The holiday season is rife with engagements, and Gwyneth Paltrow, actress, vegan, writer, blogger, mother and recent ex-wife of Coldplay’s frontman Chris Martin is next down the aisle (or headed towards the chuppah) with a winter engagement. Settling the rumors, the announcement of the couple’s union comes by way of a black and white cover on the latest cover of Goop, and shows a radiant Paltrow with TV writer and producer Brad Falchuk of Glee and American Horror Story nestled behind her. The newly engaged couple wears jeans and white t-shirts.

The couple met during Paltrow’s tenure as a guest star on Glee and have been dating for three years. Although both bring two children (How could anyone forget Apple?) from their prior marriages to the equation, Paltrow posted a photo of Martin and Falchuk brunching together in November with the hashtag “modernfamily,” so perhaps the fence has been mended. Anyways, Paltrow and Martin didn’t actually get divorced, it was a “conscious uncoupling.” (Don’t worry, everyone is trying to decipher what that term means.)

A sharp eye caught the appearance of Israeli chocolate product (pesek zman anyone?) on the table between Martin and Falchuk either as a physical barrier between the two men or the proverbial olive branch of friendship. Does this mean our Gwyneth is thinking of converting? Will Goop soon expand to include best practice for fish pickling? The lifestyle blogger seems nothing if not vigilant about what she does and does not eat, so only time will tell if kugel and chocolate babka start making appearances at the family table.

Falchuck, who has an impressive head of hair and seems totally smitten, is the son of of former national Hadassah President Nancy Falchuk. Paltrow, a reported follower of Kabbalah, is the daughter of Bruce Paltrow and actress Blythe Danner. Although Paltrow’s father is Jewish, it’s unclear how strongly Gwyneth identifies as Jewish, and the internet shows no consistency in reports about an alleged conversion prior to her relationship with Falchuk.

No doubt if Paltrow does make the move, her conversion will easily eclipse Charlotte’s famed act of love on Sex In The City. Poor Charlotte. Always second fiddle to a more glamorous blonde.  

We wish the new couple all the joy and sufganiyot they can eat.

Image from Instagram

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Gwyneth Paltrow is reportedly converting to Judaism, the New York Post‘s Page Six reports. Apparently, the actress/cookbook author/unattainable lifestyle queen “is quietly converting after years of following Kabbalah, which originated in Judaism, and being friends with Michael Berg, co-director of the Kabbalah Centre.” (The same cult organization which oversaw the bar mitzvah of Madonna’s son Rocco last year.)

Paltrow’s late father, the film producer Bruce Paltrow, was Jewish, while her mother, actress Blythe Danner, is Christian. Paltrow was raised in both religious faiths, which she once described as “such a nice way to grow up.”

It’s unclear who’s supervising the conversion, or if Paltrow’s children Apple and Moses (with ex-husband Chris Martin) will be converting with her. Either way, it’s nice to know that there are two Jewish holidays in which their names play starring roles.

The award for Twitter Quip o’ the Day goes to one Mr. David Wolkin:

gwyneth paltrow just straight up pouring honey on her daughter’s head for rosh hashanah

— David Wolkin (@david_wolkin) September 5, 2014

Welcome to the tribe, kids!

(Image: Andrea Raffin / Shutterstock.com)

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• Beardless Matisyahu is so unrecognizable these days, he can’t even get into clubs. [NYP]

• Turns out not everyone is a fan of Mandy Patinkin’s memorable Princess Bride character, Inigo Montoya—a guy flying from Sydney to Auckland was asked to change his shirt, which said “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” [Gawker]

• Mel Brooks talks Catskills comedy and the garment district. [NPR]

• Gwyneth Paltrow does not tolerate slutty friends. [Jezebel]

• Adam Levine was spotted filming what looks like an SNL Digital Short with Andy Samberg and the Lonely Planet guys. [BuzzFeed]

• Children’s frightmaster and author R.L. Stine discusses the early horror classics that influenced him growing up. [MediaBistro TV]

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• Gwyneth Paltrow, total mom dancer. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Narcissism is IN, courtesy of people like Lena Dunham. [Esquire]

• Nick Kroll might be surpassing Schmidt as our favorite Network Jew. Here’s a clip from his upcoming Comedy Central series, the Nick Kroll Show. [Vulture]

• Harold Bloom is God, says Tablet Magazine. [Tablet]

