Listen, it’s your kid’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah, and you want it to be special. You’ve got the theme (“opulence”), you’ve got the music (Nicki Minaj or similar), you’ve got the entrance planned (though it’ll never beat this), but you still need a venue/caterer.

Like something out of Keeping Up With the Steins, enter the New York Harvard Club, featuring their own Bar Mitzvah menu. Because nothing says “coming of age in the Jewish community” like shrimp and squid tapas in a clubroom for an institution the teen of honor can’t even join for another five years.

Sorry; it would be lazy writing to just list every treif item on the menu. Like the petit crabcake with creole sauce. Or the lobster and vanilla cappuccino. Or the crab BLT. Or the baby octopus. Or the entire “New England Clam Bake Station” and the “Seafood and Raw Bar.”

Enough. Listen, not every Jewish gathering has to be kosher, since, you know, most Jews don’t. Dessert does include a “Mitzvah cake” but what that means is anybody’s guess. Perhaps, in accordance with the literal translation of the word, you’re commanded to eat it? There’s also mention of a kosher menu available, but no word as to what that entails.

But this isn’t about traditional dietary restrictions. It’s about the opportunity to be so lavishly assimilated that it doesn’t matter if you’re eating pork or not.

It’s about menu sections like “Asian Station,” “Taste of Italy” and “Mediterranean Specialties,” but nothing explicitly Jewish. It’s about having multiple selections of artisinal breads, but no challah. It’s about shelling out that extra cash (pun not intended) for an oyster shucker. It’s about serving way more food than the population of a small country could eat in one sitting. It’s about the open-est of bars at a party for twelve-year-olds. It’s about throwing a party at a club affiliated with a university that once had a quota on how many Jews could enroll.

In short, it’s about proving how great it is for Jews in America by being as un-Jewish as possible and sticking a Jewish label on it at the last second. It’s a Philip Roth masterpiece in menu form (and simply begs for a reenactment of the Goodbye Columbus wedding buffet scene). It’s revenge against the socio-economic barriers we’ve faced on-and-off as a people for centuries.

So go ahead. Bete’avon. You earned it.

Image via Wikimedia.

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Happy birthday, Ben Stiller!

The actor and comedian turns 49 today, and I’m using the occasion as an excuse to post this amazing clip from Keeping the Faith (2000), in which he demonstrates his Jewy bona fides as the Hip Young Rabbi who hires a gospel choir to invigorate his stodgy congregants. (Quick refresher, for those who didn’t waste their precious adolescence memorizing B-grade film plots: Stiller plays a rabbi unwittingly caught in a romantic rivalry with his childhood friend, a priest played by Edward Norton. The object of their affection? The very gentile, very verboten Jenna Elfman.)

As far as rom-coms go, it’s no Annie Hall, but I’d give it a solid… B minus, I guess? I mean, the plot is absurd—the entire film pivots on the notion that religious leaders will actually feel guilty about succumbing to sexual temptation, which, LOL—but it’s fun, kind of? Jenna Elfman in her prime!

Now also seems like an apt moment to remind you all that when Ben Stiller’s band performed “Hey Jude” at his bar mitzvah, Jerry Stiller got upset and rushed the stage because he thought they were singing “Hey Jew.” Halevai.

Until 120, Ben!

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Lisa Kudrow’s son went to the mall to buy a video game and returned home a man—thanks to Chabad. The actress recounted the amusing story to long-time pal Conan O’Brien earlier this week, after he berated her for not inviting him to her son’s bar mitzvah. Turns out the event was entirely out of her auspices: young Julian was approached by a “Jewish organization” at the mall, asked if he was of the tribe, replied in the affirmative—and moments later was wearing a kippah and tefillin and saying a bracha. (Apparently there’s a selfie to prove it.) Boom. Instant manhood. Or, in Kudrow’s words, a “drive-by bar mitzvah.” Mazal tov!

Related: Lisa Kudrow on the Holocaust, Anti-Semitism, and Her Nose Job

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A few weeks before my sister’s wedding, she was discussing ordering kippot, trying to figure out how many she would need for the big day. How many might be too many? Well, I said to her, if you order too many you could use the extras for when guests come to your home.

Within a second of saying this, I was immediately transported back to my family’s kippah drawer. It’s been a long time since I opened this drawer, which was located in a dark brown wood unit in the dining room. The top portion of the unit had glass doors that held candlesticks and the Seder plate. The bottom part of the unit was made up of three drawers. The kippah drawer was the top drawer and it had a very distinct wood smell; if I concentrate, I can still smell it.

It was outfitted with brass handles that made a sound when you pulled them up from their resting position. And as the drawer opened, it made an ever-so-slight noise. Inside this drawer my family kept all the kippot we acquired. A few were from weddings, but most were from bar and bat mitzvahs. We opened the drawer when a family member or a guest needed a kippah. And when a kippah was chosen—sometimes it was selected based on color to match an outfit—the inscription inside would be read aloud. You know, today’s kippah is brought to you by so and so who became a bar or bat mitzvah on this date in this year. This might have been followed by a factoid about the person, or information on the party’s theme. Such details are important.

