roman Grant?

The Marriage

This is it, what Big Love is all about.  The entire show has been about this unorthodox marriage and how such a non-modern relationship works in the modern world.  Barb’s struggles with the way women are oppressed within her culture is a new way to splice modernity into the 3-way marriage.  This week, Nikki is married to Bill, but Barb refuses to be re-sealed to Bill, Nikki and Margene, despite their wishes.  Interestingly, as a result of Barb’s feminist awakening, she’s put in the position to reject her sister wives, “sister” being the operative word. The main theme of this season has been all about wondering what the marriage will look like at the end of the show.  This week, I put it to you that Margene, Barb and Nikki will stay sealed, however, Barb and Bill, will no longer be sealed.  How does that work?  I’m sure Big Love will be glad to show us.   Since the beginning, Bill has, to and extent been a non-entity.

Other questions this week included the Ben-Rhonda-Heather love triangle, Carl and Pam’s troubled marriage and the FBI probe on Bill for marrying a 16-year-old Marge.  All of which will no doubt, will be the means to some mind-blowing end.  Also, did you know that Mormons call non-Mormons “gentiles?”

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There was no holding back this week in the world of colossal, capacious and commodious love.  The question of the Henrickson’s three-way marriage, who will stay and who will go, reached a boiling point when, at the end of the episode, Barb and Bill shared the same, shocking sentiment.  The seeds of Rhonda’s return are starting to take hold, and the dead fish that is the “Bill on the hill” storyline somehow continued to flop around.  Lets break it down into the good and the bad.

The Bad: This week, Bill’s rival senator promised to back off his attacks.  A celebration was had, a football thrown, but then Bill was presented with a rather large catch.  The LDS church called Bill into their headquarters to inform him that he’s no longer allowed to call himself Mormon in public.  Bill eventually refused, knowing that by doing so, the attacks on his personal life would continue, as will the attempts to impeach him.

Didn’t this seem unwise?  Lets put it this way.  You’re running for senate as an openly Jewish man, but you belong to a small splinter group of Jews who believe staunchly in pre-marital sex.  In fact, your splinter group believes that Jewish law states believers are to have as much sex as humanely possible with as many people as possible, even outside of your marriage.  Some rep from a powerful group of Jews tell you that you can no longer call yourself a Jew in public, or they will seek to impeach, or disempower you.  Would it not be worth it mince words for a while in order to be able to further the agenda of your crazy Jewish sex cult?   What made this storyline interesting though, was how it illustrated the extent to which the LDS church has power over the government of Utrah, or at least Big Love’s fictional Utah.

Also in the bad category, Margene is called in Goji headquarters where she and Grant Show have it out about her religion.  Show implied that he cannot have a pligy working for the company. This was tough to buy.  No pyramid scheme is going to object to a top-seller’s religious beliefs, not even in Utah.

The Good: Most of the rest of what happened this week would fall into the “good” category: Cara Lynn is hot for teacher and Lois can’t stand living in suburbia, but the major moment in this week’s episode revolved around the following.

Turns out that Rhonda’s baby daddy Verlin had his fair share of trouble in Vegas, which had him wrapped in some manslaughter-y situation.  Alby, as he talks about this seems almost completely overcome with pleasure like he’s just heard about the crazy Jewish sex cult.  Since Alby’s tryst last season, it’s getting hard to tell when Alby is being Sinister, and when he being randy, and whether the two are mutually exclusive.  Asking Verlin to whack Don Embry, it seemed as if he was propositioning him to get beneath his desk, but he wasn’t, was he?  Obviously, their plot is going to be found out really fast thanks to gorgeous and treacherous Rhonda’s big mouth.

Of course, the most notable part of this episode, involved Bill and Barb.  In order to legally adopt Cara Lynn (not necessary considering her age, but I’ll bite,) he needs to be married to Nikki and therefore, must divorce Barb.  Although it’s always been implied, they actually say out loud this week that Barb and Bill have “a special relationship.”  Therefore, for Bill to even bring the possibility of divorce to Barb, was a step too far.  Meanwhile, Barb truly thinks, in their religion a woman should be able hold the same power (priesthood) as a man.  For Mormon’s, this is the equivalent of a Scientologist saying, “I believe that our whole family should be on Ritalin.”  At the very end of this episode, sitting on the bench where he proposed to her 20 years prior, Bill and Barb agreed to divorce.  This was one of the most shocking moments in Big Love history.  It was both sad and beautiful, because up to the very last moment, it seemed as though they were revisiting the depth of their feelings for each other, then it suddenly came to an end.  Us the audience member being entirely unaware of this coupled with their ability to almost telepathically communicate this huge decision, truly informs the episode’s title: Barb and Bill have a special relationship.

