Fans of The Bachelorette and hunky Jews may remember Grant Hubsher from last season, the (now) 30 year old ER doctor— Florida bred, New York-based. Day School. Hillel. The whole package. Since he didn’t win on the TV show last year, he’s still single, and now he’s using his eligibility for a good cause.

One woman (sorry, guys) is going to win a date with Hubsher, in a contest designed to draw attention to a Jewish health organization.

“Nice Jewish doctor?,” says Hubsher, in the video announcing the contest, “Mom’s gonna love this!”

The non-profit he’s promoting is JScreen— an initiative based out of Emory University that provides genetic testing services, particularly for Jewish couples looking to one day conceive. (As a doctor, Hubsher says he’s all too familiar with the damage genetic diseases can cause.)

JScreen’s test can be completed at home (no needles needed!), and a professional will inform couples in a follow-up video chat if they are carriers for any detrimental genetic diseases, and the odds of their future children having said conditions. Once couples know the potential risks of reproducing, they can be better equipped to family-plan.

(Isn’t that the most Jewish alternative to the Bachelor franchise? Win a date with a handsome guy, make sure neither of you carry Tay-Sachs?)

Entering the contest is simple— all you need to do is provide basic information, and answer the question “Why should you be selected to date Grant?” (And please, tweet @jewcymag and let us know what you said; we really, really want to know.) You have until June 1st to enter. (Once again, you can enter here.)

It’s going to be a really nice date—dinner the kosher Wolf & Lamb Steakhouse in Manhattan. Hubsher is only committing to one date for now, but if things go well, he’s open to more.

“Who knows,” said Hubsher in a statement, “Maybe this contest will help me finally find the woman to share my life with.”

Now that’s a meet-cute.

Photo by Cher Gopman

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Full disclosure: I have never watched an episode of the The Bachelorette, nor an episode of its sibling series, The Bachelor. What I do know is that there are roses involved and that the array of contestants tend to be rather gentile and white (with a few notable exceptions).

And through the foolproof methodology of Jewish geography, it has come to my attention that several of this season’s Bachelorette stars are Jewish, which piques my interest about a reality TV phenomenon I would normally dismiss for being too contrived.

On Monday night, viewers met Grant Hubsher and Jack Stone, two of the 31 suitors vying for the affection of Rachel Lindsay, a 32-year-old Dallas-based attorney and the first black Bachelorette in the show’s history (she previously competed on The Bachelor).

Although *spoiler alert* he went home in Week One, Hubsher, 29, looked like a great potential beau on paper. An emergency-medicine physician from New York City (by way of the Tampa Bay area), he revealed in his official bio that he used to perform “Ice Ice Baby” at his friends’ Bar Mitzvahs. Perhaps appearing on reality shows runs in his blood: His younger sister, Cher (yes, really), was on the MTV series My Super Sweet 16 and Exiled. According to an interview with Glamour, she was also the one who sent in his Bachelorette submission.

Like Lindsay, Stone, 32, is an attorney from Dallas. His bio isn’t particularly Jewy, but he does express in interest in WWII history. Plus, he scores major points for listing his mom, who battled cancer, as his biggest role model. With everything they have in common, it seems like he and Lindsay could hit it off.

Through the magic of social media and Jewish geography, we here at Jewcy have also learned that Stone once went on a trip to Germany through AJC, and that Hubsher went to Jewish Day School, went on USY on Wheels when he was in High School, and was active in Hillel when he was a student at the University of Florida.

Remember, ladies, Hubsher got sent home already, so he’s available!

Photos (Stone on the Left, Hubsher on the right) via Facebook

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The Bachelorette‘s Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray are officially disengaged, according to everyone—but most especially Josh’s mom, who wrote about the split in such detail on her Facebook page, you’d think she was in the relationship. (And maybe she was.) (Awkward.)

“Yes it’s true, Andi & Josh have chosen to break off their engagement,” Lauren Goodhart Murray posted on January 9. “Although there was no one thing that precipitated their decision, they were thoughtful & wise in their decision… I know we all wanted the storybook ending but I trust The Lord has an even better journey for each of them and that makes my heart happy.”

On January 8, Josh Murray posted—then deleted—an image to his Instagram account with a similarly religious caption. Us Weekly reports that the “snap was a silhouette of a man kneeling with one arm raised to the sky with the caption: ‘Lord, help me to have faith in your plan.'”

That same day, the couple issued a fairly pareve, ‘consciously uncoupling’-type statement to E! News: “After several months of being engaged and working on our relationship, we have decided that it’s best for both of us to go our separate ways,” they wrote. “We are very sad that it has come to this point, but this is what’s best for both of us individually. We will continue to be good friends and have nothing but great things to say about each other and wish each other the best.”