What’s interesting about the kippot in this drawer is how they got there. Often we were invited, or someone in the family was invited, to the simcha. Hence the sharing of factoids and themes. Sometimes the kippah was from a bar or bat mitzvah at our synagogue that we attended because we happened to be there that day. In this case, someone in my family took a kippah from the basket outside the sanctuary and brought it home. Occasionally, we simply acquired a kippah and added it to the collection. Who knows how it got there, but it got there. That’s the beauty of the kippah drawer—kippot will mysteriously find their way to it.

Regardless of their exact route to the drawer, the kippot were in our home, and if someone needed one, we could provide it. Our kippah drawer signified that our home was a Jewish home.

There’s another way to look at the drawer. Beyond a kippah’s color and material (I am partial to non-nylon), a kippah from a bar or bat mitzvah is a historical link to an important day in a young person’s life. Forever stamped with the date and year, a bar or bat mitzvah kippah symbolizes my moment, your moment, her moment, the moment of someone we might not even know. A kippah is a Jewish artifact. Whenever it is worn, it connects the wearer back to that day, regardless of whether they knew the honored bar or bat mitzvah. There is something truly powerful about a drawer full of Jewish history.

Currently, my family has many kippot lying around at each of our homes, and some of them are in drawers. They may not be in the drawer, but they are in drawers nevertheless. I’m not sure how many we have. The good news is that wedding season is upon us, and there are many kippot that are about to make their way into my home. I’m thinking of designating a drawer to be the drawer.

The post An Ode To The Kippah Drawer, A Repository of Jewish History And Artifacts appeared first on Jewcy.

Zeke Winitsky, a 13-year-old boy from North Jersey, has penned a heartfelt plea in Esquire for better bar mitzvah suits. He went to the mall with his Mom looking for something sharp for the occasion, but struggled to find anything age and style-appropriate:

On the first day, God created the navy blue blazer with brass buttons and khakis. And I looked and saw that it was not good.

On the second day, He made the ill-fitting all-black suit. And I looked and saw that it was kinda bland.

On the third day he created the boxy grey suit — and things were starting to get bleak.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But wait! The bar mitzvah is about so much more than a suit! Let me pen an outraged comment about the hopelessness of ‘kids today’ right here!” To that I say: hold your fire. This kid is smart. He knows what’s up. He knows that a “navy blue blazer with brass buttons and khakis” sucks. I’m pretty sure he knows his parsha too, but this isn’t about that. This is about looking good, which is no trivial thing when you’re on the cusp of puberty/Jewish manhood—the most awkward phase ever—and about to read Torah and speechify in front of all your friends and family. Zeke, I applaud your sartorial maturity! (My search for a bat mitzvah dress was similarly fraught.)

I had always wanted a Brooks Brothers suit, so we went there first. I tried on the two suits I liked. But what I found is that I looked like a banker… from 1986. I don’t know why bar mitzvah suits must be so tacky — is it one of the 613 commandments in the Old Testament? Here’s the thing: I’m not a banker. I’m cool! I play the guitar! I have friends! Brooks Brothers had betrayed me. My mom and I agreed that this was not the right place for me.

Read the rest here.

Also: My Big Fat Hassidic Bar Mitzvah

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In middle school, Saturday nights were guaranteed preteen debauchery. There was at least one bar or bat mitzvah a week and we’d tie dance all night, hydrating ourselves with copious Shirley Temples on another parents’ dime. Retrospectively, it seems like nothing could make those nights more fun, but that’s just not true because there could have been an awesome video message from Katy Perry or Justin Timberlake wishing us a lovely evening and maybe even singing a signature note.

For the starting price of $5,000—and that’s only if your celebrity is, like, a nobody—you can have a star impress your friends via video greeting.

“Video greetings in general are considerably less expensive than a live appearance, but anytime you’re involving a celebrity’s name and image the price tag will be in direct proportion to the popularity of the star, ranging from the low of $5,000 per celebrity up to $100,000, often made as a donation to the charity of the celebrity’s choice.”

It was apparently too expensive to actually have a celebrity perform in person (unless you’re Kylie Jenner) so video appearances are now all the rage. At least it’s usually for charity.

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Madonna’s second child, Rocco, became a man this weekend, getting called to the Torah for the very first time. He was bar mitzvahed at Manhattan’s Kabbalah Center, where her Madgesty is a regular, Us Weekly reports:

The actual bar mitzvah ceremony took place on Saturday at the Kabbalah Centre in New York City, but the entire family gathered one night earlier at the Centre for a little pre-party. Madonna and Ritchie were very cordial and looked “so proud” of Rocco, the onlooker says of the singer and her director ex, who welcomed their only biological child together in August 2000.

Mazel tov, Rocco. I’m sure our invite got lost in the mail.

(Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

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What exactly inspired Rick Ross to name his latest mixtape The Black Bar Mitzvah? There’s not much in the text to give us any clues. Ross mentions the mixtape’s name a few times, but no more or less than he does Meek Mill’s upcoming Nightmares and Dreams (to be subtly released the day before Halloween!), his own previously released God Forgives, I Don’t, the upcoming Maybach Music Group tour, or the assortment of other projects and groups and associations that come with a mixtape released by the most powerful name in radio rap.

