My friend Meredith and I were standing in line at Starbucks when she mentioned she would like to get lunch at Chick-fil-A to which I obviously responded “I can’t eat there because it’s not Kosher.” Marriage material, I know. It was then that the guy in front of me turned around and butt in with a “Wow. You keep Kosher STILL.” Um … STILL? I’m sorry, were you at my fifth birthday party at the ceramics center? Do I know you? He then barked out another weirdly worded question. “Have you lived in Israel YET?” This guy had bizarre grammar choices. Meredith was taken a back by this freak, but not me. As someone who exudes more Jewishness than Barbara Streisand in Yentl, I’m used to people trying to “bagel” with me. Yup, I said “Bagel,” you know, when someone tries to bond with you by awkwardly and sometimes not so subtly by letting you in on the fact that they’re Jewish.

I can’t take credit for the term, but it is brilliant. Lord knows we had a bageler on our hands, but this bageler was an amateur. Upon noticing a fellow Jew in line at the supermarket, a tasteful, professional bageler would break out the good ol’ “Oh, I forgot the challah!” It works like a charm. Less is more. I felt bad for this guy so I helped him out, “Judging from your hair, I see you too are part of the tribe.” Of course he had a massive Jew fro. “Yes,” he responded in a highly socially awkward way. Good talk. Glad we did this.

We finally got up to the register and the barista asked the bageler what his name was so they could write it on his cup. “Neil,” he said, and then turns around and looks me dead in the eye and says “I mean Nachhhhhmann.” Oh, boy. Sweet Sweet Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

Why do we feel the need to bagel? Is it because being Jewish is special and we all want to reach out to our fellow Jewish brothers and sisters to establish a sense of community no matter where we are … OR … is it because we need to scout out who is Jewish at all times just in case there’s a pogrom or something? Or is that just me? Either way, why do I have to be bageled all the time, sometimes I want to bagel too! And so I will admit I have been guilty of bageling others, and not just regular bageling, but competitive bageling. The absolute worst kind.

I was doing some work in Starbucks when a young man wearing a yarmulke sat down across from me at the table and started studying Talmud. I must mention that 99 percent of all bageling happens at Starbucks. That is a REAL statistic. The young man was deep into his Talmud studies and this was my time to shine. I wanted to be slick but still let Talmud Kid know he was in the presence of a big Jew. I let out a few subtle “oy veys” and kept it classy. All of a sudden this other kid across the table, let’s call him “Moses” just for the hell of it, popped up out of nowhere with a “What mesechta (volume) are you learning?” Oh screw you, Moses. What do you know? I knew it was Talmud too! Moses and Talmud Kid carried on with a very Jewish related conversation until I self consciously butt in with “Yeah I learned Talmud too because I went to a Jewish day school.” Silence. I was desperate and had hit an all time low. I was being competitive with Moses because I wanted Talmud Kid’s approval of my Jewishness and I wanted it NOW. To my disappointment, he was completely unimpressed by all the bageling.

A few minutes later, I had to go outside to make a phone call so I asked Talmud Kid and Moses to watch my laptop. “I trust you,” I said while I dazzled them with my bageling eyes. They got the picture. Clear as day. We were all Jews and could therefore leave our laptops with one another worry-free. Bageling at it’s finest.

(Art by Margarita Korol)

The post Tales of a Competitive Bageler appeared first on Jewcy.

However, lest you think overcaffeinated Starbucks-goers are the only chroniclers of Kashrut, the Chicago Rabbinical Council has what seems to be the definitive Kosher Slurpee List (at least through December 31):

THE FOLLOWING SLURPEE FLAVORS ARE NOT CERTIFIED KOSHER!
HORCHATA OLE
ORANGE BANG SMOOTHIE
STRAWBERRY TWIZZLER
MONSTER BLACK
TROPICANA GRAPE WILD STRAWBERRY

We here at Jewcy are enjoying our kosher-approved Coca-Cola Slurpees, thank you very much:

(Images via Shutterstock, Margarita Korol)

The post Happy Slurpee Day! Celebrate With this Kosher Slurpee List appeared first on Jewcy.

In the New York Times this weekend, Mark Oppenheimer profiled Ort, the 26-year-old behind the website KosherStarbucks.com, which is exactly what it sounds like: a Starbucks trayf-o-meter.

Ort used to be a Dunkin Donuts guy, until a trip to Israel introduced him to the world of strong coffee (sounds like we stayed in the same Bedouin tent). America may run on Dunkin, but Israel evidently does not. Soon addicted to the Seattle-based coffee overlord’s offerings, Ort started the site in 2007 with his brother to keep track of what kosher-keeping Jews could and could not imbibe.

It’s more complicated than you may think. Oppenheimer explains:

Coffee beans and hot water are kosher: they do not run afoul of the biblical prohibitions against foods like pork and shellfish. But Starbucks does offer such items, for instance, breakfast sandwiches with ham. And the carafes, knives and other implements can commingle in Starbucks sinks and washing machines, which means particles from, say, a nonkosher smoothie mix can contaminate a spoon used to skim the foam off a latte.

The site uses the basic, if not very Jewish, green and red color-coded system as a guideline for consumers. Sadly, every single Frappucino is marked red (If only this was around in time to save Zoolander’s male models). The surprise kosher item on the Starbucks menu? The festive Eggnog Latte (though Ort recommends you check the eggnog certification). Here’s a sampling of Ort’s findings:

Guzzle away: Iced Coffee, Cappuccino, Caffe Misto, Cold Apple Juice (children’s menu), Espresso, all Tazo tea varieties, Orange Mango Vivanno Smoothie (protein power NOT recommended), Hot Chocolate, Gingerbread Latte (so you can fit in around Christmas).

Trayf alert: Frappucinos (that includes fan favorites Caramel, Java Chip, Peppermint Mocha, and even Pumpkin Spice), Strawberry Vivanno Smoothie, White Hot Chocolate, Caramel Macchiato, Pumpkin Spice Latte, Skinny Caramel Macchiato.

So go forth, kosher-keeping brethren, and patronize your local Starbucks chain. Just stay away from the Frappucinos (you’ll thank us later).

(Art by Margarita Korol)

The post Caffeinating While Kosher: Introducing the Starbucks Trayf-o-Meter appeared first on Jewcy.