Dorfman, the star of season 10 of The Bachelorette, is yet to comment on social media about the split. (As of this morning, her Instagram bio still reads “The Future Mrs. Murray.”)

Here at Jewcy HQ, we can’t help but wonder how much the couple’s religious differences might have contributed to the split—she’s Jewish (and seemingly pretty secular), he’s a devout Christian (with Jewish heritage). Close readers of Tova Ross’ season 10 recaps will recall that the show’s producers conveniently elided these facts in their race to the ratings altar. We never saw Andi or Josh (or any of the suitors) discuss hot-button topics like politics or religion—you know, the sort of stuff couples should talk about before getting engaged. Did these conversations take place? Perhaps, but we’ll probably never find out, which is kind of a shame. Regardless of the reason for the split (hey, maybe Andi just didn’t want to marry into a family of Chiefs fans), it’s weird—even remiss—that The Bachelor franchise has an embargo on conversations about interfaith dating.

(Image: Instagram)

Related: The Bachelorette Finale: Wait, Josh is Jewish?!

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You know it’s Monday night when The Bachelorette is trending along with Gaza on Twitter. Keep being you, world.

Chris Harrison introduces the final episode of an overall tepid tenth season in front of a live studio audience. Wait, did he just say it’s a three-hour show? Good lord. I get some dark chocolate peanut butter cups and settle in for a long night.

“This is the first week [where] I don’t know what could happen,” chirps Andi. Oh, well, it’s not a major week or anything, so that’s good. I’m glad uncertainty has only reared its head during the most important episode of the season, and possibly the most important moment of her life.

It’s time to meet the Fockers—dad Hy, mom Patti, and sister Rachel and her husband—only Andi’s family isn’t so Focker-ish. Their Jewish heritage has barely gotten a peep all season (more on this later). Nick’s up first, and he exchanges the most awkward hug of the season with Patti. Everyone remarks on Nick’s obvious nerves. “He seems a little reserved,” says Patti to the camera, moonlighting as Captain Obvious for the episode. He stumbles over recounting his feelings of true love, but goshdarnit, he does seem genuine and Patti agrees. “For someone to say that about my daughter is very special,” she says, tearing up. Get your tissues, Patti, because someone else is about to say the same exact thing to you tomorrow.

But first, it’s time for a sisterly heart-to-heart. “He makes me feel like a woman,” Andi tells Rachel, and I half-expect Aretha Franklin to break out in song here, but no dice. Nick and Hy speak next. “My whole job is Rachel, Andi, and Patty,” says Hy firmly. “I got one daughter taken care of. My job now is Andi.” If this is supposed to sound sweetly paternal, it doesn’t. It makes Andi sound like a helpless floundering female waiting for her father to secure her a husband—not a self-sufficient woman with a kick-ass career. “It would mean a lot to me to have your approval,” Nick tells Hy nervously. Hy falls silent for a moment. “I feel exactly about Andi the way you do,” he begins (I hope not exactly the same way, considering last week’s fantasy suite shenanigans), and then reluctantly gives Nick his seal of approval should Andi choose him.

I must interject here to make mention of the worst installment of the weekly Suave shampoo commercials featuring the Bachelorettes of Christmases past. This week’s ad features Andi talking stiltedly with Catherine and Desiree, who literally squeal when they wave around their ring fingers, appropriately adorned with baubles, so that Andi can see what her future might hold. Betty Friedan, I’m glad you’re not around for this.

Next up is Josh, and Andi’s family just loves him. Josh, who has thus far shown himself to be loud, dim and hot, is appropriately charming as only former athletes can be, and he lays it on thick for his one-on-one with Hy. “She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” enthuses Josh. (Really? She’s cute, but in the way that my cashier at Pathmark is cute.) Hy tells him that marriage is sometimes hard work, and wonders if Josh is prepared for that. “It already hasn’t been all roses,” Josh assures him quickly. From a sharper man, this would be a quippy one-liner referring to the show’s recurring motif, but I’m afraid any wit is wholly incidental here.

On their final date, Andi and Josh muse aloud about their confidence in each other. “I have no questions,” Josh coos. “What, you have no thoughts?” exclaims Andi. Yes, that’s it, Andi: no thoughts whatsoever! Absolutely inane conversation ensues for five minutes and is concluded when Josh reads her a letter and hands her a baseball card with her ‘stats’ on the back. “Drafted: first pick,” Andi reads, giggling. It sounds cheesy but it’s actually kind of cute.