• The New York Times finally realizes Julie Klausner and her How Was Your Week podcast is awesome (we’ve been saying that for years.) [NYT]

• Drew Barrymore would hate going to Florida, and Billy Eichner knows it. [Funny or Die]

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• This is awkward, but it looks like Hanukkah envy is the new Christmas envy. [Tablet]

• The company behind Peeps apologized for a holiday ad referencing shiksas. Not apologized for, however, was the nebbishy yarmulke-wearing Peep also featured in the ad. Low blow, Peeps. [Media Decoder]

• George Costanza is headed to Community—oh wait, it’s just Jason Alexander. [Vulture]

• Gwyneth Paltrow wants to help you be a better parent. Step one: stop watching TV in English. [HuffPo]

• A look at Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s new movie. [THR]

• The time Lena Dunham’s Girls character, Hannah Horvath, applied for a job with too little enthusiasm:

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Max Greenfield, the actor who plays Zooey Deschanel’s lovably high-strung, high-maintainence roommate Schmidt on New Girl, might have to throw some cash in Schmidt’s douche jar for this one. He chronicled his Emmy Awards prep (Schmidt got a well-deserved best supporting actor nod) for Gwyneth Paltrow’s uber-blog, goop, in a post called “A Man of Great Tom Ford-itude.”

Last time he did this to us, we weighed the pros and cons of Schmidt-by-goop. Conclusion: Real-life Schmidt, still endearing. If you want to maintain that image of Greenfield, stick to these key time-stamped moments:

6:30 a.m.: My daughter wakes me up. She has no clue what the Emmys are. She wants a waffle.

Disregard 12:15 p.m. entirely. I repeat: Disregard 12:15 p.m. Fine: Before we get into the limo I watch a YouTube video of Gwyneth Paltrow winning the Oscar for her performance in Shakespeare in Love to remind me what grace looks like. :)

1:30 p.m.: My limo driver Danny tells me that he’s never seen the show before but thinks that I will win. It’s nice to know that Danny has more faith in me than my mother.

5:09 p.m. – 8 p.m.: Blah, Blah, Homeland, Blah, Blah, I MEET BILL HADER! Blah, Blah, Blah the show ends.

12:20 a.m.: We return home. My wife and I reflect on what was an incredible evening and how lucky we were to have been a part of it.

Aw, Schmidt!

Max Greenfield’s Emmy Experience [goop] Previously: New Girl’s Max Greenfield Guest Edits Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Newsletter
Network Jews: Schmidt from New Girl

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• Well, this is awkward. 18% of people surveyed think Obama is Jewish.

• Willa Paskin talks to Morgan Saylor, the young actress who plays Dana Brody on Homeland.

• Alicia Silverstone stars in Vamp, which is basically Clueless for the Twilight era.

• Mover over Gwyneth, Elizabeth Taylor invented Goop first—and it was a cocktail.

• John Goodman is hanging out with the Coen brothers again.

• Before your power goes out, watch Drake’s graduation speech:

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• Irving Cohen, the Catskill’s unoffical matchmaker, died at 95. His obituary is the stuff of legends.

• While dad was crushing it at the U.N. with his bomb diagram, 21-year-old Yoni Netanyahu was partying it up around Manhattan.   

• Mandy Patinkin is a ninja, and other things we learn from the 25th anniversary screening of The Princess Bride.

• Our girl Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to make a Go Gos musical. Godspeed, Goop.

• The recording studio where Drake made his first two albums is now home to a 50-seat theater. No word on whether any Degrassi tribute shows have been scheduled yet.

• Over at Vulture, Jesse David Fox points out the insane Jewishness of Guilt Trip, a new movie starring Seth Rogen and Barbra Streisand.

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VIRGO (AUGUST 21-SEPTEMBER 20): An einredenish iz erger vi a krenk: An imaginary illness is worse than a real one.

Practical, dependable, modest, graceful and extremely reserved, Virgo is characterized by the Virgin Maiden, as well as the bird (like all mutable signs, Virgo is “double-bodied”—adaptable and dualistic). As such, your powers of eloquence, composure, precision and tact are to be lauded. However, you are often overly-critical and can strain yourself with your vigilance and inflexiblity—you work hard so that your calm exterior never betrays your anxious interior, and this disconnect can lead to frayed nerves.

