I need some love life advice. I’m currently in an open, long-distance relationship with someone I’ve known for 10 years. Last summer, before we got together, he stopped talking to me because he met another girl (also long distance) and wanted to pursue things exclusively with her.

Since then, they’ve opened up their relationship and he and I have gotten together. After knowing him for a decade, I feel that he’s invested in me and loved me for who I am. Still, I can’t help but feel slightly threatened by the other girl, seeing as he previously chose her over me. In less than two weeks, he’s coming to visit me. And then a few weeks later, she’s coming to visit him – all the way from the UK.

I’m really excited to see him, but feel anxious knowing he’s seeing her so soon after. How do I feel more confident in myself and secure in our relationship?

Love,

Mo’ Partners Mo’ Problems

Hey Bubbela, 

In Toni Romiti’s song Options, she pleads with her lover that if he has to choose “between me and her, then don’t choose me.” He’s got options, this she knows, but baby, she coos, she’s got options too. What I’m trying to say is that you’re Toni Romiti. 

I imagine that someone who’s not familiar with polyamory might be inclined to suggest that you seek monogamous relationships. One of the biggest misconceptions about polyamory is that jealousy becomes obsolete, which is total pish-posh because humans are humans are humans! Albeit an uncomfortable one, jealousy is a natural emotion that is best served with a side of analysis. So find a comfortable Freudian couch to lay down and imagine me telling you what you don’t want to hear while I draw dicks on my notepad. 

I’d like to know whether your partner decided to open the relationship, if it was a mutual decision, or if his girlfriend suggested it. If it wasn’t his idea, I think he might be taking advantage of you in order to protect his own heart. To feel secure in your relationship, it’s important that you find out. Frankly, I have a hunch that you want him to be your primary partner, but he seemingly already has one. The insecurity and jealousy you feel is rooted in the sad truth that you prioritize each other on different levels. In order for polyamrous relationships to be successful, it’s crucial to communicate the uncomfortable feelings and doubts you’re experiencing. The bottom line is, the surest way to feel confident in your relationship is to tell your long time lover exactly what you wrote to me. Whether the conversation ends in your favor or in heartbreak, you will undoubtedly leave the conversation with a clearer picture of where you stand. 

Behatzlacha, bubbela!

Love, 

Arielle

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The ending to this week’s episode of Big Love was one of those moments that will go on to define the show.  It’s hard sometimes to pick out these points in the span of a multiple-season TV series.  Often, they come early on: the first episode of Six Feet Under absolutely defined the series, and one could simply watch the first and last episode of the show and have a good sense of what it was about, which perhaps is ideal.  In Big Love’s case, we’re dealing with a creative team that has a real sense of the importance of singular moments.  At the end of last night’s episode, Nikki showed up at Barb’s dance class to apologize for something she said (a jab at Barb’s parenting skills in relation to her daughter Sarah’s abortion.)  To Nikki, the class is a symptom of Barb’s recent rebellious behavior.  However, it turns out that the class is no “How to Make it Clap” type thing, it’s a straightforward Arthur Murray type dance class.  Amidst the apology, Nikki makes an inquiry.

“What do you do here?” Nikki asks.

“Just the standard dances, you know,” Barb says.

“Actually I don’t, I’ve never danced before.”

“It’s easy,” Barb says, “just put one hand here, and one hand here,” and goes on to lead Nikki in a dance to the song, “You’ll Never Know” by Dianna Krall.  This was a moment beautifully representative of this episode in particular, which visited issues of equal rights in marriage and the world at large, but it also represented the essence of Big Love as a whole.  So many people shy away from Big Love, thinking it’s going to be some kind of chauvinist sex fest, but so much of what we see in this show is about the bond between woman in this male dominated fringe existence, one that’s almost like it’s own self contained political system with a hierarchy that’s always in flux.  A man leading in a dance is a most basic symbol of societal male dominance, and here we see Nikki, a woman subjugated by men and dogma her whole life, now a woman in her 30’s who’s never danced, and she’s being led by another woman.  This episode in particular dealt further with equal rights issues by way of another stunning performance from Ellen Burstyn, who acts as an absolute gift to this show.  We’ve known Burstyn as Barb’s mother, Nancy Dutton, since the third season, a sort of pillar of the LDS community, right wing to her core, yet strong and independently minded.  She’s a Mormon Barbara Bush.  Now we learn that she was a supporter of the Equal Rights Act, and ended up wrapped up in a small scandal when she tried to arrange to have Betty Ford speak at her local activists group.  It turns out that she arranged for Ford to come speak, but was then reprimanded for it and told to cancel the whole thing.  Too ashamed to deal with the situation, she ended up leaving Ford stranded at the airport.  The theme of how someone who is seen as less-than in a religion in which they believe so strongly, deals with their own strong mindedness, how one squashes their own will in the name of faith, seems to apply to factions of Judaism as much as it does LDS.

The rest of this week’s episode faltered here and there, but was all around, a very strong episode.  In a final season, we hope to feel like we’re moving forward every moment, constantly pushing to wrap up loose ends.

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