The final date with Nick involves fewer giggles, and finally, at long last, there’s a mention of religion: “We’ll figure out whatever it is, where to live, religion…” he says obliquely. It’s the first time in the season, to my working knowledge, that Andi’s Jewishness is even referenced.

It seems bizarre that The Bachelorette never shows potential couples discussing the sorts of things marriage-minded people speak about, like religion or politics. Obviously, there’s a good chance such discussions would alienate large swaths of viewers, so the choice not to air these moments—if they happen at all—is undoubtedly calculated by ratings-minded producers. But for a show that purports to be all about helping the lovelorn find their true match, these are glaring omissions of substance, and it’s disingenuous to exclude mention of major issues that actually impact the longevity and ultimate success of any resulting relationships. However secular and non-practicing a Jew Andi might be, one would think it would behoove a woman on the cusp of marriage to someone who is not Jewish (Nick) or someone who is Jewish but was raised Catholic (Josh), to at least initiate conversation on where she stands in terms of her Judaism. No?

Nick gives Andi a necklace with a vial of sand from the beach where they had their first date, which is simultaneously creepy and thoughtful. And like sand through the hourglass, so is this day of my life: When is this freaking show going to end? Good god, there’s 45 minutes of self-doubt to go before we even get to After The Final Rose. I get more chocolate.

Back from commercial break. “It’s coming down to the final moments,” says Chris. Promise? Andi awakes on the day of reckoning. Josh meets with Jeweler-to-the-Stars-and-Trashy-Reality-Show-Contestants Neil Lane to pick out a ring. When Nick gets a knock on the door and we assume it’s his turn to meet with Neil, it’s not Neil at all but… Andi!? This can’t be good. And it isn’t: Andi proceeds to tell Nick that something didn’t feel right when she woke up that morning—and it wasn’t last night’s sushi. Nick looks stunned, and they bid each other farewell. It begins to rain as Nick looks pensively out on the patio, unless that’s actually a producer pouring down buckets of water from the roof. Either way, we get the point: Nick is a sad panda right now.

Back at the live studio audience, Chris elaborates on Nick’s shame by telling the world that he’s tried repeatedly to sit down with Andi “to chat” since filming ended, but she’s always refused—until now, because she is contractually mandated to. “But first, let’s see how the show ends,” he says, but duh, we already know how this ends. Josh approaches Andi and offers a fast-paced hodgepodge of tidbits pulled from romantic movies into one mawkish speech. Andi tells him she loves him, he proposes, and she happily accepts. And they’ll for sure live happily ever after, or at least until after she finishes filming a season of Dancing With the Stars. The end.

Note: There was an After the Final Rose special, but nothing of note happens except for the continued exploitation of a wounded man (Nick), who also tells Andi that it was wrong of her to make love with him if she wasn’t in love with him. Despite the fact that we all know they’re not crocheting in the fantasy suite, such a direct admission of its inner workings is actually (and literally!) “hitting below the belt,” as Andi tells Nick, looking positively green. The audience lets out a collective gasp and Twitter explodes. Okay, now it’s the end.

Catch up on all the previous Bachelorette re-caps here.

Image: ABC/The Bachelorette

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Ahhh, the fantasy suite episode: where The Bachelorette finally stops pretending it’s a classy enterprise and pimps out its star for numerous sexual encounters that are all but broadcast on television.

Against the gorgeous backdrop of a resort in the Dominican Republic, Andi reminisces about her romances with the three remaining guys, for all of us at home: Josh, the too-good-to-be-true athlete/family man; Chris, the sweet, strapping farmer/entrepreneur; and Nick, the skeptic with whom Andi has a deep mental connection. And now, it’s time for one-on-one dates with each guy, because nothing helps you figure out just who you want to marry than a careful process of elimination.

Nick is up first. He and Andi take a helicopter ride to a private island, and while they sure look pretty, the conversation is stultifying, with a lot of nervous “uhhs” from Nick. Dinner isn’t much better. But then Nick shows Andi the fairy tale book he made for her of their love story. “It was childish, in a cute way,” Andi tells the camera later, and she loves it so much she grants Nick the key to the kingdom, so to speak. “I can’t wait to talk with you all night,” Nick tells her. Yeah, sure. He then tells Andi he loves her and they start groping each other frantically. Save it for the suite, guys.

Next up is Josh, wearing a shirt that’s basically a picnic tablecloth, but still managing to look ridiculously hot. Josh auditions for “Best Future Father Who Speaks Passable Spanish Award” by playing ball with some local children. He also tells Andi that he loves her, which he admits to having said before, without actually meaning it. So wait: he’s said it and not meant it to other women, then? What a turd. But what does Andi care for other women’s broken hearts? Josh gets a key to the Fantasy Suite as well.

