“Chanukah is not a festival of light,” said Kern alluding to the painfully incorrect interpretations of the holiday made by popular politicians, among others, “It remembers Jewish warriors and their rebellion against the erasure of Jewish life in Judea and Jerusalem.”

This wasn’t Lee’s only banger this Hanukkah season. Look at this:

BAM. Take that, people-who-are-wrong-about-Hanukkah!

Anyway, we wouldn’t usually do this kind of Twitter reporting, but JEWS AREN’T MOTHS!? This simple phrase ravaging the platitudinous and shallow “celebration of light” is absolutely everything.

He’s right. We aren’t moths. Thank you, Lee. You win Hanukkah Twitter.

Bonus: This tweet that made me tear up.

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Be warned, though. This is not your usual holiday playlist. No, no. This playlist is not for the faint of heart, nor for those who lack a knack for adventure. Of course you’ll have some classics. There are quite a few versions of both “Ocho Kandelikas” and “Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah” because I am an Ashkephardi melech. But I have no “Hava Nagila” and no Adam Sandler’s very overrated “Hanukkah Song” for you. Sorry. We’re doing this right.

My dear frumsters, seculars, and all those in-between, you’re here to be challenged, to elevate your taste, to diversify your Hanukkah repertoire, and trust me, you won’t ever look back.

And yes, I’m exaggerating. And correct. They can both be true, okay? Anyways, make sure to follow our Spotify for future music reccs, and to give A Jewcy, Jewcy Hanukkah a like so you can find it again later.

Chag Sameach, rock (of ages) on, and listen below.

The post A Jewcy, Jewcy Hanukkah Playlist appeared first on Jewcy.

Blasphemy, I hear you cry, but hear me out before getting your challah in a twist. 

But first, a Yom Kippur 101! Every year on Yom Kippur, Daddy God inscribes all the Children of Israel’s fates in one of three books: The Book of Life, the Book of Inbetween, and the Book of Death. The goal is to get into the Book of Life, which is achieved by fasting for 25 hours, dressing in pure white, and repenting for all your transgressions. No drinking, eating, or fucking is allowed, and failure to adhere to the rules lands you in the Burn Book. 

No shtupping on Yom Kippur? That doesn’t sound like the HaShem who’s obsessed with copulation (hashtag not MY HaShem). The Torah doesn’t actually require us to abstain from sex, but the custom has been observed since the Rabbis That Be decreed it a big no-no. Notably, God did tell Moses that “work” is forbidden, so blowjobs are most definitely off the table. And a warning to the wise, don’t ask the Rebbe if it’s kosher to eat pussy (because I already did). 

Nu, between grumbling stomachs and Yom Kippur Breath (YKB), what the heck is so horny about the Day of Atonement? The answer lies in a mind-blowing ancient tradition, babes, and it’s the biggest, jewciest, kept secret the rabbis don’t want you to know. 

In the titillating Talmud, first-century Rabbi Simeon Ben Gamliel recounted that back in the day Yom Kippur was one of the happiest days for Jews. Like Tu B’av (Jewish Valentine’s Day), all the single daughters of Israel dressed in virginal white dresses and danced in the vineyard to seduce eligible bachelors for marriage. “Young man, lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself,” they sang. “Don’t set your eyes upon beauty; rather, set your eyes upon family. [For] grace is false and beauty is vain, a woman who fears the Lord she will be praised.” 

Lies, you seethe, but nay! A sizeable chunk of Torah scholars have accepted that Yom Kippur went from a day of matchmaking and makeouts to one of fasting and repentance. Da fuqq?? It sort of makes sense, Rabbi Chaim Joseph David Azulai believed, ‘cause afterall, when a Jewish couple weds they’re forgiven for all their naughty sins, so a courting ritual on the day of forgiveness checks out. But why, oh why, did the great sages deprive us women of the ultimate day of seduction? Rav Dessler understood Lamentation 1:4 “the maidens are unhappy” to mean that the holiest practice (heh) was blacklisted after the fall of the Temple. 

So, when the Sages pulled the five prohibitions of Yom Kippur out of their tuchus’ — no eating and drinking, leave the leather shoes at home, no bathing, no spritzing of perfumes, and absolutely no sex — it was a means of transforming the holiest day of the year filled with sexual climax to one defined as the emotional, super sad and totally not pleasurable, climax of Judaism’s High Holidays. Presumably, these rules were put in place to deter single Jews from courtship, because who in their right mind would swap YKB breath and stick their dry tongue down someone’s throat? As if the hunger pains and body odor weren’t enough to repel horny Jews, the rabbis redundantly ended the prohibition list with  “don’t have sex,” a true nod to Coach Carr. 

Back to the dancing Jewesses. There were three types of brides at the men’s disposal: the beautiful ones, those of prestigious lineage, and the fugly ones. I kid you not, the Talmud literally says “the ugly ones.” The hot ones seduced men by being hot, the daughters of kings and priests flirted with the promise of fertility, and the uggos, unable to elicit an erection from anyone, cried in desperation, “make your acquisition for the sake of Heaven, as long as you decorate us with jewels.” 

When Yom Kippur was downgraded from a joyous day filled with sex and shidduchim to one of sadness and abstinence, the three catefories of brides, who symbolize the Children of Israel, remained in the recitation of Selichot, but with a notable edit. Today, the fugly dancing maidens sing, “You know that our ‘ugliness’ is not our true essence, but imposed upon us by the spiritual poverty of galut,” which basically means the children of Israel became unfuckable when the Second Temple fell and the Jewish exile began.