My prediction for the show’s ending is starting to take shape. Bill at the end, will be married to only one woman, Nikki, however, the family and the three sister wives in particular will somehow remain bonded in a way that’s unexpected.

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This week, we can officially add Big Love to the list of things, along with pizza and sex that are good even when they’re bad. Truly, an hour of the worst moments in Big Love series history, strung together into a single episode, would still be far more enjoyable than the best episode of Burn Notice.  Here’s what worked, and what didn’t’.

What Didn’t Work

Margene is only Sixteen: This week, the whole, “Margene was only 16 when she married Bill” thing, felt a little stagnant.  The storyline itself isn’t stagnant but it seems the writers haven’t fleshed out the characters feelings about it.  Is Bill upset because he now feels like all of the Polygamist cult leaders he’s claimed to hate or does he really think she might be damaged goods?

Bill’s Dream: Mr. Olsen and Mr Scheffer, lets be very clear about this, you are not the creators of The Soprano’s.  The Sop’s is the only modern show that’s been able to pull off the whole dream sequence thing.  In this is episode, Bill’s dream of his mother with Emma Smith (wife of Joseph Smith), while aesthetically beautiful, lacked the depth and potential analysis needed for a successful television dream sequence.

Mr Henrickson Goes to Washington: This was the big political moment that they’ve been working up to all season, and it just felt like the end of Legally Blonde or some politically slanted rom-com.  Every moment spent of politics feels like valuable final season time wasted.

Best of the Worst: The moment where Bill and the other senator “feel each other’s guns” and compliment each other on their weight and girth, was one of the best homoerotic television moments in some time.

What Worked

Multi Level Marketing: Margene selling Goji Blast to all her housewife friends has been comical and true to life, but this week, she’s begun to believe that her spirituality is somehow wrapped up in multi level marketing.  This feels like a critique on pyramid marketing; also self help culture and the way people use religion to hawk their wares.

Poor Lois: Lois Henrickson played Grace Zabriskie has had perhaps more memorable actor moments than any other secondary Big Love character, and this actress truly deserves an Emmy for her work.  In this final season, she starts losing herself to dementia, and this week we learn that the dementia was caused by un-treated herpes given to her by Frank.  Watching her, leaning her forehead against the Henrickson’s picket fence out in the cold saying, “It was all a waste, I’m filthy,” was one of the most heartbreaking moments on the show thus far.

Ben and Heather: Ben and Heather kiss this week.  But, just beforehand we are reminded that, in earlier seasons, there was very good reason to believe that Heather was a lesbian in love with Sarah.  Is she making out with Ben as some misguided way to channel that love?

Help Me Rhonda: The best part of this episode, hands down, was the surprising return of Rhonda Volmer, played by Daveigh Chase — also known as the scary girl from The Ring. Turns out, Rhonda got off the bus that Bill put her on and turned tricks in Vegas until she met Cara Lynn’s cousin and married him.  Each scene that involved Rhonda this week was among the best, but, at the top of heap was the attempted shakedown of Albert Grant.

This Week’s Best Line: “We may not be Catholics but we’re one up on the Scientologists…according to what I’ve read.” –Barb

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Big Love hits its stride with last night’s Christmas themed episode by laying out the main conflicts that will drive this season and close the show.

Margene’s Enlightenment: The major reveal in last night’s episode: Margene was only sixteen years old when she married Bill.  This packs an incredible punch, most obviously with regard to Bill’s place in the political spotlight, but also because it puts him amongst the false prophets he claims to oppose.  Bill always purported to be the moral polygamist, and now he’s realized that he took a sixteen-year-old girl into his marriage, a girl who might not have been sound of mind enough to choose their lifestyle.

Also, Margene is now coming of age.  All the multi level marketing stuff is just her late twenties drive to be an independent person, showing itself.  It seems she’s still drawn to Bill, but her diminishing sense of self might result in her leaving the family at the close of the show.