Andi’s third and final date of the show—horseback-riding—is with Chris. “Is it your first time riding a horse?” asks Chris. “Yeah, I’m really nervous. You gonna teach me?” says Andi, giggling. Weird pause. Err, they are actually talking about horses here, are they not? Then they discuss last week’s hometown date in Iowa. “I loved when you hopped on my lap in the tractor and went to town,” says Chris. Okay, that’s it: can you really blame me for reading the erotic subtext here?

But alas, erotic subtext and all, it’s just not meant to be: Andi starts crying as they hang out after dinner, which is never a good sign on these dates (or any date, really). Sure enough, she breaks up with him. “I have too much respect for you to blame it on Iowa,” she tells Chris. Instead, she tells him it’s Iowa and his boring personality. No, just kidding, but she does say that she just can’t see a foundation for something serious forming between them.

Chris, who is so absurdly polite that he would probably apologize to the thief taking his wallet for not carrying more cash, takes it in his stride. “It’s not what I expected,” he tells the camera softly, and then he slips out into the night to return to his tractor. Tonight, Chris is plowing a different kind of field than he expected.

Andi insists on having the rose ceremony so that her final two could actively decide to stay and continue pursuing her, as though there’s a chance they might actually chuck it all in when they’re so close to fifteen minutes of—um, eternal marital bliss. They both accept and the three of them clink glasses with starry eyes. Next week: The Men Tell All. It’s not everyone’s favorite special episode until somebody cries.

Catch up on all the Bachelorette re-caps here.

Image: ABC

The post The Bachelorette with Andi Dorfman, Episode 10: The Fantasy Suite Dates! appeared first on Jewcy.

The Hometown Date episode: it’s everyone’s favorite—except for the premiere episode, the one with the fantasy suite, and the finale, that is.

First up: Nick and his ever-present, artfully-draped scarf in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They go to a brewery, because Wisconsin, and sip an assortment of beers including one called “Nick & Andi.” No wonder alcohol is associated with an increased risk of vomiting. Next, it’s time to meet Nick’s family. Ten siblings and he still couldn’t figure out how to get along with others! But his little sister Bella sure is cute, especially when she’s sent to interrogate Andi with carefully recited lines, while Andi fumbles for kid-friendly answers. Finally, Nick has a heart-to-heart with his mom, and they both cry as they discuss Nick’s love for Andi.

Next: Arlington, Iowa, where Chris the farmer is waiting to greet Andi with open arms and one giant tractor. “Hottest farmer ever,” says Andi, like she really knows a wide array of farmers and can safely make such a conclusive assessment. The whole idea of urban, high-powered, professional Andi seriously considering making a home in Iowa is a joke, but a narrative that the show really wants us to believe in. “What would I do here for work?” Andi asks Chris. “There’s an opportunity here to be a homemaker,” jokes Chris—but is he really joking? They take a tractor ride and look gleeful (well, she is sitting on his lap) and then an airplane flies overhead with a banner that proudly declares: “Chris loves Andi.”

Chris introduces Andi to his family, and Chris’s mom—I now fully comprehend the meaning of the word homespun—steals the show with her straightforward country sass. “You need gumption to live on a farm, and you have it!” she tells Andi. “And you’d have such beautiful babies. I’ll baby-sit!” But this one is just silly: “There’s no limits for a woman on a farm nowadays.” There are limits for everyone on a farm, because it’s a farm. Still, Chris makes quite a lucrative living, and his sisters tell Andi how amazingly successful he is. The whole family gives off a really good vibe as they joke around with each other, and Andi loves it. “This is a great family,” she marvels to the camera.

On to Tampa, Florida, where Josh greets Andi with a friendly game of baseball. But really, Josh’s hometown date is defined by family and football, and his younger brother Aaron’s upcoming NFL draft fills about ten minutes of screen time. Josh quit baseball, apparently, to devote himself to helping Aaron succeed (an actual career is never mentioned). In fact, the whole family is determined for Aaron to succeed, and if I wasn’t a huge devotee of the best TV show ever, Friday Night Lights (sorry,Bachelorette!), I might find this family’s obsession with football a little weird. To the camera, Andi pretends to be annoyed at the prospect of watching Aaron play football every Sunday, but her face lights up when Josh’s dad asks her if she’d be willing to attend weekend games. “I’d love to!” she says earnestly. They all play a football game together outside, and it’s a little much already but gosh darn they do seem very affectionate with one another. I guess the family that punts together, stays together.

