I get it. In a sea of red and green, you want to loudly represent the blue. What’s the harm in that? Be proud! That’s not my concern.

But why the hell are we still marketing Judaism as quirky Christianity? 

Over a century ago, a bunch of American rabbis came together in a conference called The Pittsburgh Platform and long story short, they decided that Jews were no longer a nation, but a religious community like any other–specifically Christians and Muslims.

It was an attempt to modernize Judaism and allow American Jews to assimilate into the fabric of the United States. This idea had a lot of influence to say the least, and it still lingers in the way many of my American Jewish brethren see themselves today.

But if you have read any of the scathing infographics from the rightfully angry Jews in your Instagram circles, you know this isn’t true. We know that Judaism is not just a religion but also an ethnicity, that a rejection of Jewish nationhood is not reflective of the relationship Jews from around the world share, and most obviously, that our belief system is completely different from those of Christianity and Islam. We all agree Judeo-Christian is not a thing at this point, right?

Look, I don’t blame these rabbis. Wrong as they were, they were just reacting to a society which has always been reluctant to accept us. They were trying to help Judaism survive, and surely non-Jews not caring enough to understand us played a huge part too. But… one thing leads to another, and thinking of Judaism as a kooky Christianity most certainly paved the way for Hanukkah as “Blue Christmas.”

If Christmas is Christians’ most important holiday, then Hanukkah, which falls around the same time, must be ours. It must be a culmination of all things Jew-ey and Jewish-ey, with the oys and the veys and the gimel, dalet, heis. Add a dash of gentile-steered corporate crazy, some good ol’ Jewish overcompensation, and BAM! We’ve got Hanukkah gnomes, Magen David Santa hats, and of course, the ever-dazzling Hanukkah sweater.

And listen, Hanukkah sweaters, in theory, are probably the least problematic product of this whole balagan. (Don’t even get me started on the Hanukkah Bush.) Truth is, a lot of our culture and traditions are born out of being the other, some even inspired by the larger cultures we live within. And that’s okay! Hanukkah gifts became a thing just so we wouldn’t be jealous of Christian children, and you won’t see me complaining. The problem is that these products are made from a complete misunderstanding of who we are as a people and what we are celebrating. So, we’re stuck with a hoard of with slogans like:

Oy to the World,

Deck the Halls with Matzo Balls,

Jew-dolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,

Happy Llama-kah,

Challah at Me,

And even the raunchy, You Little Horah.

First of all, I am Sephardic so if I’m decking the halls with anything it’s going to be sambousaks. And secondly, notice how these have absolutely nothing to do with Hanukkah whatsoever?! They’re just goyishe holiday phrases with a Jew-ey pun jammed in. The others are just cliché Yiddishisms on knitwear, usually accompanied by illustrations of the most generic and recognizable Jewish symbols like an Orthodox man with peyos (yikes), stars of David, or the most Jewishiest of all… a reindeer with menorah antlers? What the hell?

Hanukkah sweaters are so ridiculous that they’re almost funny except… a lot of Jewish people buy them and wear them.

Like I said before, I get it. Being proudly, outwardly Jewish in a predominantly non-Jewish society is hard, especially when others don’t fully understand our culture. But instead of dumbing down our traditions and our identity to nothing, can’t we stand out in a way that’s authentic to our two-thousand-year-old-peoplehood? And at the bare minimum, in a way that even peripherally relates to what we are celebrating? 

And honestly, if you want to get some Hanukkah-wear, go for it. Who am I to stop you? (Personally, I’d go with a “I like you a latke” or “spin my dreidel” situation.) But let’s stop minimizing ourselves for the non-Jewish world. Let’s remember who we are. We are more than just a piece blue fabric and comic relief in a TV show.

And most importantly, let’s remember that Hanukkah is about a violent revolt against a kingdom who wanted to abolish Jewish culture–not “the light” and “the dark” and “Tikkun Olam.” It was a war against colonizers who tried to ravage our temple and take our property–in no other than Zion, by the way… Hanukkah, chaverim and chaverot, is as anti-assimilation as it gets.

Put that on a sweater.