Barb’s Suffrage: Barb is the emotional anchor of the Henrickson family but this season, her bond to Bill might be the most tenuous.  Her desire for independence within her faith might be a dead end.  She’s realizing that she can’t be a free thinking human being within her faith and therefore within her marriage, and as a result the whole family walked in on her drunk at the end of last night’s episode.

Albert’s Reign: Having shuffled off his homoerotic-coil, Albert is storming the compound in attempt to “purify” everything in sight.  This week he kicked his mother, Adeline out of her house and had all of the dogs on the compound poisoned, but the real conflict took place between him and Laura.  After the dog incident and an apparent growing disconnect in the bedroom, Laura seeks Bill for refuge from the compound.  Bill takes her to a shelter and the whole incident coalesces with a stand off between Bill and Alby.  After punching Albert in the face, Bill spews a barrage of insults his way to the point where his Margene steps in to silence his him, keeping Bill from belittling him further in front of his kids.

There’ve been many frightening forces in the Big Love World, most notably the indelible Hollace Green, but the one that’s most potentially dangerous, is the pent up rage and unfettered insanity of Albert Grant.

This episode really moved Big Love back into familiar territory.  Thankfully Benny made his return to the show and Adeline and Lois, the secondary characters that really enliven the show, have become a solid part of this season’s storyline. The best part of this season so far, however, has been the prevalence of feminist undertones in recent episodes.  Shocking as it sounds out of context, Big Love is shaping up to be one the most important feminist TV shows of all time.   Otherwise, it’s a show about faith.  Without the polygamy theme, Big Love could easily be a show about a huge Hassidic family.  Gentiles aren’t the only ones who can ice skate to the Beach Boys, and they’re certainly not the only ones who do both beautiful and ugly things in the name of god.  A lot of big things are on the horizon, but thus far, predictions are futile.  God only knows what’s next.

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The ending to this week’s episode of Big Love was one of those moments that will go on to define the show.  It’s hard sometimes to pick out these points in the span of a multiple-season TV series.  Often, they come early on: the first episode of Six Feet Under absolutely defined the series, and one could simply watch the first and last episode of the show and have a good sense of what it was about, which perhaps is ideal.  In Big Love’s case, we’re dealing with a creative team that has a real sense of the importance of singular moments.  At the end of last night’s episode, Nikki showed up at Barb’s dance class to apologize for something she said (a jab at Barb’s parenting skills in relation to her daughter Sarah’s abortion.)  To Nikki, the class is a symptom of Barb’s recent rebellious behavior.  However, it turns out that the class is no “How to Make it Clap” type thing, it’s a straightforward Arthur Murray type dance class.  Amidst the apology, Nikki makes an inquiry.

“What do you do here?” Nikki asks.

“Just the standard dances, you know,” Barb says.

“Actually I don’t, I’ve never danced before.”

“It’s easy,” Barb says, “just put one hand here, and one hand here,” and goes on to lead Nikki in a dance to the song, “You’ll Never Know” by Dianna Krall.  This was a moment beautifully representative of this episode in particular, which visited issues of equal rights in marriage and the world at large, but it also represented the essence of Big Love as a whole.  So many people shy away from Big Love, thinking it’s going to be some kind of chauvinist sex fest, but so much of what we see in this show is about the bond between woman in this male dominated fringe existence, one that’s almost like it’s own self contained political system with a hierarchy that’s always in flux.  A man leading in a dance is a most basic symbol of societal male dominance, and here we see Nikki, a woman subjugated by men and dogma her whole life, now a woman in her 30’s who’s never danced, and she’s being led by another woman.  This episode in particular dealt further with equal rights issues by way of another stunning performance from Ellen Burstyn, who acts as an absolute gift to this show.  We’ve known Burstyn as Barb’s mother, Nancy Dutton, since the third season, a sort of pillar of the LDS community, right wing to her core, yet strong and independently minded.  She’s a Mormon Barbara Bush.  Now we learn that she was a supporter of the Equal Rights Act, and ended up wrapped up in a small scandal when she tried to arrange to have Betty Ford speak at her local activists group.  It turns out that she arranged for Ford to come speak, but was then reprimanded for it and told to cancel the whole thing.  Too ashamed to deal with the situation, she ended up leaving Ford stranded at the airport.  The theme of how someone who is seen as less-than in a religion in which they believe so strongly, deals with their own strong mindedness, how one squashes their own will in the name of faith, seems to apply to factions of Judaism as much as it does LDS.