The final hometown date is Marcus’, in Dallas, Texas. Marcus takes Andi for a quick jaunt around town before stopping at an empty nightclub to reenact their first “date,” when the guys stripped for charity. For someone who claimed to be so shy before his first striptease, Marcus sure has grown surprisingly fond of the pastime. And Andi definitely loves it, though she does express some hesitancy about whether her feelings match the fervent emotions that Marcus declares. The seediness of this date is offset by the family portion of the evening, when Marcus introduces Andi to his mother and siblings. To match his striptease, Marcus lays his emotions bare too, tearfully thanking his brother for stepping up as a father figure.

Later, Chris Harrison gathers everyone at his own house to reveal some news. When the gang is assembled, he tells them about Eric Hill’s fatal accident. Andi breaks down; the guys sit there looking dumbfounded. After a moment of loud silence, Marcus has to go outside to collect himself, and Andi follows to comfort him. The whole thing is terribly sad, with shades of creepy voyeurism: I can’t shake the niggling feeling that the producers chose to air this segment because they knew it would pull viewers.

The following night is the rose ceremony, and after Andi takes a moment to collect herself at the beginning of the ritual, she chooses Josh, Chris, and Nick. Marcus looks stunned, and I don’t blame him: he seemed like a sure thing, at least from the way the show was edited. Andi leads him outside and cries, lamenting that she couldn’t keep him there knowing her feelings didn’t match his. Darn. I liked him, and looking at him.

Next week: the fantasy suite. Stay tuned for tasteful shots of rose petals on bedspreads, champagne on ice, and lights being turned off.

Catch up on all the Bachelorette re-caps here.

Image: Matthew Putney/ABC

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This episode determines the hometown dates—you know, the ones where Andi gets shepherded around her suitor’s neighborhood and meets the friends and family who have been coached about what to say to her. But before we can get to all the manufactured drama of that fan-favorite episode, we must endure the tension of this week, in Brussels.

Marcus gets the first one-on-one date, and his prior admission that he was contemplating leaving the show because he was too scared of the process is discussed ad nauseam. “I’ve been writing in my journal about it,” he tells Andi. The consensus? He’s ready to stay and fight for her affections because he’s madly in love with her. Marcus also tells Andi about his rather dysfunctional family dynamics—his dad split a while ago and his mom freely admits that she was not the best mother. Personally, I think being honest about familial flaws before said family is trotted out to meet the blushing Bachelorette is the way to go, and Andi seems to agree. “I’m excited to meet his family,” she tells the camera.

Back at the hotel, Josh gets the next one-on-one date card. As he gloats unbecomingly, Nick looks on moodily. He decides that he’ll have none of this, thank you very much, and he slinks to the hotel’s lobby to ask the clerk to remind him of the room number where his wife is staying. “Her name is Andi Dorfman,” he says, holding back a laugh. This is the worst acting I’ve seen since Tara Reid in… anything, actually, but because this drama is staged just like everything else on the show, the clerk tells him where Andi is staying. Nick surprises her in her room—no fluffy hotel robe and matching turban here, as she’s still dolled up from her evening with Marcus—and proceeds to whisk her away for a romantic nighttime stroll and make-out session.

The next day brings a one-on-one date with Josh, in Ghent. For all his protestations that he’s no typical athlete, Josh has a lot of trouble expressing his feelings. Andi badgers her witness until he admits, “I’m falling in love with you,” but who’s to say whether it was a genuine expression of true love or simply a coerced confession? I’ll let you be the judge of that one.

Then, on to the group date—the only one in this episode with a rose at stake. The guys are understandably competitive, though both Nick and his upturned nose are above such pettiness. Andi takes the guys to the Maredsous Monastery, where, weirdly enough there is a pottery room. She and Chris do their best Ghost reenactment (just the pot-throwing part, not the murder or psychic parts), but alas, it’s not enough to get him the rose. As he snootily predicted earlier in the show, Nick is the one to get the rose and secure a hometown date, as well as some one-on-one time with Andi while the other guys are sent home. When he waltzes back to the hotel, even I could feel the frost radiating from the rest of the guys, who greet him with stony silence. Farmer Chris, appropriately, is the first one to lay down the metaphorical pitchfork and confront Nick about his subliminally sleazy ways. Nick remains undeterred.

The guys jostle for Andi’s attention at the cocktail party, which culminates in a desperate Hail Mary pass by Chris when he pulls Andi out of the room for a long kiss right before the rose ceremony. “You go, Farmer Chris,” marvels Andi, looking a little dazed. Chris gets a rose, but not before Marcus and Josh do. And we know Nick already has one.