If our ugliness is tied to living in the Diaspora, then repugnant Yom Kippur Breath is a direct reaction to antisemitism. Only Moshiach can end galut and restore us from ugly ducklings to white swans, and in our wait, the 10th of Tishrei remains a day of sadness and nursing blue balls. Nice Jews finish last, because only the Moshiach gets to come first, and you can blame the Romans for that. 

The post Yom Kippur: From the Horniest Holiday to the Holiest appeared first on Jewcy.

I moved to New York a bit over six years ago. My aunt and uncle live here, but they aren’t Jewish, so I was left without anyone with whom I could spend the High Holy Days. When I was in college, I would go to the Hillel meals, but since that only covered one meal, I started organizing meals at restaurants for my friends and I to try. I have been to a bunch, but I always go back to my old standby Jack’s Wife Freda. But while that might be my favorite, New York City is full of great Jewish restaurants to have your festive meals. For this list, I have avoided the expected choices like Katz’s and 2nd Avenue Deli. This is all about that new Jew Food.

Jack’s Wife Freda–  224 Lafayette Street or 50 Carmine Street

Jack’s Wife Freda is the perfect place to go for a hip (not kosher) Rosh Hashanah meal — or let’s be honest: any meal. They do a festive menu for both the first and second nights of Rosh Hashanah, with apples and honey on the table along with some challah. It’s hyper instagrammable so I highly recommend making a reservation. And if you would like to see me, I will be there on night two.

Mile End Delicatessen- 53 Bond Street

If you are looking for a Montreal-style Deli then you have come to the right place. I usually go there for their poutine, but they are offering a pretty amazing prix fixe for Rosh Hashanah. For seventy-five dollars (thirty-five for kids under 12) you get a lovely seven course meal that includes a shaved apple salad that sounds divine. And what New Year would be complete without brisket! They will be serving this menu for both the first and second nights of Rosh Hashanah.

Russ and Daughters Cafe–  127 Orchard Street

I am obsessed with Russ and Daughters! Their babka french toast is, as my mom would say, the bomb dot squad and I would highly recommend getting it for dessert. If you can’t make it in for a festive meal, they are still taking catering orders, so you can bring some Russ and Daughters home with you! For Rosh Hashanah they will be offering a special of gravlax with apples and honey served on rye bread.  

Shalom Japan- 310 South Fourth Street, Williamsburg

Shalom Japan is the perfect spot for the festive meal if you are feeling something more off the beaten path but still amazing. Their tagline is “Authentically inauthentic Jewish and Japanese food in South Williamsburg from chefs Aaron Israel and Sawako Okochi.” I spoke to co-owner Aaron Israel early this week, and he told me about some very exciting specials. For example: They will be serving bass cheek with mushrooms. To fulfill the apples and honey requirement of the meal, they will be serving roasted honey and garlic duck breast surrounded by apples and Brussels sprouts.

L’Shana Tova! Good luck getting a reservation to get your Rosh Hashanah nosh on.

Image of Jack’s Wife Freda dish via Instagram.

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Saturday night marks Shavuot, the Jewish holiday most associated with eating dairy (so much cheesecake. So many blintzes). But another popular custom on Shavuot is late-night learning; some synagogues, for example, have evening classes, sending folks home as late as midnight.

But some institutions hold literally all night learning sessions, ending in morning prayers, sending out a small, committed group staggering out into the light of day, miserable at the choices they have made (I speak from experience).

So if you want to try to be tough, and know of a good all-night study-stravaganza (I recommend Shavuot Across Brooklyn for New Yorkers), how do you do it in one piece?  Here are, in honor of the holiday based on the number sevem, 7 tips for making it through:

1. Take a nap that day!— Obviously if you just got sleep, you can stay awake in the short term, and this will give you a boost of a few hours.
2. Caffeine, consumed STRATEGICALLY— Don’t front-load that day with energy drinks, coffee, etc. Your body will rebel and be all, like, “Espresso? PSHH. USED TO IT.”Once you’ve started consuming caffeine, space it out a little at a time.  It’s not like you have a secret caffeine sac in your liver to dispense it out when needed.
3. Eat protein— You may think that pasta-like carbs are the answer, but they’re a short burst of energy that will end in a crash (same goes for sugar). Shavuot is a dairy holiday, so reach for a cheese stick, and have a glass of chocolate milk.
4. Drink water— This is a great rule for life, of course, but staying hydrated is the best way to keep your system sharp as the night wears on.
5. Take exercise breaks— Nothing over the top, of course, but between your class on the matriarchs as feminist heroes and the debate about what exactly happened at Mount Sinai, walk around, stretch, maybe do a few jumping jacks.
6. Chew gum— Mint is especially refreshing, and can keep you perkier than you think it will.
7. KNOW WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS.— Nowhere in the Torah does it say, “Thou Shalt Not Sleep all of erev Shavuot.” Why are you staying up all night? Did you make a bet? Are you trying to prove something to others, or yourself? Whatever it is, it ain’t worth your health.

So, go out there and learn your tuches off! Chag Sameach!

Sources: Everyday Health, Lifehacker, Greatist, Common human sense

Image credit: Pixabay

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