Ahhh, the fantasy suite episode: where The Bachelorette finally stops pretending it’s a classy enterprise and pimps out its star for numerous sexual encounters that are all but broadcast on television.
Against the gorgeous backdrop of a resort in the Dominican Republic, Andi reminisces about her romances with the three remaining guys, for all of us at home: Josh, the too-good-to-be-true athlete/family man; Chris, the sweet, strapping farmer/entrepreneur; and Nick, the skeptic with whom Andi has a deep mental connection. And now, it’s time for one-on-one dates with each guy, because nothing helps you figure out just who you want to marry than a careful process of elimination.
Nick is up first. He and Andi take a helicopter ride to a private island, and while they sure look pretty, the conversation is stultifying, with a lot of nervous “uhhs” from Nick. Dinner isn’t much better. But then Nick shows Andi the fairy tale book he made for her of their love story. “It was childish, in a cute way,” Andi tells the camera later, and she loves it so much she grants Nick the key to the kingdom, so to speak. “I can’t wait to talk with you all night,” Nick tells her. Yeah, sure. He then tells Andi he loves her and they start groping each other frantically. Save it for the suite, guys.
Next up is Josh, wearing a shirt that’s basically a picnic tablecloth, but still managing to look ridiculously hot. Josh auditions for “Best Future Father Who Speaks Passable Spanish Award” by playing ball with some local children. He also tells Andi that he loves her, which he admits to having said before, without actually meaning it. So wait: he’s said it and not meant it to other women, then? What a turd. But what does Andi care for other women’s broken hearts? Josh gets a key to the Fantasy Suite as well.
Andi’s third and final date of the show—horseback-riding—is with Chris. “Is it your first time riding a horse?” asks Chris. “Yeah, I’m really nervous. You gonna teach me?” says Andi, giggling. Weird pause. Err, they are actually talking about horses here, are they not? Then they discuss last week’s hometown date in Iowa. “I loved when you hopped on my lap in the tractor and went to town,” says Chris. Okay, that’s it: can you really blame me for reading the erotic subtext here?
But alas, erotic subtext and all, it’s just not meant to be: Andi starts crying as they hang out after dinner, which is never a good sign on these dates (or any date, really). Sure enough, she breaks up with him. “I have too much respect for you to blame it on Iowa,” she tells Chris. Instead, she tells him it’s Iowa and his boring personality. No, just kidding, but she does say that she just can’t see a foundation for something serious forming between them.
Chris, who is so absurdly polite that he would probably apologize to the thief taking his wallet for not carrying more cash, takes it in his stride. “It’s not what I expected,” he tells the camera softly, and then he slips out into the night to return to his tractor. Tonight, Chris is plowing a different kind of field than he expected.
Andi insists on having the rose ceremony so that her final two could actively decide to stay and continue pursuing her, as though there’s a chance they might actually chuck it all in when they’re so close to fifteen minutes of—um, eternal marital bliss. They both accept and the three of them clink glasses with starry eyes. Next week: The Men Tell All. It’s not everyone’s favorite special episode until somebody cries.
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Image: ABC