Next week: the gang finds out about Eric Hill’s fatal accident amid the hometown dates. I’ve got no snark for you there.

Catch up on all the Bachelorette re-caps here.

Image: Geert Vanden Wijngaert/ABC

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And then there were eight. This episode begins with the gang in Venice, where Andi arrives to inform the men which one of them will be her solo date, and though we are led to believe it might be Cody, it ends up being moody Nick. Let’s hope he found a better attitude somewhere in his luggage, because Andi has questions for this guy, and she wants answers.

Andi and Nick walk through Venice, encountering a gondola, gelato, pizza, and a whole lot of pigeons. But it’s at dinner, for which Andi is decked out in a ballgown, that the official interrogation begins. “Where did my sweet Nick go?” wonders our heroine. Nick mans up (just kidding) and blames his surliness on Cody, who had dared to call him arrogant in a previous episode, gravely wounding his feelings. Nick doesn’t seem very kind or good humored, but maybe he and Andi share some raw, animal energy that just isn’t translating on screen, because she gives him a rose and lets him stay.

The next morning, Andi wakes up alongside a secret admirer (it would be more interesting if i stopped here, wouldn’t it?) card, and so she chooses to focus on honesty during that day’s group date and arranges lie detector tests for everyone. Because nothing says romance quite like lie detector test, right, lovers?

Chris, by all accounts till now a gentle and placid farmer, confesses to the camera and the world that he’s pretty nervous because he’s actually been hiding something from Andi. This serves to make him just a little more interesting. As the guys take their tests, we learn some lame, revealing and squicky things, including the fact that Dylan doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom—but nothing is more lame than the revelation that Chris’s big secret is merely that he was Andi’s secret admirer. (And with that, the promo voiceover guy officially decides to stop pretending that this is the most dramatic season of The Bachelorette ever.) But Andi learns none of these confessions because she decides to rip up the results, and good lord do I hope a production assistant handles all the food should she and Dylan ever go on a dinner date again.

At the cocktail party, Brian steals Andi away for a fairly cute diversion, in which he administers his own lie detector test to Andi and asks the inevitable question, “Do you want to make out?” Well-played, Brian. Josh uses his alone time with Andi to protest the lie detector tests because relationships are built on trust (and on television, of course), and at this point, Josh’s constant need to defend his image definitely looks suspect. When Chris gets his own tête-à-tête, he nervously confesses his secretive admiring ways, as though there’s a chance Andi’s not going to totally love it. Of course, Chris gets the date rose. This irks JJ, who shares his ire with the gang, and Chris gets his farmer’s overalls in a twist when he harshly rebukes JJ—with foul language, to boot. My my, Chris, do you speak to the cows and sheep that way?

Finally, at long last, Cody gets a one-on-one date in the fair city of Verona, and it’s a rather cruel twist of fate—or the production team—that Cody, not the sharpest tool in the utility shed of contestants, gets a date that involves letter-writing and Shakespeare. Cody keeps professing his love for Andi, who clearly doesn’t reciprocate. Dinner’s gonna be awk-ward. And it is, as Cody babbles that he wants to introduce Andi to his parents and “roll around” with her. I guess Shakespeare didn’t make that much of an impression. Andi starts tearing up, which Cody wrongly interprets as an encouraging sign. Finally, well past the point of mercy, she tells him straight out that she’s just not that into him.

At the cocktail party, Andi continues to be inordinately in love with Nick, Josh continues to brim with righteous indignation, and in the end, Andi sends JJ home so he can dedicate himself to making custom pants for the masses.

Well, we’ll always have Venice, readers. Next week: Brussels, as in the sprouts.

Catch up on all the Bachelorette re-caps here.

Image: ABC / The Bachelorette

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After a week away, The Bachelorette is back, but unfortunately, it’s not better than ever. This week, the gang travels to France and encounters racism, miming, and frog legs, in that exact order.

Chris Harrison has a heart-to-heart with Andi at a French café where he asks her if she’s falling in love. Andi coyly demurs, but it’s pretty obvious the way things are going from the first one-on-one date of the night with Josh, the former pro-athlete. (Marcus who? I officially change my end-game prediction here.) Andi is clearly besotted, but Josh spends nearly the entire date convincing her that he’s not the stereotypical athlete who goes through women like “flavors of the week” at the ice-cream store. He seems really concerned about this, but they make out a lot anyway.