The rest of this week’s episode faltered here and there, but was all around, a very strong episode.  In a final season, we hope to feel like we’re moving forward every moment, constantly pushing to wrap up loose ends.

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Sometimes, when you really love a television show through the years it can feel like you’re watching your child live his or her life.  Their hopes, their dreams are all put out there in front of you with vivid precision and you feel the joy of their successes and the pain of their failures as if they’re your own.  For those of us with paternal feelings toward HBO’s polygamist drama Big Love, it’s been a rollercoaster ride since the beginning.  The show was introduced to the world as a comedic drama about a man with three wives; a modern, ecclesiastical Three’s Company perhaps. Quickly, it became clear that Big Love was something much different.  Sure, there was the almost sitcom element of a man juggling three women and trying to meet all of their different needs, but there was something much more.  The campy opening credits with the Beach Boys theme song and ice skating sequence reminded us each episode to expect, if nothing else, a romp.  However, there were glimpses of this dark fantasy-type world of religious cultism and human subjugation, crazed and alienated fringe communities with their own set of rules and values that haunted the show’s main characters.  Other components of the show proved to be masterful.  With brilliant acting from an ensemble of character actors whose years of experience seemed to finally give way to this opportunity to shine.  As well as, a dark and magical sounding score by Mark Mothersbaugh and David Byrne, coupled with a genuine southern country and rock soundtrack featuring everything from Neko Case and Arlo Guthrie to the Misfits.   Big Love stood as a show that proved the importance of small details.  It continued that way for two groundbreaking seasons, always on an upward trajectory, and then last year, went tumbling down into a rut that could only be described as a kind of puberty.

In the fourth season, we the audience were put through a political campaign plot line that served to prod and annoy more than anything else, and an incestuous artificial insemination subterfuge that left us feeling like an over-worried parent, hoping it was all just a phase.  It seemed that even the show’s actors were starting to rebel when Chloe Sevigny, whose role as Nicolette Grant won her a Golden Globe lashed out in an interview, about how ridiculous the show had gotten.

Unfortunately, this was right when the world has started paying attention.  Those who’d caught on to Big Love early on had been spreading the word for years that this was on of the best shows on Television.  This, plus recognition from award shows had everyone tuning in at the most inopportune time.  Luckily, season four had its moments, and certain components were still in place.   Still, this wasn’t the Big Love that fans has been describing all those years, and it was announced a few months ago, that the upcoming fifth season, would be the show’s last.  A fully formed HBO original series is generally six seasons.  Still, the show would have a one season left to return to it’s glory, to put this beautifully fleshed out world to bed and perhaps deliver a history making series finale.  Sunday evening at 10PM, when the final season of Big Love began, long time fans let out a loud, “No!” at the very first frame of airtime.

What seemed like the greatest signifier of the show’s jaunt astray was the decision to replace its beloved, campy title sequence.  Last season introduced an entirely new opening and theme song.  The Engineers spacey track, “Home” accompanied by images of the cast falling through a black void, opened the doomed fourth season and, returned this Sunday to open the final season, thereby leading us all to think that the producers, like the show’s characters in that cursed title sequence, were still lost in the darkness.

While the political campaign plot last season had a “head in the clouds,” feel that irritated viewers, seeing the backlash of this polygamist coming out, felt much more grounded in reality.  The Henrickson’s are now in greater turmoil than ever before.  The family has become the black sheep of their community, their kids are being harassed at school and even Bill’s employee’s are turning on him.  Worst of all, each of Bill’s three wives has their own gripe.

Margene, who resisted coming to out to the world last season because of her burgeoning career was a TV jewelry saleswoman, has now been ostracized by the press as a jewelry “hawker,” and has been fired by the network, sans severance.  Margene begins this season in a state of constant dismay, but it seems that might she might soon find solace from a sales guru played by Grant Show (Melrose Place’s answer to Luke Perry.)  To see Margene swept up into the world of multi-level marketing, a cult in it’s own rite, won’t be unlike watching a beloved character fall victim to drug addiction, and should make for interesting final path for Margene.

