Dating within a minority can be difficult—ask any Jew looking for a Jewish partner outside of Israel. So being another minority within such a small group can be really frustrating. It’s unclear how many LGBTQ Jews live in North America, but assuming they’re proportionate for the population, and keeping in mind that the numbers grow smaller as we adjust for preferences—gay women, for example, want to date other women, not gay men—the options can be limited.

Thankfully, a new website is here to fix all that. It’s called “Saw You At Stonewall,” and while its mission is to set up LGBTQ Jews, by doing so it also brings to light specific issues queer Jews face when straddling multiple worlds.

Jewcy is on a summer residency! To read this piece, and our others for July and August 2017, go to our big sister site, Tablet Magazine!

The post New Dating Site Helps LGBTQ Jews Find Love, No Pictures Necessary appeared first on Jewcy.

I’m not impressed, folks. I have been on this app for less than 12 hours and already I have a LOT of advice for you, dudes. And I’m not even talking about the shirtless pics. Because everyone’s probably already told you to stop that. No disrespect meant to your hot Israeli IDF bod — it is quite spiffy, but JSwipe isn’t really Grindr.

Here are some other things you should really not be doing:

1. No bio.

I mean, come on. Even if your pics are hot as hell, if I have no clue who you are, bye. This is basically 80-90% of profiles I’ve seen.

2. A bio that just says “I hate bios” or “there’s too much about me to fit into a bio.”

Oy, aren’t you special. Newsflash: we all hate condensing ourselves into a tiny pinprick but hello, if I can be bothered to put in the effort, so can you. Put on your big boy pants and deal with it. And yeah, I would hope there’s more to you than can fit in a bio, but if you can’t even come up with enough info or personality to fill half a phone screen, things are not looking great for the rest of you.

3. A bio of only emojis.

Wow. Much impress. “That menorah emoji really speaks to my soul,” said no one ever.

4. One word bios.

“Hi.” “Adventure.” “.רְצִינִי” “CPA.” “NJB [Nice Jewish Boy].” “INFP.” If you’re going to use one word, it had better be something that represents you, and if these are the most interesting things you can say about yourself, that does not bode well.

(Fun fact: The Most Interesting Man in the World is Jewish. Up your game.)

5. Bios that say, “I’m new at this!” and nothing else.

Well, guess what, boychik – so am I, and I’m already way better at it than you.

6. Bios that place a weird emphasis on your height.

Like either it’s the only thing in the bio, or one of less than 5 characteristics you’ve listed. I get that we are a people populated by men of small stature, so you feel special if you’re 6 feet tall, but again, if your height is the most interesting thing about you, you need some more hobbies. (I don’t care at all about height so personally any bio with height listed makes me roll my eyes.)

7. Bios that tell me you have a sense of humor but back it up with nothing.

Just because comedy and sarcasm is seemingly hardwired into our ancient culture and our less ancient celebrity icons, does not mean that you are automatically gifted with it. I too can claim to have a sense of humor. I included examples of it in my bio. Did you?

8. Bios that include one sentence about you and then a trite inspirational quote.

Great, I can have a date with my shul’s wall calendar that has as much to say as you do.

9. Bios where your primary interest is traveling.

Look, traveling is great. I’ve done it. I too have pictures of myself surrounded by Jerusalem stone and silhouetted against the Western Wall! Imagine that. But I want to know what makes you interesting aside from the places you can afford to visit. I want to know that if we’re stuck at home, you have enough conversation skills that I won’t be bored to tears. Travel is not a substitute for personality.

10. Bios that start in on what “most girls” like or want and how you’re different and special and shouldn’t be judged by the standards “most girls” use.

Just stop. Your bio is a space to tell me about you, not about all your past failures with women and your subsequent bitterness and Nice Guy Syndrome, you schmuck.

Sarah Meira (SM) Rosenberg is a jill-of-all-trades, including but not limited to: publicist for the bestselling Unofficial Hogwarts Haggadah, co-host of the Nice Jewish Fangirls podcast, freelance editor, former teen novelist, and retired auto mechanic. If you need stuff done, try her.

