It’s certainly been an exciting week for Jewish genitalia. First, we saw nightmares come to life when an Israeli man, sitting on the toilet at his parents’ house, had his penis unexpectedly bitten by a snake. Now, the first-ever kosher lubricant was approved by the Rabbinical Council of California, and you know you’ve always wanted those guys involved in your sexual choices.

All thanks go to Trigg Laboratories, I suppose. The company’s line of Wet products was “created to meet the highest industry standards,”—but apparently they wanted to answer to an even higher standard, too.

“The ‘K’ imprint on our packages says that we maintain the highest standards of purity and answer to a higher authority,” spokesman Dean Draznin said.

It might not be such terrible idea, either. The Atlantic points out that given Israel’s high fertility rate, and Tel Aviv’s 2011 status as “World’s Best Gay City,” this could actually be a very profitable move for the company:

And Wet happens to be a popular product in the gay community, having been ranked by various publications as some of the best, safest and most popular among gay men. Kosher certification could be a plus for gay Jewish men and perhaps foster brand loyalty among those who already use it.

Kosher lube, however, might not be necessary in the eyes of Jewish law—or Jewish consumers—according to JTA. Menachem Lubinsky, president of a company conveniently named Lubicom, hasn’t seen a demand for kosher sex products at its annual Kosherfest trade show.

“I’m not aware of any large demand for this. I’m more aware of people looking for kosher-for-Passover dog food. Having said that, there’s been a trend in recent years to make more over-the-counter drugs and cosmetics with certification for people that don’t want to bring anything into the house that isn’t kosher certified.”

To each his own.

The post Finally, You Can Buy Kosher-Certified Lube appeared first on Jewcy.

Like Justice Potter Stewart, I cannot definitively say what constitutes food porn, but I know it when I see it. Food porn isn’t erotic in a traditional romantic sense (Although South Park aired a 2010 episode about it in which Randy gets a little too involved with the Food Network). Rather, it’s the glamorization of food with images—and thanks to Instagram and other social networking platforms, it’s become a colloquial phrase. Capitalizing on that trend are two 24-year-old University of Colorado grads with their new website, MrFoodPorn.

Mixing photos and prose, Noah Rinsky and Josh Seigel use their site as a Manhattan-based forum for detailing their experiences with high-end food. Writing about expensive dining can quickly turn people off, so they opted for a silly name and quirky logo—a messy man all suited up, with a turkey leg in hand and stains dribbled on his lapel—to garner a wider audience. And to keep Mr FoodPorn from being too indulgent (the site’s ‘About Us’ section reads, “We’re devourers of all things fleshy, bready, and over indulgent; eaters to the first degree, scaling the highest meringue-mountains of wanton culinary delight!”), Rinsky and Seigel devoted a page to two hunger-fighting charities, Food Bank for New York City, and City Harvest. Giving back is important to them, and I’m sure it helps the conscience when you’re sinking your teeth into those sugar-cured bacon strips, which Rinsky won’t eat because he’s kosher. Instead, Seigel gives him play-by-plays of the bacon-wrapped matzo balls at Traif in Brooklyn.

They seek to add substance and creativity to the language around food porn. Instead of simply photographing your deep-fried dinner and adding a #nomnom hashtag, Rinsky and Seigel describe exceptional meals for their audience, who can read leisurely while salivating freely. They both work in the food industry, so they write about the culinary world beyond just the dining experience. In this excerpt, Mr FoodPorn describes his high-stress experience as a trainee waiter at the upscale Manhattan restaurant Eleven Madison Park.

“What is so unique about the river that runs along this vineyard?” he asks, and I assume that the metaphor will become more lucid if I’m ever allowed in the inner circle. Or is he just quoting The Master?

“I-I’m…” stutters the seasoned waiter. “I’m not quite sure.”

A look of disgust consumes the manager’s face as he calls on another server, who he applauds for saying something that I find cryptic at best, moronic at worst. I keep asking myself if I even want this job, and I consider the money; the huge bills, the massive tips; fifteen courses, hundreds of wines, five-thousand-dollar tabs. I do. I really really do want to work here. Before entering the dining room, I watch servers fold napkins as they go over the menu with me. The napkins must be folded identically and each stack must be the same height. When this is through, I’m asked to go look at myself in the mirror and am told that my collar isn’t right. I search without finding error, and a server is nice enough to fix it for me. Dinner service starts and I follow Jacob, my server for the night, into the grand dining room. Eleven Madison Park’s ceilings seem to expand and soar, and the huge windows give the impression of Old World Europe. The job is constant movement, and I sweat right through my cotton shirt. Each table is assigned a team of servers. There are so many that I’m afraid of knocking something over, so I ask Jacob what happens if I do.

Rinsky and Seigel just threw a launch party for Mr FoodPorn, and according to Seigel, who’s been tracking analytics, the site has been steadily gaining readers (he recently quit his day job to work on the website full time). While they continue to develop and grow the site, more poutine and calf liver will no doubt be consumed—and, of course, viscerally described, bite by bite.

The post Two Hungry Jews Create ‘MrFoodPorn’ Site to Chronicle Eating Adventures appeared first on Jewcy.