Nikki, of all the wives, is perhaps the most okay with the current state of Henrickson family.  She spends most of premier episode protecting her children.  When her son Wayne is attacked at school, she scares the young bully into running into a pole and breaking his teeth.  Meanwhile, she lies to protect her daughter, Cara Lynn, from the truth that her grandmother recently burned her father and stepmother alive.  All of these things stand to illustrate the skewed way in which Nikki deals with the world.  Her disregard for social norms in bullying a young boy, and nonchalantly lying to her daughter about her dad’s murder, are shockingly normal for this woman who grew up in a gypsy-like, existence on the compound, which acts as something like “The Enchanted Forest” of the Big Love world.  However, Nikki’s one gripe with her family life is something that stands in direct opposition to her compound upbringing.  Nikki who grew up in a place where a man is expected to have at least three wives, is now tired of sharing her husband with two other women.

Then there’s Barb, the master matriarch, the first wife, who’s been the family’s glue since the beginning of the show, the Atlas to the Hendrickson’s world. Last season, however, in a completely out of character move, Barb attempted to sabotage her husband’s campaign, and then announced that she no longer felt as though she needed him.  In this season, we’re seeing Barb try to re-experience her life.  Be it Fundamentalism, or Mormon life in general, Barb is attempting to distance herself from her old life, starting with the “no drinking” aspect of Mormonism.  Marge buys a bottle of wine, first, she claims, to cook with, but then in a classic Big Love moment, we witness Barb, sitting in her kitchen with a boombox placed beside a bottle of wine on the kitchen table, blasting music as she pours a glass.  Our prediction: Barb converts to reform Judaism, becoming one of those hippy female rabbi’s who’s teaches yoga and sells homemade mezuzahs and menorahs.  Thus far, Barb is the Big Love character most likely to become a Jew although actress Ginifer Goodwin is actually Jewish and Barb’s mother on the show is played none other than Ellen Burnstyn.

This episode deals very little with one of the most intriguing aspects of the Big Love world: the compound of Juniper Creek, which is now led by Prophet Albert Grant, or Alby, who spent last season carrying on a homosexual affair and then mourning his lover’s suicide.  All we really see from the compound this episode is Albert returning from the dessert claiming he’s been cleansed and intends to cleanse the faith. He then expresses an intense hatred toward Bill Henrickson.  Bill more than ever is becoming a man with a lot on his plate.

Big Love is a show about people who are different from the majority of those around them, both in their beliefs and lifestyle.  Sometimes they are proud and sometimes they are ashamed, they deal with the fundamentalists by whom the world judges them, and with the temptation to blend in with their peers.  As fans, we find ourselves identifying so deeply with these people whose beliefs are so far from our own.  It’s the crux of Big Love, and an experience, that’s often eye opening at, and sometimes religious.

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It’s pretty standard for the networks to use all their heavy artillery during the Fall/early Winter months, and start throwing their b-team up after the new year.  But the TV battlefield has drastically changed, forcing network to stay on their game year-round.

Here’s why you’ve still reasons to yearn for that couch and put off finishing one of those big Jewish books for another day.

Big Love’s Final Act

For those who’ve never tuned in to Big Love because the premise didn’t seem like enough of a lure, you’ve missed out on one of the best shows on television.  Whether or not polygamy fascinates you, Big Love is worth watching more for the incredibly elaborate and fleshed out world that creators Mark Olsen and Will Scheffer have established within the show.  More interesting than polygamy in Big Love is the corruption that exists within the small splinter religion that most of the show’s characters belong to, corruption that mirrors many real life religious splinter groups.  Also, as we’ve said on Jewcy before, Big Love’s ensemble includes some of the most talented actors working on TV.  In fact, right now there’s only one other TV program that rivals Big Love in that regard, Breaking Bad, which doesn’t begin until July.  The subject TV show finales has been highly scrutinized in recent years, the finale’s of Six Feet Under, The Sopranos and The Wire have all made rather indelible marks, so it will be interesting to see if Big Love manages to do the same.  Lets just hope they find a new theme song/credits sequence or switch back to the old one.

The Return of TV’s New Best Comedy?

