SCORPIO (OCTOBER 21-NOVEMBER 20): Shaineh shveigen iz shener vi shain reden: Dignified silence is better than dignified speech.

Ancient Hebrews knew Scorpio as Lesath (Lesha), the perverse. The fixed water sign, Scorpio is the most misunderstood of all the signs. A natural detective, you’re the sign of intensity. Ruled by the stinging scorpion and the majestic eagle, Scorpios are capable of the highest highs and lowest lows—this sign has more extremes than any other.

You are a secret force of nature, best known for your seething magnetism, passion, and mystery. At best, you are quick in critical thought, perceptive, and able to sense the moods and thoughts of others. At worst, you are uncompromising and exacting, suspicious, cruel—as stubborn as the other fixed signs but with a vindictiveness that can spell danger.

Magnetic Scorpio is a sign of attachment. Your feelings of attraction and repulsion are pronounced. But make an effort to be more open; at a distance you fool others, close at hand just yourself—Fun vaytn nart men laytn, fun neont zikh aleyn—it will also reduce miscommunications

Saturn will remain in Scorpio until September 19, 2015. During this time, make an effort to relinquish bad habits. The Taurus full moon on October 29 illuminates relationships, reflecting your emotions back to you and helping you realize the root of your passions. Just in time for Halloween, you devils. Your self-awareness shines through with the new moon solar eclipse in your sign on November 13.  After the Mercury retrograde period (November 6-26), and when Neptune turns direct on November 11, you may experience some breakthroughs. 

Famous Scorpio Jews: Mike D, Ad-Rock, Fran Lebowitz, Winona Ryder, Larry King, Rodney Dangerfield, Drake, Isaac Bashevis Singer, Judge Judy, Fanny Brice, Hedy Lamarr, Benjamin Netanyahu, Henry Winkler, Roy Lichtenstein, Carrie Fisher (half-Jewish), Art Garfunkel, Jeff Goldblum, Maggie Gyllenhaal (half-Jewish).

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 21-DECEMBER 20): With your ruling planet Jupiter in retrograde from October 4 to January 30, you may find yourself reminiscing about ghosts from your past. Use this time listen to what your instincts are telling you. The full moon on the 29th encourages you to sit back, relax, and put your feet up already—you deserve it!

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 21-JANUARY 20): The full moon in Taurus, the most sensual of earth signs, urges you to put your work down and go out and play. Your ruling planet, Saturn, is in Scorpio for the next few years, encouraging you to commit to a goal and see it through to the end. Take this with a grain of salt: All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 21-FEBRUARY 20): It’s either all or nothing—Oder gor oder gornisht—for you Aquarians. You may be getting cold feet about a current romantic entanglement. Go back to your roots: spending some time with family may offer clues for how you can incorporate romance into your scheme of things.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 21-MARCH 20): Your ruling planet Neptune turns direct on November 11. If you’ve been extra sensitive to the energies around you, you may find some relief when this period of intense inward-looking ends. While you may have to go against your nature and think about the practical, mundane things in life, there are ways to maintain your imagination and optimism throughout.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 20): You Aries have a tendency to put your foot in your mouth. While the headstrong schvitzer (show-off) between your ears may motivate you to achieve your goals, be careful that you don’t work so hard that you burn out. Ambition is a good thing as long as you stay grounded in reality.

TAURUS (APRIL 21- MAY 20): Languorous Tauruses don’t always strike when the iron is hot. Although you have no shortage of dreams, it takes some time for you to bring them to fruition. The full moon in your sign on October 29 cautions you to watch your boundaries with your emotions.

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUNE 20): Mercury turns retrograde from November 6 to 26, frustrating your instincts. That shouldn’t stop you from schmoozing, reading, learning, and doing your Gemini thing. Talk your heart out—Me redt zich oys dos harts—you might not get exactly what you had in mind, but when has that ever stopped you before?