Back at the hotel, JJ tells Marquel that Andrew had referred to him as a “blackie” at a previous rose ceremony, as in, “Wow, Andi gave roses to a couple of blackies.” Though JJ says later in a confessional that it might have just been “black guys,” the fact that Andrew thought it was worth remarking upon is still good old-fashioned racism.

Marquel tears up a little when he speaks, quite genuinely, to the camera about his feelings regarding this situation: “Sometimes, no matter how you treat a person they just have this idea of you, and the first thing people recognize about me is that I’m a black guy.”

First mortality, now racism. But lest The Bachelor franchise inspire any prolonged authentic emotions, the camera quickly pans back to Josh and Andi making out. Thank God: I was feeling too contemplative there for a minute. Marquel just experienced actual racism, but Josh gets more screen-time recounting his troubles over being pegged as the hackneyed lady-killer athlete to Andi. Mon Dieu. Josh gets a rose.

On to the group date! The date card said nothing, so what could the afternoon’s activity possibly be? In an array of different colored shorts, the men are led by Andi through Marseilles, the pronunciation of which she mangles completely, saying “Mar-SAY” in a horrid Valley girl accent. Surprise: the guys will be learning how to mime and then sent outside to perform for the natives. From what little I know about French people—the women don’t get fat, for instance—it seems like they don’t easily suffer fools. I’d volunteer for a street performance in Manhattan any day over this.

Nevertheless, the guys are game and make like Marcel Marceau, or their best approximation of him, as the crowd stonily looks on. Marquel’s miming is actually pretty awesome, and JJ’s routine includes a reenactment of his and Andi’s first date. I hate to give a “pantsapreneur” points for anything, but that’s actually pretty cute. Nick sulks because he doesn’t want to pretend how not stupid this date is.

Day turns into night and everyone assembles at a lounge. JJ whisks Andi outside for a ride on some kind of spinning contraption that’s supposed to be a ferris wheel but which looks and functions more like the nausea-inducing teacup ride I take my kids on at various amusement parks. JJ and Andi manage not to vomit, which is good because they make out a lot on the ride. Can you just imagine?

Back at the lounge, Nick and beefy blond Cody get into a fight over Nick being too smug and Cody being too grateful, or something. Cody mad. Cody want to smash. Nick realizes he is about to get squashed like a skinny grumpy bug and wisely starts placating Mr. Muscle.

Despite Nick’s apologies, every guy who has alone time with Andi badmouths Nick and when it’s his turn, Nick owns up to it. Andi keeps calling him salty, like he’s a potato chip or a margarita, but she loves the lame poem he offers up and they make out.

More party drama: Marquel finally confronts Andrew, who went to the OJ Simpson School of Responding to Accusations and denied, denied, denied his “blackie” comment. “I respect everybody,” he blusters. “I never said that!” Methinks the asshole doth protest too much. Marquel gives a dignified response—“I’ll never stand for that kind of talk”—and just walks away, and I love him so much, but JJ is the one who gets the date rose.

Bryan gets the next one-on-one date. He and Andi eat their way through a market and giggle impertinently over “gross” frog legs, and even I, as rude an American as the worst of them, wince at this display of immaturity. They watch a movie, The Hundred-Foot Journey, that was just featured in a commercial and now gets more advertising as Andi tries to talk it up as naturally as possible. Forget frog legs, the lines she’s being fed here are the worst comestibles of the whole night. Bryan gets a rose.

Andi skips the cocktail party this week, because she already knows she’s sending home Marquel, Andrew, and Patrick. If Marquel isn’t the first black Bachelor next season, someone’s going to get an angry letter about it, mark my words.

Next week: Subterfuge! Tears! Gondolas! Until Venice, readers.

Catch up on all the Bachelorette re-caps here. (Editor’s note: Ep. 5 was was a ‘highlights’ episode which we did not re-cap, because a re-cap of a re-cap is too meta, even for us.)

Image: Patrick Aventurier, ABC / The Bachelorette

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The first episode of this week’s Bachelorette double-header opens in Santa Barbara, with Nick getting the one-on-one date card. He and Andi go bike riding and take a hike, and Nick tells her that he feels like a 12-year old boy around her. Oh god, I hope not: do you know 12-year old boys?

Andi digs deep into Nick’s romantic past, which includes a seven-year romance and a quickie engagement (to someone else), among other things. He tells her he’s pretty skeptical about soul mates, and though I’d think this would be the kiss of death for a starry-eyed hopeful romantic, Andi delights at the challenge: “I think that if I develop real feelings for him, I can turn him into a believer,” she says. This sounds like a solid plan of action.

