Keep calm and buy bourbon—because it’s going to be a scarce commodity soon, according to Esquire. Apparently we’re buying whiskey faster than suppliers can produce it, which makes sense when you consider the fact that single-malt scotch and bourbon have become stratospherically popular in recent years (thank you, hipsters!), but can take over a decade to produce.

Jason Sheehan of Philadelphia Magazine explains:

See, whiskey—good whiskey—is kind of like the ultimate slow food. It takes years to produce the aged stuff, and even though whiskey distillers are generally pretty good about being able to see into the future and match supply to demand, what none of them saw coming 10 years ago when today’s aged whiskey was first being put to bed was the massive spike in whiskey drinking occurring today. As just one example, the folks at Buffalo Trace note that while bourbon overall is seeing a 5% growth rate (a nice, manageable number with current stock levels), the thirst for premium brands (of which Buffalo Trace is but one) is up something on the order of 20%. Which would’ve been great if, 10 years ago, someone had gone around to all the whiskey producers and told them that they really ought to up their production and storage by 20% to compensate for some mystical time when every hipster worth his mustache and tiny hat would be drinking Redbreast and Pappy like water.

Alas, the explosion of whiskey bars in Brooklyn couldn’t have been foreseen. And in addition to supply and demand issues, there’s a shortage of bourbon barrels in the Unites States thanks to climate change (winters are longer and harsher, which is affecting the growth of American oak trees), so distilleries don’t have the means the keep up with production, even if they have the spirits ready to go.

What does this mean for consumers? Stock up now to ensure your future l’chaims.

Image: Shutterstock

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Zeke Winitsky, a 13-year-old boy from North Jersey, has penned a heartfelt plea in Esquire for better bar mitzvah suits. He went to the mall with his Mom looking for something sharp for the occasion, but struggled to find anything age and style-appropriate:

On the first day, God created the navy blue blazer with brass buttons and khakis. And I looked and saw that it was not good.

On the second day, He made the ill-fitting all-black suit. And I looked and saw that it was kinda bland.

On the third day he created the boxy grey suit — and things were starting to get bleak.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But wait! The bar mitzvah is about so much more than a suit! Let me pen an outraged comment about the hopelessness of ‘kids today’ right here!” To that I say: hold your fire. This kid is smart. He knows what’s up. He knows that a “navy blue blazer with brass buttons and khakis” sucks. I’m pretty sure he knows his parsha too, but this isn’t about that. This is about looking good, which is no trivial thing when you’re on the cusp of puberty/Jewish manhood—the most awkward phase ever—and about to read Torah and speechify in front of all your friends and family. Zeke, I applaud your sartorial maturity! (My search for a bat mitzvah dress was similarly fraught.)

I had always wanted a Brooks Brothers suit, so we went there first. I tried on the two suits I liked. But what I found is that I looked like a banker… from 1986. I don’t know why bar mitzvah suits must be so tacky — is it one of the 613 commandments in the Old Testament? Here’s the thing: I’m not a banker. I’m cool! I play the guitar! I have friends! Brooks Brothers had betrayed me. My mom and I agreed that this was not the right place for me.

Read the rest here.

Also: My Big Fat Hassidic Bar Mitzvah

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Surprise, surprise. Scarlett Johansson is Esquire’s 2013 Sexiest Woman Alive, not that we needed a magazine to tell us that, just look at the woman. And, it’s not the Don Jon star’s first title either. Johansson was named Sexiest Woman Alive in 2006 as well. She could very well win each and every year and few people would contest the matter. Esquire reports:

This year, Scarlett says, has been the busiest of her life. One movie released, two more coming out in the next five months, and two more in production. She finished a full run of a Broadway revival of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof in March. In the movie she has out right now, Don Jon, she plays the hot, manipulative girlfriend of a porn addict. She makes a hootchie girl elegant, offering ascendant beauty in every scene. Hers is an unstressed beauty, which may be why her look is so mutable, more slender than buxom and fleshy. Her next movie is Under the Skin, a horror film in which she plays a flesh-tearing supernatural wandering across Scotland.

She’s even sexy as a flesh-tearer. We vote Johansson 2014, and so on and so forth.

(Photo by Danny Martindale/Getty)

Previous: ‘Under the Skin’ Stars a Very Spooky Scarlett Johansson

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