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 20): Ruled as you are by the moon, you are particularly susceptible to full and new moons. While the full moon may create tension for you, remember that every man has a madness of his own—Itlecher mentsh hot zich zein shigoyen. The best way to face the world is head on!

LEO (JULY 21-AUGUST 20): Any sense of limitation you’ve been feeling is reaching its breaking point. Before you succumb to the pressures of reality, take a few moments to breath and assess your state of affairs. You magnetic Leos go straight to the heart of the matter—be true to yourself and go after what you really want. 

VIRGO (AUGUST 21-SEPTEMBER 20): Discerning Virgos may not have a hard time seeing the forest for the trees, but with Mercury moving retrograde most of November, be careful you don’t bore your companions. A critical eye won’t necessary save you from the forces of chaos that descend upon us all from time to time. 

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 21-OCTOBER 20): Venus, your ruling planet, moves into your sign on October 28, neshomeleh (sweetheart). Libra is the sign of partnership, and you’ll find yourself becoming more aware of that special someone. But don’t take this as an excuse to neglect your own personal development—if you got it, flaunt it!

What’s Your Sign?
Jewcy Horoscopes: Lovely, Lawful Libra (September 21-October 20)
Jewcy Horoscopes: Virgo, the Anxious Maiden (August 21-September 20)
Jewcy Horoscopes: Leo, King of the Jungle (July 21 – August 20)

The post Jewcy Horoscopes: Stinging Scorpio (October 21-November 20) appeared first on Jewcy.

Childrens Hospital, the very recently Emmy-nominated Adult Swim comedy from former Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry (the blood-soaked doctor in omnipresent creepy clown makeup that you may have seen in commercials for the show) is clearly not your typical doctor’s show, or for that matter, television show. In each 10-minuteish episode, anyone can die and come back to life, medical procedures happen on a whim, and Henry Winkler (at his nebbiest) is a hospital CEO. More importantly, reality, plot lines, and any sense of decency are subservient to the all powerful and omnipresent joke.

But one stereotype that the show has picked up from the real world is the Jewish doctor, Dr. Glenn Richie (Ken Marino, of Party Down and Burning Love fame). Dr. Richie (get it?) is arguably the most grounded character on the show, and is one of the few mainstays who, from day one, hasn’t died and come back to life, gotten fired/rehired, or undergone (spectacularly unsuccessful) successful neurological surgery. (You read that sentence correctly, and yes this show makes absolutely no sense). The arguably wackiest moment for this “stable” (extra emphasis on the air quotes) doctor involved him actually (but in reality, not really) chopping off his own finger to donate to a Middle Eastern sultan to prove his bravery to a girl in a “live” TV episode of the show. The girl ended up being a cross dresser played by Jon Hamm.

We are introduced to the yarmulke-clad Dr. Richie within the first few seconds of the premiere, in the weekly “previous episode” gag (similar to Arrested Development’s ‘in next week’s episode,’ where they show clips that won’t actually appear in next week’s episode), where we see him voraciously making out with Dr. Cat Black (Lake Bell) in front of a patient, his mother, and the rest of the floor. Typical hospital behavior. However, after Cat unexpectedly dumps him mid-kiss, Dr. Richie points to his yarmulke, causing Cat to respond, “No, it’s not because you’re Jewish.” Immediately, Dr. Richie’s Jewishness becomes a platform for a series of jokes that will play out in the next three minutes. Literally 30 seconds later, Cat confides in her best friend Dr. Lola Spratt (Errin Hayes), that she is in fact breaking up with him because of his religion. In a hilariously spot on observation, she says that “she just can’t imagine spending every Christmas with a Jew, you know, lighting candles all the time, telling knock-knock jokes”, while Lola chimes in “totally, driving minivans, reading books.” We’re rewarded with a series of Jewish stereotypes, from the offensive to the simply ludicrous.

This whole line of jokes has been a setup for the grand finale—one minute later, when Lola attempts to break up with her current boyfriend (because they’re roommates and that would be totally confusing), he asks why, and she responds, “Are you Jewish?”, to which he sarcastically answers, “Do I drive a minivan?” Game, set, match. No other show could match the amount of material that Children’s Hospital just fit into five minutes, which happens to be half the length of an episode. It’s a Borscht Belt comedian’s dream come true.