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My name is “Chriss,” as in, Chris(t). My name has proved to be a blinking neon sign indicating to all in the Jewish world that I am the odd girl out. The first question is “are you Jewish?” and the second is “how?” Funny, that wasn’t my first question to you.

I came to Judaism knowing nothing… except for Anne Frank, I knew who she was. I had also read a few books by Chaim Potok, though I pronounced his first name like “chain” with an “m.”  Yom Kippur-the tiny printed words on every calendar was just an obscure Irish holiday (imagine my surprise…).

I grew up in a homogenous small mountain town in Northern California where everyone was from a Christian background. The primary faiths represented were Mormons, small evangelical groups or Protestants, like my family. I didn’t knowingly meet somebody that was of another faith (like Judaism) until freshman year of college.

I moved to New York City at age 22, and several years later I dated a Member of the Tribe. Friday night dinners with his observant parents, fasting during Yom Kippur and eating cheesecake all night once a year. It seemed awesome but everything was one big Hebraic blur. So, I enrolled in a “Judaism 101” course at a synagogue in Park Slope. They were egalitarian, friendly, engaging, and progressive in their views— everything I was looking for in an “organized religion.”  I asked a lot of questions throughout the course and when it ended after 6 months, I knew that I wanted to start the official conversion process (despite the end of my romantic relationship as well).

The first thing my Rabbi said to me was “just so you are fully aware- a Reform Judaism conversion is a bit controversial among the Jewish community.” I shrugged it off. A Jew is a Jew.

It took 2 years of studying, meeting with my Rabbi and observing various traditions, like keeping Kosher and Shabbat. As my Reform synagogue didn’t have much of a thriving social scene, my best friend showed me the social landscape of the Modern Orthodox in Manhattan. I was excited as well as a bit intimidated. Soon I started to feel that I was ready to be a full-fledged member of the tribe.

In May of 2014 I nervously met with a Beit Din who officially “approved” me and immersed myself in the warm waters of a mikvah on the Upper West Side. Outside the mikveh door stood my Rabbi, brother, and two good friends.  I was a Jew and I shouted this (literally!) through the streets of Manhattan and Brooklyn that day.

Prior to Judaism I connected with potential dating partners solely on good vibes, mutual interests, etc.  Religion played virtually no part in it.  Now that I am not a “shiksa” it is of the utmost importance. I want to have a traditional Jewish family with a smart, funny good-looking man who embraces his faith and culture, finds meaning in tradition, loves Israel and is progressive thinking.  Should be easy in New York. Right? Wrong.

I didn’t understand how my “type” of conversion would come into play in the Jewish dating world. First, as a convert I have to cross off all men with the last name of “Cohen.” I learned this after a man at shul said he’d love to date me but he was part of the Kohanim and as a convert I am forbidden fruit. The Ultra Orthodox, Haredim and most-any sect of Orthodoxy automatically discredit my conversion entirely. The hypothetical children I might produce down the road may be an issue for Reform or Conservative Jews as our offspring’s “Jewishness” maybe called into question. So that leaves me with secular Jews. So much for the dream.

Most men aren’t worried about my level of observance or thoughts on the religious front.  My “worthiness” is contingent on being the “right kind of Jewish.” Their verdict is usually asserted loudly and rudely after a few drinks. Apparently a traveling rogue Beit Din.

On a first date with a cute guy I had met at a costume party called “Challahween,” I learned he had grown up in a very religious family and was impressed that I had converted. His enthusiasm quickly faded when he learned one of the Rabbis I studied under was a woman. Huh? This is 2016.  Aren’t we passed the antiquated notion that only men can be accepted as rabbinical figures?  Not to mention that nowhere in the Torah does it forbid it. We disagreed and still made out. Regrets in feminism.

Recently I introduced myself to the host of a house party (where 99% of attendees were Jewish). He loudly exclaimed that now he knew “who the goy” was. He didn’t know it that the next day marked my 2^nd anniversary of going to the mikvah. I looked at my best friend sitting across from me. She was bracing herself for one of my long, bitter, tearful diatribes. Instead I simply said “I AM A JEW.” He didn’t understand his words pushed an atomic bomb like button inside of me. I spent the next hour singing my feelings out on his karaoke machine.