My sister and I walk into a restaurant. We sit down, look over the menu, and there it is—my personal sin, the bacon burger. The photo glistens temptingly and I surrender to it. I place my order and my sister gives me the ultimate ‘You bad, bad Jew’ expression. I know that I’m lucky to get away with just a frown from her, as it typically is accompanied by a verbal reminder that we are Jewish and shouldn’t ever eat bacon as a result. After her distaste is properly displayed, clear of conscience, my sister orders herself a plate of popcorn shrimp.

Soon the taste of my delicious bacon burger simmers in my mouth. In my mind, though, the little long-bearded, kippah-wearing angel sits solemnly on one shoulder shaking his head back and forth, while a miniature Howard Stern, in twisted rabbinical form, says on the opposite shoulder: ‘Come on! What’s the big deal? Baco-Jewish pride, man!’

My sister munches down her equally non-kosher meal not only free from self-critique or conflict, but with the knowledge that it’s highly unlikely that a random kosher squad will be patrolling what she eats. For some odd reason, it seems that, were we both to be trayf terrorists, the kosher squad would see her as only packing a hand grenade, while I’m holding the atomic bacon bomb.

At some point, though, we have to ask ourselves: Where did this outstanding anti-pork prejudice come from? Yeah, okay, it’s not kosher. But if you ask a lot of Jews today what other animals aren’t kosher, many will draw a blank.

But let’s be honest. Most of us don’t aren’t inundated with seedy back-alley images of that filthy, contaminating, $15-a-pound lobster. We don’t hear about the average Jewish parent keeping careful watch that the $90-an-ounce Siberian sturgeon caviar doesn’t get its little unscaled fishhooks inside their kids, leading them off the properly beaten kosher path.

But you eat one little slice of bacon, and boom—you’ve gone over to the dark side.

As strange as this may sound, I opted to eat bacon for health reasons. I am epileptic and, as such, I largely use the doctor-recommended ketogenic diet to maintain my body’s welfare. Of all the foods in the ketogenic diet, the one that I have found quieted petit mal seizures second best of all was bacon. Therefore, not only do I recommend giving bacon a shot, despite being a Jew, I’d even go so far as to recommend it despite being a rabbinical student.

And anyway, why are pigs so much more unclean than other non-kosher animals? Because pigs, unlike the vulture, the bat, and the weasel, decided to try and trick us. At least that’s the consensus rabbinical ruling on the subject. Technically, kosher law necessitates a cleft hoof and a chewing of cud. With most non-kosher animals, this is a fairly easy thing to assess. Just like the saying goes that you can tell everything you need to know about a person by their shoes, you can typically take a glance at the animal’s feet and know whether or not it’s kosher.

Except in the instance of the pesky pig. It’s the only animal that has a split hoof but does not chew its cud. Therefore, the pig alone has the ability to mislead the less-knowledgeable Jew into making a dinner out of it.

And what is cud chewing, incidentally? It’s the practice of vomiting food up and eating it a second time. Kosher animals, like the cow, prefer to enjoy their meals two times, not just one. This, the pig does not do. A strange fact, but it is due to spew that cows and their kosher brethren have come out spotless, while the primmer pig has become the poster child of uncleanliness in Judaism.

So what are the effects of the pig being the ultimate bad guy? Well, for one, when there’s one big bad guy, we tend to focus less on other offenders. Because of this, more Jews eat shrimp and caviar without moral quibbles, while pointing a finger at the so-called Baco-Jews. It winds up not only being a hypocritical situation, but one that has, to many, stifled true understanding of kashrut law. Were the pig not seen as so over-the-top horrible, perhaps more Jews who want to keep kosher would know to pass on shrimp, too.

Another result of vilifying the swine is that those condemning it may have actually added to its allure. In the days of prohibition, outlawing alcohol only made the public drink more. These days there are Baco-Jew stuffed animals, bumper stickers, posters, greeting cards, mouse pads, hats, and just about every other kind of available merchandise. I’ve seen T-shirts with slogans reading, “Jews for Bacon! Reform Now!” and “Citizens for Kosher Bacon!” For many, especially young people, it has become an American Jewish obsession—the love that once dared not speak its name, but now shouts it pretty loudly.

So, if we want the next generation to follow kosher law, what might be some steps we can take to better encourage that? First, knock the pig down from its unfair and shameful pedestal. We should teach that all unkosher animals are equally unkosher. The Shrimp Jew should not be allowed to mock the Baco Jew and get away with it, because so long as one is treated as a misdemeanor and the other a felony, the Jewish kitchen courtroom loses a large degree of credibility.

Let’s take the might and mystery away from bacon. Maybe it tastes good; maybe it doesn’t. But it shouldn’t be used as the symbolic embodiment of Jews Gone Wild.

Previously on Jewcy: Why Are Jews So Obsessed With Bacon?
Kosher Salt: I Don’t Eat Pork
Why I Gave Up God But Still Keep Kosher

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• Joan Rivers says she’s done with Botox; plastic surgeons gather to mourn the end of an era.

• Josh Nathan-Kazis thinks he’s figured out what makes Hasidic pop star Lipa Schmeltzer so bizarrely fascinating.

• Barbra Streisand is directing her first film in 16 Years. Colin Firth and Cate Blanchett will star.

• Lena Dunham loves Schmidt almost as much as we do. In other Girls news, The Huffington Post put together a video of the best lines from Shoshanna.

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