Dr. Richie’s crowning Jewchievement occurs in last season’s penultimate episode, “Party Down” (Marino was a mainstay of the short-lived cult favorite show Party Down). After bad salmon sends two-dozen kids to the hospital during the Spiegelman bar mitzvah (the bar mitzvah boy: “I didn’t know that the 10 plagues included cured fish”), Dr. Valerie Flame (Malin Akerman), Dr. Richie’s girlfriend, declares that “there is only one man who can handle a situation this Jewish.” Cut to Dr. Richie dominating a game of basketball against two African-American guys, monologuing that “being a Jew is fantastic: we have big hands, we kick ass at math, and we can lift three times our body weight.” (To the best of my knowledge, while there is a stereotype that Jews are good at math, it’s ants that can lift a multiple of their body weight.) Dr. Flame tries to get him to help the kinderlach, but is rejected when Dr. Richie admits to never having a bar mitzvah, so “according to Hebrew law,” he’s “still 12 years old.” (“But don’t tell his pubes that!”).

Dr. Flame announces she’ll throw him the best adult bar mitzvah the next day, and enlists the help of the man who tried to steal her away from Dr. Richie just one season earlier, the tzitzit-wearing, Shatner-cadence-mimicking, Rabbi Jewy McJewJew (series producer David Wain) to help with Dr. Richie’s passage into adulthood. The episode manages to mock almost every bar mitzvah trope possible. Dr. Richie’s crackly torah reading, hallucination inducing pre-mitzvah nerves (Rabbi McJewJew calls it “haleech benuash,” which I’m pretty sure is made up, even though he says he’s seen it before), and a gift from Dr. McJewJew—a light gray JC Penney suit from his own bar mitzvah, complete with a self-tying tie. Words like shalom, naches, hashem, mazel tov, bimah, oy, and goya are all dropped like they’re hot, while Jewish males are usually seen wearing a small tallit at all times. Dr. Richie’s bar-mitzvah speech is even incorporated to replace the usual episode wrapping voiceover.

Childrens Hospital is remarkable for its joke rate and absolute refusal to stick to reality, while simultaneously being able to mock almost anything it pleases. This episode basically takes the entirety of Keeping the Faith, removes the plot, and adds 3 billion cc’s of crazy, which is what Childrens Hospital does best. Dr. Richie, and every other Jew in this episode, is a walking stereotype, ripe for joke-making, especially the post-credits Party Down reunion mini-gag.

Oh yeah, I forgot, this whole thing took place in Brazil. And there was a whole circumcision reversing secondary plot line. Forgot about that. Oy vey.

Previously on Network Jews:

Jeremy Goodwin, the wide-eyed Wunderkind on Sports Night

Harry Goldenblatt, the unlikely Casanova on Sex and the City

Max Blum, Happy Endings’ solution to the Joey problem

Jonathan Feld is a second year medical student who hasn’t written anything not-science related in 3 years.

The post Network Jews: Dr. Glenn Richie from ‘Childrens Hospital’ appeared first on Jewcy.

• Henry Winkler is in talks to play an aging porn star in new Broadway comedy, “The Performers.”

• Did Mario Batali’s partner in NYC eateries Babbo, Del Posto, and Eataly, invent the everything bagel? If so, how do we thank him?

• Jewcy’s Margarita Korol offers some helpful ideas for a new flag for Greece’s neo-Nazi party, Golden Dawn (which recently won seven percent of the vote in Greece’s national election).

• Here’s Senator Daniel Squadron introducing a resolution honoring Adam Yauch, the late Beastie Boy and activist who grew up in Squadron’s Brooklyn district:

The post Daily Jewce: Henry Winkler May Play Aging Porn Star, Honoring MCA in the Senate, and more appeared first on Jewcy.