The only direct focus comes in the “Rosenberg” skit, in which New York DJ Peter Rosenberg sells out his heritage to take on the role of rabbi commenting on a “lavish” lunch spread and “the beautiful titties hanging out at the bar mitzvah service” (to be fair, I’d probably do this too if Rick Ross asked me). Weirdly, church organs and a Latin-sounding choir play in the background, strongly suggesting that Ross has never actually been to “Beth Shalom, Miami,” as Rosenberg claims.

Logic dictates that Ross got this idea from Drake. Drake, who brought the age of getting re-bar mitzvahed down from 73 to 25 with his “HYFR (Hell Yeah Fucking Right)” video earlier this year. Drake, who is actually Jewish. In the instant-classic music video, Drake’s re-bar mitzvah is a mixture of your typical synagogue-going crowd—and Lil’ Wayne and DJ Khaled. As Rembert Browne wrote in Grantland, the video was both ridiculous and deeply personal. Not entirely logical from the outside, it clearly felt right for Drake and the moment: “His world is a collision of cultures, so why pretend that any of them live in silos?”

Drake shows up on The Black Bar Mitzvah, but doesn’t bring any Talmud quotes with him. Instead, he’s got the most victory-lapping verse on the whole victory-lapping album; he sounds drunk and it’s terrific. “You let Drizzy get a verse, you gon’ get this worrrrk!” he slurs, like your best friend celebrating a promotion. Ross’ mixtapes have a way of bringing the out the best among those chosen to guest, and Bar Mitzvah is no exception. Rap baby Rockie Fresh steals the show with lines like “Like racism/I’ma be around,” 2 Chainz shows up because Obamacare made it illegal to have a mixtape in 2012 without him, and the whole thing runs pretty smoothly. Ross comes off as a slightly weird, very rich person who can make people feel successful just by being around them.

Basically, it feels like a normal mixtape, which makes the Jewish trappings even odder. The cover art, with a golden Ross popping out of a Star of David, feels like the end result of some historical fiction where Israel’s main export is customized 1970’s shag vans. It’s absurd—and absurdly eye-catching—which is precisely the point. It could raise questions about black-Jewish relations, but of course it doesn’t. This is a Rick Ross mixtape, and the guy who has claimed incarcerated drug dealers like Big Meech and Larry Hoover as role models isn’t exactly interested in an intercultural dialogue.

The closest historical point of reference is Jewish Mafioso Meyer Lansky, who’s been given shout outs from all-time legends Jay-Z and Raekwon. Lansky, who ran casinos in Cuba for a decade and was denied the right of return by Israel for his criminal activities, was also fictionalized as Hyman Roth in The Godfather. This would be a natural meeting point for Ross and The Jews, given how so many Maybach album covers tend to resemble the poster for Coppola’s masterpiece. Yet while the Jewish Mafia is given a namecheck on Ross’ version of Future’s “Gone to the Moon,” Lansky is nowhere to be found.

The Black Bar Mitzvah will definitely cement Ross’ place among 14-year-old Jewish private school kids looking to spend their bar mitzvah money while also wanting to be black, but that’s about it. He’s taken a stereotype once used as an excuse for vicious discrimination and presented it to be as harmless as it actually is. That we can look at an album cover like this and see nothing but the universally bizarre is without a doubt a good thing. If you’re keeping score at home, you can call this one Good for The Jews. Ross thought up at least one good tagline for The Black Bar Mitzvah, and it’s a fitting one: “Everyone’s invited.”

Previously: Watch: Drake’s HYFR Bar Mitzvah Wins Best Hip Hop Video at MTV VMAs
It’s Drake’s re-Bar Mitzvah, and You’re Invited!

From this author: Why I Gave Up God But Still Keep Kosher
The Beastie Boys Album That Changed Everything

The post Why Rick Ross’ ‘Black Bar Mitzvah’ is Totally Fine for the Jews appeared first on Jewcy.

• Ben Cohen, aka Ben of Ben and Jerry’s, is serving up some campaign finance reform.

• Paul Rudd gives away some of his bar mitzvah DJ-ing tricks. They’re a bit dated, but we still love you Rudd.

• The delightful tale of Maurice Sendak and his longtime editor, Ursula Norstrom.

• Meredith Fineman breaks down five teen movie scenarios that seem romantic, but are actually really weird.

• Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt, just being awesome and talking about baseball.

• Remember the guy who built that insane Versailles mansion in Florida that was the subject of a documentary? He told his employees he might have to fire them if Obama was reelected.

The post Daily Jewce: Ben (Not Jerry) Gets Political, Paul Rudd’s Old School DJ Tricks appeared first on Jewcy.

In 1992, Shaun Sperling became a man, celebrating with what appears to be a Madonna-themed bar mitzvah that we are quite envious of. Now, 20 years later, the world gets to see the magic that was his entrance dance:

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