Last week “Sammy” on Jswipe asked for my phone number. I was delighted but as his profile mentioned having Jewish parents I decided to tell him upfront that my parents were not.  “Who and where did you convert through?” I knew where this conversation was going. I told him that I wasn’t Orthodox but I am Jewish. “I question your intentions when you go through conversion and don’t one hundred percent the life of a Jew with our culture. You are not a Jew.”

My intentions? Did he think I was some breed of religious terrorist? I I keep kosher, lived in Israel, observe Shabbat and chagim. He then called me a Christian… as a slur, and blocked me.

As my name often serves as a conversation “ice breaker”: I have thought by going solely by my Hebrew name (Miriam), but for 30-something years I’ve been Chriss. I don’t want to negate my family or the journey that brought me here for your convenience. There are Jews named Chriss. Here I am.

This past Shavout I heard a fellow convert say something very simple but powerful – we forget that despite our different backgrounds we once stood at Sinai together as one community. Maybe that was only a desert mirage.

Chriss Williams is currently finishing her degree in Religion at Hunter College. She created the blog “Shiksaism.com” which chronicles her adventures as a “Jew by Choice.” Chriss lives in Brooklyn and loves red wine, hookah, and dancing. Please swipe right. 

Images courtesy of Chriss Williams

The post Chriss the Jew; Dating as a Reform Convert appeared first on Jewcy.

Swipe me a match! Find me a find. Catch me a catch! All Jewish singles will be happy to know (if you’re not into goys) that the Jewish man of your dream awaits, right behind the facade of his iPhone.

JSwipe is basically Tinder, except that it matches you with other single Jews depending on your Jewish affiliation. The most annoying part of Tinder, from personal experience, is that you cannot discriminate on age, ethnicity, or height. Now at least, you can swipe a Jew for a Jew.

Another app that may land you your beshert? JCrush. These “swipe” apps are so tailored for our generation, you don’t even have to be motivated enough to make a profile. They simply take your “curated” Facebook information and translate it on the app. JDate is so yesterday–or maybe just for the older generation who were already in their late teens by the time the internet was booming; those who enjoy reading and writing in length.

Get swiping!

(Image: Shutterstock)

The post Jews Seeking Jews Apps appeared first on Jewcy.

Meet Yenta. It’s a new Jewish dating service (could you guess?) that brings a little something different to the online dating scene. The New York Post reports:

Somewhat similar to the gay application Grindr, the free mobile dating service uses GPS technology to allow users to peruse the profiles of nearby Jews.

The profile asks questions like “How Jewish are you?” “What’s your shtick?” and “What will impress your mother?”

According to the Post, the site has 10,000 users so far. Will you be joining? They’re offing a free ‘gold membership’ while they test the site. I’m not so sure I trust a dating site that sells ‘Shtup the Chef’ aprons, but that’s just me.

(image via Shutterstock)

The post There’s a GPS-Enabled Jewish Dating Website and it’s Called Yenta appeared first on Jewcy.

I get a weekly email, Skinny & The City, that sort of tells me low-cal recipes and crap that sometimes I read or delete faster than you can say “I’ll have the fries.”

The newsletter often follows the trials and tribulations of one dieter. A recent email talked about eating on a first date: Can you diet? What should you order? Should you care what he thinks of you in regards to food?

These are all tricky and nuanced issues, far more for women than men. But eating on a first date is tough and often awkward.

You don’t want to be “that girl” who orders a salad, because we wouldn’t want the prospective man to think that we’re boring dieters. Which is interesting, because men also want to be physically attracted to the girl they’re going out with, which can often be thought to require (not require per se, but be aided by) dieting. This is not to say that all men want thin women, but a lot of them do.

This complex relationship between dieting and dating is coupled with our thin ideal that especially is present in Hollywood: you should be pin-thin but you should never admit how you did it. Instead, celebrities will often say they just “lost their baby fat” (which KILLS me, like o rly? You have baby fat at 25?) or eat “fish and veggies!” aka Adderall and Diet Coke.

Let’s be real.

