Aaron Glaser really wants to be cast in Jurassic Park 4, the upcoming installment of Steven Spielberg’s prehistoric classic. So badly, in fact, that the Long Island-bred comedian, who ran against me for 11th grade student government vice president (we both lost, whatever), would play pretty much any part.

Here’s his audition video, courtesy of Funny or Die. His ideal role? The park hooker: “I hope it gets to Spielberg,” he told me via text message, “because I really, really want to play a prostitute.”

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First he became a man. Now, he’s a high school graduate. That’s right, people: Drake, born October 24, 1986, has fulfilled the requirements needed to graduate high school. We’re verklempt, really.

97% on my final exam. 88% in the course. One of the greatest feelings in my entire life. As of tonight I have graduated high school!

— Drizzy (@Drake) October 18, 2012

It must have been hard for Drizzy to concentrate on that final, what with Shyne—fresh off his rant against Rick Ross’ Black Bar Mitzvah mixtape—getting all up in his business about his lack of street cred. The Orthodox Jewish deported rapper and Mitt Romney supporter told MTV News, “I would really prefer Drake to sing about girls and sing about being a good kid from Canada and whatever that entails.”

Mazel tov, Aubrey. Next stop Degrassi: Drake: the College Years.

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It’s Drake’s re-Bar Mitzvah, and You’re Invited!

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