Picture this: two very hot (I mean really very very hot) people meet online and then BAM a global pandemic puts the kibosh on them meeting IRL because they have crippling anxiety about Covid. They talk online for months and seem perfect for each other in every conceivable way but never take a step in the next direction so they stay in that weird “will they, won’t they” sitcom space. Flash forward a year and they happen to be going through conversion at the exact same time with the exact same people. What are the odds?!

Obviously, one of those people is me, and yeah the stars really aligned on this one but I’m extremely worried that I’ve been misreading a year’s worth of signals and we’re meant to stay in that awkward grey-zone. I just want to be happy and gay and riddled with anxiety with them.

Is this all just a happy accident or am I too sleepy to realize it’s the best thing to ever come from a southern state?

Sincerely,

Smitten in the South

Hey Bubbela,

Firstly, mazel tov on being very, very hot, and thanks for converting! The more very, very hot Jews the merrier. Mkay, so, to answer your first question, I failed a remedial math class in college twice, so I have no idea what the odds are that you and your sexy, southern soulmate (SSS) would wind up studying Torah with the same “people” which I hope is code for “rabbis.” If I’ve gathered your second question correctly, you wanna know whether or not it’s kosher to smooch your covid-crush at the conversion ceremony. Is this IRL reunion to be, or not to be? Is your SSS a figment of your imagination, or should you totally turn this sitcom into a romantic comedy?

Yalla, let’s review the facts. Y’all met online — without clearer context, I have to assume it was on Chatroulette or, like, one of those MeetJewUniversity FB groups — but were cockblocked by the pandemic, which is a very valid reason for not swapping spit. Ew, sorry. 

My dear anxious and undershtupped M&M, I am thrilled to inform you that (IMO) this relationship is beshert! A lot of Jews think “beshert” means soulmate, but the Yiddish word literally means “destiny.” Wouldn’t ya know, but the concept of soulmates is actually a Jewish one! There’s a belief that the second Jews are conceived, an angel of God assigns us our soulmate. The stars between you and SSS were literally aligned before you were even born! The concept of beshert, as MyJewishDetroit.org puts it, is “fulfilling your personal destiny, thereby playing your part in the destiny of the world.” Suspending all disbelief, methinks this opportunity to french kiss your soon-to-be converted soulmate is totally beshert. 

If you couldn’t suspend your disbelief, here’s a less fun piece of advice: Tell your anxiety to shut the FUCK up for a moment and sweep your covid-crush off their sexy feet. If you end up getting married, I deserve to be invited. You have my email. Keep me updated.

Love,

Arielle

Need some Jewish dating advice? Send your questions to heybubbela@gmail.com. And don’t fret or hold back, we’ll always preserve bubbela’s anonymity.

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Anyway, even though we started ‘The Weekly Jewce’ last week, we’re already expanding and building a nice community here! So, starting Friday, ‘The Jewce’ will include an advice column written by the one-and-only Arielle Kaplan, whose writing you will often find on Jewcy.com.

Dating as Jews is hard, and no one really talks about it, so we decided to. Here at ‘Jewcy’, we are committed to creating a space where you can tell us your problems, and we make them worse. Kidding! We can only go up from here, right? Without further ado, meet your new—as she calls herself—Yenta-Jewish-Dating-Prophetess. I hope you’re as excited as I am.

Isaac, Editor of Jewcy.com

Hey Bubbela,

It’s me, Arielle, your local Jewess yenta prophetess. Are you underwhelmed by the Jewish dating scene? Do you feel like an orange and/or green M&M, anxious and undershtupped? Well, If you’re reading this, it’s not too late. I’ve been enlisted to help the Children of Zion fulfill daddy god’s number one request — “Be fruitful and multiply!”

What makes me, a lonely and horny Jew, qualified to help you navigate your life and be a light amongst the nations? Not to brag, but from surviving barrages of online Jew-hatred and French kissing IDF soldiers to my tenure on Jswipe and the Lox Club, I’ve cashed in more than enough mitzvah points to transform you from a shande fur die goyim to Good for the Jews.

So, my desperate little M&Ms, how can you reach me for dating and general life advice? Send your questions to heybubbela@gmail.com. And don’t fret or hold back, I’ll always preserve my bubbela’s anonymity.

xx,
Arielle

The post A Dating Advice Column for Sexy Jews Who Schmooze appeared first on Jewcy.