Sometimes this ideal can cloud our judgment and cause us to make unhealthy decisions for the pursuit of a “perfect body.” But let’s get back to dating.

If you are trying to eat more healthfully (of which the term is fluid, to lose weight, to gain weight, to reduce blood pressure, etc) what if you feel pressure to order something unhealthy to send a message to your date? This is a strange kind of pressure that I’m not even sure exists in the eyes of men, but it definitely does for girls. This is all complex enough, added in with guys’ frequent desire for girls who “eat,” (which I find interestingly prevalent in JDate profiles, probably influenced by this thin ideal that strong affects Jewish women. Let’s be honest, 3/4 of “Sushi With My Girls,” although very hilarz and poignant, was poking fun at the ED subculture among JAPs and their friends.)

I am making rampant generalizations, I realize. There is some middle ground with regards to what you order, but women receive a lot of mixed messaging about food in general. Which is an extensive topic for another time.

A friend told me a story of a first date with her now boyfriend, where she ate a burger before the date and then had a salad with the dude. He noticed the ketchup on her dress and she was mortified. Why did she feel this pressure to eat what she wanted before she saw the guy? Is this the reverse situation, where she wants to seem “healthy”? Two years later they’re together, ketchup and all. So I’m not really sure what point of mine that proves. Basically, order whatever the fuck you want.

Obviously the food shouldn’t be the focal point of a first date anyway, but it probably doesn’t go without thought from one party.

I think that you should do what you want when it comes to food on a first date. If you want the salad, get the salad. If you want the steak, get the steak.

If a guy can’t deal with your food choices, he certainly doesn’t deserve you.

What do you think?

______

Email me at meredith@theffjd.com

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The post FFJD: I’ll Have The Burger With Some Salad appeared first on Jewcy.

No, I’m not talking about that DADT. I’m talking about open relationships. You may think you’re game for a dowhateveryouwantbutalsohayletshangout sort of agreement, but are they really possible?

Open relationships are just that – open. The definition itself is fluid and varies from couple to couple (and even person to person). But in an attempt to reduce the mess and the noise and the fights of a “real” relationship, it can just get heinous.

Some people swear by open relationships – it’s less pressure, more relaxed, no commitment. But isn’t that what a relationship is about? Commitment? Isn’t that the point?

I’ve been in one, long distance, bi-coastal, and very expensive-plane-fares-away open relationship. It was tough shit because of the ten states that spanned between us, let alone the fact that we weren’t exclusive. My ex and I operated on a policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” AKA if you’re going to touch someone else in a frat basement and maybe drink too much jungle juice and end up tangled in his or her Ralph Lauren twinset that everyone has, just don’t tell the other person.

That worked for a bit. But even this agreement is messy – you feel guilty, insecure, and unsure of where you stand. At least I did, constantly. The level of commitment I was looking for absolutely could not be achieved from two time zones and a lack of exclusivity away. So I ended it.

Some couples in open relationships operate on the premise that they tell each other things, like hooking up with other people or rubbing up against three guys in Cabo four margaritas deep. Which seems entirely masochistic and straight up Closer of them, like that harrowing scene with Clive Owen and Julia Roberts screaming at each other. Which is one of the most painful scenes between two actors, I think. I don’t know if I like that policy. Then you just start lobbing hookups and makeouts and sexts at each other with reckless abandon and try to one-up the other until you’re both messes.

But that’s not to say open relayshes don’t work at all. Clearly some people even have open marriages, although somewhat lawbending, Mrs. Robinson can sleep with the pool boy repeatedly because hey, she’s sick of carpooling with the Atkinsons and her husband Bernie just isn’t doing it for her anymore.

What do you think?

_________

Email FFJD at fiftyfirstjdates@gmail.com.

Follow FFJD on Twitter and Be a Fan on Facebook!

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I guess there comes a point in every single person’s life when they ask themselves, “has it really come to this?” When that finally happens, I guess TheJMom.com is where they will end up going.

At least the press release for their recent launch reads like a preview for a bad romantic comedy starring Jonah Hill, Natalie Portman and Jane Fonda as the meddling Jewish mother.