The group date takes place at the Music Academy of the West, where Andi’s suitors greeted by none other than Boyz II Men. Best line of the entire season thus far goes to Eric: “I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in seventh grade.” Andi is very pareve toward Eric, and I have no idea why: dude is not only the best-looking one there but hysterical, and seems like one of the sharper tools in this shed of contestants.

‘I’ll Make Love to You’ is the very song the guys are tasked to sing with Andi in front of a live audience. They are predictably horrible. Andi kibitzes with Cody, the beefy personal trainer who looks like a fitter Moose from the Archie comics, and Josh, who gets the rose.

Andi’s next one-on-one date is with JJ, whose official occupation is being a “pantsapreneur,” a businessman who sells exclusive, custom pants. Don’t look for that word in the dictionary, though. They wear makeup to look like senior citizens—because JJ said he wanted to grow old with someone in a previous confessional—and walk around Santa Barbara together. He gets a rose.

Back at the mansion, a guy named Ron makes a hasty exit after getting a phone call that a friend of his died. Then Dylan tells Chris about how his siblings died, both from drug overdoses. In the midst of these serious real-life moments, a breath of frivolous manufactured drama blows in when, at the cocktail party, JJ and Josh confront Andrew about getting a waitress’s number when they went out together the other night (wait: are the guys allowed to leave the mansion by themselves?). But he gets a rose anyway at the rose ceremony, as do Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, and Dylan.

The second episode begins in New England because, Andi tells us, it’s quaint, and because, the producers don’t tell us, it’s cheap.

Dylan and Andi enjoy a scenic trip on a lovely train reserved just for them, and then Dylan reveals that his brother and sister both died but looks too angst-filled to discuss it further, and who can blame him. In fact, he can barely discuss anything after that, and remains quiet until dinnertime when Andi tells him to buck up and open up—or else. And he does, the music is cued and tears are shed, and he gets a rose.

Onto the group date, which turns out to be a basketball game with the men up against Andi, who gets a little help from some new friends: WNBA players. The women win, because WNBA, and then the guys break up into two groups to compete for a slightly smaller group date with Andi, where the winner will be one of five men instead of ten, which is fifty perfect more normal.

Eric pulls Andi aside. We know from a previous clip in the episode that Andi has expressed doubt about their relationship, despite a seemingly lovely first date; she feels they’re not thriving in this kind of contrived atmosphere, but it’s the only atmosphere they have at the moment. She tells him this, and he looks shocked.

Brian comes to grab Andi and they proceed back to the court, where he makes a crazy half-court shot and Andi appropriately fawns. It’s the perfect opportunity to lean in for a kiss, but as Brian tells us just a bit later, he’s bad at reading signs. He gets the rose anyway.

The final one-on-one date of the episode goes to Marcus, who is so obviously Andi’s favorite that I don’t even need to check Reality Steve for spoilers because I can spoil it myself just from the way she makes eyes at him. They have the obligatory “death defying” date where they rappel off the side of the building in which the guys are staying, but not before Marcus allays the fears of an anxious Andi. “I need to be the man in this relationship and hide my fear,” he explains. Ahh, sweet, sweet machismo. When they reach the bottom, she holds him tightly and says: “I couldn’t have done it without you,” embracing the cliche once and for all.

Andi seems to be a pretty unaffiliated Jew—so far she hasn’t mentioned her Jewishness explicitly, at least compared to the Bible-thumping of former Bachelor Sean—but I do find it a little ironic that her apparent intended is of German and Polish descent. Just musing aloud here.

Marcus gets a rose by dinner, and is the first to whisper-yell “I’m seriously falling for you and it’s terrifying,” into Andi’s ear against a backdrop of loud country music.

At the cocktail party with all the guys, Eric takes Andi aside and tells her he came to the show to fall in love with a real person, and not a TV actress. “You have a poker face with me,” he says. Andi freaks out, likely the culmination of fatigue and the stress of being a Bachelorette and also, maybe, because she knows he’s right. Eric—who was probably just hoping that Andi would finally ditch her shiny façade for a real moment with him—tries desperately to salvage the situation. But alas, she is too offended to listen to reason. She sends him off in quivering rage, with a chaste kiss on the cheek.

“Love is the reason to live,” Eric says in his confessional, which is the beginning of a painful and sobering final segment dedicated to his memory, instead of the expected rose ceremony. Chris Harrison and Andi reminisce about Eric, who died in a paragliding incident as Andi was wrapping up filming for the show, and send their condolences to his family. It’s surprisingly not tacky.

The show will return in two weeks, perhaps to give us time to process this reminder of mortality in what is usually the glibbest show on television.

Catch up on all the Bachelorette re-caps here.

Image: ABC / The Bachelorette

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