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Chevrei, kinderlach, we have a new Jewish crisis on our hands. It’s not something you’d hear about in the lame-stream Jewish media, nor does it pertain to Israel or successfully producing Jewish babies. The latest infamous Pew Study, in all its wisdom, did not see fit to explore this important issue.

I am talking, of course, about ugly Chanukah sweaters.

If by some new miracle of Chanukah, you don’t know what I’m talking about, you know those really ugly patterned sweaters gentiles love breaking out come December? You can procure your own, with the designs altered to evoke symbols of Chanukah, e.g., lots of blues, Jewish stars, text with Chanukah puns.

And I am here to tell you the time has come to stop.

This isn’t an argument against assimilation, or even on accepting Christmas traditions, up to a point (looking at you, Menorah tree). After all, I’d be a hypocrite if I said it was all culturally off-limits and then proceeded to accept presents from loved ones, since that’s largely a modern rite that arose out of Christmas-envy (American Christian hegemony strikes again!). No, this is a plea that in good taste, please do not wear ugly Chanukah sweaters. No fake ties, no cable-knit Jewish stars. And why not?

Here’s a hint: If a product has ugly in the title, you might want to think about displaying it on your person.

Listen, when this phase started circa 2012, it was cute. You wore one to a party, and you were the only one there doing so, and everyone thought it was just hilarious. Maybe it was even a joke at the expense of Christian hegemony, and mainstream corporitization of a pagan-cum-Christian festival that has become a cultural and financial force that affects the entire country as some sort of jolly reflex rather than an expression of one particular culture! Wow, that was clever of you!

But it’s 2016, and ugly Chanukah sweaters have become ubiquitous. They literally sell them at Target. It’s no longer clear where the joke ends and Christian mimicry begins.

Dov Charney himself has told us that the era of the hipster is past. We can once again do things with sincerity, and are no longer bound by ironic intention.

Guys, you remember that Christmas sweaters and kitsch is ugly, right? It’s an amalgam of various European holiday traditions blended together into a milquetoast paste of bad fruitcakes and cheap tinsel. We are blessed to not have to do that to Chanukah. Why shoulder someone else’s burden? Have we seen so much of it that we’ve grown accustomed to the awfulness, so inured that we think it’s a good idea to take up the mantle of dreck ourselves?

Don’t wear these sweaters as a joke. It makes Chanukah a joke. Want to wear a blue dress covered with Jewish stars and glitter? Go forth (to Etsy, for example) and celebrate. But be sure to face a mirror and ask yourself, “Do I like the way I look?”

If you can really, really say yes, then wear your “Happy Llamakah” shirt with my blessing. But you may have to face the fact that whatever joke this once communicated is no longer worth it. It’s time to move on. Our own culture has plenty of questionable holiday traditions (even latkes are contentious). Start there, and chag sameach.

Image: An entry to an Ugly Holidays Sweater contest aboard a U.S. guided-missile destroyer USS Gridley. Not even the Navy is safe. Via Wikimedia.

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Jewcy crush Rashida Jones continued her talk show awesomeness (remember when she called out Mel Gibson for hating Jews on Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens?) when she stopped by Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on Thanksgiving.

They sang an incredible four minute-long holiday-themed pop song parody medley, hitting all the major targets: Taylor Swift (“We are never, ever, ever wearing ugly sweaters”), Carly Rae Jepson’s “Call Me Maybe” (“Pass the Gravy”), and even the somewhat tired Gangnam Syle (“Open Eggnog Style”). Jones obviously has a secret good voice, and pulls off the whole thick-framed-glasses-with-a-dress look.

But the highlight by far was when they started whistling the tune of Flo Rida’s catchy, gross-sounding song “Blow My Whistle,” and Fallon pulls a dreidel out of his pocket. “Can you spin my dreidel baby, dreidel baby, let me know,” Fallon rasps. “Girl I know that you’re not Jewish so I’ll start real slow.” It’s weird, since Jones is Jewish, but whatever. Then she breaks it down: “Just put your fingertips together and you say Shalom,” which is definitely not how we play dreidel at my house, but again, whatever. Do your thing, Jones:

Previously: Rashida Jones Tweets Awkward Childhood Photos to Promote Her New Movie
Lena Dunham Finally Got To Meet Jimmy Fallon
Rashida Jones Skillfully Describes How Mel Gibson Feels About Jews

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