“While dating sites have been around and grown increasingly popular throughout the past decade, there has never been a Jewish site that gave exclusive access to parents and made dating an official family affair. Until now.

Www.TheJMom.com breaks the mold of standard Internet matchmaking.

Geared specifically toward Jewish parents and their single sons and daughters, the site offers a unique, but old-fashioned, concept: let mom decide. “ More parents are recognizing that making connections online can lead to love off- line,” said Danielle Weisberg, co-founder of TheJMom.com. “ TheJMom.com puts parents behind the keyboard and lets them do the clicking and the matching.”

For some reason, I highly doubt they actually got a crack team of Jewish mothers to sit behind MacBooks and match Josh Finkebaumstein with Becky Rosensilverman.  But then again, I wouldn’t totally doubt it either….

The post Freud Gets A Boner: A Dating Website Where Jewish Moms Decide appeared first on Jewcy.

I know, this article is going to be a bit biased because hey, I’m that girl who went on a thousand dates (and counting!) and tried all of JDate for everyone to see. However, throughout my saga, “Experiments in Shorter Men and The Cattiness That Jewish Girls Can Achieve At Staggering Levels Over Them,” I’ve learned a bit.

Over the weekend I was at a Rocky Horror brunch (I’d never seen it, and I felt like I was a lesser cultural person because of it), and I ended up talking to a friend about why I’m so into the idea of everyone trying online dating – whether it be Match, eHarmony, JDate, or I Can Has Cheezburger (it’s only a matter of time before people start dating each other based on cat preferences.)

1. It can’t hurt.

Like, srsly, it can’t. The only thing you might have to lose is your clothing. Joking. But really, there is only something good that can come out of this experience. Several dates with guys who are too nice might suck, but at least you get some fun stories (that you can email to fiftyfirstjdates@gmail.com!)

2. Nobody will know.

Shhhhh. You don’t have to tell everyone on planet earth who will listen (a la yours truly) or even your best friend/Mom (even though if you’re joining JDate your mother will probably rejoice and then remind you that there is a nice boy down the block from your grandparents in West Palm Beach who may or may not have a slight split personality disorder, but you know he comes from a good family.)

3. You need to learn how to date.

I can count on one hand (maybe one Amish inbred hand) how many dates I went on in college. The point is, nobody dates anymore. Everyone just hooks up or makes out or hooks in or hooks out or whatever.

It’s nice to learn what real dating is about – having a conversation with someone else in a non-frathouse environment. (“What, like I actually have to TALK with him? I can’t just chug three cups of jungle juice, tell him I loved him in the Aepi date auction and run off into the night?” Um, no.)

If casual encounters is your thing, then fine, this might be another venue for that (the propositions I get on match.com are both terrifying and hilarious).

But if you really want to try having an adult relationship, maybe one where you wear his sweatshirt while you unpack boxes of picture frames together when moving into an apartment you share this might not be a bad way to go about it. (Why is this in EVERY movie? Some hot girl and her boyfriend and she’s laughing and they’re painting the apartment and she’s wearing some sweatshirt that doesn’t cover her butt and I’m like that CANNOT be sanitary and HONEY get those chemicals away from your Pikachu).

4. Everyone deserves to have options.

I know, it can be a little materialistic or almost shopportunistic (to lift terms from ladymags that also make up weird names to make you feel bad about your arm fat) to liken these dating sites to “shopping” for a mate. But, everyone ought to comparison shop and learn what’s out there. You have to kiss a lot of jappy frogs before one gets down on one knee at The Collective and offers you an amazing wedding at Cipriani (if that’s what you’re into.) Plus, it’s not like you’d buy the first Miu Miu bag on ebay without making sure there are verification tags.

5. Meeting people is a good thing.

Some of the guys I went out with have actually made great friends, introduced me to new “scenes” I wouldn’t have exposure to otherwise, and introduced me to cool new people.

Who knows, you might meet Prince Charming with an old frog.

__________

Email your FFJD story to fiftyfirstjdates@gmail.com, follow FFJD on Twitter and be a fan on Facebook!

The post FFJD: Five Reasons Internet Dating Isn’t So Bad appeared first on Jewcy.