When Parks and Recreation began, it was perceived with almost universal ambivalence.  At that point, almost the entire TV watching world had fallen in love with Amy Poehler and Human Giant fans were psyched that Aziz Ansari had a new vehicle.  But the show seemed like a poor spin off of The Office, and for a couple of episodes, it was.  Then, during Parks and Recreation’s Season 1 finale, everything clicked into place and people decided that the show at least deserved a second season.  Ever since, Parks and Recreation has been hitting a no, delivering a pitch perfect season of deadpan comedy while maintaining enough drama for us to care about the characters.  Aziz and Aubrey Plaza have continued to shine outside of the show, which will either help or hinder this next season and now with the addition of Party Down star, Adam Scott to the cast, the show is rife with heavy hitters. If they manage to keep up the momentum, Community will have a rival for TV’s best new comedy.

More Gratuitous Sex!

Ever have that moment where you’re watching a show  and it dawns on you what it is that you’re watching?  For instance, you’re in the middle of an episode of Entourage, watching the gang gorilla step their way into some fancy party and you realize, “This is just one big fantasy for assholes!”

I’d assume that by now, most people have figured out that Californication is exactly like Entourage in that regard, a fantasy, a mode for viewers to live vicariously through the show’s protagonist, only for dads.  Hank Moody with his survived hairline, shades and cool older guy boot shoes, can miraculously have sex with anybody without having to express his desires at all, it’s sort of like dreaming of owning a La-Z-Boy that turns into a toilet.  The show has become a veritable live action version of Maxim Magazine, showcasing every gorgeous young new Hollywood actress — most notably, the unforgettable Madeline Zima. As soon as we see an attractive woman on Californication, we know that she’ll soon be having sex with Hank. There’s got to be a drinking game here.

TV Crack

Generally, reality TV can be characterized as a guilty pleasure, but there is a certain brand of reality TV, a kind that makes no bones about what it is, so self-acceptingly gratuitous and miserable, that it can only be described as TV Crack.  Two of the year’s best batches of TV Crack are still to come.  Jersey Shore: a show that most people hate on principle, but some like because they don’t know any better and a select few enjoy because of it’s almost John Waters over-top-ness, started last night and will keep us warm and tan through months of cold Thursdays to come.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is another of the awful, yet self aware reality shows, but this particular installment is special because of what we know is about to happen.  Camille is one of the housewives who, as the season begins, happens to be married to and completely enveloped by the life of Kelsey Grammar (you remember, tossed salads and scrambled eggs!)  However, in a bit a dramatic irony, we the viewer know that the couple splits during the course of the show, when Camille finds out that her husband has what Tony Soprano would call, a “goumar.”

Perhaps the best example of TV Crack is Oxygen’s Bad Girls Club, a show that puts both The Sopranos and Jerry Springer to shame with its gratuitous violence.  The brainchild of The Read World co creator, Jonathan Murray, this show is so self aware in how blatant it is, how lacking in any kind of theme or redeeming value it is, that it’s unrelentingly brilliant.  Bad Girls Club is merely a bunch of emotionally unstable women in a house, period.  Best of all, during the reunion shows, host Perez Hilton reserves the right to douse the girls with water or Silly String if they get out of line.  Think of it this way, if you’re going to rot your brain, don’t be half-assed about it.

More Excuses to Make a Mess

Top Chef can be either fantastic, or dreck, depending on the season, the theme and the characters/contestants.  This season, Top Chef All Stars gives us chefs who almost won in past seasons of the show, making for some of the hungriest and most talented competitors thus far.  My pick for the show’s winner: Chef Richard Blais.

On the other end of the dial, Chopped continues to flourish as “the cooking show that could.”  The network behind Chopped isn’t quite as big and the challenger and competition isn’t as elaborate, but Chopped manages to put out a show that’s as entertaining, if not more so than Top Chef, by keeping it simple, and by casting interesting and quirky contestants to battle it out.  Just remember, both shows have better kitchens than you do, and people who get paid to clean up the mess.

Lastly, Storage Wars is a new show based on one of the most fascinating recent episodes of This American Life, which followed around people who buy neglected storage units.  It turns out that if you miss three months of rent, they sell your stuff, and there are people who make a hobby out of buying it up.  A lot of them get junk, stuff soaked in urine or gnawed at by rats, but some manage to nab new naked photo’s of Parris Hilton or abandoned cars.  Just remember, if you find your garage packed in a few months with stuff you bought at storage auctions, there’s a show A&E that might help you, it’s called Hoarders.

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