Virgos are ruled by the belly and intestines (Kishka). You operate via gut reaction rather than psychic intuition. You thrive when you are solving problems, creating order out of chaos, and otherwise exercising your brain muscles. Your nervousness, however, when unchecked, can lead to hypochondria and extreme anxiety. Obsessed with hygiene and organization, you often bottle up for feelings—feelings are not, after all, very clean and orderly.

With the New Moon in your sign on September 16 (Rosh Hashanah), and a Full (Blue) Moon in Aries on the 30th (Sukkot), and Yom Kippur in between, you may find particular significance in the tashlich ceremony—how very Virgo to systematically cast off your sins to make a clean slate for the New Year!

Famous Virgo Jews: Peter Falk, Leonard Bernstein, Adam Sandler, Alan Dershowitz, Dr. Drew, Gene Simmons, Dorothy Parker (half-Jewish), Sid Caesar, Pink (half-Jewish), Stephen Fry (half-Jewish), Max Greenfield, Lewis Black, Gwyneth Paltrow (half-Jewish)

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 21-OCTOBER 20): It’s healthy to question whether you are getting what you want out of life, but dangerous to assume that the path not taken was the right one. Let life unfold naturally—you’ve been warned!

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 21-NOVEMBER 20): 
Your ruling planet Pluto turns direct on September 18, allowing your subconscious to take a break. Stop ignoring your deepest desires and focusing only on getting through the day, and you’ll gain control of your life (and probably prevent some gray hairs).

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 21-DECEMBER 20): Resentment can build up, preventing you from seeing things for what they are. The New Year will usher in good tidings, allowing you to see with clarity that the decisions you make in life are what shapes it—and you.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 21-JANUARY 20): Capricorns are the Vulcans of the Zodiac. It’s not that you don’t have feelings, but you play your cards too close to your chest, guarding yourself against anything impractical. You’ve got so much going on inside of you that it would be a crime not to express yourself! New Year, New You!

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 21-FEBRUARY 20): Pay extra attention this Yom Kippur—your innate indifference can blind you to your own foibles. Once you open up to the possibility that some of this may be your doing, you’ll be more conscious of how to fix it.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 21-MARCH 20): You adorable luftmensh, you! The retrograde triple threat in the slow moving planets makes your psychic abilities so keen that it may be painful. Use this time to sift through these psychic energies, and you’ll begin to reap what you’ve sown throughout the year.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 20): Rosh Hashanah literally means “the head of the year”—and Aries heads the zodiac in Western astrology. Brandish your shofar and hark the herald! You may be the bold brazen ram, but think about relinquishing some of your control. There’s plenty of time to bemoan a bad fortune once it arrives.

TAURUS (APRIL 21- MAY 20): Surround yourself with people you trust and be direct with what you need from others. They’ll be more willing to help if you know what you want and aren’t afraid to ask for it. True love will come when the time is right. Until it does, remember this: you better work!

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUNE 20): Although Mental Mercury makes you a bit of a macher, you’d better give up on your scheme to harness time. That’s never going to happen. Your versatility and inquisitive nature make you a perfect candidate for embracing the energies of the universe and working with them, not against them.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 20): Sages have said it is unwise to speculate on the unknowable, and for many Cancers this includes other people. You ought to exercise your empathy muscles and cast your sins of dogmatic prejudice into the river of new beginnings—you’ll be surprised by how much others want to include you in their lives.

LEO (JULY 21-AUGUST 20): For this you went to college? Although you may feel you are about to burst from the fear that you’ll never move beyond your current circumstances, it’s time to put up or shut up—tokhis oyfn tish. Big changes this month beseech you to keep your eyes on the prize, you Lucky Leo.

The post Jewcy Horoscopes: Virgo, the Anxious Maiden (August 21-September 20) appeared first on Jewcy.

• He’s baaack: John Galliano has allegedly filed a 15 million euro employee/employer dispute claim in French labor court.

• Meet the actress married to Seth Rogen.

• Tom Bower has been cast as Dwight Schrute’s oft-referenced former Nazi uncle, Heinrich Manheim, on a spinoff of The Office.

• Take a walk down sartorial memory lane with Gwyneth Paltrow.

• British actor Jamie Bell has been added to the cast of Lars von Trier’s Shia LaBeouf-filled film, Nymphomaniac.

• Members of the Israeli band Monica Sex learned the hard way not to get undressed mid-concert, or else the police might get involved.

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